August Clean Side Jokes

August CS 01: A Marriage Maid in Heaven
- Hieronymous Anonymous

A guy dials his home to speak to his wife and the maid answers.  She says that the lady of the house is busy right now. 

The guy insists that she go get her anyway and reminds her he is the Boss.

The maid, embarrassed, says that the misses is very busy. 

The husband, sensing something in the maid's voice, presses on.  Under strong questioning, the maid finally blurts out the misses is upstairs with her lover in the bedroom!!

At this revelation, the guy goes ballistic and tells the maid to listen very carefully. "Go to the basement, get my rifle and then go to the bedroom and shoot them both." 

The maid stutters that she can't do that, but finally agrees after the guy tells her she's fired and will be deported otherwise. 

Fearing the man will do exactly as he threatens, she puts the phone down. The guy listens and a few moments later he hears: BANG! BANG!  The maid comes back on the phone and says that it's done.

Much calmer now, the guy says, "OK, now listen carefully once more.  Drag the bodies downstairs and dump them in then pool."  The maid stutters her disapproval. 

The guy says, "Listen, you're fired if you don't do what I say." 

The maid says, "But sir, we don't have a pool!!"

The guy says, "I'll be damned.  I think I dialed the wrong number."

August CS 02: The Mole Family
Judy Walsh

There was a family of moles that lived in a hole just outside a farmhouse. There was a Papa mole, a Mama mole and an itty-bitty Baby mole. One morning the Papa mole woke up and peeking outside said: "I smell pancakes!" 

Hearing that, Mama mole scurried up the hole and squeezed in next to Papa mole, sniffed the air and said: "Mmmmmmmm, I smell maple syrup!" 

This got Baby mole's attention and he ran up the hole and tried to peek out but found his mother and father were blocking the entrance. Frowning, he said: "All I smell is molasses!!"

August CS 03: The Magician and the Parrot
Judy Walsh

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician, who had a very limited repertoire, was able to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot watched the shows each week from a nearby perch and began to understand how the magician did every trick!

Once he understood, one day the parrot startled the audience by shouting out in middle of the show: "'Look, it's not the same hat!!', 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!!', 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'" 

This interruption made the magician furious. However to his dismay he discovered complaining to the captain did no good. It was, after all, the captain's parrot and the captain insisted the parrot be allowed to stay.

The captain had his reasons which he preferred not to explain to the magician. The captain could have cared less that the jokes were always at the pathetic magician's expense. The captain found the audience's laughter at his parrot's wisecracks far surpassed any effect the magician had on the audience by himself. 

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. The wood plank was fairly long and the magician was simply unable to grab the hated parrot before it simply flew to the other end of the board. After a few futile attempts, the magician gave up and cursed his double dose of bad luck. 

So they stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This uneasy silence went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer. "OK," said the parrot, "I give up. Where's the fucking boat?"

August CS 04: Southern Magnolias 
Pat Roberts

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." 

Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The second woman replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice!"

August CS 05: Marital Bliss
Sam DeMora, Robin Wagner, and edited by Rick Archer

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I know why the secret to a happy marriage is called a secret. I haven't got a clue.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. One night I criticized her cooking and was forced to do the dishes. I once heard no husband has ever been murdered while doing the dishes.

My wife uses too much makeup. I had to tell her where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's original plan of where her lips end. 

I brought home three cases of beer the other day. My wife looked impressed and said she was pleased I was learning to plan for the future. 

I've been stopping off at the singles bar after work lately to unwind. I found out I have a lot in common with the other men. We're all married. 

One of the women at the bar complained to me that every guy in the place was mean and ugly. Although that hurt both of my feelings, I asked why she thought that was. She replied all the cute, sensitive guys already have boyfriends. 

Recently my wife's credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief is spending less than my wife does.

I read in the dictionary that Bigamy is having one wife too many, but after thinking about it, Monogamy isn't much different.. 

My wife didn't tell me about her mother until after we were married. Now I know why. The only difference between my mother-in-law and a terrorist is I've heard you can negotiate with a terrorist.

I have decided the main reason no one commits bigamy is the threat of two mothers-in-law.
My mother-in-law asked my wife why we didn't have any kids. She said out of a billion sperm cells, none of mine had the sense to ask directions. 

