BEST NEW JOKES OF THE MONTH - 2005
Edited by Rick Archer

These are the best NEW jokes sent in last year. As their "month" arrives, I will add them to our 12 Hall of Fame lists that I publish one each month.

SSQQ Newsletter readers send in great jokes all the time. But they get frustrated when they don't see their joke used.  The reason I didn't use them is because we already have nearly 1,000 jokes in our immortal Hall of Fame. Some readers say we have one of the best joke pages on the Internet. This is quite an honor considering we don't even try.

Obviously there is no way for a reader to know which one we have and which one we don't.  So I suggest if you have a good joke, send it to me anyway!
Dance@ssqq.com

Thanks, Rick Archer

Best New Jokes - December 2005
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(sorry, we didn't publish any jokes this month)

Best New Jokes - November  2005
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Snappy Comebacks - Sam Longoria

Someone just said something so outrageous you are dying to come up with the words to put them exactly in their place… but the words escape you!! You sit there tongue-tied and suffering mightily because they have escaped your wrath! Here are some situations and things you wish you could come up with if the occasion presented itself!

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
When the cop got out of his car, the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," said the cop.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could."

Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it his truck gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks who are ahead of you in line first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He responded loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without missing a beat, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!"

Without so much as a flinch, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Snappy Answer #6
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching a bit impatiently.

She stares back at them and says defiantly, "Obviously all those f***ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men smiled. "Well, there you have it lady. Maybe you should have taken golf lessons instead."

Snappy Answer #7
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

Snappy Answer #8
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


The Two blonde Guys - Leroy Ginzel

Two blonde guys drove their truck up in front of a neighborhood gas station. They got out and the first man began to dig a deep hole right in front of the gas station.

Unbeknownst to him, the owner of the gas station was watching him through the window. He was curious to know what the two men were up to. Their truck said "Parks and Recreation". Obviously they worked for the city. On the truck were a dozen oak trees.

The first man finished the hole and proceeded to pace off 20 feet. Then he got out his shovel and began to dig another hole. The gas station owner did a double take when the second blonde guy stated to push the dirt back in the first hole.

The gas station owner was confused. What was going on here? So he continued to watch.

Sure enough, the cycle was repeated several times. The first man dug a hole and the second man would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

Then around 10 am, they decided to take a break. They had worked furiously and were clearly getting tired. Slowly they both came back to their truck to get some water and take a rest.

The owner could not control his curiosity any longer. He walked over to the two men and asked them both his question. "I'm really impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but there's something I don't get. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The first man wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd. Normally we are a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."


The Master Thief - Lynn Griffiths

Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell you a story like this!

Best New Jokes - October 2005
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No new jokes in October. Sorry.

Best New Jokes - September  2005
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The Marriage Counselor - Anita Williams

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately while cupping her behind with one hand and fondling one breast with the other. The woman shuts up and sits down in a daze, breathing rapidly, heart racing.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday's is my fishing day."


Pedro - Milt Oglesby

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."


America's Deficiency in Math - Milt Oglesby

This is why we trail so many countries in math.

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently. Next to me sat a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper.

One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news.

Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"


The Italian Stud - Gary Richardson

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the lovemaking resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for her yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "Are you finish!?!"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear...

"No, I Norwegian."


Discussing a Car - Leroy Ginzel

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it"

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."


The Hairdo - Stephanie Barrow

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. Where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really, what did he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy hairdo?'"

Best New Jokes - August 2005
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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004 - Carol Gafford

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

5. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Take Over

6. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

7. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

8. War Dims Hope for Peace

9. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

10. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

11. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

12. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

13. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

14. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

15. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

16. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

17. CIA Probes Intelligence Leak in Failed Operation

18. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

19. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

20. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


The Salesman - Gary Richardson

A salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip. He was feeling a bit lonely so he got to thinking about some female company. Now that he thought about it some more, he wasn't lonely, he downright horny. The guy was a good salesman for his product, but he was very nervous around women. His fat belly, thick glasses and baldness didn't help his confidence any.

