December Clean
Side Jokes
December
CS 01: Bungee Jumping in
Mexico - Pat Roberts
Two guys are
bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know,
we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Mexico.”
The second
guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy
everything they’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel
to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing
the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people
gather to watch them at work.
The first guy
jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately,
the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again.
This time, he is bruised and
bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again
and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s
got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the
second guy finally catches him this time and says,
”What happened?
Was the cord too long?”
The first guy
says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a ‘pinata’?”
December CS 02: Playboy for Married Men - Gary Richardson
Q. Did you hear
about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?
A. It has the
same pictures month after month after month after month after month...
December
CS 03: The Blonde and the
Ranch - Kerry Pelham
Two sisters, one blonde and one
brunette, have inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a
few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette
balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to
another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she
tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
She drives all night long and the next morning meets with an old cowboy
that will sell her the bull.
"It's the only one I got for $600, take it or leave it."
She argues for a while, but it doesn't do any good. The guy took one
look at her Louisiana license plates and knows he has the bargaining
position. Sensing he made his best offer up front, she is ready to give
in, but thinks twice.
"Sir, $600 is all I got. Leave me a dollar for an emergency phone call."
He nods in understanding, so she pays the $599 to buy the bull.
After paying him, the brunette sister drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the local telegraph office
and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister in Louisiana telling
her that I've bought the bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
I want the telegram to say: 'Have found stud bull for our ranch, bring
the trailer.'"
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S.
are $0.99 per word including tax. That's 10 words, so I need $9.99."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides on another message. "I'd
like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this
telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is my sister.
She is
very blonde and is only
able to read very SLOWLY. When she gets this telegram, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.
December
CS 04: You May be a Redneck if… - Gary Richardson
If
you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
If
you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
If
your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
If
you burn your yard rather than mow it.
If
the Salvation Army declines your mattress.
If
you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
If
you have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
If
you come back from the dump with more than you took.
If
the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
If
your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
If
you go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
If
you know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
If
you have a rag for a gas cap.
If
you've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
If
your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
If
you consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
If
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If there is a
murder and DNA tests indicate practically everyone in the community is a
suspect.
December CS 05:
The Married Man – Judith Walsh, Mike Guillory, and Andre Faust
A married man left for work
early one Friday afternoon. Instead
of going home, however, he squandered
the weekend (and his paycheck) partying
with the boys.
When he finally returned
home on Sunday night, he ran
into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a
couple of hours of nagging and berating, his
wife asked, "How would you like it
if you didn't see me for a couple of
days?!?"
"That would suit me
just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man
didn't see his wife. Tuesday
and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come
Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could
see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
December CS 06:
An Elderly Couple – Andre Faust
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The
woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman turns to her husband and asked, “What did
he say?”
The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did
he say?”
The old man yelled, “He wants to see your
license!” The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I
spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest
woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did
he say?”
The old man yelled, “He thinks he knows you!”
After the old lady got her ticket, she ordered her
husband to drive, then climbed in the back seat. The woman was so mad
she ranted on and on about the stupidity of the cop who had given her
the ticket. The old man did the best he could to ignore her and tried to
watch the scenery as he drove on.
It grew dark. With a grim smile, the old man noted he
was finally able to tune her out. After gaining a semblance of peace, it
was with great annoyance that he noted the same patrolman come up fast
behind him and signal for him to pull over. With a great sigh, he slowed
down and waited for the cop. To his surprise he saw the man dragging his
wife from the patrol car to his car. She was bitching every step of the
way.
“Hey, Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the
car a few miles back??” the officer asked.
“Really?? No kidding!
Hey, thanks for telling me, Officer. For a while I was worried
that I was going deaf too!!”
December CS 07:
The Country Doctor – Angela Dolezal
An old country
doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so
far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.
The mother
pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by
the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of
the baby. "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said.
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."
December CS 08:
The Four Year Old
Daughter – Chris Holmes
One day a guy
was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by
mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said,
"I did that by accident."
She replied,
"I already knew that, daddy."
Raising an
eyebrow, he replied, "How'd you know?"
The girl said,
"Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
December CS 09:
The Hustler and the Golf Pro – Mike Guillory
The old retired man had been taking Golf lessons. He
was making steady progress, but chafed at the constant needling of the
golf pro.
Finally, one day the old man challenged the golf pro
to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the old man,
“since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you
have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a
‘gotcha’ was, but he knew easy money was to be had so he went along
with it. And off they went.
Coming back to
the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf
pro paying the old duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the
members.
“Well,”
said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I
brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and
grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’
Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the
second ‘gotcha’?”