My mother-in-law always brags that her daughter had the best figure in the sixth grade, but I decided not to point out she was 17 at the time.

One day my wife asked me to get one of my ear's pierced. I asked why and she replied, "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Recently my wife was the life of the party. She asked the crowd what did floor tiles and her husband have in common. No one had a clue. "You lay 'em right the first time and you can walk on them for life."

One man thought that was pretty funny. He told a blonde joke, then my wife said, "Do you why men like blonde jokes ? They are the only jokes short enough for men to remember." 
Then the guy made a pass at my wife. She glared at him and said, "Do know know why God made men smarter than dogs ? God got tired of watching men hump women's legs at cocktail parties." 

Later at the cocktail party, a woman asked my wife, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" My wife replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

When we got home, I chewed her out for saying that. After I confronted her, she said, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." 

I replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in heat and didn't notice."

That made her mad. I didn't speak to her again for a month - I couldn't get a word in edgewise. 

One night we were driving home from another cocktail party. A State Trooper pulled me aside and said my wife had fallen out of the car about 10 minutes ago. I said, "Oh, thanks for telling me, Officer. I thought I was going deaf !"

Things weren't going well, so we thought an attempt at intimacy would thaw things out. Soon after we started I was terrified that my wife had died. Four minutes had gone by and she still hadn't bothered to ask if it was in yet.

Finally she started hollering, "ding dong ding dong". I asked her what on earth was going on. My wife answered, "Do you know the difference between an "'ooooh' and an 'aaaaah' ?" 
"No," I answered in confusion. 

"Well, I'm not surprised. 'ooooh' is 6 inches, 'aaaah' is 9 inches, and 'ding dong ding dong' means 'stretch the hose, you're nowhere near the fire."

Then she had a question for me. She said, "Do you know why most men want to marry virgins? They can't stand the criticism." Actually, I had to agree with her. 

I went to a voodoo lady down the street. I asked her if she could remove a "Curse" I have been living with for the last 40 years. The Voodoo said she would try. She asked me what were the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."  That was easy. I answered without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Recently my wife filed for divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty since I had suggested she keep her job after we got married. 

After my divorce, I told my friends my wife had made me a millionaire. I was worth 3 million when I met her.

August CS 06: Al Gore
Richard Bevis

Al Gore went to see the president and while there he feel the need to use the bathroom. He mentions it to President Clinton, and the President tells him to use the Executive Bathroom off the Oval Office. Gore tries to decline but Clinton assures him that it is all right. So Gore uses the bathroom in the Oval Office.

Following the meeting with the President, Al calls home and tells Tipper that he used the President's bathroom and that Clinton has a golden urinal. She tries to tell him that can't be true but he insists. So, Tipper tells Al she will call Hillary to confirm it. 

Tipper puts in a call to Hillary and says, "I have an odd question. Does President Clinton have a golden urinal in the Oval Office ? Al said he used the bathroom in the Oval Office and that the President has a golden urinal." 

There is a long pause and Hillary responds, "I will get back to you as soon as I talk to the President."

Hillary puts in a call to Bill and says, "I have a strong idea I know who pissed in your saxophone."

August CS 07: Blind Date
Donna Ruth

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. So Joe marched her over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.

So Joe trudged Kim over to the weight guess for the third time. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird, so he took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Judging by the frown on her face, he was convinced he was smart to cut the evening short. 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

August CS 08: The Son-In-Law
Debbie Awad

A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Africa and surprises her mother. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in. The mother's jaw drops in astonishment. To her consternation the mother sees a huge black man standing before her. He is practically naked except for a bone in his nose, hoop earrings, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, and animal tooth beads. He is holding a very tall spear in an upright position. Her new son-in-law is straight out of National Geographic. 

The mother grabs her daughter, pinches both of her daughter's cheeks, then gets right in her face and screams, "Daughter, I love you, but I always warned you to listen more closely. You Dummy, ..... I said a RICH doctor!!"

August CS 09: Take Me Out to the Ballgame !
Gary Richardson

The doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. However he was worried about the possibility of inappropriate behavior, so for weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. 

After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. 

After a home run he yelled, "Cheer Nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a coke and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS !!"

