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More than anyone could have ever imagined, the Internet has encouraged enormous numbers of otherwise productive human beings to waste vast amounts of time each day reading jokes, writing jokes, and relaying jokes on to other easily distracted friends. 

In fact, the SSQQ web site has been banned by many businesses because of the jokes you sent us (and I was stupid enough to reprint)  Therefore
I dedicate the SSQQ Joke page in your honor since this entire page is all your fault!     
                                                

If you would like to participate, send your contributions to Rick Archer,
dance@ssqq.com

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December Clean Side Jokes

December CS 01:  Bungee-Jumping in Mexico - Pat Roberts
December CS 02:  Playboy for Married Men - Gary Richardson
December CS 03:  The Blonde and the Ranch - Kerry Pelham
December CS 04:  You May be a Redneck if…- Gary Richardson
December CS 05:  The Married Man - Judith Walsh, M. Guillory, Andre Faust
December CS 06:  An Elderly Couple - Andre Faust
December CS 07:  The Country Doctor - Angela Dolezal
December CS 08:  The Four Year Old Daughter - Chris Holmes
December CS 09:  The Hustler and the Golf Pro - Mike Guillory
December CS 10:  Kuwaiti Men Treat Their Women Better - Mike Guillory
December CS 11:  Brother John - Mike Guillory
December CS 12:  The GI Learns Manners in England - Pat Roberts
December CS 13:  A Note From Camp - Pat Roberts
December CS 14:  A Chance for a Promotion - Patricia Bradshaw
December CS 15:  The Cannibals - Daryl Armstrong
December CS 16:  Brandi and the Lord - Susan Schroeder
December CS 17:  The Golf Club - Chris Holmes
December CS 18:  A Heart-Warming Story - Ralph Volz
December CS 19:  Hanky-Panky - Ralph Volz
December CS 20:  Redneck Vacation - Alyssa Shulman
December CS 21:  Cow from Ohio - Chris Holmes 
December CS 22:  Farmer Jake 
- Donna Ruth
December CS 23:  The Blonde and the Brunette Team Up - Gary Richardson 
December CS 24:  I've Got My Eye on You - Kathleen Bungard 
December CS 25:  Aggie Hunters - Patty Jones 
December CS 26:  Seven degrees of blondeness - Judith Walsh 
December CS 27:  Tales Doctors Can Tell - Hieronymous Anonymous 

December Blue Side Jokes

December BS 01:  Happily Married, But One Problem - Mike Gerstenberger
December BS 02:  Santa Claus - Rick Archer
December BS 03:  The Lottery - Kathleen
Parker
December BS 04:  Uncle Ajax - Ella Forel
December BS 05:  The Big Game Hunter - Kerry Pelham

December BS 06:  The Frog Trainer - Ralph Volz
December BS 07:  The Biker Woman - George Rutherford 
December BS 08: 
Little Johnnie and Susie - John Anderson
December BS 09:  Christmas in Connecticut - Kathleen Parker 
December BS 10:  Working the System - Chris Holmes
December BS 11:  Sugar is sweet - Doreen Bryan
December BS 12:  Tequila Wish - Doreen Bryan
December BS 13:  Outhouse - Gary Richardson
December BS 14:  The Inexpensive Drug Plan - Pat Roberts
December BS 15:  Learning Life's Lessons - Gary Richardson
December BS 16:  Doctor visit - Leroy S Ginzel
December BS 17:  Boss's wife -  Eric May
December BS 18:  Wave the towel - Ralph Volz
December BS 19:  Buttercups - Pat Roberts - 
December BS 20:  Reverend Fuzz and the Sinner - Doreen Bryan
December BS 21:  Skippy - Judith Walsh 
December BS 22:  Hurricanes - Judith Walsh
December BS 23: The Lame Excuse - Gary Richardson
December BS 24: The Wild Florida Retirement Scene - Judy Walsh

 
     Hall of Fame Jokes - March 2007

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December Clean Side Jokes

December CS 01:  Bungee Jumping in Mexico - Pat Roberts

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,

”What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a ‘pinata’?”