December CS 10:
Kuwaiti Men Treat Their
Women Better – Mike Guillory
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in
Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women
customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Surprised, Ms. Walters approached one of the women for
an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women
here to achieve this impressive reversal of roles?”
Behind the veil, the Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land
mines.”
December CS 11:
Brother John – Mike Guillory
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'. The
Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are
welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct
you to do so."
Brother John
lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to
him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may
now speak
two words."
Brother John
said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm
sorry to hear that," the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a
better bed."
After another
five years, the Chief Priest called Brother John. "You may say
another two words, Brother John."
"Cold
Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the
food would be better in the future.
On his 15th
anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John
into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"Old
Blanket,” said Brother John.
"Brother
John, I think it is probably best that you leave the Monastery. You just
don’t fit in," said the Chief Priest. “You've done nothing but
complain since you got here."
December CS 12:
The GI Learns Manners in England – Pat Roberts
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines
in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.
He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then
caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with
seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On
one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog
sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that
seat?” he asked.
The lady was insulted; “You Americans are so
rude,” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?
He walked through the train once more and still could
not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I
would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.”
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude
you are arrogant.”
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so
tired he finally said. “Lady,
I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a
decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your
dog?”
The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude
and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier completely lost his
temper. He stepped over, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and
sat down. As she watched the young man shaking with anger, the lady was
speechless, but at least had the sense to shut up.
At this, an older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting
across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all
you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know
after watching you, I am starting to believe the old legend that only
the stupid ones sailed to the Colonies. You Americans do a lot of things
wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with
the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window.”
December CS 13:
A Note From Camp – Pat Roberts
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in
case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of
our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got
drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please
call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of
the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps,
it was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it weren’t
for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will
blowup? The wet wood
didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes.
John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if scoutmaster Walt gets
the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked
OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to
expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get
insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it
dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It
gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good
driver. In fact, he is
teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t
any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the
rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and
Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the
canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees
under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster
Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad
about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the
car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it
probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they
got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out
and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get
things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now.
We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t
worry about anything. We
are fine.
Love, Jordie
P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
December CS 14:
A Chance for a Promotion – Patricia Bradshaw
It’s quitting time and on the way out, a young
executive sees the CEO of the company standing in front of a shredder
with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” the CEO says,
“this is a very sensitive and important document, and my
secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?”
“No problem,” says the young executive. This is
his chance to show the boss how smart he is. He turns the machine on,
inserts the paper, and presses “Start.”
“Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappears
inside the machine. “Now I just need one copy.”
December CS 15: The
Cannibals - Daryl Armstrong
Several cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defense company.
"You're all part of our team now," said the boss during the welcoming ceremony. "You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, so please don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returned and said, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"
December CS 16:
Brandi and the Lord – Susan Schroeder
A woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.
She invested all her inheritance and now her business has gone bankrupt.
Brandi is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help. This is unusual for her. Brandi has never
prayed before, but if ever she needed the Lord before, she needs him
now.
Brandi begins to pray... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose
my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes
and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... God, please let me win
the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car
as well." Lotto night
comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you
forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I have never asked you for help before and I have always
been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so
I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the
heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself.
"Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
December CS 17: The Golf Club - Chris Holmes
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
December CS 18:
A Heart-Warming Story – Ralph Volz
Here's one of
those heartwarming stories that takes a minute to read but will stay
with you all day...
Someone
who teaches at middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the
following letter. The
letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored
a luncheon for the elderly.
Dear
Safety Harbor Middle School,
God
bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's
luncheon. I am 84 years old
and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away.
I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking
of me. God bless you for
your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My
roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio.
Before I received one, she would NEVER let me listen to hers,
even when she was napping.
The
other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and
she was in tears. She asked
if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life
is good.
Sincerely, Edna
December CS 19:
Hanky-Panky - Ralph Volz
A man drove his secretary home after she had a little
too much to drink at a party.
Although
nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an
insanely jealous and suspicious woman.
Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car
when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.
While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed
it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked,
“Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
December CS 20: Redneck Vacation - Alyssa Shulman -
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
December CS 21: Cow from Ohio - Chris Holmes
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio.
December CS 22: Farmer Jake - Donna Ruth
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"
December CS 23: The Blonde and the Brunette Team Up - Gary Richardson
The Blonde and the Brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The Brunette smiles and says she will handle it.
So the Brunette leaves the hotel with the Blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The Brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Brunette tells the Blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Brunette and the Blonde return, repay the $5,000
plus the interest, which comes to $15.41.
There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful Blonde, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replies, "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on."
The Brunette replies..... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be
here when we return? You have provided an excellent service for which we
are grateful."
December CS 24: I've Got My Eye on You - Kathleen Bungard
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the
man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have
drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!
