May Clean Side Jokes

May CS 01: Frog Golf
Submitted by Sylvia Key

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a hunter's trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That will be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. 
The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world-an Adonis. Women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! 
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you." 
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! 
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack..."


May CS 02: Hunting Season 
Submitted by Jill Banta

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying :
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK !"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, frowns, then asks him what he does for a living. Looking the bartender straight in the eye like a real man would, he replies, "I drive a truck. You got a problem with that ?"
The bartender says the driver smells kind of nerdy. The truck driver starts to understand and says, "Calm down, buddy, that smell is from a bunch of computers I'm hauling. I don't like it either."
The bartender looks him over a little longer, then says, "OK, you're no Nerd. Besides truck drivers can't always choose what they have to carry. Here's your beer." 
As the driver sips his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with 12 kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. In a whiny, nasal voice, he asks, "May I plug in to your wall to recharge my Laptop ?" 
Without a single word, the bartender pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. Shocked, the truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender says, "Don't worry, there are Nerds everywhere. They are over-populating Silicon Valley and there simply are not enough geek jobs for all of them. Plus they are unable to get real jobs. They will starve if something isn't done. Nerds are in season now and the good thing is you don't even need a license to shoot one."
Nodding with agreement, the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident. The load shifts and the back door breaks open. Now the truck's computers and accessories spill out all over the freeway. Cars screech to a halt everywhere and hundreds of people come running up. A little shaken, the driver slowly climbs out. He is stunned to see a frenzied mob surrounding the truck grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. They are literally foaming at the mouth grabbing monitors, modems, terminals, keyboards, chips, hard drives… anything they can get their hands on !
He can't let them steal his whole load ! Remembering what happened at the bar, the driver pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up. He jumps out of the car screaming at the driver to stop.
The truck driver says in exasperation, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season. Look at them ! They are all over the damn place !"
"Well, sure they are," answers the patrolman, "But that doesn't mean you can bait them !"


May CS 03: The Job Application
Submitted by Mickey Hammond

This is an actual Job Application someone Submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment. 
The amazing thing is they hired him! 
NAME: Greg Bullmash 
DESIRED POSTITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 
EDUCATION: Yes. 
LAST POSTION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 
SALARY: Less than I am worth. 
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. 
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they are better suited to a more intimate environment. 
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? 
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. 
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. 
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. 


May CS 04: Where Has All the Lipstick Gone ? 
Submitted by Jill Banta 

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. 
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. First she explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
Then the principal thought it might be helpful if the girls saw how much work it took to clean the mirrors. To demonstrate, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, then swabbed it on the mirror. After making sure that no corner was left untouched, he carefully dried off the mirror. The girls seemed quietly impressed. 
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 


May CS 05: Dearest John
Submitted by Patty Jones

John receives a phone call. 
"Hello," he answers. 
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." 
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" 
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." 
John: "Oh, yeah ! Susan ! How are you?" 
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." 
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport.


May CS 06: Final Exam
Submitted by Gary Richardson

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at State U. As the professor passed out the exams, he frowned to himself. 800 students in the class! This was ridiculous. It wasn't teaching, it was day care for overgrown babies. Like many such freshman courses at big places, the hidden purpose of this test was to weed out the stupidest of the bunch and save some taxpayer money. Some of these people would have trouble passing an ebonics test, much less the language of William Shakespeare. The professor truly hated teaching this course.
The examination was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict. He told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this and I will not accept it late," the professor said sternly as he handed the student a booklet.
"Maybe not, but it's worth a try," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing furiously.
When the two hours was up, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All, he noted, except the late student, who continued writing. Amused, the professor began grading the tests until his next class came in. Everyone wanted an exception. But not this time... next year this kid would be wasting daddy's money going to a community college. One Big Fat "F" as in "Failure" coming up. 
20 minutes later, the last student came up to the professor who sat at his desk grading away. With a weak apology for being late, he attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
The professor looked up and said sharply, "Oh no you don't, I'm not going to accept that. I specifically said I would not accept a late exam. Hit the road, young man."
The student looked incredulous. "You mean you won't take my exam ?"
"In a word, no"
The student took a step back and eyed the professor. "You don't know who I am, do you?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. 
"You are talking to me like this and you have no idea who I am ?" the student asked again.
"No, and furthermore I don't care," replied the professor looking back at his papers. "Now get the hell outta here and stop wasting my time."
"Hasta la Vista, Prof Baby" replied the student, who quickly grabbed the stack of completed exams, stuffed his own in the middle, and ran out of the room. As he reached the door he threw the entire stack of 800 in the air and never looked back.