December CS 02:  Playboy for Married Men - Gary Richardson

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...


December CS 03:  The Blonde and the Ranch - Kerry Pelham

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, have inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

She drives all night long and the next morning meets with an old cowboy that will sell her the bull.

"It's the only one I got for $600, take it or leave it."

She argues for a while, but it doesn't do any good. The guy took one look at her Louisiana license plates and knows he has the bargaining position. Sensing he made his best offer up front, she is ready to give in, but thinks twice.

"Sir, $600 is all I got. Leave me a dollar for an emergency phone call."

He nods in understanding, so she pays the $599 to buy the bull.

After paying him, the brunette sister drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the local telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister in Louisiana telling her that I've bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. I want the telegram to say: 'Have found stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.'"

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $0.99 per word including tax. That's 10 words, so I need $9.99."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides on another message. "I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable," replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is my sister.  She is very blonde and is only able to read very SLOWLY. When she gets this telegram, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.

 
December CS 04:  You May be a Redneck if… - Gary Richardson

If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 

If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 

If your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 

If you burn your yard rather than mow it. 

If the Salvation Army declines your mattress. 

If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 

If you have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 

If you come back from the dump with more than you took. 

If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. 

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 

If you go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 

If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 

If you have a rag for a gas cap. 

If you've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. 

If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 

If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 

If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 

If there is a murder and DNA tests indicate practically everyone in the community is a suspect.

 

December CS 05:  The Married Man – Judith Walsh, Mike Guillory, and Andre Faust

A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

 

December CS 06:  An Elderly Couple – Andre Faust

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.  The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!” The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” 

The old man yelled, “He thinks he knows you!”

After the old lady got her ticket, she ordered her husband to drive, then climbed in the back seat. The woman was so mad she ranted on and on about the stupidity of the cop who had given her the ticket. The old man did the best he could to ignore her and tried to watch the scenery as he drove on.

It grew dark. With a grim smile, the old man noted he was finally able to tune her out. After gaining a semblance of peace, it was with great annoyance that he noted the same patrolman come up fast behind him and signal for him to pull over. With a great sigh, he slowed down and waited for the cop. To his surprise he saw the man dragging his wife from the patrol car to his car. She was bitching every step of the way.

“Hey, Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few miles back??” the officer asked.

“Really?? No kidding!  Hey, thanks for telling me, Officer. For a while I was worried that I was going deaf too!!”

 

December CS 07:  The Country Doctor – Angela Dolezal

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.  The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. 

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

 

December CS 08:  The Four Year Old Daughter – Chris Holmes

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I already knew that, daddy."

Raising an eyebrow, he replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

 

December CS 09:  The Hustler and the Golf Pro – Mike Guillory

The old retired man had been taking Golf lessons. He was making steady progress, but chafed at the constant needling of the golf pro.

Finally, one day the old man challenged the golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the old man, “since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he knew easy money was to be had so he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the members. 

“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’  Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?” 

 

December CS 10:  Kuwaiti Men Treat Their Women Better – Mike Guillory

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Surprised, Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this impressive reversal of roles?”

Behind the veil, the Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

 

December CS 11:  Brother John – Mike Guillory

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'. The Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may now speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed." 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." 

After another five years, the Chief Priest called Brother John. "You may say another two words, Brother John." 

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. 

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." 

"Old Blanket,” said Brother John.

"Brother John, I think it is probably best that you leave the Monastery. You just don’t fit in," said the Chief Priest. “You've done nothing but complain since you got here." 

 

December CS 12:  The GI Learns Manners in England – Pat Roberts

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.

The lady was insulted; “You Americans are so rude,” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said.  “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier completely lost his temper. He stepped over, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. As she watched the young man shaking with anger, the lady was speechless, but at least had the sense to shut up.

At this, an older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know after watching you, I am starting to believe the old legend that only the stupid ones sailed to the Colonies. You Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

 

December CS 13:  A Note From Camp – Pat Roberts

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.  Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps, it was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it weren’t for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup?  The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes.  John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Jordie

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

December CS 14:  A Chance for a Promotion – Patricia Bradshaw

It’s quitting time and on the way out, a young executive sees the CEO of the company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” the CEO says,  “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?”

