April Clean Side Jokes

April CS 01: The Eye Puzzle 
Rick Archer 

Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.


Now count the F's in that sentence. Count only once; don't go back a 2nd time. So how many did you count? The answer is at the bottom of the page.

April CS 02: Air Force One Crashes
Chris Holmes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" 

"Yep. Ah sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly. 

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States' airplane?"

"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself over in my trash hole. Took most of the morning."

"You mean the President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Yep, he is now. He kept a-saying he wasn't as I pushed the dirt in, ... but you know what a liar he always is, so I didn't believe a word he said.


April CS 03: Take Me Out to the Ballgame!
Mike Guillory

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Mr. Clinton isn't feeling well and appears to have a very bad cold. Shortly before the game starts, one of the agents whispers in the president's ear, and Mr. Clinton smiles and nods. Then he grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet onto the field, cursing all the way before landing in a heap in the dirt. The president raises his arms triumphantly and gets high-fives from fans all around him. Then the agent leans over again and whispers, "Uh, Mr. President, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch!"


April CS 04: Chocolate Chip Cookies
Chris Holmes

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bring him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shaking made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when his wife suddenly smacked it with a spatula.

"Stay out of those, Jeffrey," she said, "they're for the funeral".


April CS 05: The Kind Lawyer
Gary Richardson

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. 

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. 

"Oh, come along with me then." 

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. 

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. 

"Bring them as well!" 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as 
large as the limo. 

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. 

Thank you for taking all of us with you." 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, I'm used to doing public service. Besides, the grass at my home is about two feet tall. You guys will have a feast!"


April CS 06: Doctor, Doctor, Mr. MD
Gary Richardson

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just a plain lazy old fart."

"Damn, Okay, I'll agree with that," said the man. "Now, Doc, give me the longest medical term you can think of for my problem so I can go home and tell my wife."


April CS 07: Diagnosis Please!
Marty Shea and Joseph Stuteville

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" the doctor asked.

"All over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over? Be more specific." 

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, darn even THAT hurts," she cried.

The doctor observed her thoughtfully and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes."

"I thought so. You have a broken finger."


April CS 08: First Grade Logic
Gillian Tilbury

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas Aggie. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Aggies too. 

No one really knowing what a Texas Aggie was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. 

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 

"Because I'm not an Aggie." Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why, I'm a proud Texas Longhorn," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel.

"Well, my mom and dad are Longhorns, so I'm a Longhorn too."

The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

Kristen pauses, then smiles. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an Aggie."


April CS 09: The Aggie, the Longhorn, and the Pig
Mike Gerstenberger

A student from Texas A&M University, a student from The University of Texas, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn child. Suddenly, the lights went out. 

Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news for both you gentlemen and Mr. Pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. "However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed this was the fairest way. The UT grad won the drawing.

He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time.

Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.

"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked with a frown. 

"No, I'm not," replied the Longhorn. "But I just couldn't run the risk of choosing the Aggie."


April CS 10: The Smart Dog
Pat Roberts

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in big trouble now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" 

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. 

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." 

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. 

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damn monkey? He takes too long. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back yet!!"


April CS 11: Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Melissa Hogan and Richard Weisberg

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. 

NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the Chicken.

April CS 12: A Nice Gesture Rewarded 
Judy Walsh

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. 

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. 

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. This nice gesture obviously surprised her since her eyes brightened considerably. So she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

April CS 13: The Bad Development
Mike Guillory

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures! Now hurry it up!!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"


April CS 14: The Cross Examination
Mike Guillory

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line by his fellow officers.


April CS 15: Another Good Comeback
Mike Guillory and Richard Bevis

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with your other hand." 


April CS 16: The Sailor Finds a Room
Mike Guillory and Sharon Russell

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," the sailor pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." 

April CS 17: The Jewish Funeral
Richard Weisberg and Joseph Stuteville

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Please.....watch out for the wall this time!".


April CS 18: Marriage and Parents
Joseph Stuteville

George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were married, but George just dated and dated. 
One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you having trouble meeting someone compatible?" 

"Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of them."

Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mom!"

A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a little depressed so Bill asked how things were going. "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother approve?"

George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl. Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my mom approve, but they became good friends."

"What's the problem?" asked Bill.

"My father can't stand her."


April CS 19: The Smuggler
Joseph Stuteville

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. 

The guard says, "We'll just see about that..... get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. 

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, " What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. 

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina on the Mexican side of the border. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about!! I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" 

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."


April CS 20: Doctor's Diagnosis
Rodrigo Aranda

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die." She replied.


April CS 21: The Drunk Looks for Jesus
Amy Hovatter

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. 