May CS 07: The Burglary
Submitted by John Hall

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head. He must have been imagining things. Maybe his conscience was catching up with him, he thought. The burglar promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Doberman, Jesus..."


May CS 08: Minnesota
Submitted by Jill Banta

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The produce boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted that he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. 
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head off lettuce." Just as he was finished saying this he turned around to find the pushy man standing right behind him, so he added quickly, "and this nice gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager suppressed a grin and okayed the deal. Eyebrows furrowed, the man grabbed the half head of lettuce and went on his way. 
Later the manager called the boy in and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You may have a smart mouth, but you think on your feet and I like that around here. Where are you from, young man ?" 
The boy replied, "Up north, Minnesota, sir." 
"Oh really ? Texas is quite a ways from there. Why did you leave Minnesota ?" asked the manager. 
The boy replied, "They're all just a bunch of ice-brain idiots and hockey players up there."
"Oh, that's interesting," replied the manager with an odd smile, "Did you know my wife is from Minnesota ?"
The boy replied, "No kidding! And what team did she play for ?"


May CS 09: Grandpa's Got a Brand New Bag !
Submitted by Kerry Pelham

A 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "Well, Doc, I've never been better!" he replies. "and do I have some news for you ! I've been sowing my wild oats again ! This cute 18 year old from down the block told me she thought I was sexy... Can you believe I did some foolin' around and got her pregnant ! Imagine ! And then we got hitched ! Pretty soon I am going to be changing diapers again. What do you think about that ?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, frowns, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. 'BAM' The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
"Exactly," said the Doctor.


May CS 10: The Milk Bath
Submitted by Mary Collins and Rick Archer

The Blonde began with a Plan. Lately she had received some interesting advice from her girlfriend Sally. Among other things, it seems Sally had heard a series of milk baths made people much smarter. Now this suggestion made a lot of sense so the blonde left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk the next morning. 
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. 15 gallons was a lot of milk ! He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons. On the chance that she might be home, the milkman knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door.
The milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons ?" 
The blonde smiled and said, "Oh, I definitely want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." 
Taken slightly aback, the milkman said, "Pasteurized or non-Pasteurized?" 
The blonde said, "Oh no, just up to my boobs will be fine." 
Later in the day the blonde finished her marvelous milk bath. Feeling refreshed and definitely much smarter, the blonde was ready for Phase Two of the Plan. So the blonde went out to buy a computer, selecting one that came with instant delivery, installment, and a Help Line. 
After the serviceman left, the blonde couldn't wait to turn it on. Twenty minutes later after hitting every button in sight and nearly destroying her mouse and her keyboard, the blonde decided to call the computer store for some help. Turning red with embarrassment, the blonde disguised her voice so no one at the store would know it was her. 
"Hello, Is this the Computer Help Line ?" she whispered, "Exactly what button do you push to get the computer to perform sexual favors ?"
Flustered, the help person answered, "What on earth do you mean ?"
"Well, my girl friend told me her computer goes down on her all the time and drives her crazy !" 


May CS 11: Mirror, Mirror
Submitted by Russell Rice

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* one is instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room, stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive!"
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in, stands before the mirror and says, "I think..."
*POOF*


May CS 12: The Blonde and the Truck Driver
Submitted by Mickey Hammond

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. Losing control to avoid hitting her, he sideswiped a concrete barrier and scraped raw the entire right side of his cab. Angrily, he speeded up, got in front of her car and forced her to pull over. 
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE !!". 
He then went to her car and kicked in one side of her car evening the score. 
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny ? Watch this." He is getting really mad. 
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is more than angry now. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. 
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. Now he takes the knife to her leather seats and rips them to shreds. She is still laughing ! Now the truck driver goes Vesuvius.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. 
Exasperated, the truck driver can't think of anything else to do to her car. "What is so damn funny, lady ?" the truck driver asked the blonde. 
She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times !"