Since the salesman realized he wasn't particularly adept at picking up women at some bar, what was the point in even trying? Instead he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone books from an "escort" service. He picked a number and dialed it.

As the phone rang, the man noticed his hands were shaking. He realized just how nervous he was. But he was willing to pay and they were advertising, so why not just ask for what he wanted?

He was so lost in his fantasy he actually jumped when a woman answered the phone in a husky voice.

She said, "Hello? Can I help you?"

"Yes, you can definitely help me. I hear you do escorts and massages. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want jungle sex… wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me! You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does that sound?" he asked.

The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line, you must press 9 first."


Career Decision - Gareld McEathron

There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son. It was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession.

Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up.

If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room.

He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"


The Email Letter - Carol Gafford

Subject: THANKS

At this time of year, I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your email chain letters over the past 12 months.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. In fact, I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be surprised by Anthrax powder. Nor do I attend movies any longer for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. I always wear rubber gloves when opening my mail in order to avoid the deadly Klingerman virus that starts out with severe dysentery. I never keep my car windows open at a stoplight for fear of a Spunkball that would be thrown inside that could cause a large, deadly fire.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (I don't remember that in the Bible.) I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. Yes, I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (PDST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician! Honest!


Take Me Out to the Ballgame - Sandy Lenardoozy

One fine March day the Golden Years Retirement Home down in Sarasota, Florida, sent several of their retirees to a springtime exhibition game between the Dodgers and the Phillies.

Three elderly ladies were excited about seeing their first live baseball game in many a year.

One of them smuggled a bottle of Whiskey into the ballpark.

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely, especially since they were mixing the Jack Daniel's with their Coca Cola soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Now, based on the information given to you, can you guess what inning it is and how many players are on base?

Think!

Do you give up?

Here's the answer - It's the bottom of the Fifth and the bags are loaded!


The Famous Johnny Carson Pun - Sam Longoria

Hey Rick, speaking of bad puns, I remember one from way back that I heard Johnny Carson deliver on the tonight show (probably in the mid 70s). It went like this:

It seems that the famous Latin hotsy-totsy Carmen Miranda at one time was pledged in marriage to the French singer-actor Yves Montand. Following an old European tradition Montand pledged to give her two priceless jewel-encrusted antique combs to use in her hair upon the marriage.

So Johnny speculated to his audience that she would be "Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs!"


Intensive Care Unit - Judy Walsh

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears in his room to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other. Then she takes a close look. On first glance there seems to be nothing wrong. But she doesn't want to make a mistake. Just to be sure, she switches hands and does a thorough inspection.

Finally she is satisfied. She says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir! They look white to me!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, hesitates for a moment to make sure he can breathe properly. Then he smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but I'm not sure you understood me. I said, 'Are my test results back?'"


What Was That You Said? - Carol Gafford

An elderly couple was sitting together for several hours watching television. Neither one said a word. The sound was turned up to make it easier to hear.

During a Viagra commercial, the husband decided to ask his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied --- during the next commercial,

"You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"


Venus and Mars Time Again - Carol Gafford

The FEMALE PRAYER

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

The MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!

Amen


One-Liners - Mae Neihouse

1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.

5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.

7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
His last name.

8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

11. What's the similarity between a hurricane and an Arkansas divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer.


The Close Shave - Carol Gafford

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."

The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face.

"Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great! Smooth as a baby's bottom!"

He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move. Just then he gulped and gagged with an involuntary jerk. The ball was now stuck in the back of his mouth.

With muffled voice he asked, "Buh what happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Don't worry about it. Here's some water. Swallow it down and just bring it back tomorrow…that's what the last guy did."


The Blonde Samaritan - Maureen Brunetti

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when a man whose truck had broken down flagged her to stop. He didn't seem very dangerous so she pulled over. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."