He is drawn to praise her. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"Oh heavens no," she replies.........
"You just happened to catch my eye."
December CS 25: Aggie Hunters -
Patty Jones
A couple of Texas Aggie hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other Aggie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend keeled over.
I think he's is dead!
What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
December CS 26: Seven degrees of blondeness - Judith Walsh
ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here and hung up. The husband said, Who was
that The wife said, I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is
clear.
TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, Hmm, this person looks familiar. The second blonde says, Here, let me see!
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror
and says, You dummy, it's me!
THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, No,
honey, don't do it. The blonde replies, Shut up, you're next!
FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says, OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin? The blonde replies, Oh, that's easy W
FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it
mine?
SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. Your
car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK
ma'am? Yes, officer, I'm just fine the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world
did this happen? The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. Officer, it
was the strangest thing! The blonde began. I was driving along this road when
from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right,
and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I
swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there
was another T.... Uh, ma'am, the officer said, cutting her off, There isn't a
tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and
forth.
SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with
his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of
the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for
help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!
December CS 27: Tales
Doctors Can Tell - Hieronymous Anonymous
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they
certainly used to be," the patient said sadly.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked.
He was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
BLUE SIDE JOKES
December BS 01: Happily
Married, But One Problem - Submitted by Mike Gerstenberger and Mike
Guillory
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for 40
yrs. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his
wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for
air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a Doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by
and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her! She took
the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and
gently pulling back the bed covers she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing;
tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got
her own back.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you
were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to
you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out and today it finally happened. You were right all along.
But.....by the grace of God, some Vaseline and these two fingers, I
think I got most of them back in".
December BS 02: Santa Claus -
Rick Archer
Santa and his
reindeer plop down on a roof. Pretty soon, Santa is doing his
chimney thing. As he walks toward the Christmas Tree with
plenty of gifts, a young lady greets Santa wearing only a robe.
She smiles seductively and says, "Oooh, Santa Baby, Can I have a
special present this Christmas?"
Santa looks interested, but replies with a smile, "HO HO HO, GOTTA
SAY NO, JUST TOO MANY PLACES TO GO!"
The young lady drops her robe. As he stares in shock at the
woman's gorgeous body, Santa is visibly aroused.
"HEY HEY HEY, GUESS I'LL STAY. CAN'T GET UP THE CHIMNEY
ANYWAY."
December BS 03: The Lottery -
Kathleen Parker
A woman arrives home, screeches into the driveway, runs in the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, “Honey,
pack your bags! I just won the lottery!”
The husband says, “Oh my God! No shit?! What should I
pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
The wife yells back, “Pack whatever you want. It doesn’t
matter --- just get the fuck out!"
December BS 04: Uncle Ajax -
Ella Forel
Uncle Ajax prided himself
on his memory. He always knew where he put down his glasses, and he
never seemed to forget which box held his old watches and ties.
Nonetheless, one morning he discovered that his expensive new hat
was not on the hatrack by the front door. He couldn’t remember where
he had worn it last, and he hadn’t gone anywhere without it. His
wife didn’t know anything about it, and that lost hat really
aggravated him. He spent days looking for it.
Finally, he accepted the fact that the hat was gone forever,
and—since he was also something of a cheat—he decided that he’d go
to the nearby church on Sunday morning, where there would be a lot
of men showing up in their best clothes—including, of course, fine
hats. He would come in a little late and sit at the back. Then,
during the service, he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack
at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to the church and sat at the back. The sermon was
about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon. The
sermon had apparently really reached him, because, instead of
sneaking out and stealing one of the parishioners’ hats, he stayed
behind as everyone else left the building, and went up to the pulpit
to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister, “Father, I have to admit that I came here
today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing
your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister was visibly pleased, having served in that parish for
20 years without a single member complimenting him on anything he
had ever said. “Bless you, my son,” he burbled. “Was it
when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your
heart?”
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you
started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
December BS 05: The Big Game
Hunter - Kerry Pelham
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone
about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot
and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could
blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its
feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them
what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated
argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to
prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They
blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok". Then
he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle
!!"
The others could not believe it (he was right of course) and the
argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest
that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it
again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against
them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they
brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion". Then
after fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308 !!"
He was right again. This of course was like throwing fat on the
fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, each time
against a round of drinks. Finally, he staggered home, pissed out of
his mind, and he went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw
in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but
not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So I
wonder where did I get this black eye?"
And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course. I socked you and
you deserved it !!"
"But what did I do ?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my
panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud
triumphant tone, “Skunk, killed with an axe".