May CS 13: The Producer
Submitted by Mickey Hammond

A film producer parks his brand new Porsche, and just as he swings the door open to get out, a truck speeds by and completely tears it off. The producer, ready to kill, grabs his cell phone, dials his assistant and tells her to dial 911 immediately! 
Soon a cop pulls up, but before he can begin to speak the producer starts screaming hysterically - his car, a work of art, which he just picked up, is completely ruined, will never be the same, is reduced to junk, he can't drive around in a piece of junk, does the cop have any idea who he is - and then the producer proceeds to list his credits, exaggerating the grosses a little. 
The cop calmly listens until the producer runs out of steam, then shaking his head says, "I can't believe how materialistic you movie people are. You're all so focused on your precious possessions that you notice nothing else." 
"How can you say such a thing, you ignorant public servant ?" fires back the insulted producer. 
The cop replies, "Did you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?"
"Oh Shit!!!!!" screams the producer. "My Rolex !!" 


May CS 14: The Blonde and the Wild Horse 
Submitted by Carol Nelson and Susan Schroeder

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted. Taking pride in her first move, she is startled when the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. 

In terror she grabs the horses mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arm around the horses neck but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. 

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when, to her great fortune, the Wal-Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Fortunately the concussion has made no discernible difference.


May CS 15: Men are not from Venus
Submitted by Mary Collins

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman flashes her lights, then leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" 
The man immediately leans out his window and replies: "BITCH!!" 
They each continue on their way. As the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into an enormous pig standing in the middle of the road.


May CS 16: Cool Under Pressure
Submitted by Carole Nelson

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am ?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please ?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

May CS 17: Pet Fish
submitted by Marion Sarmiento

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked. 

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" 

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "You don't believe me. Come on, I'll show you. You are going to be surprised. It really works."

"Okay, let's go. I've GOT to see this!" Despite his gut feeling this was nonsense, the game warden admitted to himself he was curious.

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. 

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.

May CS 18: Dilbert Awards for Excessive Corporate Stupidity
Submitted by Joseph Stuteville

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." 
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining andManufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." 
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11 . We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. 
The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)


May CS 18: Redneck Haikus 
Submitted by Pat Roberts

BEAUTY 
Naked in repose 
Silvery silhouette girls 
Adorn my mudflaps 

REMORSE 
A painful sadness 
Can't fit big screen TV through 
Double-wide's front door 

OPTIONS 
Unemployment's out. 
Hey, maybe I can get on 
Disability 

BLAZE 
Distant siren screams 
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with 
Gasoline again 

A NEW MOON 
Flashlights pierce darkness 
No nightcrawlers to be found 
Guess we'll gig some frogs 

ALONE 
Seeking solitude 
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for 
Restraining order 

DESIRE 
Damn, in that tube-top 
You make me almost forget 
That you are my cousin 

HATRED 
I curse the rainbow 
Emblazoned upon his hood 
God damn Jeff Gordon 

OFFERINGS 
Tonight we hunger 
Grandma sent grocery money 
To Jimmy Swaggert 

TRAGEDY 
Set VCR 
TNN Dukes of Hazzard Marathon 
Lightning kill power 

DEPRIVED 
In WalMart toy aisle 
Wailing boy wants wressling doll 
Mama whups his ass 

NO SIGNAL 
White noise, buzzing static 
Call Earl; satellite dish 
needs new descrambler 

IMPOUNDED 
Sixty-five dollars 
And cyclone fence keeps me from 
My El Camino 

GATHERING 
In early morning mist 
Mama searches Circle K for 
Moon Pies and Red Man 

PRIDE 
Grinning, he displays 
The nine hundred beer cans 
Filling pickup bed 


May CS 19: The Cannibals
submitted by Chris Holmes

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were ship wrecked. After days of floating in the sea in total misery, they had nearly given up all hope of being rescued. 

As the sun came up on the third day, they joyously noted an island. Paddling as a team, they were able to guide their driftwood in the direction of the island. Once they reached safety, they screamed with joy, then passed out from exhaustion right there on the sand. 

When they awoke, there was a fire going and savage warriors were engaged in a war dance around them. Bewildered, the three men stared in frightened silence. Then an old man came up who spoke some French. 

He explained that they had landed on an island populated by Cannibals. Before eating the men, however, they needed their skins to help make new canoes. The old man explained that the Cannibals believed each man should die with dignity before being skinned and eaten. The Frenchman grimly explained to the New Yorker and the Englishman what he had been told. Both men nodded; they had expected this was the case.