Beggars on the Street - Chris Holmes

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him. The other one has the Star of David in front of him.

Many people pause to look at both beggars. Some walk on, but most decide to put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by and stops to watch.

He quickly notices the Star of David beggar never gets even the slightest nod. Instead throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Compassion sweeps over the priest.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."


0 to 200 in Four Seconds - Judy Walsh

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

As a surprise for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. After unwrapping her present, she stared at him in confusion. "What's this all about?"

He smiled and said, "Try it and see if it goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds."

She immediately found a use for it when she decided to hit him over the head.


Mind Your Manners - Patty Jones

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students about how they would behave in certain situations.

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Bill, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who's looking forward to meeting you after dinner'"
 

Best New Jokes - July 2005
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The Quarter Game - Chris Holmes

A young boy enters a barbershop. The barber smiles and whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy said..."Well, if I take the dollar ...the game is over!"


Alligator Shoes - Loni Lewellyn

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


The Cock and the Hen House - Anonymous Hieronymous

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village. Maybe that was the explanation. So he decided to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.

Flustered, he said, "No, no! That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women except one stood up.

"No, no," he said excitedly, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

His face was growing beet red with embarrassment. "No, no," he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

Three nuns, two altar boys and two priests stood up.


The Letter to Dad - Judy Walsh

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed "To Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant, and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm sleeping next door at Kevin's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. And don't forget how much I love you!

Please call when it is safe for me to come home."


Dog's World and Cat's World - Chris Holmes

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4:30 pm - Oh Boy! Chasing the cat!  Lots of fun!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 1,283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs tomorrow!

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time!


Foreign Language - Milt Oglesby

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. The admiral then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."


The Hospital Charts - Chris Holmes

Actual writings from patient hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
13. The skin was moist and dry.
14. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
15. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
16. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
17. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
18. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
19. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
21. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
22. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


Granting the Wife's Wish - Chris Holmes

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.


Using Terms any Citizen Can Understand - Gary Richardson

A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down. Since I could see no one was coming, I sped up again. No harm, no foul."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating hell out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"


Don't Talk to the Parrot! - Carol Gafford

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. He could only come over at a time when she really needed to be at work. She certainly didn't want to burn any leave on something like this. Wanda had used him before and figured he was trustworthy, so she decided to make an arrangement.

Wanda told the repairman on the phone, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." Then she paused for a second. She figured she better tell him about her strange parrot. "By the way, you don't have to worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. Repeat, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! Let me repeat that, whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

The repairman laughed and said he would remember to leave the parrot alone.

The next day when the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. He immediately gulped with intense fear. But he needed the money and decided to take the woman's word for it. Slowly he entered the apartment. Sure enough, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet. The dog never moved as he watched the repairman go about his work.

The parrot on the other hand was a real pain in the butt. The parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. The parrot kept screeching, "You're a stupid Moron! You're a stupid Moron!" It didn't help that the repair wasn't going well, particularly because the man was having a hard time concentrating with all that racket.

The man was down on the floor trying to screw a difficult bolt back into place for the third time. Just as he was on the verge of finally getting the bolt on, the parrot screamed, "You're a Jerk. You can't Work! You're a stupid Moron!" His hand flinched and the bolt bounced far out of reach behind the dishwasher.

The repairman couldn't contain himself any longer! He yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike! Kill!"


The Blonde Makes a Big Discovery! - Chris Holmes

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines "just in case", he sunbathed in the nude. He was pretty nervous about this date. This woman really had his number. He couldn't wait to see her! To steady his nerves he downed a couple beers. Unfortunately as he was putting on his lotion, he accidentally dozed off. When he awoke, a sharp pain alerted him that his Johnson was badly sunburned.

Being very determined, he decided he could not/would not miss his date with the sizzling blonde. But first he had to take of something else that was sizzling. He put some ointment on his big red hot dog and wrapped it carefully in gauze. Then he began to cook dinner for his date.

