December CS 01:  Bungee Jumping in Mexico - Pat Roberts

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,

”What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a ‘pinata’?

”

December CS 02:  Playboy for Married Men - Gary Richardson

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for MARRIED MEN published by Playboy?

 

December CS 03:  The Blonde and the Ranch - Kerry Pelham

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.  They decide  they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd.  The brunette  takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

 She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.

 “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to  send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says:

 Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.” The man behind the  counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.”

 She thinks about it for a moment and decides.  “I’d like to send one word,  please.”

 “And what word would that be?” inquires the man.

 “Comfortable.” replies the blonde.

 The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this  telegram?”

 The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL. 

 

December CS 04:  You May be a Redneck if… - Gary Richardson

If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 

If you can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 

If your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 

If you burn your yard rather than mow it. 

If the Salvation Army declines your mattress. 

If you offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 

If you have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 

If you come back from the dump with more than you took. 

If the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything. 

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 

If you go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 

If you know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 

If you have a rag for a gas cap. 

If you've ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic. 

If your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 

If you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 

If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 

If there is a murder and DNA tests indicate practically everyone in the community is a suspect.

 

December CS 05:  The Married Man – Judith Walsh, Mike Guillory, and Andre Faust

A married man left for work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

 

December CS 06:  An Elderly Couple – Andre Faust

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.  The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman turns to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!” The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” 

The old man yelled, “He thinks he knows you!”

After the old lady got her ticket, she ordered her husband to drive, then climbed in the back seat. The woman was so mad she ranted on and on about the stupidity of the cop who had given her the ticket. The old man did the best he could to ignore her and tried to watch the scenery as he drove on.

It grew dark. With a grim smile, the old man noted he was finally able to tune her out. After gaining a semblance of peace, it was with great annoyance that he noted the same patrolman come up fast behind him and signal for him to pull over. With a great sigh, he slowed down and waited for the cop. To his surprise he saw the man dragging his wife from the patrol car to his car. She was bitching every step of the way.

“Hey, Mister, did you know your wife fell out of the car a few miles back??” the officer asked.

“Really?? No kidding!  Hey, thanks for telling me, Officer. For a while I was worried that I was going deaf too!!”

 

December CS 07:  The Country Doctor – Angela Dolezal

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.  The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. 

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

 

December CS 08:  The Four Year Old Daughter – Chris Holmes

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I already knew that, daddy."

Raising an eyebrow, he replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

 

December CS 09:  The Hustler and the Golf Pro – Mike Guillory

The old retired man had been taking Golf lessons. He was making steady progress, but chafed at the constant needling of the golf pro.

Finally, one day the old man challenged the golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. “But,” said the old man, “since you’re obviously much better than I am, to even it a bit you have to spot me two ‘gotchas’.” The golf pro didn’t know what a ‘gotcha’ was, but he knew easy money was to be had so he went along with it. And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the old duffer $100. “What happened?” asked one of the members. 

“Well,” said the pro, “I was teeing up for the first hole, and just as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand up between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling ‘Gotcha!’  Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?” 

 

December CS 10:  Kuwaiti Men Treat Their Women Better – Mike Guillory

Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, noting then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

Recently she returned to Kuwait and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Surprised, Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” she said. “What enabled women here to achieve this impressive reversal of roles?”

Behind the veil, the Kuwaiti woman replied, “Land mines.”

 

December CS 11:  Brother John – Mike Guillory

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence'. The Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed." 

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." 

After another five years, the Chief Priest called Brother John. "You may say another two words, Brother John." 

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. 

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." 

"Old Blanket,” said Brother John.

"Brother John, I think it is probably best that you leave the Monastery. You just don’t fit in," said the Chief Priest. “You've done nothing but complain since you got here." 

 

December CS 12:  The GI Learns Manners in England – Pat Roberts

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked.

The lady was insulted; “You Americans are so rude,” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant.”

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said.  “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier completely lost his temper. He stepped over, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. As she watched the young man shaking with anger, the lady was speechless, but at least had the sense to shut up.

At this, an older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know after watching you, I am starting to believe the old legend that only the stupid ones sailed to the Colonies. You Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

 

December CS 13:  A Note From Camp – Pat Roberts

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.  Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps, it was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it weren’t for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blowup?  The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes.  John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.

This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Walt wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Walt isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now.  We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Jordie

P.S.: How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

 

December CS 14:  A Chance for a Promotion – Patricia Bradshaw

It’s quitting time and on the way out, a young executive sees the CEO of the company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” the CEO says,  “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left for the day. Can you make this thing work?”

