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MARCH
COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH
- SSQQ PLAGIARIZES ANOTHER WEB SITE |
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Last month I posted an article called "Kid Pictures". It was scathing satire
directed at some pathetic little doodles scribbled by kids. Even though the
entire page was in extremely poor taste, when I was certain no one was
looking I admit I laughed out loud at some of the sarcastic comments made by
the author. Shame on wicked me (but I liked it!)
A former ssqq instructor sent me this article about three years ago. She
would be mortified if I ever revealed her identity. It took me three years
to get around to posting it because the sarcasm is so savage. And naturally
I ended up getting punished, as you will soon see. I felt guilty about
publishing it, so in an odd way I am glad I was caught and given a good
reason to get rid of the page.
You will probably say I got exactly what I deserved. You're probably right.
One day about three weeks after I posted the 10 pictures on the ssqq web
site, I received two emails back to back accusing me of plagiarism.
-----Original Message-----
From: lakshmi (mailto:maddox@xmission.xmission.com) On Behalf Of maddox
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2004 6:48 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Plagiarized.
The page you have posted here:
http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/kidpictures.htm
Was written by me. Here's the original:
http://maddox.xmission.com/irule.html
http://maddox.xmission.com/irule2.html
Please remove it. Thanks.
Maddox
REPLY
-----Original Message-----
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2004 9:17 AM
To: maddox
Subject: Plagiarized.
I apologize for my mistake and promise you it will not happen again.
The material was sent to me in an email with no attribution. I had no idea
who was responsible for the work.
The page has been removed.
Rick Archer
-----Original Message-----
From: lakshmi On Behalf Of maddox
Sent: Wednesday, February 18, 2004 2:13 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: Plagiarized.
Thanks for being cool about it, I appreciate it.
Maddox
I must say, this guy Maddox really knows his HTML stuff. When I got the
original pictures, there was no identification on them at all. But when I
went back to the web site, there on each picture was the address of Maddox's
web site. That was so weird. I do not know how he did that. It was exactly
like using invisible ink. First you don't see it, now you do. Too weird!
Even my computer guru friend Gary Richardson didn't know how he did it after
I showed him my puzzle.
Let me explain further. When I originally posted the Kid Pictures on the
ssqq web site, I had no idea who owned them. But when I got the email
telling me I had plagiarized the pictures, like a ghost the web site address
magically NOW appeared on each picture. I don't know if he was able to
activate something or how he found me. My guess is the ten pictures had some
sort of hidden time delay system because suddenly I got two plagiarism
emails in a row from two different sources. Talk about BUSTED!
Plagiarism is a huge problem on the Internet. I get sent so many jokes for
example. I know they are published somewhere else, one of my students sees a
good one, so they cut and paste it on to me. It's pretty easy to do.
I have a section of my web site devoted to something called the Einstein
Puzzle. It was sent to me back in 1998 just as the Internet was starting to
spread out to more users. I got in at the ground floor with this puzzle. Now
six years later, my puzzle has been around so long that I have dozens of
people emailing me each week about it. My page listing the puzzle is one of
the top 10 most visited pages for the two words "Einstein Puzzle" according
to Google. And my point is that I didn't make up this puzzle at all. Someone
else made it up and someone else copied it and sent it on to me.
Plagiarism?? I think it is only plagiarism when you know where it came from.
If it is an interesting item and you don't know the source, then I have
never felt bad about adding it to the web site. Only three times have I
received any complaints. The first one I can't remember what it was about,
but I removed it back in 1999. The second one was about an article on "Night
Club" that I published. Once the author identified himself, I added links to
his web site and that made him happy.
There is a wonderful site on the Internet known as the Snopes Urban Legend
Page. ( http://www.snopes.com
)
It debunks most of the nonsense that flies
around the Internet very effectively. It is so awesome that someone spends
the time to actually track down stories and try to make sense of them. A
good example is something called the Stella Awards given to the most
outrageous lawsuits from each year. I read a couple of the Stella stories
and they made me so mad I was ready to hate every lawyer in America more
than I ever thought possible for the stupid lawsuits they represent. But
after checking with Snopes, I discovered most of these stories were total
hokum. I felt much better.