December BS 06: The Frog
Trainer - Ralph Volz
Pam, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet
store in search of an exotic pet...As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: Oral Sex Frogs Only $20 each! Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).
Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and
whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter “I’ll take
one.”
Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, “Just follow the instructions
carefully. Page me if there’s a problem.” He hands Pam his card.
Pam nods, ‘Okay,’ grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As
soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says
to do...
First she takes a shower. Then she splashes on some nice smelling
perfume. Then she slips into a very sexy nightie. Finally, as
instructed, she crawls into bed, spreads her legs, and puts the frog
down ‘there’.
Nothing happens!
Pam is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She
re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper. It
says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store.” So, Pam calls...
Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, “I’m sorry about the
problem. We had some complaints earlier this week and I think I know
how to fix the problem. I’ll be right over.”
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.
Pam welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according
to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says, “Listen to me! I’m only going
to show you how to do this one more time!”
December BS 07: The Biker
Woman - George Rutherford
Little ol' lady decides she wants to join a biker club, so she goes
and knocks on the door of their headquarters. A big, hairy, tattooed
biker dude opens the door.
"I want to join your club," she says.
The biker, amused, asks, "You got a scoot?"
"Sure do," she says. "That's my Harley out there in the driveway."
Impressed, the biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
She says, "Yep, I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple
of cigars while I'm shootin' pool."
Very impressed, he asks, "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She says, "Well, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."
December BS 08: Little Johnnie
and Susie - John Anderson
Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love.
One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie
decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie
bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied,
"Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In
Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
our stuff in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a
job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so
much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment,
as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how
to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it
seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should
have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr.
Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."
December BS 09: Christmas in Connecticut - Kathleen Parker
It was snowing as George, the mailman, braved the elements to
deliver the day's mail. Mrs. Smith gasped as nearly 50 Christmas
Cards came pouring through the opening. It was just four days till
Christmas. Mrs. Smith could not remember a day when George had
failed to deliver the mail in the 15 years the family had lived
there. She made a note to ask her husband something when he arrived
later.
The next day Mrs. Smith met George at the door in her bathrobe.
Outside were near-blizzard conditions, but Mrs. Smith knew George
would be by. She invited him in, asked him to take his wet coat off,
and then handed him some warm apple cider and some homemade cookies.
Gratefully he stepped in out of the harsh elements. He really
appreciated the chance to warm up a little. He was a little
embarrassed as the icicles that had formed on his mustache started
to melt, but Mrs. Smith handed him a napkin with a smile. After he
finished his snack, Mrs. Smith politely asked George to come
upstairs to help her lift something heavy.
As he entered the bedroom, Mrs. Smith took George's hand and led him
over to the bed. Then she kissed him gently. "George, please do not
say no. This is very important to me." With that she carefully
stepped out of her robe and crawled under the covers.
George wasn't sure he could have said no. Mrs. Smith was a graceful,
beautiful woman. He was totally overcome ! Quickly he undressed and
crawled into the warm bed where Mrs. Smith waited for him under the
covers. It was the kind of experience that only lasts a few fabulous
moments, but you dream about it for the rest of your life.
Later as George put his clothes back on and was ready to leave, Mrs.
Smith handed George a dollar bill. George was puzzled. "What's this
for?" he asked.
Mrs. Smith smiled. "Last night I told my husband what a wonderful
mailman you are and asked him what we could get you for a Christmas
present. If I remember correctly, his exact words were, 'Ah, fuck
the mailman. Give him a cookie and a dollar.' Merry Christmas,
George, you are a wonderful man!"
December BS 10: Working the
System - Chris Holmes
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor
asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple
finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse,” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s
married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to
my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We
can do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare. Plus
Marilyn gets turned on when people watch.”
December BS 11: Sugar is
sweet - Doreen Bryan
This is a great
example of "did I say that out loud???"
This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in
sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste
sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The
poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what
she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her
books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It
doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the
tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good
day."
December BS 12: Tequila Wish! -
Doreen Bryan
Pancho is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
Genie. Pancho is stunned.
The Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything
you want."
Pancho begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make
me piss tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish. When he gets home he gets a glass out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's
clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like
tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever
tasted.
Pancho yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She
comes running down the hall and he takes another glass out of the
cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink because it is
tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all
night.
The next night Pancho comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two
glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the
couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and Pancho comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on
the table. Pancho begins to piss in the glass.
When he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only
one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my
love, you drink from the bottle!!!
December BS 13: Outhouse - Gary
Richardson
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the
kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that
there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw."
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there
ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.
"Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the
problem!"
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and
he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here
outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
December BS 14: The Inexpensive
Drug Plan - Pat Roberts
Beset by financial
problems, Mr. Smith switched to the least expensive medical coverage
he could find.