With that, the Cannibal Chief handed the Frenchman a sharp knife. The Frenchman decided to go quickly. He shouted, "Viva la France!!", stabbed himself in the heart, and died instantly. 

The Englishman agreed this was the best of a bad situation. He picked up the knife, screamed "God Save the Queen!!", stabbed himself in the heart, and died. 

Now the New Yorker picked up the knife. Before anyone could stop him, he stabbed himself lightly in the back, the belly, the legs, his arms, his ribs, his butt, and his chest. Blood was everywhere. The cannibals were stunned with confusion. 

Then the New Yorker raised the knife for a death plunge. Just before he killed himself, he screamed, "I ain't gonna be no fucking canoe!! I ain't gonna be no fucking canoe!!"


May CS 20: Bill and the Professional
Submitted by Hieronymous Anonymous

Bill Clinton is at a super-expensive hotel for some Democratic fund-raising. The security is somewhat relaxed since the ex-president has requested the Secret Service allow him a more "normal" life. 

The doors to the elevator open and a stunning woman enters. The two agents point their metal detectors at her and she passes scrutiny. Clinton is immediately aroused. He beckons to the agents to move away. 

Clinton begins the spiel. "Do you know who I am?"

"You look familiar." 

"I am Bill Clinton, the sexiest president of all time." 

"Why, yes, I have heard a lot of interesting tales about you from some of my clients. I hear you know a thing or two about satisfying a woman."

Now Clinton is even more aroused. "What would it take to get you to come back to my room with me?"

"Well, Bill, you need to understand that I am a professional."

Clinton is stunned. This woman is a heck of a lot classier than most of the well-heeled wives of his contributors he has chased in the past. He is willing to pay the price. "What do you charge?" he asks. She whispers a number.

Clinton lets out a low whistle. "Geez, we could retire the National Debt for that amount!! Do you give discounts for ex-presidents?? Now that I don't have any pardons to sell, my salary is a bit tapped out…"

"Bill, everyone knows how indiscrete you are. If I lowered my rate even for a cutie-pie like you, I have no doubt the word would be out quickly."

Clinton is beside himself with frustrated desire. Before he can think of another angle, the door opens and the woman gets off. She blows him a kiss, then vanishes. Clinton moans with disappointment.

The next day Clinton is joined by his wife, the Senator from New York. As they ride the elevator down to breakfast, it stops at the same floor where the mystery woman got off the day before. Clinton's knees grow weak as the scarlet woman appears as the door opens and steps in. With a smile, she greets the President and offers a nod to the secret service agents. They relax as they recognize her. Both Hillary and the woman eye each other frostily. 

The woman moves next to Clinton. When no one is looking, she whispers, "Bill, I am so glad you were able to find a woman closer to your price range!"


May CS 21: Union Workers
submitted by Mary Tu

A dedicated UPS union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?" 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The house gets $80, and the girls get $20." 

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. 

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." 

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." 

"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." 

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


May CS 22: The Blonde in the First-Class Section
Submitted by Gary Richardson

A plane is on its way on a non-stop flight from Los Angeles to New York when a blonde in coach gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The stewardess watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for coach and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" 

The stewardess goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blond bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in coach and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for coach, she will have to leave first class and return to her seat in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!" 

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. 

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak blonde!" 

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the coach section. The stewardess and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. 

"I told her first class wasn't going to New York.


May CS 23: The Speeding Ticket
Submitted by Leo Skiba 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are you?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." 

May CS 24: The Southern Ladies
submitted by Kathleen Parker

Two Southern ladies, delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas), were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." 
The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice!!" 
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." 
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice!!" The first woman boasted "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." 
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice!!" 
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" 
The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school." 
"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?" 
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a shit,' I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?" 

May CS 25: Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:
Submitted by Mike Guillory 

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out.
You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward
people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."