 

August CS 10: Pulling a Fast One
Kathleen Alexander

At Duke University, there were two sophomores taking Organic Chemistry who did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that going into the final they had a solid 'A'.
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there... They had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and the hard partying, they over-slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told their professor they went to UVA for the weekend and planned to come back in time to study. Unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they were late getting back to campus and didn't have any time to study.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. He told his star pupils to go home and study hard. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Piece of Cake" they thought, "No problema." 

They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire, who changed it, and what was the brand name?"

August CS 11: Desert Island
Crista Reuss

One day, this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. 

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. 

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long have you been on this island?" 

"Ten years," he answers. 

"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" 

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!---Is that ever good!" 

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" 

Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" 

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" 

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh my God!! ---- Don't tell me!! -----you've got golf clubs in there!!! 

August CS 12: The Lone Ranger and Tonto
Ralph Volz

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, went face to face with the stranger, and said, "That horse is mine. Now what's the problem?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is nearly dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water. However Silver still looked pretty sick. 
Seeing this, the Lone Ranger began to run circles around the over-heated animal in a desperate attempt to help create a breeze to help him feel better. It seemed to make a difference, but the Lone Ranger began to tire. After 15 minutes, the Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, do you mind taking over for a few minutes?" 

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, the cowboy came over and tapped the Lone Ranger on his shoulder. 

Irritated, the Lone Ranger stood up, turned around, and said, "Okay, what's wrong with my horse this time ?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says... "Nothing, but it looks like you left your Injun runnin'."

August CS 13: What's Heaven Got To Do With It? 
Kendra Heath

An 85-year-old couple, after being happily married for almost 60 years, died together in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to Mom's interest in health food and proper diet. 

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their luxury mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bedroom suite and a fancy in-house jacuzzi. 

The old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." 

Next, they went out the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home faced upon. They would have golfing privileges every day. In addition, it changed to a new one daily, representing the greatest golf courses on Earth. 

The old man asked, "So, what are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play every day for free!" 

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the best cuisine of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. 

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation. 

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

In a forceful voice, St. Peter said, "That's the best part-you can eat as much as like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick-this is Heaven!" 

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his halo, screaming wildly and taking the Lord's name in vain. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man glared at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for you stuffing me daily with those awful bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!" 

August CS 14: Conscience
Debbie Awad

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yesh pleash."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

August CS 15: Bill Clinton and Judgment Day 
Jill Banta and Sam DeMora

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Judgment. Judgment tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blowtorch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what Monica is best known for. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Judgment. "Monica, you may go."

August CS 16: Inviting a Friend to Dinner 
Robin Wagner

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor idiot is thinking about getting married."

August CS 17: Down by the Cemetery 
Richard Bevis

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. 

At the same time cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." 

The boy knew instantly what was going on. 'Oh my', he shuddered, 'It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery'. He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." 

The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. 

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . . .."  The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. 

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

August CS 18: Case Dismissed 
Sharon Russell

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her advanced condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud.

"CASE DISMISSED" said the Judge.

August CS 19: The Terrible Food 
Jackie Chang

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 

The Blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." 

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. 

The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. 

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." 

August CS 20: The Cuckoo Clock 
Judy Walsh

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with 'the boys'. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ... promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy and at around 3 am drunk as a skunk, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her "midnight." Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well it cuckooed three times, said "Damn", cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled!"

August CS 21: Gorilla up a Tree 
Jill Banta

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla removal service. When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?" 

"Male," she replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy arrives with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the following instructions:

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree.  When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to bite the gorilla's testicles.  The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun." 

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."

August CS 22: The Magic Elevator 
Donna Cook

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and as the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother.

August CS 23: The Pope and the Hairdresser 
Andre Faust and Mike Gerstenberger

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome! "So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"

He said, "I hope you didn't get that haircut in my country…"

August CS 24: A Lawyer Dies Young 
Donna Cook

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when a former client suddenly jumped out of a bush and shot him. 

The attorney found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside for the "Big Interview". Without prompting, the attorney began to argue his case. "Your Reverence, my untimely death must be some sort of mistake. I am much too young to die! I'm only 25!'

St. Peter nodded, but then frowned as he checked the Holy Record. St. Peter said, "It appears that you were a bit greedy at times. I doubt you are a good candidate for Heaven."