“No problem,” says the young executive. This is his chance to show the boss how smart he is. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses “Start.”

“Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “Now I just need one copy.”

 

December CS 15: The Cannibals - Daryl Armstrong

Several cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defense company. 

"You're all part of our team now," said the boss during the welcoming ceremony. "You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, so please don't trouble any of the other employees." 

The cannibals promised. 

Four weeks later the boss returned and said, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" 

The cannibals all shook their heads no. 

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"


December CS 16:  Brandi and the Lord – Susan Schroeder

A woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. She invested all her inheritance and now her business has gone bankrupt. Brandi is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. This is unusual for her. Brandi has never prayed before, but if ever she needed the Lord before, she needs him now.

Brandi begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."  Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I have never asked you for help before and I have always been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


December CS 17:  The Golf Club - Chris Holmes

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


December CS 18:  A Heart-Warming Story – Ralph Volz

Here's one of those heartwarming stories that takes a minute to read but will stay with you all day... Someone who teaches at middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.  The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. 

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. 

My roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio.  Before I received one, she would NEVER let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Life is good.
Sincerely, Edna

December CS 19:  Hanky-Panky - Ralph Volz

A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.  Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman. 

Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.  While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

December CS 20:  Redneck Vacation - Alyssa Shulman - 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." 

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." 


December CS 21:  Cow from Ohio - Chris Holmes 

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.  They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio.


December CS 22:   Farmer Jake - Donna Ruth

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. 

At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. 

When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" 

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"


December CS 23:  The Blonde and the Brunette Team Up - Gary Richardson 

The Blonde and the Brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The Brunette smiles and says she will handle it.

So the Brunette leaves the hotel with the Blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The Brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Brunette tells the Blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Brunette and the Blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41.

There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful Blonde, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replies, "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on."

The Brunette replies..... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return?  You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful."


December CS 24:  I've Got My Eye on You - Kathleen Bungard 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!  He is drawn to praise her.  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh heavens no," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."


December CS 25:  Aggie Hunters - Patty Jones

A couple of Texas Aggie hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

The other Aggie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend keeled over.  I think he's is dead!  What can I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


December CS 26:  Seven degrees of blondeness - Judith Walsh 

ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here and hung up. The husband said, Who was that The wife said, I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, Hmm, this person looks familiar. The second blonde says, Here, let me see! So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, You dummy, it's me!

THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, No, honey, don't do it. The blonde replies, Shut up, you're next!

FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? The blonde replies, Oh, that's easy W 

FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?

SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am? Yes, officer, I'm just fine the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world did this happen? The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. Officer, it was the strangest thing! The blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another T.... Uh, ma'am, the officer said, cutting her off, There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!


December CS 27:  Tales Doctors Can Tell - Hieronymous Anonymous 

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one. 

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.  "Yes, they certainly used to be," the patient said sadly. 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.  Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."  Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I requested. There was silence.  He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked.  He was standing there with both his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious! 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" 
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive." 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.  I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. 
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" 
"Yes," he answered. 
She asked, "Does it work?" 
"Yes," he answered. 
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. 
"I can if I take two," he answered.

 

BLUE SIDE JOKES

December BS 01: Happily Married, But One Problem - Submitted by Mike Gerstenberger and Mike Guillory

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for 40 yrs. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her! She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got her own back.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. You were right all along. But.....by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".


December BS 02: Santa Claus - Rick Archer

Santa and his reindeer plop down on a roof.  Pretty soon, Santa is doing his chimney thing.  As he walks toward the Christmas Tree with plenty of gifts, a young lady greets Santa wearing only a robe.  She smiles seductively and says, "Oooh, Santa Baby, Can I have a special present this Christmas?"

Santa looks interested, but replies with a smile, "HO HO HO, GOTTA SAY NO,  JUST TOO MANY PLACES TO GO!"

The young lady drops her robe.  As he stares in shock at the woman's gorgeous body, Santa is visibly aroused. 

