Eliminate Stupidity – Reinstate
Darwinian Principles Immediately!!
Written by Leonard Pitts, Jr
Columnist for Knight-Ridder Newspapers,
This article appeared in the Houston Chronicle on 05-26-00
So here’s the question: How stupid are you?
Let’s say on a scale of one to 10, how stupid do you
figure?
Yes, I know I’m being awfully rude. It’s just that
lately I find myself deeply annoyed at the way your feeblemindedness –
and more importantly, mine – are considered a foregone conclusion by
the people who make and market the stuff we buy.
I refer you to the fine print of an automotive ad I
saw the other day on television. Doesn’t matter which one, because
they’re all the same. The computer-enhanced image shows the car
performing some can’t-be-done feat – driving up a wall, let’s say
– and the text at the bottom invariably admonishes: ”Professional
driver on closed course. Please do not attempt.”
Whew. Glad they told me. Otherwise, I might have tried
to drive my minivan to the observation deck of the Empire State
Building.
I wrote a column about cautions like this a couple of
years ago. “Idiot warnings”, I called them, as in, those warnings
that would insult Homer Simpson’s intelligence, much less the
intelligence of couple of smart cookies like you and me. It wasn’t a
car ad that set me off that time, but a flimsy toy hard hat whose makers
found it necessary to tell buyers that it provided no protection against
head injury.
My rant resonated with readers, many of whom sent it
idiot warnings of their own. Like a bread-pudding container that says,
“Product will be hot after heating.” Or the iron that cautions,
“Do not iron clothes on body.” Or a chain saw that admonished, “Do
not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”
Wait, there’s more. How a windshield sunshade that
says, “Don’t operate vehicle with shade in place?” The Christmas
lights that say, “For indoor or outdoor use only.” The sleep aid
that says, “Warning: may cause drowsiness.” Or my personal favorite,
the Superman costume that wants you to know, “This costume will not
enable wearer to fly.”
One imagines some guy noticing that warning as he
perches on the roof, the “S” on his chest, his fists thrust out
before him. “Darn”, he says.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand why people who make
stuff find it necessary to insult the intelligence of those who buy it.
In these litigious days, it’s not inconceivable that a corporation
might wind up paying a multimillion-dollar judgment to, say, some doofus
who didn’t realize that a sleep aid might make you sleepy.
(Editor’s note –
Do any of you agree the problem of Idiot Warnings can be traced the
famous McDonalds incident several years back where a customer
discovered that hot coffee is actually hot? After buying some coffee
to go, the customer spilled the coffee, scalded her hand, and then had
the nerve to sue McDonalds. The real tragedy is some half-brained jury
actually sided with the plaintiff!!
This misguided group
sent the spine-chilling message to corporate America that henceforth
all their customers should be considered to have the IQ of a moron.
The stupidity of this jury should be considered for the “Hall of
Shame” along the lines of the OJ Simpson crew. Is it possible that
Darwinian principles are involved in jury selection – the smart get
out of jury duty and only the stupid survive to be picked? Perhaps
some legal observers could offer their opinions.)
So corporate America covers its hindquarters by making
the world safe for stupidity. But it occurs to me that in the process,
corporate America also does profound damage to the human species.
Follow me on this. Remember what you learned in
biology about Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection? It says,
in essence, that the strong survive. Not only that, but they pass their
strength down the genetic line.
The problem is that now, thanks to idiot warnings, the
weak survive too, and pass their weakness down as well. I mean, did
anyone stop to think that maybe the guy who put on the Superman suit and
went up to the roof was actually meant to leap off? Then he reads that
warning and, instead of liquefying himself against the pavement, he
survives. To procreate.