May CS 26: The Hanging Gorilla Problem
Submitted by Jerald Anthony

A long, long, time ago, way back in the days before cable, a man was sitting at home watching TV when his reception went all screwy. That's the technical term for wavy lines and a lot of static. He gets up and goes outside to take a look at his antenna (I said it was before cable) and what does he see? Hey! I'm telling the story here! He sees a HUGE, 500 pound Gorilla swinging around on his antenna. Well, what do you do with a 500 pound Gorilla that's swinging on your antenna? I don't know and neither did he. So, not knowing what to do he goes back inside and gets out the "Yellow Pages"tm. I said it was before cable you think they could just look things up on the internet then? Any way he gets out the "Yellow Pages"tm and opens it up to the Animal Control section and there on the very first page he looks at is a full page ad for Gorilla Catchers, Inc. Not only that but their office is just a few block away. So he calls them up and tells them his problem and they say they'll send over their best man right away. In next to no time the man gets a knock on the door and there's Doug the Gorilla Catcher. The man knew his name was Doug because that's what it said over the pocket of his Official Gorilla Catcher's Uniform.
The man and Doug go out back and take a look and Doug says,
"Yup, you've got a classic case of Gorilla Antenna. This is
going to take a few special tools. I'll be right back." Doug goes out to his truck and a few minutes later comes back with a ladder, a rope, a baseball bat, a gun, and the biggest, meanest, most vicious looking, dog you have ever seen.
The man beginning to get concerned asks, "I know you're a professional and all but, what's all that stuff for? I can guess about the ladder and maybe the rope but what about the other stuff? That IS a pretty mean looking dog."
Doug just looks at him and says, "This here is the most efficient way to catch gorillas ever invented. You see I use the ladder to climb up to the roof. Then I sneak up behind the gorilla and take this bat and WHAM! I pop him a good one right in the back of the head. Now gorillas are tough especially the backs of their heads so it doesn't really hurt him it just kind of stuns him a bit and makes him lose his grip on your antenna, so he'll fall off the roof. Then this here specially trained gorilla catching dog as soon a he hits the ground, will run over, grab him by the "privates" and shake 'em 'til he passes out. Then I tie him up and load him in the truck and take him to the zoo."
The man says, "Well that explains the ladder, the rope, the bat and the dog but what a bout the gun? What's it for?"
"Well, the gun's for you. You see, if for any reason I happen to fall off of that roof, I want you to shoot that dang dog before I hit the ground."


May CS 27: Systems of Government
Submitted by Pat Roberts

Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms. 

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. 

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. 

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. 

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. 

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. 

CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. 

DEMOCRATIC: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.


May CS 28: The Cross-Examination
Submitted by Samantha Archer

Dad - "Son, come in here, we need to talk." 
Son - "What's up, Dad?"
Dad - "There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?"
Son - "I don't believe, if I understand the definition of a 'scratch the car, that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car." 
Dad - "Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?"
Son - "Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it."
Dad - "But your sister, Jessica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?"
Son - "Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car."
Dad - "Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?"
Son - "Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent."
Dad- "So you are saying that you did hit the mailbox?"
Son - "No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car."
Dad - "But the car did hit the mailbox and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?"
Son - "Well yes, I suppose you could look at it that way."
Dad - "So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?"
Son - "No! No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car...the mailbox did...I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information."
Dad - "Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?"
Son - "From the President of the United States."

May CS 29: Revenge
Submitted by Joseph Stuteville

A soldier serving overseas, far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asked for her photograph back. 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying...

"Regret cannot remember which one is you--please keep your photograph and return the others."

 

BLUE SIDE JOKES
 

May Blue Side Jokes

May BS 01: Joining the Church -Kerry Pelham

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, 

"No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"Yes, We know, said the young man, "We're not welcome at Krogers any more either."


May BS 02: Getting on a Crowded Bus - Sylvia Tucker

In the big city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in an ultra-tight leather skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she groaned as she noticed the bus was so crowded there were only a few places left to stand. Her frustration grew when she realized her skirt was so tight she couldn't even lift her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. 

As people pressed behind her waiting to get on themselves, she realized if she left her spot she would have to wait for the next bus. She only had one hand free as she carried packages in the other. Nervous and embarrassed, with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her back and fumbled for the zipper. Where was the damn thing ! Finally she found it and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again found the offending zipper and gave it the strongest tug she could manage under the circumstances. Still, no luck. Was she ever stuck! 

About this time the big Texan directly behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the bus. Rather than be grateful, instead she went ballistic!

She turned on the would-be do-gooder and screeched at him, "How dare you touch my body!!  I don't even know who you are!!" 

At this the Texan drawled,  "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you tried to unzip my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."


May BS 03: Frank and the Bear - Carole Nelson

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived again, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered.
Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said: "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" 


May BS 04: Martha and Agnes - Debbie Awad

Two old ladies, Martha and Agnes, were sitting on a bench in the park.
Agnes turns to Martha and asks her, "Martha, do you still get horny?"