"But Your Reverence, I had recently seen the errors of my ways and was about to change my life around. I never expected to die so suddenly. If I had lived longer, you would have seen a completely different human being !"

At this St. Peter stroked his beard. Here was a persuasive argument indeed. St. Peter agreed that 25 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates. Then St. Peter noticed a discrepancy and excused himself for a moment to check further. 

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, 'I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We were able to verify your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients. You are due to be 108 next month.'

August CS 25: Bill Gates in Hell
Jill Banta and Carole Nelson

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you choose where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. From one Powerful Guy to another, just what is the difference between the two?" 

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

Bill said, "Fine, but where should I go First?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was beautiful, with clean, sandy beaches and sparkling clear blue waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "Hey, This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven !

"Fine," said God and off Bill went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with pleasant angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not quite as enticing as Hell. 

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. 

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. Headlines of Oracle, Netscape, and AOL dominating the world computer market now that Bill was gone were pinned to the wall everywhere. 

"Well, How's everything going, Bill ?" God asked. 

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, God, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this is happening to me ! What about that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women frolicking in the water ?"

"Oh, goodness, Bill, didn't anyone explain that to you ?", God says.

"That was the screen saver."

August CS 26: The Pope and the President
Dana Pattison and Judy Walsh

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a happy President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

August CS 27: Houston Evacuation Plan
Sam DeMora

In the event of a life-threatening Hurricane, follow the Houston Evacuation Plan: 

Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio 
Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette 
Yankees use I-45 North to Oklahoma 
Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas
Longhorns use 290 West to Austin 

Aggies use Loop 610!

August CS 28: The Joys of Being an Elementary School Teacher
Pat Roberts

Did you hear about the Miss Simms, the first year teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? Bobby asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, Miss Simms realized she had worked up a sweat.

But now her satisfaction almost turned to tears when little Bobby said, "Miss Simms, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. Relying on her diminishing reserves of patience, Miss Simms managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

Bobby then announced, "These aren't my boots."

The teacher bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She counted to ten and to ten again. Finally Miss Simms mustered up whatever grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Then she carefully helped him into his coat. Now she asked, "Bobby, where are your mittens?"

Bobby said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Miss Simms did not last the first year.


August CS 29: The Safari Dog, the Leopard, and the Monkey
Pat Roberts and Chris Holmes

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in big trouble now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more cats around here?"

Hearing this a look of terror comes over the leopard. He halts his attack in mid stride and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use. He decides to trade news of the deception for protection from the leopard. Off goes the monkey in hot pursuit. But the dog hears the commotion and notices the monkey heading after the leopard with great speed. He figures that something must be up and begins to analyze the possibilities.

Meanwhile the monkey soon catches up with the leopard and reveals how the dog tricked the cat. Then he strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of. He wants revenge!! The leopard says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and come with me to watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Angry and impatient, the leopard doesn't even bother with stealth. He just comes roaring through the jungle with the finesse of an elephant.

The dog hears the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. He has decided on his plan. Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers and pretends he hasn't a clue as to their presence.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where is that damn monkey!?! I am so HUNGRY!! He takes too long. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back yet!!"


August CS 30: Old Ladies Driving
Andre Faust

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light". After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh crap, am I driving?"


August CS 31: The Short Hot Love Letter
Chris Holmes

I SHALL SEEK AND FIND YOU...
I SHALL TAKE YOU TO BED AND CONTROL YOU...
I WILL MAKE YOU ACHE, SHAKE AND SWEAT UNTIL YOU GRUNT AND GROAN...
I WILL MAKE YOU BEG FOR MERCY...
I WILL EXHAUST YOU TO THE POINT THAT YOU WILL BE RELIEVED WHEN I LEAVE
...AND AFTER I GO YOU WILL BE WEAK FOR DAYS.

YOU WILL REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY!!


ALL MY LOVE,
THE FLU


August CS 32: The Baby Photographer
Judy Walsh

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"


August CS 33: Bureaucracy
Gary Richardson

A man owned a small ranch in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a month plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day and does all the dirty work. He makes about $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the rancher.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The rancher says, "That would be me."