"HEY HEY HEY, GUESS I'LL STAY.  CAN'T GET UP THE CHIMNEY ANYWAY."

December BS 03: The Lottery - Kathleen Parker

A woman arrives home, screeches into the driveway, runs in the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”

The husband says, “Oh my God!  No shit?!  What should I pack?  Beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The wife yells back, “Pack whatever you want.  It doesn’t matter --- just get the fuck out!"

December BS 04: Uncle Ajax - Ella Forel

Uncle Ajax prided himself on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties. Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat was not on the hatrack by the front door. He couldn’t remember where he had worn it last, and he hadn’t gone anywhere without it. His wife didn’t know anything about it, and that lost hat really aggravated him. He spent days looking for it.

Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever, and—since he was also something of a cheat—he decided that he’d go to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot of men showing up in their best clothes—including, of course, fine hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then, during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners’ hats, he stayed behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, “Father, I have to admit that I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”

The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for 20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he had ever said.   “Bless you, my son,” he burbled. “Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”

My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat.”

 December BS 05: The Big Game Hunter - Kerry Pelham

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok". Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle !!"

The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion". Then after fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308 !!" He was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, each time against a round of drinks. Finally, he staggered home, pissed out of his mind, and he went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So I wonder where did I get this black eye?"

And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course. I socked you and you deserved it !!"

"But what did I do ?" he asked. 

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, “Skunk, killed with an axe".

December BS 06: The Frog Trainer - Ralph Volz 

Pam, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. 

The sign says: Oral Sex Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter “I’ll take one.”

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, “Just follow the instructions carefully. Page me if there’s a problem.” He hands Pam his card. 

Pam nods, ‘Okay,’ grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...

First she takes a shower. Then she splashes on some nice smelling perfume. Then she slips into a very sexy nightie.  Finally, as instructed, she crawls into bed, spreads her legs, and puts the frog down ‘there’.

Nothing happens!

Pam is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper. It says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, Pam calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, “I’m sorry about the problem. We had some complaints earlier this week and I think I know how to fix the problem. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.

Pam welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, “Listen to me!  I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

December BS 07: The Biker Woman - George Rutherford

Little ol' lady decides she wants to join a biker club, so she goes and knocks on the door of their headquarters. A big, hairy, tattooed biker dude opens the door.  

"I want to join your club," she says.

The biker, amused, asks, "You got a scoot?"

"Sure do," she says. "That's my Harley out there in the driveway."

Impressed, the biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

She says, "Yep, I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shootin' pool."

Very impressed, he asks, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She says, "Well, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."


December BS 08: Little Johnnie and Susie - John Anderson

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."

December BS 09: Christmas in Connecticut - Kathleen Parker
It was snowing as George, the mailman, braved the elements to deliver the day's mail. Mrs. Smith gasped as nearly 50 Christmas Cards came pouring through the opening. It was just four days till Christmas. Mrs. Smith could not remember a day when George had failed to deliver the mail in the 15 years the family had lived there. She made a note to ask her husband something when he arrived later.

The next day Mrs. Smith met George at the door in her bathrobe. Outside were near-blizzard conditions, but Mrs. Smith knew George would be by. She invited him in, asked him to take his wet coat off, and then handed him some warm apple cider and some homemade cookies. Gratefully he stepped in out of the harsh elements. He really appreciated the chance to warm up a little. He was a little embarrassed as the icicles that had formed on his mustache started to melt, but Mrs. Smith handed him a napkin with a smile. After he finished his snack, Mrs. Smith politely asked George to come upstairs to help her lift something heavy. 

As he entered the bedroom, Mrs. Smith took George's hand and led him over to the bed. Then she kissed him gently. "George, please do not say no. This is very important to me." With that she carefully stepped out of her robe and crawled under the covers. 

George wasn't sure he could have said no. Mrs. Smith was a graceful, beautiful woman. He was totally overcome ! Quickly he undressed and crawled into the warm bed where Mrs. Smith waited for him under the covers. It was the kind of experience that only lasts a few fabulous moments, but you dream about it for the rest of your life.

