BEST NEW JOKES OF THE MONTH FOR 2006
SSQQ Newsletter readers send in great jokes all the
time. But they get frustrated when they don't see their joke used.
The reason I didn't use them is because we already have over 700 jokes in our immortal
Hall of Fame.
Obviously there is no way for a reader to know which one we
have and which one we don't.
So I suggest if you have a good joke, send it to me anyway! Thanks, Rick Archer
Best New Jokes - December 2006
When They Lie, Women are Noble - Gerald McEathron
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water
and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared
under the water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and
would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why
I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good
and honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed, All Us Women
The Polish Eye Test - Tresa Frazier
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
The Sensitive Pope - Jim Landureth
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They
noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti
Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind,
and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et
Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
Sex Sandals - Gerald McEathron
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this
small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make
you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican
quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end
of the stick, so to speak.
The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the
husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on.
As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't
seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's
The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You
got dem on the wrong feet!"
Market Research - Gary Richardson
A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor,
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's
bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know
that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use
it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I
put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
The White Lie Cake - Gerald McEathron
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this--especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies'
group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging
through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made
it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack
up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped
flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear,
there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit
in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So,
being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build
up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper &
newspaper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not
only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head
for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and
specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at
9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive
perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone
and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. She couldn't imagine what
had gone wrong. Alice was beside herself. Everyone would know, what
would they think? "Oh, my," she wailed! She would be ostracized,
talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking
about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think
about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal
shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good
time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a
snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that
Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of
Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP 'd she could not think of a
believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South. Then, to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She
started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it,
but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard
the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I
baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
Taxi Driver's First Day on the Job - Lynn
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver
on the shoulder to ask him a question.
Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a
panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and
pulled to side of road.
Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said,
"Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the
past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
Getting Into Heaven - Sam Longoria
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into
Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked
the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day
was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover
was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife
was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his
fingertips! The nerve of that guy!"
The man paused to collect his thoughts. "Well, I ran out onto the
balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But
wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage,
I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was
the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony,
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart
attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
"OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise,
it was none other than Donald Trump himself.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to
relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself
by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course
I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my
fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all
things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of
me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of
Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please
tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
The Homeless Woman - Judith Walsh
A woman was walking down the street. Without warning, she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman
who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago" the homeless woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman
"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
done In 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious
with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what
a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair
appointments, and wine."
The Shaky Little Old Lady - Milt Oglesby
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front
door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles
the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she
asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave
The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing,
politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many
different models. Can I help you find one?"
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss
ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?
The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."
She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
The Minister's Advice - Rick Archer
As part of their ministry, the church decided to run a
daily soup kitchen. Not surprisingly, the free food was very popular
with the homeless people in the area. However this gift did come
with a small catch - first you had to listen to a sermon.
Every day the rows of pews would be filled with derelicts, bums, and
plenty of people down on their luck. One afternoon, the minister
decided it was time again to lecture on the evils of alcohol. In
order to get their attention, the minister began the service by
putting up two glasses. One he filled with water. The other he
filled with gin.
Then he pulled out a worm and dropped it in the water. The worm swam
happily around in the glass of water until the minister pulled it
back out. As the worm wriggled in his fingers, the minister
proclaimed with certainty that the worm loved the water and that the
water was safe for the worm.
Then the minister dropped the worm in the gin. Almost instantly the
worm died and its ravaged body began to disappear in the toxic
The minister let out a satisfied cry of delight. "Do you see what
evils this alcohol has done!? What does this experiment prove?"
A wino in the back of the room spoke up. "Reverend, it proves if you
drink alcohol, you'll never get worms! Can we eat now?"
Cajun Confession - Carol Gafford
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almos' had de affair wid annuder woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress' and rub together, but den I
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50 on de box, and
'cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."
Three Horse - Chris Holmes
A government social worker was visiting the Indian reservation for
the first time.
Over by the store, a woman was yelling up a blue streak at an old
Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social
worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man
"Hey, that lady sure has your number."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse.
Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."
Why We Split Up - Gareld McEathron
She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too
bad, but I would
have to quit drinking.
Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her
that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!
Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.
I don't think she's coming back…
Home Depot - Sam Longoria
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at
Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young
guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I
wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
Difference Between Guts and Balls - Patty
We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact,
they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't
Do you want to know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at
the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Law Enforcement Semantics - Jackie Chang
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's
deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a
lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education
than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and
have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you
want me to stop or just slow down?
Survivor - Texas-Style - Milt Oglesby
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do
a season series entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."
The contestants will all start in Dallas, then drive to Waco,
Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.
They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa,
Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:
"I'm Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John
Kerry, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008 and I'm here to
confiscate your gun"
The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
Miranda Rights - Patty Jones
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
"Great idea," the drunk replies. "Tits!"
I Think You are the Father of One of My
Kids - Chris Holmes
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman
wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from
my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right
there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your
son's math teacher."
Marriage Counseling - Dakota Wilhelm
A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of
marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into
a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the
wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares
at him quietly in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is
lonely. This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker,
Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work
Thought for the Day - Dakota Wilhelm
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with them.
Further Thoughts on Aging - Lanita Hutto
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by
from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel,I've been reading this 'Sex and
Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual
orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about.
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and
said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
The Ugly Woman - Rhonwyn Baker
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart
with her two bratty kids in tow. Up and down the aisles she screams
obscenities at them. The kids of course act miserable the whole
time. No one has a clue what to do or say. As a result, the whole
place is in a tense hush wherever the three of them go.
Finally the manager sends over the official Wal-Mart Greeter. He
tells the elderly man to see if he can get some peace and quiet one
of the kids kicks. For his efforts, he is immediately kicked in the
leg by one of the kids. Unfazed, he puts on his official Greeter
face and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, and welcome to Wal-Mart... Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell No, they
ain't twins. The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7."
The woman actually pauses for a moment. "Hey, why would you think
they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "it was just beyond my imagination to
think you could actually have gotten more than once!"
Best New Jokes - November 2006
Best New Jokes - October 2006
Best New Jokes - September 2006
Best New Jokes - August 2006
Best New Jokes - July 2006
How Bush Can Solve Three Problems at Once - Chris Holmes
Here is how to do it:
First, Dig a moat the length of the Mexican Border.
Then take the dirt from the moat and use it to raise the levees in
Then put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Poof! Immigration problems are solved, you have levees that will
withstand anything, and little children in Florida won't be gator
lunch any more.
Now... any other problems you want me to solve?
Just Shoot Me - Gay Anseman and
(this joke is so good it has its own page!)
All About Frank - Milt Oglesby and Gareld McEathron
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like
that to Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not
like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f ***ing widow!!!"
How Brokeback Mountain Gave New Meaning to Western Dialogue -
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
How Did We Ever Survive?? - Ann Faget
This is for all of you who were raised in the 1940's, 50's, and
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and
didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright
colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags
(not to mention no air conditioning!)
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO
ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with
sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After
running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround
sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or
Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live
in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen,
we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Not one parent sued
to get their son on the team. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! You survived your youth. Imagine that.
Crime Scene Investigation - Carol Gafford
Dear Hints to Heloise:
I am writing to say what an excellent product I have found Tide to
be! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it
was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I continue to be amazed at
the effectiveness of this wonderful cleaner.
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my
new white blouse! So I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach
alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by
yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and
then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a
suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Next week when I have time to write, I have some nice things to say
about the Hefty bag product as well.
The Picnic - Lynn Griffiths
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked
ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really
ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't
know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried
Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you
going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your
The Usher - Lynn Griffiths
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly
usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
The Policeman Makes a Mistake - Dakota Wilhelm
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman had to slam on her brakes. As her tires
screeched to a sudden stop, she hit the horn. Then she started
screaming in frustration over her missed chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup in the process. As
she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her half-open window.
She stopped her cursing and looked up into the face of a very
serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took
her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours,
a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said: "I'm very sorry for your experience. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the
guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk."
"Obviously I made a mistake, but for some reason I assumed you had
stolen the car."
The Texan and the Irishman - Guy Hoover
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the
crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard
drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can
drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."