A couple hours later the beautiful blonde showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal. Her eyes grew excited as she surveyed the upcoming feast. They had a great meal together! Then after they finished dinner, they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the proximity of the amazing woman on the couch next to him had the expected effect: the young man's sunburned hot dog suddenly reached its full proportion. This was good, but this was bad. The tightly stretched skin immediately began to hurt a lot. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.

As much as he desired this beautiful woman, something had to be done to reduce his erect Johnson back to its resting position or he would have to start screaming!

He looked in the refrigerator. He was about to reach for the ice tray when he remember a friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. Plus the cold milk would surely have a "calming effect" on the beast. He couldn't wait any longer. He simply stuck the hot rod into the milk and gasped with immediate relief.

Meanwhile the blonde was wondering what the young man was doing. At that exact moment she wandered into the kitchen and saw him with his hot red poker immersed in the glass of milk.

A huge smile came across her face. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "I ALWAYS WONDERED HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

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June CS 35: Father Explains Condoms to His Son - Judy Walsh

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. "These guys must be Supermen!"

"Well, not exactly, son." With a tear in his eye, the dad continued, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."


June CS 36: Boys Night Out - Anita Williams

A couple had only been married for two weeks. But it was Tuesday, Boys Night Out. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies like he had for years. Marriage was one thing, but Boys Night was another. He was the Man in the family and if he wanted to hang with his buddies, damn it, that was his right!

So he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know...uh, there's swearing, dirty words and men talking like Men!!"

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

And they lived happily ever after.


June CS 37: Girls Night Out - Chris Holmes

Two women decided to go out one night, without their husbands. They lived next door to each other and were best friends.

Laughing the entire evening away, and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home. They were about half way home when both ladies realized that they better to find a bathroom quickly.

However it was their bad luck they had hit a long stretch of the road out in the country where there were no convenient gas stations. The whole stretch was deserted. They decided the quickest place to stop was a cemetery.

They were a little bit scared and tipsy, but the urgency of the moment overcame their fears. They decided they had no choice. They would just have to stop here since they couldn't wait any longer.

Stumbling off the road into the cemetery, now they realized they had no toilet paper or Kleenex. But the trip was an urgent one. They would just have to make do!

The first woman decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties, and not wanting to leave them behind, grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the gravestone next to her.

Both women were so drunk it was ridiculous. They could barely even find their car again as they staggered back. It was a miracle they got home safely. The moment they got home, they both fell into bed with their clothes on.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One of them said to the other, "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives. It seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties!"

The other one responded, "Well, you're lucky. Mine came home with a Card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you! Love, The Carboni Brothers"


June CS 38: Time to Call CSI - Maureen Brunetti

Once a week in a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, 3 patients died in a row. By coincidence they all died in the same bed, all on a Sunday morning, each at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

It wasn't until the third death that one of the nurses made the connection that the three deaths seemed to be linked.

This puzzled the doctors. One doctor suggested it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday. They called the police, but there was absolutely no evidence of foul play. In anticipation of the upcoming 4th Sunday, a worldwide team of medical experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

Two detectives and a parapsychologist accompanied them as well. Including the nurses, there were a dozen people on the floor pretending to go about their duties, but in reality they were all watching Bed 17 out of the corner of their eye. The tension mounted that Sunday morning as 11 am approached. What the terrible phenomenon could be causing this problem?

All eyes surreptitiously focused on Bed 17 where a man slept unconscious in a coma using an assisted breathing machine. Would this poor man become the fourth victim of the Curse of Bed 17?  

The religious were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. The superstitious looked everywhere for omens.  One detective had his hand on his gun as he pretended to be a doctor.  No way he was going to allow another homicide if he could help it!

A couple minutes after the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the 65-year old part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system of Bed 17 so he could use the most convenient outlet in the area for his vacuum cleaner.


June CS 39: Shortest Joke of the Year - Judy Walsh

A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."