Martha replies, "Sure."

"Well, what do you do about it?'

"I suck on a lifesaver."

Agnes thinks about this for a moment, then asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


May BS 05: Firming Up - Mickey Hammond

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt, and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." 

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and decided to say nothing. Nevertheless the irritation stayed with her throughout the day. 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." 

This crossed the line. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!" 


May BS 06: Death Wish - Richard Bevis

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation and he is found guilty.

'You have been sentenced to death,' said the Chief, 'but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.'

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, 'Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.'
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. 20 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...

'Second wish,' said the Chief.

'I'll need my horse again,' said the cowboy.

'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. 30 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...

'This is your last wish,' said the Chief, 'so make it a good one. Maybe if you had spent a little more time making love instead of war, you wouldn't be in this position in the first place.'

'I'll need my horse again,' the cowboy grimaced.

'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.

This time the cowboy grabbed the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's nose, staring him right in the eyes to get his attention. 'This time, you stupid horse, listen to me !' the cowboy hissed through teeth clenched in anger.

'I said, Posse, goddamnit! POSSE... P-O-S-S-E!!!'


May BS 07: Psychology Student - Suzy Kish

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" 
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

Frowning, he thinks for a moment, then responds, at the top of his lungs, "What makes you think you are worth $200, Slut?"


May BS 08: The Drunk - Mary Collins and Kerry Pelham

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


May BS 09: Mother Knows Best - Kathleen Parker

The teacher noticed that one of her students at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. 
He was quite embarrassed. After much prodding he whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He left to phone and a little bit later he returned to the classroom where he sat down in his seat. Soon there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "Oh, for heavens sake, I thought I told you to call your mom! " she screamed. 

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could just stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school...."


May BS 10: Two Cajuns on De Bus to New Orleans - Tracy King

A rather prim and proper woman named Winifred is riding the Greyhound bus from Shreveport to New Orleans. It's been a long trip, the bus is hot, and she can't wait to get off. 

In Baton Rouge, the bus stops to pick up more passengers. She knows something isn't right when two disheveled, unshaven Cajuns throw a couple beers in the trash, then get on the bus already arguing about something likely to be stupid. The woman feels a shudder, which turns to alarm when they sit down right behind her. Her worst fears are confirmed when the Cajuns refuse to shut up.

Cajun #1: "Naw, naw, naw! Damn, Tommy, How many time I gotta tell ya! First, Emma cums...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin..."

Cajun #2: "Now, Frenchie, That ain't how yew said it the first time ! Yew ain't got your story right the same way twice! Now yew start agin."

Well, Miss Prim & Proper starts to do the crawfish boil. "Oh, my God ! What have I done to deserve this?" Miss Winifred as she is known tries to tune them out, but it's worse than rap music turned up loud on a boom box as far she is concerned. Over and over...are these guys ever going to stop? Apparently not.

Cajun Frenchie: "Now lissen, Yew Igit, shad-up and lemme splain! First, Emma cums... din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums agin..."

Cajun Tommy: "And din what?"

Cajun Frenchie: "Din I cums agin gist lak I said..."

Winifred just can't take it anymore! This is so disgusting! She turns around in her seat to set the Cajuns straight. "Gentlemen, would you please refrain from discussing your personal matters in public! I must ask that you stop this foul conversation immediately!"

Cajun Tommy: "Fowl conversation? Lady, what's your problem? We ain't tawkin 'bout no birds."

Cajun Frenchie: "Lady, yew better gist mind yer own bidness. We ain't doin' nuttin' to bother yew."
Then he turns to Tommy and says, "Ferget her, Tee, and lissen. We need to get dis right so I can put it in my letter. I know this is it...now Emma cums first...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums agin...din here I cums agin...din da peepee cums...din I cums one mo time!"

Winifred: "Will you please be quiet?! I have listened to this same awful talk five times! It is so disgusting!"

Frenchie: "Alright, Smart Lady, how do YEW spell "Mississippi"?"


May BS 11: Dirt and Friends - Jill Banta

Dirt died in a Nudie-Bar fire and was burnt up pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Bert and Buck, were sent for. Buck went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. 

Buck said, "Wow ! he's burnt pretty bad. But I can't tell. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Buck pulled the sheet down further, looked at his butt, then said "Nope, it definitely ain't Dirt." 