Here is a good example:
"Best Lawyer Story Of the year, decade and probably the
century...
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a valid policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was
obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the
rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used
against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine. This
is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers
Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA...NO WONDER OTHER COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!!!"
I thought this story sounded fishy, so I checked it out on Snopes. Sure
enough, it was listed and sure enough, it was nonsense. Too bad, it was a
fun story. I liked this one, but nevertheless I reported back to the person
who sent it to me that it was a fairy tale. He like me was disappointed to
find out it was false.
Let me say in my experience when it comes to anything you read on the
Internet, if it seems too far-fetched to be plausible, it almost always
turns out to be false.
Back in the early days of the SSQQ Web Site, I would actually quote the
Snopes people on issues they debunked as a favor to students who would ask
me about stories such as the one above. One day a Snopes representative
emailed me using strong language to suggest I stop doing that. I pointed out
I always attributed my information directly to them. After they took a
closer look, they realized I was telling the truth and calmed. But from then
on out of respect for their sensitivity, I stopped quoting them as well.
No one likes to be exploited.
That said, I must say I didn't appreciate the second email accusing me of
plagiarism at all. Here it is:
-----Original Message-----
From: poo poopo
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2004 6:07 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Kids' pictures
Hey, asshole, you stole the kids pictures from "http://maddox.xmission.com/"
take it down you plagerists.
Hey, by the way, the comments you added suck, you actually managed to steal
good material and turn it into shit, way to go fuckheads.
REPLY
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Tuesday, February 17, 2004 10:34 PM
To: poo poopo
Subject: Kids' pictures
I am unaccustomed to receiving emails from a moron, but I suppose anyone who
calls himself "poop poop" can't be expected to represent the high end of the
intelligence spectrum.
I was unaware I was "plagiarizing". It was sent to me three years ago
without any explanation. I have removed it.
Rick Archer
Editor's Note: It was likely a fan of the Maddox web site who sent the
second email. As you noticed, the first letter was professional. I don't
blame Mr. Maddox for resenting having his work stolen. He may be coarse and
profane, but he is also very funny. His work is very creative. And I am sure
he prefers to keep his own work for his own uses.
After taking a look at the original page where my material came from, I see
that Maddox runs one of the most popular web sites on the Internet. Let me
will tell you one thing - I am DEEPLY IMPRESSED by whatever technology it is
that he uses to guard his work. Having his web addresses pop up like that on
pictures from my own web site was way too scary. This guy Maddox is way over
my head when it comes to web tricks. I am not worthy.
By the way, if you wish to view the forbidden material, click here:
http://maddox.xmission.com/irule.htm
http://maddox.xmission.com/irule2.html
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BEST NEW JOKES OF THE
MONTH |
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Over the years, we have
been sent countless numbers of jokes by our Newsletter Readers.
We have kept what we thought were the best. At this point
we have now have a Hall of Fame collection of over 600 jokes.
Many of them are real gems. We rotate these jokes on a monthly
basis so over the year you get to read them all.
In addition to our
"Classics", we also get many new jokes each month sent in by our
students. This section contains our favorites. At
the end of each year we add these jokes to the "Immortal
Collection".
By the way, getting a
joke selected isn't very easy since we have been collecting
jokes for so long. It's tough to find a new one. So if you
send in a great joke and nothing ever happens, trust us - it is
already on the Web Site. If you don't believe us, email
and ask about your joke!! I am serious. I will show you
where the joke is.
We greatly appreciate any jokes you would like to submit. Send
them to Rick Archer at dance@ssqq.com
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THE CELESTIAL TRIO - Chris Holmes
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God
addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that
election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to
understand that now." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good.
Come and sit at my left."
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a
grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at
my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
………………
A BLONDE JOKE SO SUBTLE YOU HAVE TO BE A BRUNETTE TO FIGURE OUT - Chris Holmes
A female blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports
car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for
some I.D. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on
it."
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact,
opens it, and sure enough sees her picture. She hands the compact to the
blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes,
hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says, "If you
had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could
have avoided this whole thing."