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


April CS 22: The Lawn Mower
Chris Holmes

The cynics say husbands are like lawn mowers. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. I can believe that. 

For example, last year when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed. Somehow the message never sunk in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make the point. 

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "be sure to sweep the sidewalks."


April CS 23: The Robbers - a True Story (as seen on David Letterman)
Susie Merrill

One day during the summer of 1992 in the city of Philadelphia, a short, middle-aged woman named Karen Boardman was traumatized when she was robbed at knifepoint in a grocery store parking lot.  Terrified by the experience and angry that she had been caught so completely flat-footed, Karen decided to learn how to pay more attention to her surroundings.  Shortly thereafter she attended a community Crime Prevention workshop where she learned the value of "Be on guard at all times."  This workshop definitely increased Karen's awareness that danger could appear at any time and any place.  She made the determination that she would never be caught off guard again.

This valuable decision had consequences so profound that Karen would soon be on national TV telling the entire country about an incident so serious she thought she would never live to tell the tale. 

In September of the same year, not very much time had passed since the robbery and the workshop when Karen and her husband Phil decided to spend a weekend in nearby Atlantic City. Their first night there Karen won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine, nearly $300 worth of coins. 

Karen decided to take a break from the slots to have dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. Heedful of her instructor's warnings not to do anything to make her a target, she thought it wise to first stash the quarters in her room.  Karen was very nervous about carrying so much money openly. However with an eye on the long line of people waiting to get into the dining room, Karen decided it was better if they split up.  She told her husband, "Go get us a table while I take the money upstairs. I'll be right back." Then she covered the heavy coin-laden bucket with a cloth to hide its importance and carried it to the elevator. 

The elevator doors opened. Just as she was about to walk into the elevator Karen hesitated when she noticed the two men who already aboard. Both men were black. One of the men was nearly 6' while the other was enormous at 6' 6"!   Both men were very well-built, especially the husky taller man.  To Karen at 5' 2", these men presented intimidating figures to say the least.  Karen froze in fear and confusion about what to do.

Her first thought was: "These two men are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot; they are well-dressed and they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are powerful and not always rational, especially due to her recent incident.  Fear immobilized her.  She stood and stared at the floor, unsure what to do.  She definitely did not want to get on the elevator, but chided herself at the same time for being afraid. She felt anxious, flustered, and ashamed.  She hoped they didn't read her mind but for Heaven's Sake, they had to know what she was thinking! 

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. As the door began to close, the shorter man grabbed it and told her to hurry up and get on.  Now her face was flushed with embarrassment. They didn't look like criminals, but she was still frightened of them.  She tried to conquer her fears with reason, but it didn't work.  She was still afraid.  But she was also too embarrassed to let the door close with the man holding it open for her.  Finally with a mighty effort of will Karen picked up one foot and stepped forward. Then she willed the other foot to follow. As time seemed to slow down, Karen eventually found herself on the elevator.  Perspiration oozed from every fear-filled pore on her body. She felt like she was soaking wet.

Avoiding all possible eye contact, Karen immediately turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.  She hugged her bucket tightly.  She wondered if they had noticed she was carrying it!?  Karen felt her heart pounding. 

A second passed, then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator wouldn't move. Panic consumed her. "My God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!"  Her heart plummeted to her stomach.  More perspiration rose from every pore.  Nausea swept over her.

Then suddenly one of the men barked, "Hit the floor!" 

Karen screamed, "Aah!!!"  Instinct told her to do exactly what they told her.  In her panic, she inadvertently tossed the bucket of quarters in the air as she fell to the floor. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as Karen collapsed on the elevator floor and buried her head in her arms. She winced as a huge shower of coins rained down on her head. 

Karen screamed, "Please take my money and spare me!  I don't know even know what you look like, I swear!  I can't identify, I promise!!"  She started to pray and cry.  More seconds passed. 

Then she heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, we aren't going to hurt you. If you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The man had a little trouble getting the words out.  Karen didn't know it, but he was trying very hard to suppress a mighty belly laugh. 

The woman lifted her head and peaked up at the two men. They smiled back at her, and then both men reached down and grabbed an arm to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to fall on the floor, ma'am. I promise we won't hurt you." He spoke genially, but had to bite bit his lip several times.  It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. 

Noticing the broad grins on both men's faces, Karen thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself!"  She was too humiliated to speak.  She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you?  She didn't know what to say.  She got down on her knees and silently started to pick up the change. The two giant men also got down on their knees and began to help her gather up the 1200 strewn quarters.  Finally after a lot of work, they refilled her bucket.  Karen realized she was still shaking.

When the elevator arrived at her floor the men insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. Indeed she did stumble once and the taller man had to catch her arm to steady her. 