The mortician thought that was rather strange, but called Bert in for another opinion. Bert took a look at him and said "I sure can't tell by looking at his face. He's burnt real bad. Roll him over." 
The mortician rolled him over. Just like Buck, Bert pulled down the sheet and stared at the dead man's butt. He shook his head. "Nope, it ain't Dirt." 

The mortician asked "How can you tell?," as Buck re-entered the room. Bert said "Well, everyone in town knew Dirt had two assholes." Buck nodded his head in agreement. 

"What? How can anybody have two assholes?" said the mortician. "Did you ever look at the two assholes?"

"Hell no, we didn't stare at Dirt's assholes, but every time the three of us went to the Titty Bar, folks would say, "There's Dirt with the two assholes!"


May BS 12: The Hippie and the Nun - Hieronymous Anonymous

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun is startled by the question. As best she can, she replies, "Most Certainly Not ! Shame on you, young man !" Then she gets off the bus at the next stop. 

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "Why did you proposition that nun?"

"Ah, man, everyone knows the church is a crock of shit. I bet you half those nuns fool around. Besides, I thought she was hot."

The bus driver smiles and says, "I think you may be right. I think I know a way how you can get that nun to have sex with you". 

The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "I bet if you went dressed in a robe and put on a glow-in-the-dark paint mask, she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you". 

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he dresses up, goes to the cemetery, and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up. After letting her pray for a while, the hippie decides he just can't wait any longer! 

He jumps out from hiding and says. "I AM THE ALMIGHTY! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT FIRST... ONLY I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! TO PROVE THE SPIRIT IS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE FLESH, YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH ME!" 

The nun reluctantly agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. She reminds God of her vows to the church. The hippie frowns a little and argues, but finally agrees to this and has his way with the nun. 

After the hippie finishes he stands up and loses whatever is left of his mind. In triumph, he rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha, Ha Ha, you religious idiot! I am the hippie!!" 

Then the nun jumps up, rips off her veil, and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha, you drug-fried idiot! I am the bus driver!!" 


May BS 13: Smart Mouth - Richard Bevis

The Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". 

"I guess I was just really into it, you know ?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!?  Damn... is it midnight already ?"


May BS 14: What's It Called Again? - Carole Nelson

It is 1960. Johnny comes to pick Jane up for a date. Her father answers the door and invites him in.

"Sit down, young man...Jane isn't quite ready," her Father says. "Tell me what do you plan to do tonight, Johnny?" 

"Well, sir, I thought we'd go to a movie or maybe dancing. I was sort of going to let Jane decide."

"Well, I know Jane loves to screw. She absolutely loves it."

Johnny could hardly believe his ears!! He began to revise his plans. Jane came bouncing down the stairs in her poodle skirt, and said goodnight to her Father. A breathless Johnny escorted her to his car.

A few minutes later a disheveled Jane came thru the door, slamming it shut. "For heaven's sake, Daddy! You never pay attention to what I am saying!  Get it straight: for the last time, that dance is called The Twist!! 


May BS 15: The Knob - Susan Schroeder

There's this middle aged lady who goes to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options are concerning her rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift," he says, "or we can use a new high-tech procedure called 'the Knob.'"

"What's 'the Knob', doctor?", she asks. 

He replies, "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and whenever you start to notice any new wrinkles and sagging, just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin will be nice and tight again."

"Oh, YES, doctor! That is what I would like to have", she says excitedly.

The operation is a complete success and she looks 15 years younger. As time passes, whenever she notices any new sagging, she simply tightens the knob and VOILA! Her face is again beautiful. She loves the Knob and uses it frequently.

One night about 8 years later she notices more sagging than usual, so she does an "ultra Knob" before going to bed. The next morning she wakes up and sees two enormous bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she calls her doctor and reports the bags.

"Come down to my office right away and let me check it out!" the doctor says.

After examining her, he says, "You've been tightening the knob WAY too much!! Those bags under your eyes are your breasts."

The lady says, "Well! I guess that explains the goatee too!"


May BS 16: The Minister and the Choir Director - Tracy King

A Fundamentalist Baptist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church.

To his surprise and joy, she readily accepted his offer. "Where should we do it, Reverend?" she enthusiastically replied.

"Right here on the floor!" he panted.

"It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?"