August CS 34: Why You Should Never Send a Woman to the Hardware Store
Judy Walsh

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf. She admired it while waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.

Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."


August CS 35: The Curse
Gary Richardson

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "I will try. First, tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."


August CS 36: The Lawyer, Rabbi, and Holy Man
John Hall

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
 

BLUE SIDE JOKES

August Blue Side Jokes

August BS 01 : Potential versus Realistic
- Judy Walsh

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father answered, " Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars ?" The mother replied, "Of course I would !! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said," Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God ! Of course I would. I would do that in an instant ! I would be nuts to pass up an opportunity like that !!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts."

August BS 02: The Little Old Lady and the Bet
Richard Bevis

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. 

The old lady says with a wink and a smile, "I make bets." 

The president raises an eyebrow and replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" 

The old lady shrugs her shoulders, thinks for a moment, then says, "For example, I could bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". 

"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". 

The old lady says," So, would you like to take my bet?"

"If you are serious, sure," says the president, "I'll bet you $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved there are a couple things I need to do to make sure things are on the up and up. First, can we record the bet again on my video camera? Second, is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" 

The president stares at her and strokes his chin. "You are serious about this, aren't you?"
The old lady smiles and nods.

After thinking long and hard about it, the president says, "Sure. I need the proof just as much as you do. Will you make a copy of the tape in my presence?" says the president. So, for the record, they record the bet twice and each keeps a copy.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet. He couldn't figure it out. He had a slam dunk victory, but this lady seemed to know what she was doing. She didn't seem even the slightest bit worried. What on earth could her angle be? Finally he got out of bed, pulled down his pants, and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them over and over until he was sure that there is no way his balls were square. He even took a picture of his balls in case she was able to alter them in some way. Then he put the tape in his VCR and watched it time and time again. Where was the hook? He was certain she was going to pull a trick on him, but he just couldn't see where it was coming from. The bank president barely slept all night. 

So the next morning promptly at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the bank president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president, gets out her little video camera, and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.

The president agrees with the bet again. Then the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. The little old lady inspects his balls closely. Then she shakes her head. She states firmly, "Your balls appear round, but I will not concede the bet until I hold them and ascertain that you have not concealed their true nature in any way."

Already nervous, the President can't wait to get this over. "Well, OK," says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". He quickly drops his pants and frowns as the little old lady gently massages his balls with a big smile on her face. Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall.

He asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?" 

She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 AM today I'd have The Bank of 
Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

August BS 03: Lessons on the Beach
Judy Walsh

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had breasts far bigger than his mother's. Frowning, he informed his mother of this fact. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person." 

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger pointy things than his dad does. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again, and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

August BS 04: The Sexy Camel
Mickey Hammond and Richard Bevis

A Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to his new command in a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out back of the Enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for??"

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, it's a long way from home, and the men have natural urges like anyone else, so when they do, uh, we have the camel for those purposes..."

The Captain frowned, thought about it for a moment, then said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's alright with me."

After he had been at this new outpost for about 6 months, the Captain encountered a dark night of the soul. Perhaps he had partaken a bit too much of the Desert Moonshine, but as the Captain laid down, he found himself being driven mad with lust. He tossed and turned and couldn't get to sleep. Memories of naked women kept racing through his mind!! It was driving him crazy!!

Finally the Captain couldn't stand it anymore, so he leapt out bed and barked to the Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, went to the barn, then led the camel to the door of the Captain's quarters. 

"Well, come on, Mister, what's taking so long! Bring the camel in!" Raising an eyebrow, the Sergeant led the old animal into the room and quickly departed. The Captain got a footstool and proceeded to enter the camel. To his surprise, the camel resisted vigorously, but the Captain, an aggressive, powerful man, grabbed on with both hands and humped away. Already quite horny to begin with, the wrestling match excited the Captain even more so the Act was completed quickly. The Captain stepped down from the stool feeling quite relieved. 

Barely able to suppress a huge smile of satisfaction, the Captain buttoned his pants and called for the Sergeant to come take the animal away. One thing, however, bothered him. "Sergeant, that camel puts up quite a fight. How do the Enlisted men keep it still???"

The Sergeant replied, "Well, begging your pardon, sir...The Enlisted Men usually prefer to just ride it into town."