………………
CONVERSATION ON A PLANE - Judy Walsh
Two strangers were seated next to each other on a plane. The guy turned to
the cute blonde next to him and made his move.
"Let's talk." he said. "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the passenger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first: a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same
stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"
"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
So tell me," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
………………
THE COWBOY BOOTS - Crista Reuss
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a
table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy
if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am.
Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid fer mah services before,"
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit."
………………….
WHY SSQQ INSISTS ON NAME TAGS - Carole Nelson
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now
don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For three minutes she just stared and glared and
frowned at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
…………………………………………
WATCH WHAT YOU SPEAK, NOT WHAT YOU EAT - Chris Holmes
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
……………………..
THE DOG AND THE TELEPHONE - Chris Holmes
An elderly lady phoned the telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in
his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right
away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain
and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on
the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.
Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
………………………..
THE BLONDE GOES TO A FOOTBALL GAME - Gary Richardson
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing that poor man for 25 cents. It was so barbaric!"
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all the other team kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd
do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!"
…………………….
HEAVEN AND HELL - Chris Holmes
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a
truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts
him to the elevator, and he goes down, down, down into Hell.
The doors open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf
course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very
happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and reminisce about the
good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They
play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing a jig and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that,
before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big
hug and invites him back while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him...
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must
choose where you want to spend eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never
have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but it's kind of ho hum
after the kind of life I have led. I think I would be better satisfied in
Hell. They seem to be more my kind of people."
St. Peter smiles and says, "I thought so too. Truer words were never said."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes
into Hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in
rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot,
hot and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly
lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before yesterday I was
here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar
and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Yesterday was Campaign
Day... today you voted for us."
……………………
HARLEY-DAVIDSON - Chris Holmes
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with
God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God
immediately recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, " Ah, Yes sir, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, Sir, but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well sir," said Arthur, "professional to professional, I think you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at low speed or high speed. In fact it never shuts
up.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. Frequently it is difficult to turn even when you need it bad.
5. And the energy need to maintain it properly is outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours..."
…………………
INDIAN STORY - Judy Walsh
This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian name
given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this
torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will
kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he
ravaged her all day, he ravaged her all night, he ravaged her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone
meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after
many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he ravaged her
all day, ravaged her all night, ravaged her all the next day, ravaged her
all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
…………………
KITTY HEAVEN - Bett Sundermeyer
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have
been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the
asking."
The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and
slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some
little roller skates, we would never have to run again.
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been
sending over are delicious!"
………………
MAD WIFE DISEASE - Crista Reuss
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him
and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine "Ouch!! What was that
for?" he asked.
"That was for the race track ticket in your pants pocket with the name 'Mary
Lou' written on it," she replied.
"Oh for goodness sakes. Two weeks ago when I went to the races, and 'Mary
Lou' was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him
out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
"Your horse called to ask if you could meet her at the race track."
……………………
NAUGHTY BOY - Chris Holmes
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was
her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down
when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called
and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome
and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love
to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards
my car.
Just as I passed the porch, I saw my future father-in-law as he was coming
out from the bushes. He must have been watching through the window. Behind
him I saw my fiancée who had been watching through the window beside him.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family!!"
The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.
…………………..
THE PREGNANCY - Gary Richardson
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for
two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair
and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll
take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores,
a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it
is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then I definitely think you should try
again."
……………………..
THE PRESCRIPTION - Crista Reuss
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist looked at her and said, " Why in the world do you need
cyanide? That stuff is deadly!"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both
of us in jail and I'll lose my license!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with another woman and handed it to the pharmacist. "I have a feeling
you know this woman."
The pharmacist was shocked to realize it was his wife in bed with a strange
man. The pharmacist looked at the picture a second time, then replied, "Well
now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
………………………..
THE TEXAS HUNTERS - Judy Walsh
A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of a twelve-point buck. It was pretty much the biggest deer they had
ever seen.
After admiring the deer for several minutes, someone asked, "Hey. Where's
Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He was carrying this deer and just keeled
over. Too much for him. I think he's dead. I left him a couple of miles back
up the trail," the hunter replied.
"You mean you left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired of him.