"Good Lord, woman!! Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing!!"


May BS 17: The Priest and the Parrots - Carole Nelson

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


May BS 18: Three Generations of Hookers - Michael Guillory

Three generations of hookers are sitting around talking when the daughter says, "you know I got really pissed off today when a guy only gave me $50 for giving him a blowjob." 

The mother says "$50? Back in the 1950's we were happy to get $20"

And the grandmother says "Twenty dollars? Ha! Back in the 1930s we were just happy to have something warm in our stomachs."


May BS 19: Learning to Speak Japanese for Business Purposes - Mike Guillory

A Texas businessman is in town to meet with a large Japanese corporation. The meeting is set for a golf course the next day, so that night, the Texan decides to get some entertainment in the form of a hooker. Considering his meeting, he selects a Japanese hooker.

While they are having sex, she keeps screaming, "Ding Wa! Ding Wa!" Thinking that this must mean "great" or "awesome," he prepares to use it to impress his business associates.

So the next day, while golfing, one of the Japanese men tees it up and gets a hole in one! 

The Texan looks at him and says, "Ding Wa! Ding Wa!"

The Japanese man looks up curiously and asks, "What do you mean 'wrong hole?'"


May BS 20: Sadie in Mourning - Chris Holmes

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." 

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. 

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" 

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night, the same scenario.  She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" 

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Why Nothing Ever Gets Done in This Country  (thank you, Gareld McEathron!)

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me. Me, I'm working hard publishing these jokes.  What about you?

There you are sitting on your butt, staring at your computer, reading these stupid jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

Get back to work, Slacker, before your business catches you and bans my web site.

A Note From Rick Archer Concerning Naughty Jokes

For the first eight years of the SSQQ web site, I kept the "naughty jokes" at a secret location here on the web site.  Then in 2006 we discovered that corporate web censors had begun to block access to the ssqq web site due to "objectionable content".  Apparently even our clean jokes were offensive!  Faced with the choice of kowtowing to Big Brother and giving the ssqq web site a thorough clean up, we decided to say the heck with it.

Now that our reputation is ruined, what's the point of holding back?  As they say, we can't be good any more, so we might as well be better!

So, starting in July, 2006, I decided to add the naughty jokes in with the clean jokes each month.  My guess is after you read the naughty jokes, you will agree with me they aren't at all nasty. They simply deal with adult themes.  I added them for one simple reason - they made me laugh.  I hope they do the same for you.

 Rick Archer
July 8, 2006

-----Original Message-----
From: Andrew N
Sent: Monday, May 29, 2006 5:18 AM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: blue side jokes

Hi Rick,

I read with interest your comments about the ssqq web site being blocked by corporation web censors in the june 2006 newsletter.  I would rather not list where I work because google is sure to bust my butt in case you print this, but I haven't been able to get on your web site from work for about six months.  I always get a popup that says viewing is blocked due to "lewd and objectionable material". 

big brother is watching!

After I read what you said in the email newsletter, from home I decided to visit your jokes page.  Quite frankly, I see little that is lewd and objectionable. Here is what I think is REALLY going on. Some of those jokes are pretty funny and I am sure I could easily waste an afternoon at work reading them. My guess is your site is banned for the simple fact that it is fun and interesting which in corporate-speak is synonymous with "lewd and objectionable".

Censorship rarely works. It just makes people take detours. In one sense, I suppose the powers-that-be have a point - why permit access to a really interesting web site while people are at work?  Don't get your feelings hurt - getting censored is a backhanded compliment that says your website is very distracting!

At any rate, my suggestion is to go ahead and add all the dirty jokes you want. My guess is you could spend months cleaning up your web site and discover you are still banned in boston by most of the censors. Who knows what they are picking up on?  It is probably the jokes, but your pictures, your travel page, your newsletter, even some of your stories... all of them have 'adult content'.  Everywhere I look, I find something that might raise an eyebrow.  For example, in the archive section I found an article on "dance hall sin".  Are you going to remove that too? 

To go through your huge web site and delete everything that might bother someone would end up ruining a fun place to visit.  Don't even bother - leave your web site just as it is.

Just accept that your site will be off-limits to some of your students while they are at work and don't worry about it.  If you want to be cynical, be happy they will be able to concentrate enough to keep their job. This way they can continue to afford dance lessons.

No point in ruining a good thing. Keep up the good work!