“No problem,” says the young executive. This is his chance to show the boss how smart he is. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses “Start.”

“Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. “Now I just need one copy.”

 

December CS 15: The Cannibals - Daryl Armstrong

Several cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defense company. 

"You're all part of our team now," said the boss during the welcoming ceremony. "You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, so please don't trouble any of the other employees." 

The cannibals promised. 

Four weeks later the boss returned and said, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" 

The cannibals all shook their heads no. 

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"


December CS 16:  Brandi and the Lord – Susan Schroeder

A woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. She invested all her inheritance and now her business has gone bankrupt. Brandi is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. This is unusual for her. Brandi has never prayed before, but if ever she needed the Lord before, she needs him now.

Brandi begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays... God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."  Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I have never asked you for help before and I have always been a good Christian. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."


December CS 17:  The Golf Club - Chris Holmes

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


December CS 18:  A Heart-Warming Story – Ralph Volz

Here's one of those heartwarming stories that takes a minute to read but will stay with you all day... Someone who teaches at middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.  The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. 

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. 

My roommate is 95 years old and always had her own radio.  Before I received one, she would NEVER let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Life is good.
Sincerely, Edna

 

December CS 19:  Hanky-Panky - Ralph Volz

A man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party.  Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife who was an insanely jealous and suspicious woman. 

Later that night, the man and his wife were in the car when he spotted a high-heeled shoe under the passenger seat.  While his wife wasn’t looking, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window. Later, as they got out of the car, his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

December CS 20:  Redneck Vacation - Alyssa Shulman - 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.  The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.  Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." 

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" 

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me." 


December CS 21:  Cow from Ohio - Chris Holmes 

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.  The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Mansfield, Ohio, for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. 

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.  They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Ohio.


December CS 22:   Farmer Jake - Donna Ruth

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got, was when he was out in the field, plowing. One day when he was out in the field plowing, his wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. 

At the funeral, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. 

When the funeral was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up an down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" 

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down." The men all asked, "Will you sell me that mule?"


December CS 23:  The Blonde and the Brunette Team Up - Gary Richardson 

The Blonde and the Brunette are in New York preparing to leave for a two week cruise. The Blonde's boyfriend has just given her a new Rolls. Nevertheless she is fuming because Honeybear didn't give her any extra money to store the vehicle during the trip. The Brunette smiles and says she will handle it.

So the Brunette leaves the hotel with the Blonde in tow. Together they walk across the street into a bank. The Brunette asks for the loan officer. She says she and her friend are going to Europe on business for two weeks and they need to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Brunette tells the Blonde to hand over the keys to her new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the stupid blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Brunette and the Blonde return, repay the $5,000 plus the interest, which comes to $15.41.

There is something bothering the loan officer. He says to the beautiful Blonde, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that this car was purchased by a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replies, "You have to ask my friend. I have no idea what is going on."

The Brunette replies..... "Where else in New York City can we park this car for two weeks for only $15.41 and fully expect it to safely be here when we return?  You have provided an excellent service for which we are grateful."


December CS 24:  I've Got My Eye on You - Kathleen Bungard 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Would you let me buy your dinner to make it up to you?" she says. Smitten, he says yes. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater. Then they have drinks. They talk, they laugh, they share their deepest dreams.

She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!!  He is drawn to praise her.  "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh heavens no," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."


December CS 25:  Aggie Hunters - Patty Jones

A couple of Texas Aggie hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. 

The other Aggie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend keeled over. I think he's is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


December CS 26:  Seven degrees of blondeness - Judith Walsh 

ONE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, How should I know, that's 200 miles from here and hung up. The husband said, Who was that The wife said, I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, Hmm, this person looks familiar. The second blonde says, Here, let me see! So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, You dummy, it's me!

THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, No, honey, don't do it. The blonde replies, Shut up, you're next!

FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them. A friend says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? The blonde replies, Oh, that's easy W 

FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?

SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. My God! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am? Yes, officer, I'm just fine the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world did this happen? The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. Officer, it was the strangest thing! The blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another T.... Uh, ma'am, the officer said, cutting her off, There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!


December CS 27:  Tales Doctors Can Tell - Hieronymous Anonymous 

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one. 

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly. 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious! 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" 
After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive." 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." 

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. 
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" 
"Yes," he answered. 
She asked, "Does it work?" 
"Yes," he answered. 
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. 
"I can if I take two," he answered.