June CS 40: Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer - Chris Holmes

Robert's father was not doing very well. A terminal illness had entered the final phase. The doctors gave the elderly man a couple months to live.

Robert got the bad news. Outwardly he frowned, but inwardly he was thrilled!

Robert was due to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died. The man was a widower and had also outlived all his relatives and most of his friends.

Robert and his father had never gotten along well. The old man could barely stand his rotten nature, his gambling, his womanizing, his drinking, and laziness.  Robert had barely worked a day in his life, preferring to suck off of his father's wealth instead.  His parasitic lifestyle didn't bother him at all.

"So what if he doesn't like me?" Robert thought. "I'm his only heir.  The old man's got plenty of dough. Heck, why bother working?"  Of course Robert didn't like his father's constant needling, but he had gotten used to it.  Who cares?  Let him rant and rave as long as the money kept coming like it always did.

What a cosmic joke!  Once his jerk of a father died, Robert was set for life.

Robert was getting friskier by the moment thinking of all the things he was going to do with that dough.  He decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So Robert went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. He thought of a quick way to get into her pants.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars.  Show me a good time tonight and I'll take you on a trip anywhere you want to go!"

The woman raised an eyebrow. She let Robert buy her a drink and sit beside her. As she sipped her drink, she asked him a couple questions to see if he was on the level.

Robert could see she dug him. Her smile grew broader with each tale he told her about the money. Later that night the woman indeed went home with Robert.

As they pulled into his driveway of the house his father had bought for him, Robert couldn't help but be pleased that his clever ploy had worked so effortlessly. This woman couldn't wait to get her hooks into him!  The only trip she was going on was right here in his bed.  In fact, he decided to have some fun and make her envious. He taunted her all night long with the things a guy like him could do with that kind of money. He knew that kind of talk would drive a gold digger like her wild with temptation!

He had been right about her.  He bragged about his money all night long. The woman just smiled quietly, but he could tell she listened to every word he said about what a fool his father was.

Four days later she became his stepmother.  Four days after that there was a new will.
 

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The Holy Land – Stephanie Barrow

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

 

The College Term Paper – Judy Walsh

 A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

Below is the A+ short story:

"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is."

 

Sex In The Dark – Judy Walsh

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

Shipwrecked – Chris Holmes

Ed finally decides to take a vacation.  He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life -- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies.... Nothing but bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.

In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from?  How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says.  "I landed here when our cruise ship sank. Don’t you remember me from the Disco?"

"Amazing," he says.  "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."  

"Oh, this?" replies the woman.  "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed.  "You had no tools or hardware.  How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.  "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.  I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.  After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.  As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.  Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed.  "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies.  "I have a still.  How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.  "WOW!  This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines' strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.  "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time.  You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.  You know what I mean??" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean .", he swallows excitedly; "I can check my e-mail from here?!"
 

The Mailman – Judy Walsh

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.  As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.  This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.  We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us with only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.  Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.  "Your name came up four or five times." 

 

The Midget and the Horse – Gary Richardson

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.  His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.  "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.

Nith lookin horth.  Can I thee her eyeth"?  So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?  So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?  The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?  Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephraths that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

 

The Hooker and the Lawyer – Tom Easley

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. 

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. 

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100-dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really," she said, "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

Why Men Wear Earrings – Judy Walsh

 A man is at the gym one day when he notices that his co-worker and workout buddy is wearing an earring.  Then he notices him pulling on a pair of pink underwear. This is a definite eyebrow raiser.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings and pink panties."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"And the pink panties?  They barely fit you."

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing a woman's earring and panties?"

"Ever since my wife found them in the toolbox in my truck."

 Prince Charles and the Genie - John Hall
 
Bonny Prince Charles was backing his Land Rover out of the garage when he ran over the Queen's favorite Welsh corgi. He got out and found the corgi dead, squashed to a pulp.
 
The Prince was devastated. What a sad thing to happen! 
 