At her door they bid her a good evening.  Karen finally managed to mumble a garbled 'thanks' to them for helping her. It was the first thing she had been able to say. As she slipped into her room she slumped to the bed in crimson embarrassment.  She could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. Karen slapped herself on the head and thought about what a fool she had been. "I have made such an idiot of myself!"

Eventually Karen got back up and brushed herself off. She went to the restroom and pulled herself together. Finally she went downstairs for dinner with her husband. To her relief, Karen's husband was actually very sympathetic as she told him the story. She had worried he would laugh at her.

The next morning there was a knock on the door. A young man who worked for the hotel stood there in uniform holding a beautiful collection of flowers in a vase. It was a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years!  We hope you feel better today!" 

It was signed, 

Eddie Murphy 
Michael Jordan


April CS 24: The Blonde and the Redhead Make a Bet - Loni Lewellyn

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

So the redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed the $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!!"


April CS 25: The Preacher's Ass - Donna Mullen

A preacher needed to raise money for his church. On being told that there was a fortune in horseracing, he decided maybe this was a hint from Heaven so he decided to purchase one. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he simply did not have enough money. He ended up buying a donkey instead. The preacher figured that since he bought it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. Maybe with some divine intervention he had a chance. To his astonishment, the donkey came in third!! He said some silent prayers to the Almighty and was grateful for the earnings which not only paid for the donkey, but the light bill as well.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS". The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in the race again, and this time it won FIRST PLACE! This victory brought in the much-needed cash the preacher had hoped for, but he wondered what his superior would think about the headline. He knew the newspaper owner and the Bishop did not get along.

The paper read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"!!! The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. Crestfallen, the preacher complied.
The next paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS". This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read... "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she too would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read.... "NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.00"!!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read.... "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS RUNS WILD AND FREE"!!!!


April CS 26: Role Reversal - Leroy Ginzel

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist.

Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.  Housework was woman's work!

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished; something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. He feeling pretty frisky and decided he had an idea how to improve his chances that evening.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up!

He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too.  Charley fell asleep the moment the dishes were washed!"

April CS 27: The Blondes and the Houston Police Department - Chris Holmes

The Houston Police Department desperately needed a blonde woman to do undercover work as a waitress in a bar frequented by known criminals. Three blondes set in the office to apply for the position. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all smiled and nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a good detective, you must be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said. "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! Try using your brain next time! You're dismissed."

The first blonde hung her head and walked out.

The detective then turned to the second blonde and stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I told the other lady? This is a profile of a man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're not smart enough to work for us. You're excused, too!"

Sniffling quietly, the second blonde hung her head and walked out.

Rolling his eyes in disgust, the detective turned to the third blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but here, take a look at this picture." Then he flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

"I did! This man wears contact lenses!"

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"


April CS 28: The Fall - Leroy Ginzel

Irishman Sean McMurphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


April CS 29: Drinking Again - Pat Roberts

Sean McMurphy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. With his shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife Margaret, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, McMurphy sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated butt cheeks in the mirror in the dark hallway. Cursing softly, he managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with a screaming pain in his head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Maggie, what on earth would make you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "for starters, there's your bloodshot eyes, the front door was left open, there's broken whiskey bottle glass at the bottom of the stairs and there are drops of blood from your face all through the house. Speaking of blood, you have blood all over your butt, blood all over the sheets, and most pathetic, it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"


April CS 30: Little Johnny - Chris Holmes

Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, etc.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "He works for the Democratic National Committee, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


April CS 31: The Potato Patch - Leroy Ginzel

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. The ground was extremely hard and filled with huge rocks. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. - Love Dad

Bubba thought about what his father said, then sent him this letter:

"Dear Dad, for heaven's sake, whatever you do, Dad, don't dig up that garden, I think that's where I buried those BODIES!!"

Soon Bubba got another letter from his father.

"Son, you won't believe what happened. This morning a dozen FBI agents and local police showed up with huge earth movers. They dug up the entire area out back all day long. Whatever they were looking for, they sure didn't find it. They left mad without an explanation and they didn't even bother to put the dirt back!"

Bubba sent the following letter:

"Dear Dad, why not go ahead and plant the potatoes now? Love, Bubba."


April CS 32: The Sheep Bet - Chris Holmes

The Whiz Kid was driving 80 miles an hour in his brand new BMW when suddenly he screeched to a hairpin stop beside a roadside fence. The Whiz Kid had spotted a herd of sheep. He was headed to a Frat Party Reunion and thought it would be a great joke to bring a sheep along to present as a sex object for some of his old buddies. He could just see the laughter now. The smell of the burning rubber was still in the air as he rolled down his window and called to the shepherd.