Later as George put his clothes back on and was ready to leave, Mrs. Smith handed George a dollar bill. George was puzzled. "What's this for?" he asked.

Mrs. Smith smiled. "Last night I told my husband what a wonderful mailman you are and asked him what we could get you for a Christmas present. If I remember correctly, his exact words were, 'Ah, fuck the mailman. Give him a cookie and a dollar.' Merry Christmas, George, you are a wonderful man!"

December BS 10: Working the System - Chris Holmes

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.  When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We can do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare. Plus Marilyn gets turned on when people watch.”

December BS 11: Sugar is sweet - Doreen Bryan

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???"

This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" 

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return. 

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."


December BS 12: Tequila Wish! - Doreen Bryan

Pancho is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. Pancho is stunned. 

The Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." 

Pancho begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila." 

The Genie grants him his wish. When he gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. 

Pancho yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and he takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink because it is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. 

The next night Pancho comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. 

Finally Friday night comes and Pancho comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. Pancho begins to piss in the glass.

When he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!!!


December BS 13: Outhouse - Gary Richardson

Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.

"Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

December BS 14: The Inexpensive Drug Plan - Pat Roberts

Beset by financial problems, Mr. Smith switched to the least expensive medical coverage he could find. 

Soon after Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" 

"Under a normal drug plan, yes. But Medicheap won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Medicheap recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."


December BS 15: Learning Life's Lessons - Gary Richardson

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. Mother watches with a frown. 

He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

December BS 16: Doctor visit - Leroy Ginzel

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.

She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband said, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

December BS 17: The Wife of the Boss - Eric May

Bill, the new guy at the company, made his way to the annual Christmas Party figuring it was a way for him to meet a bunch of new people. While there, he was approached by a very lovely and attractive woman who insistently kept flirting with him. She insisted he come by her house one day during lunch for an afternoon of pleasure. It would only cost him $100 for the afternoon and she promised to make it worth his while. He was really surprised at how this woman could work her charm. She must be a pro. He later found out that this was his new boss' wife! Not knowing what to do, he decided to forget about the entire thing and just go about his business.
Some time later on, he shows up at her house with the money and they spend a wild afternoon together. 

When her husband got home that evening, he asked her if Bill had stopped by the house. Caught off guard and figuring that she had been found out, she said, "Yes dear, he did. Why?"

Boss: "Did he give you $100?"

Wife (now sure she had been caught): "Yes he did. Why are you asking me this?"

Boss: "Bill quit today and said he had an emergency to take care of and that he needed to borrow $100. He promised to stop by the house on his way out of town and give you the money. I was just wondering if he did."

December BS 18: Wave the Towel - Ralph Volz

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. 

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. 

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. 

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." 

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. 

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. 

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You Putz, learn something from the old guy! Now THAT'S the way you're supposed to wave a towel!"

December BS 19: Buttercups - Pat Roberts - 

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. 

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. 
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" 

Then POOF! she was gone. 

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. 
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows." 

Harry yells back...."DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!!"

December BS 20: Reverend Fuzz and the Sinner - Doreen Bryan

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. 

One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. 

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" 

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go home with you. You're such a cutie."

"I don't mean my home," he stammered. "We have to get you out of here now."

With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. 

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Hey, look here buddy, we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!" 

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." 

The bartender looked surprised, then said, "Hell then, if you're that far in, you might as well finish it up."

December BS 21: Skippy - Judith Walsh 

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to the combination of her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. 

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. 

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing right down at her feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, "This is great!" A big smile came across her face. What luck!! 

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Skippy, move!" 

Once again the woman smiled at her fortune.

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. 

For the third time, the father looked at the dog with disgust, but this time he yelled, "Dammit, Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

December BS 22: Hurricanes - Judith Walsh

How are women like hurricanes?

They come in wet and wild, and leave with your house and car.

December BS 23: The Lame Excuse - Gary Richardson

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, wakening round 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!  You've been playing golf!"