The Poker Player - Gareld McEathron
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
dropped a card on the floor. When he bent down under the table to
pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the
table as he tried to rise. He emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's
wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well
indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons
and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 PM. Friday
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly
dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a
few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And
did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out. But she had to
play her hand out. After mustering her best poker face, replied,
"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our
house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
The Top 17 Country-Western Songs for 2006 - Doug Hewitt
17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine.
16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number #1 country song is.
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few
Best New Jokes - June 2006
6 kinds of sex - Sam Longoria
1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period;
you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on
the table, etc.
3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you
pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also
called oral sex by some.
5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when
you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once
a month but it's not enough to live on....
The Mental Asylum - Loni Lewellyn
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her
to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
The Good Ole Boys - Milt Oglesby
Bubba and Earl are two avid hunters who got a pilot to take them to
Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they were loading them on the plane to come home, the pilot tells
them the plane can only carry four.
The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and
the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six animals were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power the little plane couldn't handle
the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked Earl, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yeah, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
California Then and Now - Gary Richardson
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost
everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
Subject: Clever Book Report - Carla Upchurch and Phyllis Porter
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by
Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book
report, suggesting that they were nearly identical stories!
His Professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bulls**t artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
Dennis and the IRS - Loni Lewellyn
Dennis arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by
Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it
appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported
income. How do you explain that?"
Dennis replied, "I love to gamble and I always win."
The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.
"I can prove it," said Dennis. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Dennis said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Dennis removed his glass eye and bit it.
The official's jaw dropped. Dennis said, "Now, I'll bet you two
thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The official could tell Dennis wasn't blind, so he took the bet.
Dennis then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.
The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Dennis asked. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that
wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in
The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this
guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Dennis climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket
completely, and pretty much got pee all over the desk.
The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge
win! But then he noticed that Dennis's friend looked ashen and was
visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.
The man replied, "Not really. Yesterday Dennis bet me twenty
thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
The Goldfish - Chris Holmes
Little eight-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
her neighbor peered over the fence. This kid was always good for a
laugh. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he
asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," Nancy sobbed, "and I've just buried him."
The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a
really big hole for a little Goldfish, don't you think?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and
replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Things Kids Say - Dakota Wilhelm
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Why are you late Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School ahead. Go slow."
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Greg, how would you spell "crocodile?"
TEACHER: No Greg, that's incorrect.
GREG: Maybe it's incorrect, but you asked me how "I" spelled it.
TEACHER: Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?
RYAN: H I J K L M N O
TEACHER: Ryan, what are you talking about?
RYAN: Well, yesterday you said it was H to O.
TEACHER: Hunter, name one important thing that we have today that we
didn't have 10 years ago.
TEACHER: Adam, why do you always get so dirty?
ADAM: Well, I guess it's because I'm a lot closer to the ground than
TEACHER: Beth, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BETH: I is...........
TEACHER: No Beth...Always say, "I am"...not "I is".
BETH: All right........."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now Alex, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
ALEX: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
MACY: No Ma'am, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's composition. Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL: No teacher, it's the same dog.
TEACHER: Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to
people who are no longer interested?
PARKER: A Teacher
Leroy's Favorite Leroy Joke - Leroy Ginzel
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard
that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well,
this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one,
through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are
they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes--it makes it
easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school,
I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'
an' they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's
running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her
forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to
come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."
Living to a Ripe Old Age - Abbie Barbley
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I
said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live
to be 80?
Community Property - Carol Gafford
The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut
it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then
carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles
and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around
them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal
for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are
She answered: "THE TEETH."
Old Henry - Paul Eustace
Martha, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake,
however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic
after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said
nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in
front of Martha's house...walked home.... and left it there all
You gotta love Henry.
Osama Writes George a Letter - Milt Oglesby
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his
own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her
aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to t! he CIA, then to
the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked
Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell
the President he's holding the message upside down."
Bill and the Pickle Factory - Milt Oglesby
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
The Restaurant - Milt Oglesby
We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a
nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do
you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."
I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate
She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?