"Hey buddy, if I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me borrow one of your sheep for a while?"

The shepherd sized up the young man who wore a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. The shepherd looked at Mr. Groomed to Zoom and calmly answered, "Sure. But I get $10 if you're wrong."

Mr. Groomed to Zoom parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he printed out a report on his hi- tech, miniaturized printer. He turned to the shepherd, handed him the sheet of paper with the math used to make his conclusion and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep plus the $10?"

"There's no way you can guess what I do. I have a very important job. OK, why not?" answered the young man.

"You must be a consultant," said the shepherd.

"That's correct," answered the disappointed Mr. Groomed to Zoom, "but how did you guess that without using any technology?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get something for nothing. You gave me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.

Now hand over $10 and give me back my dog."

 

ANSWER to SCIENTIFIC FILES:

There are six F's in the sentence.

A person of average intelligence finds three of them.

If you spotted four, you're above average.

If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.

If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s.

The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.

Pretty weird, huh?

 

BLUE SIDE JOKES
 

April Blue Side Jokes

April BS 01: The Frog and the Well-Hung Man
Michael Brockmyre

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him.  No men either, one would think.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. 

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. 

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look, Goddamnit - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"


April BS 02: Aging Gracefully 
Michael Brockmyre and Robin Wagner

An 85-year-old man named Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman named Katrina. As her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites so Morris will not overexert himself. After the festivities, Katrina prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom, primed and ready for action. They unite joyfully and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her. The bride prepares to go to sleep for the night with a sweet smile on her face. 

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door and there is the old gentleman, again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Katrina consents to further passion, which is again successful. And after which the new husband bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is actually worn out now and certainly ready for slumber when...

Close to sleep for the second time, Knock Knock Knock... There he is again!! 

Morris is as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more. Again, they go it, he with abandon, she with amazement. As Katrina lies there in the afterglow, her husband sits up and prepares to leave. The young bride reaches for him to stop and whispers to him, "Morris, sweetie, you amaze me!! I am really impressed that a man your age has enough stamina to make love three times in one night. I've known men less than half your age who were only good for one time." 

The old gentleman looks puzzled, turns to her in bewilderment and says, "Gee, was I already here ?" 


April BS 03: The Minister and his Congregation
Andre Faust

There was a young minister whose wife was expecting a baby. So the minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule. It was understood that from now on when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

However the congregation failed to anticipate one consequence of their good will. After the announcement of a sixth child on the way in just six years, several people noted their minister was now the best paid reverend in the area by a substantial margin. The congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the minister's pay situation.

As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the minister was fed up with all the arguing, so he rose and spoke to the crowd with his usual eloquence.

"Having children is an act of God!" he said. "We should all share responsibility for nurturing our Father's blessings upon us."

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information, Reverend - snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."


April BS 04: Venus and Mars Again
Cindy Sue Cortez

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? 

HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid. Nice.


April BS 05: Bull Story
Gary Richardson

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS." 

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have ten cows to 'take care of.' I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT. The three bulls just gasped as the the biggest Son-of-A-Bull these guys had ever seen appeared at the edge of the truck. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. It felt like a minor earthquake each time he took a step. 

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. As a welcome to pasture, I might let him have a couple and while he's adjusting, maybe I'll just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

Then another sound distracted. The two veterans looked over at their the 3rd bull and saw him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. Both bulls looked at each other in astonishment. Did their young friend have a secret death wish ?

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."


April BS 06: How Yodeling Was Invented
John Anderson

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. 

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?" 

"That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!"

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had no business fooling around with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out, "I laid the old lady too!" The sound echoed for miles…


April BS 07: 10 Things Men Know About Women
Gail Sink

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have Breasts


April BS 08: Bubba and His Friends
Kathleen Parker and Jill Banta

Bubba died in a Nudie-Bar fire and was burnt up pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Bert and Buck, were sent for. Buck went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. 

Buck said, "Wow ! he's burnt pretty bad. But I can't tell. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Buck pulled the sheet down further, looked at his butt, then said "Nope, it definitely ain't Bubba." 

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but called Bert in for another opinion. Bert took a look at him and said "I sure can't tell by looking at his face. He's burnt real bad. Roll him over." 

The mortician rolled him over. Just like Buck, Bert pulled down the sheet and stared at the dead man's butt. He shook his head. "Nope, it ain't Bubba." 

The mortician asked "How can you tell?," as Buck re-entered the room. Bert said "Well, everyone in town knew Bubba had two assholes." Buck nodded his head in agreement. 

"What? How can anybody have two assholes?" said the mortician. "Did you ever look at the two assholes?"