Soon after Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his
wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit
of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent
as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly,
it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Under a normal drug plan, yes. But Medicheap won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Medicheap recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of
town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
December BS 15: Learning Life's
Lessons - Gary Richardson
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm,
his mother asked if he had done his chores.
"Not yet", said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast
until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows,
and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
Mother watches with a frown.
He goes in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are
you going to tell him, or should I?"
December BS 16: Doctor visit -
Leroy Ginzel
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor
told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a
week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that
his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband said, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on
Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
December BS 17: The Wife of the
Boss - Eric May
Bill, the new guy at the company, made his way to the annual
Christmas Party figuring it was a way for him to meet a bunch of new
people. While there, he was approached by a very lovely and
attractive woman who insistently kept flirting with him. She
insisted he come by her house one day during lunch for an afternoon
of pleasure. It would only cost him $100 for the afternoon and she
promised to make it worth his while. He was really surprised at how
this woman could work her charm. She must be a pro. He later found
out that this was his new boss' wife! Not knowing what to do, he
decided to forget about the entire thing and just go about his
business.
Some time later on, he shows up at her house with the money and they
spend a wild afternoon together.
When her husband got home that evening, he asked her if Bill had
stopped by the house. Caught off guard and figuring that she had
been found out, she said, "Yes dear, he did. Why?"
Boss: "Did he give you $100?"
Wife (now sure she had been caught): "Yes he did. Why are you asking
me this?"
Boss: "Bill quit today and said he had an emergency to take care of
and that he needed to borrow $100. He promised to stop by the house
on his way out of town and give you the money. I was just wondering
if he did."
December BS 18: Wave the Towel
- Ralph Volz
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very
much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it
doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back
to the rabbi.
"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once
again, they follow the rabbi's advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife
soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly, "You Putz, learn something from the old guy! Now
THAT'S the way you're supposed to wave a towel!"
December BS 19: Buttercups - Pat Roberts -
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his
ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow
buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared.
She said "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of
fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your
life!"
Then POOF! she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred.
"Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy
willows."
Harry yells back...."DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T
SWING!!!"
December BS 20: Reverend Fuzz
and the Sinner - Doreen Bryan
The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a
little Pennsylvania town.
One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his
congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend
thought this was sinful and not something a member of his
congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar
and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for
a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. "I'd love to go
home with you. You're such a cutie."
"I don't mean my home," he stammered. "We have to get you out of
here now."
With that he attempted to get Mrs. Fitzgerald on her feet. When Mrs.
Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she had had too much to drink grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and
tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the
reverend wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked
up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Hey, look here buddy,
we won't have any of that carrying around in this bar!"
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender looked surprised, then said, "Hell then, if you're
that far in, you might as well finish it up."
December BS 21: Skippy - Judith
Walsh
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is
to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is
beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to the combination of
her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's
father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing right down at
her feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" A big smile came across her
face. What luck!!
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Skippy,
move!"
Once again the woman smiled at her fortune.
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time
she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a
train whistle blowing.
For the third time, the father looked at the dog with disgust, but
this time he yelled, "Dammit, Skippy, get away from her before she
shits on you!"
December BS 22: Hurricanes -
Judith Walsh
How are women like hurricanes?
They come in wet and wild, and leave with your house and car.
December BS 23: The Lame Excuse
- Gary Richardson
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they fell asleep, wakening round 8:00 pm. As the man threw on
his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and
didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
December BS 24: The Wild
Florida Retirement Scene - Judy Walsh
Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, had decided it was time to
stop mourning, pack her bags and get on with her life. She had just
begun to settle in at her new Golden Years retirement home at Cocoa
Beach, Florida. She hadn't found anyone just yet that she
"connected with" and was feeling kinda blue. One morning she was
going nuts watching all the "old people" sitting around and playing
bingo.
Finally she couldn't take it any more so she grabbed a beach towel
and walked four blocks to the nearby beach. She rented a beach chair
and an umbrella. She found a pleasant spot and began to read her
racy bodice-ripper novel about the ship's captain and the sultry
slave girl he had rescued from the pirates. Sarah enjoyed reading a
particularly well-written love scene.
When the chapter ended, she looked up and noticed that a man about
her age had placed his blanket on the sand nearby and was also
reading a book. By chance there was absolutely no one else around.
Smiling, Sarah attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded as he looked up from his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied. To her
disappointment, his eyes again turned back to his book.
Undaunted she decided to continue. "Do you live around here?" she
asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree Village," he answered, and then resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you
like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, walked over, pulled Sarah
onto his blanket, tore off her swimsuits and gave her the most
passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the
man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