August BS 05: The Cold Nights on the Farm
Suzy Kish

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. 

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" 

The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" 

The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out !"

August BS 06: Artificial Insemination
Maureen Brunetti

A gay man wants desperately to have a baby. After a while, he realizes there is no way on earth he will have a child the old-fashioned way. After putting an ad in paper, he finds a woman willing to be a surrogate mother. After the man contributes the necessary ingredients, the woman is artificially inseminated.

One day he receives word that the baby is born. He rushes to the hospital. As he peers in the window of the nursery, one baby in particular is screaming bloody murder. Three nurses are attempting to calm this tiny terror with little success. 

Panic-stricken the man retreats from the window. He finds a stairwell and slumps to the steps with his head in his hands. In the darkness, he considers the possibility that this screaming nightmare is his child. He cringes in abject terror at the thought. 

He takes three valiums to calm his shaken nerves. Twenty minutes later he steels himself and approaches the nursery again. A nurse is exiting just as he arrives. The baby is still screaming.

"Excuse me, Nurse, my name is Smith. Is that baby, uh, the one making all the racket, is that my baby?" He swallows hard.

The nurse stares at him, then without a word studies her list. "No, Mr. Smith, that is not your baby."
Visibly relieved, Mr. Smith's worst fears evaporate. After a deep breath, now his curiosity is aroused. "Could you tell me which baby is mine?"

"Mr. Smith, your baby is the one in the corner."

Mr. Smith peers cautiously through the window. There he sees a healthy baby sleeping with a contented smile on its face. "Oh, you mean that sweet little baby is mine!?! Thank goodness, I was scared to death I was going to get that monster!"

The nurse frowns. "Mr. Smith, I have some bad news for you. Your baby was ten times worse until 

August BS 07: Little Billy
Judy Haley

Little Billy came home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and sees his father, who had also come home for lunch, lying on top of his mother. They were both naked, and heavily into the act of lovemaking.

They see Little Billy, but don't want to traumatize the boy. The parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches for a few more minutes. Then he asks, "Gee, Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy-ride?"

His father replies without hesitation, "Of course son, we're a family !" 

So, Billy climbs on his Dad's back. After a few more minute, his mother begins moaning and writhing wildly. 

"Hang on Daddy," cries Billy, "This is the part where me and the mailman always fall off!"

August BS 08: King Arthur's Court
Richard Bevis

King Arthur went down deep in castle to Merlin's laboratory. "Merlin, I am going on a long trip. I fear that Guinevere will miss me and be particularly vulnerable to temptation. You know how hot-blooded the lass is. I need something to 'protect' her while I am gone."

The Wizard smiled. "Sire, I had reason to believe that someday you and I would have just this exact conversation. I have invented the perfect solution." At this Merlin produced a chastity belt...except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 

Gawking in horror at the hole, Arthur exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" 

"Ah, Sire, observe." said Merlin. He placed a wand into the gaping aperture of the chastity belt. Instantly a miniature guillotine blade shot out and sliced the wood in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. A great many months later he returned to Camelot. 

Immediately Arthur assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. 

"Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur. 'My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless...

August BS 09: The Kinsey Report
Carole Nelson

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos. After he gets settled, he notices she is reading a manual with graphs and also photographs of naked men. He asks her about it. 

With a blush, she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" 

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, pleased to meet you!"

August BS 10: The Alligator Bet
Judy Walsh

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my privates unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

August BS 11: Pussywillows 
Mickey Hammond

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and, to the old mans surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says, "Wait up ... I'll get my hat!"

August BS 12: Lessons from School 
Richard Bevis

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my butt is still sore."

August BS 13: Wedding Night Jitters 
Chris Holmes

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their nineties when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins. Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night. Having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it. 

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk sateen nightie he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as her silk sateen nightie.

She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen since his own mothers. It is hanging there down to her belly button. Gravity has taken it's course over some ninety years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more.

Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says "Chester I have acute angina".

Chester says, "I sure hope so. Your tits look like hell."

August BS 14: The Bakery 
Judy Walsh

A general store owner hires a pretty young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The lady clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that maybe it would be better if he could get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner.

So the young lady repeats her climb. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, a male customer who has just entered the store notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can also enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself or at least move it to a lower shelf. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells down, "Is yours raisin too?"