"Hell no, we didn't stare at Bubba's assholes, but every time the three of us went to the Titty Bar, folks would say, "There's Bubba with the two assholes!!"


April BS 09: National Poetry Contest
Richard Weisberg

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists - a Texas A&M graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Texas A&M graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said.... 
"Slowly across the desert sand, 
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. 

The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited.... 

"Me and Tim a huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

The redneck won hands down!


April BS 10: Sexual Dysfunction
Bett Sundermeyer

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. Mentioning his wife's frowns, he asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. 

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. Do something very dramatic that will distract you."

The man knew just what to do. Immediately he went to a sporting goods store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he drove home at a fever pitch to surprise his wife.

To his delight he found his wife already in bed, naked and aroused. What great timing! As the two rolled around, they soon found themselves in the 69 Position.

Moments later, the man felt the sudden urge to ejaculate. He reached for the starter pistol and fired it. 

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" 

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


April BS 11: The Camping Trip
Bett Sundermeyer

Two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.

When they return, the first guy says, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream; it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there."

"Well, that's okay," says the second guy, "but check this out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex in every imaginable position! She had a great body."

"Wow!" says the first guy, envious. "Did she give you oral sex?" 

"No," says the second guy. "I couldn't find her head."


April BS 12: The Chicken Stud
Tracy King

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to Service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. 

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Jeez, Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. 

The farmer is distraught, Worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. The farmer is sick in his stomach.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, points toward the sky and says, "Shhh.....they're getting closer."


April BS 13: The Doctor's Exam
Judy Walsh

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." 

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. 

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. 

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." 

"Uh, Correct!" replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" 

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place." 


April BS 14: The Gorilla
Pat Roberts

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man awakens, sees his beautiful wife sleeping and nudges her to suggest a little fun before they hit the zoo.

The wife immediately grabs her forehead and says maybe later, but right now she has a splitting pain in the middle of her forehead.

The husband groans. He's heard this one before. A little grouchy, he heads to the kitchen to have some coffee. A few minutes his wife pops in looking all chipper in a gorgeous new dress she has bought for the occasion. "Hurry up and get ready. We are off to the zoo!"

Sure enough, the husband and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. Thanks to his wife's urging, they get there early. As a result, they are practically the only people at the zoo.

A bit wistfully, he admires his beautiful wife's good looks as they stroll along. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. She has always been quite the head-turner and today is no exception.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a pit containing a very large hairy gorilla. Looking up, the gorilla notices the woman and seems riveted.

The wife notices that she has had an effect on the ape. She grins and decides to wave back at the gorilla. "Hey there, Mr. Gorilla! How are you today?"

Realizing the woman has responded to him, now the ape puts on a show. He jumps up and down on the logs in the pit, grunts loudly, and pounds his chest.
Not expecting that kind of reaction, the wife blushes, and then decides to wave again. This time she even does a little dance, holding the side of her dress and prancing around.

The Gorilla is very happy.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is very amusing. He knows his wife is a looker, but he never realized her attractiveness to the male gender crossed over to animals. Furthermore he is taken aback to see her actually flirt with a gorilla.

The husband suggests that the wife tease the poor fellow some more. He suggests she play along. So she puckers her lips, blows him a kiss, then turns around and wiggles her bottom at him.

Oh my goodness. Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, jumping around and hollering "hoo hoo ha ha". Then he starts to beat his chest Tarzan-style. The husband rolls his eyes. Didn't he see this exact mating ritual on National Geographic last week? Well, this is the real thing.

A kind of weird feeling overtakes the husband. He suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. Getting into it, she does exactly that.

Now the gorilla is about to kill himself scratching at the stone walls to get to her. He is developing one heck of a simian youknowwhat. Seeing this, the wife is getting a little flush herself. She can't explain it, but being the object of all this fuss is turning her on. Who would ever think this could happen?

Meanwhile the husband shakes his head in wonder. Just when he thinks he has seen everything under the sun, something like this comes along. Sure this is all a little sick, but it is what it is. He can't help himself. He decides to egg her on.

"Now lift your dress up above your thighs and fan your dress at him like Marilyn Monroe," he says.

She grins. Oh yeah. Good idea! This works wonders. Those long legs and the flapping dress drive the gorilla absolutely crazy. Now he's doing flips and starts making every kind of ape sound imaginable. He is going nuts!

The husband sees what they mean when they say, "go ape". This gorilla has a thing for his wife; he has it bad. She has really rattled his cage.

Sometimes people do crazy things. Logically speaking, it makes no sense, but on the spur of the moment they do stuff they can't even begin to explain later on. The wife is deeply amused by her power over this beast down below. She is having a really good time and feeling kind of giddy. Teasing comes as naturally to her as breathing. No one is around but her husband and he's getting into it, so who cares if she has some fun?