One of his aides offered to help, but the Prince brushed everyone away. "I'll will bury the dog myself," he said. "Just bring me a spade."
 
With that, Prince Charles gathered up the limp, squashed body of the poor little dog and carried it to the garden. There he began to dig a hole. As he cried over the loss of this friendly animal, he systematically shoveled the dirt out of the hole and dropped it in a pile. Then to his surprise, the spade hit something metallic and gave a clang. Prince Charles reached down and pulled out the object. It looked like a lamp.
 
Charles dusted it off to get a better look when suddenly a Genie materialized in a cloud of vapor.  The Genie looked Charles in the eye and said "Your highness, I can give you one wish!  What would you like?"
 
The Prince pointed to the lifeless animal and said "This is mummy's favorite dog. Can you bring it back to life?"
 
 The Genie said "Let's have a look at the dog. Oh no, nothing can be done with this dog, you ran over it with the Land Rover. There is too much damage to the dog ... even with all my powers, nothing can be done."
 
"But you must try!" says the Prince, "It's mummy's favorite!"
 
"I'm sorry" said the Genie shaking his head, "there's no way I can bring it back to life."
 
 "OK" said the prince with a shrug of his shoulders. "But do I still have a wish?"
 
 "Yes, of course", said the Genie.
 
 "Well", said the Prince, "I just married Camilla.... could you make her as beautiful as Diana was?"
 
 The Genie thought for a while then said, "Let's have another look at the dog!"

Best New Jokes - April 2005
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Best New Jokes - March 2005
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The Lottery Winner - Leroy Ginzel

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out!!"


Eleven People Hanging on a Rope - Lynn Griffiths

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily
let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands in appreciation.


Eighteenth Birthday - Leroy Ginzel

Today be my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "You ain't my daddy .... and watch the 'spression on yo face."


The Synagogue Audit - Judy Walsh

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking
the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his own particularly obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that this inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers. Every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from he circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, getting tired of this unusually rude auditor. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."


The Coma - Gary Richardson

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denefew."


Hollywood Squares - Mae Neihouse

Remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics? These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.


The Old Sausage Trick - Gary Richardson

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have .87 cents; how much do you have?"

His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"

The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and gets a great idea. "Hey here's what we can do, "he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into the bar and order our drinks; after we drink all the drinks we want, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They will kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay anything!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. After several more rounds, the first drunk whips out the sausage and the second starts sucking on it.

The bartender yells "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" The two men run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues throughout the night.

At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey pull out that sausage and let's eat it.

"Sausage?" Says the first drunk. "I think I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"


Money and Marriage - Phyllis Porter

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years. Each time he thought it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. He started to cry as he said it was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning. Therefore they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million. She added that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. Then she explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"



Estrogen, Pregnancy and Women - Anita Williams

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Best New Jokes - February 2005
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Alligator Shoes - Gary Richardson

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but she was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch her self an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, where he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Astonished, he pulled over to the side of the levee to see what she was doing. Just then he spotted a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. His mouth dropped open as he watched her take aim with lightning speed and shoot the creature right between the eyes without even flinching. With a great deal of effort she hauled it all by herself onto the slimy swamp bank. That's when the shopkeeper noticed several more of the dead creatures were lying nearby.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank and stared incredulously as the blonde struggled mightily until she was able to flip the massive alligator on its back. Then the blonde screamed a profanity in great frustration. She shook her fist heavenward in anger and shouted out, "Dang, this stupid alligator is barefoot too!!"


Hillary Clinton - Leroy Ginzel

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk, she has a "question and answer" period. One little boy raises his hand and the Senator asks him for his name.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third, whatever happened to all those things you and Bill took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the children that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

This time a different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him for his name.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First, whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to my best friend Kenneth?


Husbands and Wives - Leroy Ginzel

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 AM. Wake up, stupid."


Classic One-Liners - Anita Williams

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Kentucky ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have