Church Bells - Milt Oglesby
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding
and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Six Classic Affairs - Lynn Griffiths
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell
asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his
lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've
been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy
baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He was horrified to look at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow
you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be
saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all
over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the hu sband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths' and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk - Abbie Barbley
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to!"
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got
just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
Three Thoughts - Bett Sundermeyer
Consider these three thoughts -
(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To
combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying
(2) Our Constitution
"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't
we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, and it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it
3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building
full of lawyers, judges and politicians… It creates a hostile work
Akelaah and the Spelling Bee - Paul Havlak
Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in
a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat
ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Ole and Lena - Lynn Griffiths
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every
Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and
Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he
noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up
the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about
you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up
his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at
Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his
Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and
there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel
and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in
the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I
done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got
to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your
Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to
smoke or drink to have a good time!"
Best New Jokes - May 2006
Best New Jokes - April 2006
Best New Jokes - March 2006
Best New Jokes - February 2006
Best New Jokes - January 2006
101 - Anita Williams
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people
often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, while pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party. First you straighten your dress, then you
walk up to him and pour him a drink. After handing him the drink,
you say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie. In the process
of fixing his tie, you brush your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You slip a letter outlining your sexual skills and your experience
into the pocket of every man at a party whether he is cute or ugly,
young or old, wealthy or poor, married or single, walking or
crippled. That's Junk Mail.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center, get your megaphone
ready, and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
The Barbie Doll - Doug Hewett
One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and
asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best
Involuntary Muscular Contractions - Milt Oglesby
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "I never thought about it before, but he's probably
drinking beer at the bar with his friends."
Menopause Jewelry - Lynn Griffiths
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Prison vs. Work - Chris Holmes
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this
should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who
pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work,
and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting
to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.
The Rabbit in the Refrigerator - Lynn Griffiths
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
To which the lady replied, "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage - Gary Richardson
For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s.
As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the
good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on
the TV?" I said "Dust!"
The Ventriloquist - Loni Llewelyn
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
blond jokes when a blond in the 4th row stands on her chair and
launches into a tirade…
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you
who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person - Because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blonds, but women in general, and you disguise your contempt
behind a cover phrase called 'humor!' Well, I know better. I don't
appreciate what you say one bit! And it isn't funny!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist stammers as he begins to apologize.
The blond easily interrupts him and yells, "You stay out of this,
Mister! I'm talking to that little shit man on your knee and if he
doesn't shut up I'm gonna come up there and smash his face in!"
The Perfect Husband - Robert Ong
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and
highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off
before I throw it in the shower room!"
The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes, I am."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
models for next year. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They've come down $10,000 and now they
are asking $950,000. What do you think, should we make them an
MAN: "Absolutely. Go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$940,000 so they will know we are serious buyers."
WOMAN: "OK, Honey! Now you're talking! I can't wait to see you
later! Look for me upstairs and don't be long! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in astonishment.
Then the man smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs
The Explanation - Lanny Hutto
A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young
lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on
her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She
climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I
gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse
and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the
$150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her
some of the leftover roast beef from the fridge that has just been
sitting there. Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful,
for all these things, she thanked me profusely. As she was about to
leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your
wife doesn't use anymore?'
…And here we are."
Canadian Politics: "Chief Walking Eagle" - Garald McEathron
Prime Minister Paul Martin was invited to address a major gathering
of the Canadian Indian Nation two weeks ago in Northern Canada. He
spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every
Native's present standard of living, should he be re-elected of
course. He also referred to his career as Finance Minister.
Although the Prime Minister was vague on the details of his plan, he
seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red
sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Chief Walking Eagle. The
proud Prime Minister then departed in his motorcade, waving to the
A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs as to how they
came to select the new name given to the Prime Minister.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so
full of shit it can no longer fly.
The Aggie Bar - Dakota Wilhelm
A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie
were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was
fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.
"But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back
in Lubbock. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way
for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The Longhorn said "Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will
buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2."
"Hell, that's nothin'," the Aggie responded. "Back in College
Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when
you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you
get laid. And it's all on the house."
The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's
claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the Tech grad.
No, not myself personally," admitted the Aggie. "But it did happen
to my sister."