Without any prodding, the wife has a moment of total abandon. She suddenly exposes her breasts and shimmies!

That puts him over the edge. The poor gorilla is about to explode!! He is climbing at the wall futilely and screaming with passion!!

Without warning the husband grabs his wife by her arm and her belt and tosses her over the railing into a moat below. She makes a huge splash as she hits the water.

The Gorilla's eyes bulge with astonishment!!

"Now, honey, go ahead and tell that Big Ape you have a headache!!"


April BS 15: The Anniversary Present
Kathleen Parker

This guy was fighting traffic after a hard day at work. As he passed a shopping mall, he thought about all the money his wife spent there. That reminded him it was their anniversary today. He slapped his head, did a sharp right turn and sped into the parking lot. All the stores were closed except a pet store that still had its lights on. 

He walked in only to be greeted by a single clerk who said they were closing. The man said he wanted to buy something unusual. The clerk showed him Dogs, Cats, Parrots, Fish, etc, and the guy said, "No, these guys are kind of high maintenance. I need something simpler. What's that over there?" 

"Oh, that's just a gag gift, sir. Those frogs just came in. You don't want that," said the clerk. 

The man went over to investigate. There were three little frogs with the longest damn tongues he had ever seen. In addition they made curious sucking sounds. Attached was a long-winded joke writeup that said these were Indonesian Love Frogs designed to give pleasure to a man's wife during the times he must leave to hunt. Things had been more than a little rocky lately with the wife, so the man hoped this might loosen things up a bit. 

"How much?"

"100 bucks."

"You gotta be kidding!!"

"That's what the manager listed here. Take it or leave it." Actually the manager had suggested 10 bucks, but the clerk saw the worried man's desperation and sensed an opportunity.

Shaking his head and cursing the bind he was in, the man stuck out a credit card. "Sorry, sir, the credit card machine is shut off. Cash only." Disgusted, the man realized he was cornered, so he pulled out some bills and made the purchase. The clerk grabbed one of the little critters and threw it in a box, wrapped it, and shoved it across the counter to the man. Off he went to see the wife.

So later that night he gives his wife the Anniversary Gift. She opens the box and the frog hops out onto the living room table. At this point the man cringes as his wife's eyes light up with fury. She screams at him, calling him the stupidest man on earth for giving her a goddamn frog as an anniversary present. "You are an idiot! Other women get jewelry and trips, but you buy me a goddamn frog!" Then she finds out he paid $100 and that makes her even more furious. She calls him a complete and total moron, tells him she regrets the day she agreed to marry him, reminds him she almost changed her mind at the altar, walks off, and slams the bedroom door. Then she reopens it and tells him to get used to that goddamned frog because he ain't gettin' no more from her till Hell freezes over. 

For the second time that day he slaps his head in total abject frustration. It looks like another night on the couch…maybe even a permanent move at this rate. He goes to the closet, grabs a blanket, and takes his clothes off completely. He always sleeps in the nude, yet another habit his wife criticizes him for. 

Humiliated and disgusted with life, he lays there staring at the ceiling. Then to his surprise, something very pleasant is beginning to happen under the blanket. He peeks and realizes the Indonesian Love Frog is using that tongue and sucking technique to give him the most incredible sexual experience of his entire life!! He moans and groans and clutches a pillow in ecstasy. When he can't stand it any longer, he jams his face into the pillow to muffle his final Tarzan-like scream of pleasure. He just lays there gasping in awestruck bliss. The little frog crawls up his belly and gives him a peck on his cheek, then cuddles comfortably at his side. 

Touched by the sweetness of the little creature, the man has an idea. He takes the frog into the kitchen and starts pulling pots and pans out of the cupboard and eggs out of the refrigerator. 

Disturbed by all the racket, his wife comes out of the bedroom and stands angrily in the kitchen door with her arms crossed. "For Crying Out Loud, what in the Hell do you think you are doing?"

"Oh, get lost, woman. The moment this frog learns how to cook, you're outta here!"


April BS 16: Be Careful Who You Sleep With 
Bett Sundermeyer

As the dawn's light peaked through the window, the young man awoke with a big grin on his face. He was proud of himself. Last night at the bar his best pickup lines had worked their usual magic. Today he had another notch in his belt. He was clearly God's Gift to Women. 

After a long night of making love and a couple hours to nap, the young guy rolled over to view his sleeping conquest. Nice piece of ass. Small tits, but great pussy. Very athletic body. Cute face. And quite enthusiastic. Definitely delicious. He relished a woman who desired sex as much as he did. He aimed to please. He began some idle speculation over his conquest. 