December BS 24: The Wild Florida Retirement Scene - Judy Walsh

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, had decided it was time to stop mourning, pack her bags and get on with her life. She had just begun to settle in at her new Golden Years retirement home at Cocoa Beach, Florida.  She hadn't found anyone just yet that she "connected with" and was feeling kinda blue.  One morning she was going nuts watching all the "old people" sitting around and playing bingo.

Finally she couldn't take it any more so she grabbed a beach towel and walked four blocks to the nearby beach. She rented a beach chair and an umbrella. She found a pleasant spot and began to read her racy bodice-ripper novel about the ship's captain and the sultry slave girl he had rescued from the pirates.  Sarah enjoyed reading a particularly well-written love scene.

When the chapter ended, she looked up and noticed that a man about her age had placed his blanket on the sand nearby and was also reading a book. By chance there was absolutely no one else around.

Smiling, Sarah attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded as he looked up from his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied. To her disappointment, his eyes again turned back to his book.

Undaunted she decided to continue. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree Village," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, walked over, pulled Sarah onto his blanket, tore off her swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

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Why Nothing Ever Gets Done in This Country  (thank you, Gareld McEathron!)

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. Me, I'm working hard publishing these jokes.  What about you?

There you are sitting on your butt, staring at your computer, reading these stupid jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Get back to work, Slacker, before your business catches you and bans my web site.

CENSORSHIP


A Note From Rick Archer Concerning Naughty Jokes

For the first eight years of the SSQQ web site, I kept the "naughty jokes" at a secret location here on the web site.  Then in 2006 we discovered that corporate web censors had begun to block access to the ssqq web site due to "objectionable content".  Apparently even our clean jokes were offensive!  Faced with the choice of kowtowing to Big Brother and giving the ssqq web site a thorough clean up, we decided to say the heck with it.

Now that our reputation is ruined, what's the point of holding back?  As they say, we can't be good any more, so we might as well be better!

So, starting in July, 2006, I decided to add the naughty jokes in with the clean jokes each month.  My guess is after you read the naughty jokes, you will agree with me they aren't at all nasty. They simply deal with adult themes.  I added them for one simple reason - they made me laugh.  I hope they do the same for you.

 Rick Archer
July 8, 2006

-----Original Message-----
From: Andrew N
Sent: Monday, May 29, 2006 5:18 AM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: blue side jokes

Hi Rick,

I read with interest your comments about the ssqq web site being blocked by corporation web censors in the june 2006 newsletter.  I would rather not list where I work because google is sure to bust my butt in case you print this, but I haven't been able to get on your web site from work for about six months.  I always get a popup that says viewing is blocked due to "lewd and objectionable material". 

big brother is watching!

After I read what you said in the email newsletter, from home I decided to visit your jokes page.  Quite frankly, I see little that is lewd and objectionable. Here is what I think is REALLY going on. Some of those jokes are pretty funny and I am sure I could easily waste an afternoon at work reading them. My guess is your site is banned for the simple fact that it is fun and interesting which in corporate-speak is synonymous with "lewd and objectionable".

Censorship rarely works. It just makes people take detours. In one sense, I suppose the powers-that-be have a point - why permit access to a really interesting web site while people are at work?  Don't get your feelings hurt - getting censored is a backhanded compliment that says your website is very distracting!

At any rate, my suggestion is to go ahead and add all the dirty jokes you want. My guess is you could spend months cleaning up your web site and discover you are still banned in boston by most of the censors. Who knows what they are picking up on?  It is probably the jokes, but your pictures, your travel page, your newsletter, even some of your stories... all of them have 'adult content'.  Everywhere I look, I find something that might raise an eyebrow.  For example, in the archive section I found an article on "dance hall sin".  Are you going to remove that too? 

To go through your huge web site and delete everything that might bother someone would end up ruining a fun place to visit.  Don't even bother - leave your web site just as it is.

Just accept that your site will be off-limits to some of your students while they are at work and don't worry about it.  If you want to be cynical, be happy they will be able to concentrate enough to keep their job. This way they can continue to afford dance lessons.

No point in ruining a good thing. Keep up the good work!

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