"Oh gosh, No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's really startin' to twitch!"
 

August BS 15: The Duck 
Kendra Heath

There once was a man who had three sons. One son wasn't all that bright, one was pretty much normal, and the last was an intellect. Well, the father gave each son a duck and said, "Go, see how much you can get for the duck." 

The three sons went on their journey to sell their duck. 

The normal son was able to sell his duck to a little old lady for $5. 

The smart son sold his to an old man on the street for $10. 

As the stupid son was walking home to tell his father that he couldn't sell the duck, and he met a prostitute. The son, who was never able to get it, was willing, but he had nothing for her in payment. 

The prostitute offered herself for the duck. The son replied with an eager yes. After they were done, the prostitute thought that he was so good she wanted more, so she offered the duck back. 

Now, finally on his way home, the duck got hit by a bus. The bus driver came out apologizing and saying that the duck must have been very close to him since he let it walk with him. Offering the son $15 and a sincere apology, the son left. 

When he got home the father asked what he sold the duck for. The son replied, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $15 for a fucked up duck." 

August BS 16: Hillary and Bill 
Gillan Tilbury

Hillary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened. She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you ???!!! I can't believe this has happened ! I just found out! I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault ! How could you? Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!" 

She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper he says, "Who is this?" 

August BS 17: The Magic Sandals 
Debbie Awad

A married British couple was on vacation in the Middle East. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Arab accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." 

So the married couple walked in. The Arab man said to them, "I have some very special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." 

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" 

The Arab man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?" Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. 

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Arab, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Arab was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!" "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"... 

August BS 18: The Smart-Mouth Parrot 
Patrick Steerman

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at home while her husband was off at work and the children were in school. After some research, she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely. It would't be as much work as a dog or a cat, and it would be very interesting to hear it speak, but unfortunately they were quite expensive.

One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large, beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner of the store for the price of the bird. The owner said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

Before accepting her money, the owner said, "I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff."

The woman was so attracted to the bird and the excellent price that she decided to buy it anyway.

When she got home she placed the bird's cage in her living room and waited patiently for it to say something. The bird studied his new surroundings, and his new owner, and finally said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a little taken at the implication of what she had just heard, but after a few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.

When her two teenage daughters came in from school, the bird looked them over and said," New house, new madam, new whores!" After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined their mother in laughter.

Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

August BS 19: The Man from Iowa
Judy Walsh

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar frowned and looked up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay, boys, he's one of us!"

August BS 20: The Little Fireman
Mike Gerstenberger and Gary Richardson

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" 

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" 

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire
truck!" the fireman says. 

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by his testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." 

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

August BS 21: Ladder to Success 
Bill Mayo

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. 

"Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on." 

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole shebang. "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

August BS 22: The Winners!
Dana Pattison

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

For the rest of the night the woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

August BS 23: Turner Brown, the Biggest Guy in Town
Mike Guillory

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Glad to meet you! Turner Brown".

The little guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...."I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound
left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said "Turn Around."

August BS 24: How God Takes People to Heaven
Judy Walsh

The Sunday school teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, how does God take you to Heaven?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think God takes your hands." 

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" 

Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think God grabs your legs." 

The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Tommy said, "Well, when I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was screaming, 'Oh my God, I'm coming!' I bet if Dad didn't have Mom pinned down, she'd have floated up the Heaven for sure!"

August BS 25: The Lost Episode of Gilligan's Island
Kathleen Parker 

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There were only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived therefore a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. Unfortunately the men were, for lack of a better term, men. They argued about the poor girl all the time, even engaging in fistfights and wrestling matches. No matter what she said or did, these two macho men made her life miserable trying to get her to turn against the other man.

After several years of being torn between both men, the girl was worn down. She didn't even like either of them any more. They were just a couple of animals. Lately she told both men she didn't want to even do it anymore, but this actually served to unite them into berating her non-stop. Finally she gave in and submitted once more. Naturally they had to fight over who went first. Her life on the island was a never-ending misery.

That night when they were asleep, the girl decided to put an end to it. She climbed a high coconut tree and jumped to the shallow water below. The concussion knocked her out and she drowned.

The next morning the two men found her on the beach where the tide had left her.