She was a good score, but how good? Better than average, that was for sure. She was cute, no doubt about it. And somehow 'different'. He wondered if he would remember her twenty years from now. Probably not. He couldn't put his finger on it, but she had one-night stand written all over her. She would remember him though. At her fevered requests he performed all night long. It was hard to neglect a writhing woman in heat. God did she want it and boy did she moan!! She had needed it, that's for sure. Every position in the book and not once had the slightest resistance or hesitation appeared. What a great fuck!! A smile crossed his face. 
As more light entered the room he looked around and noticed a framed picture of a man on her desk near the bed. 

At once he was on guard. The guy began to worry about getting caught. Husband? Boyfriend? He stirred her awake. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. 

"No, silly," she replied sleepily, snuggling up to him. 

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. He wondered why this picture upset him… now for the second time he had that 'something-he-couldn't-put-his-finger-on' feeling.

"No, baby, not at all. There's nothing to worry about. I am all yours," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Are you ready for some more you-know-what?" 

"Yeah, in a minute. But there's something about that picture I can't figure out. Is that your brother?"

"My. My. Aren't you the nosy one! No, that's not my brother. If you must know, that's me before the surgery."


April BS 17: The Fireman
Carole Nelson

A Fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked STAT! When I say BELL 2, jump in bed and spread your legs!! And BELL 3 rhymes with "FIRE TRUCK!!"

Seeing his enthusiasm, she was intrigued, so she agreed to cooperate with the fire-fighting approach to sex. She smiled as she noticed how excited he got even thinking about it.

Sure enough, the next night he came home from work and screamed "BELL 1!! BELL 2!! BELL 3!!

The wife quickly responded. He jumped on top of her and began a frenzied BOOM BOOM BOOM.

After a few minutes the wife yelled, "DING! DING! DING! EMERGENCY!! BELL 4!! BELL 4!!" 

The fireman stopped what he was doing for a moment. "What the hell is BELL 4?" he asked. "There's no BELL 4!"

"Oh, yes, there is! BELL 4 is 'Stretch the Hose!! You're nowhere near the Fire!!'"


April BS 18: Cake or Bed
Jerald Anthony

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a GE logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." 

To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

'Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"


April BS 19: The Marriage Competition
Crista Reuss

A man was seeing three women when he decided it was time for him to get married. He gave them each $5,000 to see what they would each do with the money. A couple of weeks later, he called all three of them to ask what they had done with the money and why.

The first woman: "I spent all the money getting a makeover at the finest salon and on extravagant clothes just because I want to look beautiful for you because I love you so much." After hearing this, the man was impressed.

The second woman: "I spent all the money you gave me to lavish you with gifts. I got you a new set of golf clubs, a new big screen TV and a couple of other surprises just because I love you so much." Again, the man was impressed.

The third woman: "I invested all of your money on the stock market and made it back several times over. I will be giving you the original $5000 back to you and putting the money I made into a joint CD for our future because I love you so much and I want us to be comfortable in our old age." Obviously, the man was impressed.

After careful consideration of what the women had done with the $5000, he married the one with the biggest breasts.


April BS 20: The Friendly Neighborhood
Pat Roberts

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband is sitting on the bedroom bed talking on the phone long distance. He asks to her to check on who's at the door, so she quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob.

Before she can say a word, Rob smiles and says, "Wow, Miriam, you look great! I'll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on." 

After a quick flashback to her hippie days when she did the same thing for free, the woman grins and drops her towel. There she stands naked in front of him, proudly displaying her beautiful body. 

He admires her for a few seconds, smiles broadly, and thanks her from the bottom of his heart. Then he hands her $500 dollars and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband is still on the phone, "Who was that?"

"It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

Without a word, she handed him the money and walked off.


April BS 21: The Mask
Rick Archer

A young dental hygienist started her first job at the dental clinic. She came from a small town with an incredibly overprotective mother. A secretary in the clinic noticed it seemed the young lady not only wore a mask while she worked on patients, but practically all the time.

After a couple days, the secretary realized the girl NEVER took off her mask. Curious, she asked the young lady to lunch. Amused by the constant lifting off the mask in order to eat or drink anything, the secretary decided to ask the question. 

"Why do you wear that mask all the time?" 

"Oh goodness, I am terrified of getting pregnant. My mother says there are sperms in the air everywhere!!" 

"Honey, that was "germs" your mother was talking about. The only two things in the air that can get you pregnant are your feet!!"

April BS 22: It Could Get Worse
Chris Holmes

Unbeknownst to Paul, the new guy in town, the local arboretum was a popular pickup spot for gays.

Walking through the woods on his first visit to the arboretum, Paul received one smile after another from the men he passed. Now Paul was in a good mood because he was starting to think this was a pretty friendly town!!

Paul got a little disoriented as to the path, but was relieved to suddenly discover another man sitting on the ground. The man smiled at him and said, "I am so glad you walked by! I made the most fascinating discovery!"

With that the man stood up and began hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this peculiar sight, Paul inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the first man replied. "It's the most amazing thing I have ever heard. Who would have imagined a tree can pick up music? I'm almost certain it must be a local radio station!"

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, I'm serious. Would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

The man walked on the other side of the tree where Paul couldn't really see him very well and directed him to wrap his arms around the tree in a very specific way so it would be easier to hear the music. Obediently Paul wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against the tree.

With that, the other guy slapped a set of hand-cuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him ass naked, put on the new set of clothes, gave him a little spank on the rear, then left.

Paul called for help only to be totally frustrated that no one responded. He cursed his pitiful luck, vowing he would never make a mistake this stupid again.

Finally two hours later Paul was relieved to see another nature lover stroll by.

The man was frankly startled by the sight of a man hand-cuffed to the tree stark ass naked. After staring in shock for a while, he asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

So Paul told him the whole pathetic story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy. When the story was over, the guy asked Paul a question, "Did you know you are off the path?"

Paul said he hadn't been aware of that, but admitted he had felt a bit lost when he ran across the first guy.

Then the man asked, "When was the last time someone came by here?"

Paul answered, "Two hours ago."

The other guy said, "That's what I thought." Then he promptly walked around behind Paul, pulled a condom out of his wallet, kissed Paul behind the ear and whispered, "This just ain't your day, is it?"


April BS 23: The Dangerous Looking Biker
Chris Holmes

A biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live near Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".


April BS 24: The Mini Skirt
Gary Richardson

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. Her parents helped us in every way, my parents told me I had found the right girl, and my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

However there was something that bothered me and it bothered me a lot. There was a demon in the back of my mind that I could not shake. That demon was my fiancée's younger sister. My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty years of age with big breasts, a narrow waist and long legs. She wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her breasts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

The rational side of me knew we had nada zip nil in common, but nevertheless my pecker always sprang to attention the moment she walked in the room. Then the nausea from fighting the temptation would make me sick in my stomach.

Even worse were those mini-skirts. One time by chance I followed the sister up the stairs only to realize she had nothing on under that mini-skirt. I have never been able to erase the memory of the passion that grew in me when I saw that naked pussy just screaming with invitation!!

From that moment on I would tremble violently every time I saw her in one of those mini-skirts again!! My face would automatically turn red with heat and I always worried someone would guess what was going on. Finally to keep my sanity I began to avoid the little sister like the plague. And if she was in the room, I wouldn't even look at her. She had my number and I was deathly afraid she knew it.

One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations with the family. To my surprise, she was alone when I arrived. Usually the house was full of parents, friends, guests, whatever. The place usually resembled a hotel with all the comings and goings. But now it was completely silent. I was immediately on guard.

Then I made the mistake of looking at her long legs and the mini-skirt. I weakened immediately as my memory of where there long legs ended swept over me. My breath grew short. I started to sweat. I felt heat all over my body. I was spinning out of control.

Little Sister whispered to me that soon I was to be married, but she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. The passion that stirred in my pants however was violent. I was a goner.

Little Sister said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock. Then I watched her go up the stairs. I had to look. Sure enough, she wore nothing underneath the mini-skirt. I moaned as I watched every slow movement of her hips from beneath the stairs. The siren call of lust exploded within me.

When she reached the top she turned and pulled up her mini skirt. She said with a smile, "If you want some of this, come and get it."

I stood there for a moment, then turned and frantically ran out the front door. I was in such a frenzy I tripped and fell on the porch. Then I tripped again on the steps. As I hit the sidewalk I lost my balance and fell to one knee. Then I hobbled to my car as fast as I could. I cursed because my legs didn't seem to work right. I was desperate to get to my car. Then just as I opened the car door, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

Stunned, I turned to discover my future father-in-law standing there.  My eyes bulged and my mouth had to be open wider than the Grand Canyon. What in the hell was going on here?

With a big smile and tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed a very tough test. At first we were a little worried about you, but now I know we couldn't possibly ask for better man for our daughter! Welcome to the family!!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

Why Nothing Ever Gets Done in This Country  (thank you, Gareld McEathron!)

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. Me, I'm working hard publishing these jokes.  What about you?

There you are sitting on your butt, staring at your computer, reading these stupid jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Get back to work, Slacker, before your business catches you and bans my web site.