"Yeah. A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"
…………………………
THE RECENT SUPERBOWL - Judy Walsh
After-game Highlights....
President Bush called the Patriots and complimented them on a great game.
Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.
Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
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SSQQ EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH |
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PATTY OR HOLMES AND BETHANY DANIELS |
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This award goes to an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the
call of duty. In any given month, there are always at least 100 quiet
acts of simple kindness performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the
person gets no credit, but our organization benefits from the gratitude.
The problem for me is that these many moments usually occur way under my
radar. So if you have an instructor to nominate, please
let me know and why!!
dance@ssqq.com
On the other hand,
sometimes the move is dramatic enough to catch my eye so I can say something
about it.
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Original Message-----
From: Babak Fazeli
Sent: Tuesday, January 27, 2004 7:06 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Bethany Daniels and Patti Or
Hi Rick,
I would like to commend two of your employees, Bethany Daniels and Patti Or.
I am from San Diego, where I conduct clinical trial by day, and teach
ballroom, latin, and nightclub by night. As I have been dancing
competitively since 1990 and teaching since 1995, I have been through and
around quite a few studios and interacted with many competitive dancers and
instructors. I have become quite disenchanted with the prevalence of petty
politics, backstabbing, cold shoulders and holier-then-thou attitudes. I
love dancing and teaching, but all of the junk that comes with it can be
demoralizing.
Knowing that I had to be in Houston for a week, I looked for a place to
dance, discovering your studio's home page. Once in Houston (and after a 14
hour day), I attended your Monday night practice session. I quickly met
Bethany, Patti, and a gentleman who's name I forget (which happened sometime
while dancing with Bethany, I think). All three of them made me feel
comfortable and included, and put great effort into seeing that I was
introduced to several other people. Of course, Bethany and Patti were
excellent dancers.
Toward the end of the practice session, when they learned that I was going
to be in town to the end of the week, one of the two (I'm not going to tell
you which) mentioned dancing at the Melody Ballroom on Wednesdays. In the
world of petty, backstabbing ballroom dance, promoting dancing at another
venue is, in the words of Captain Jack Sparrow, "No! Not good!" Where other
studios would frown upon or discipline such actions, your employees were
quite forthcoming. It shows that the culture of your studio and your
employees attitudes are to dance and to teach dance for the sake of dance,
and not for personal gain, power, or material wealth. I have yet to find
another studio that is so enlightened.
Recently, upon reading your February newsletter, I learned that the night I
attended had the lowest turnout in years. While I recognize that declining
attendance usually leads to schedule changes, it did make me regret that I
was unable to attend the Thursday practice, which both Bethany and Patti
recommended vigorously, to see the studio in full swing.
If you wouldn't mind, please pass this on to Bethany and Patti, with my
thanks. Should they ever come to San Diego, I will return the hospitality.
Thanks!
Babak M Fazeli
San Diego, CA 92130 USA
----- Original Message -----
From: Rick Archer
To: Babak Fazeli
Sent: Wednesday, February 04, 2004 10:02 AM
Subject: Bethany Daniels and Patti Or
What a nice letter, Mr. Fazeli. Of course I will pass it on to Patty and
Bethany.
Our dance studio takes prides in being friendly and open. I have always
chosen my instructors based on their warmth just as much as their dancing
ability. Bethany and Patty exude warmth in addition to their obvious dancing
excellence.
Although as a studio owner, I admit I reflexively rolled my eyes at their
revelations regarding an obvious business competitor and vowed to torture
both till the truth came out. Then I thought about it for a second and
realized that knowing these two they would quickly size up the situation and
recognize that as a visitor from out of town the right thing to do is inform
you of different dance venues. In this situation they acted as a
representative of the City of Houston and I fully support their actions.
My point is, these women think for themselves and see the places where to
make an exception rather than blindly pretend that ssqq is the only place to
dance. They may drive me slightly nuts, but think how blessed I am to have
people of this caliber working for me.
By the way, the evening you chose to visit was actually a turning point in
the studio's history. If you are curious, visit our Newsletter and click on
the story titled "RICK ARCHER ADMITS HIS FIRST MISTAKE IN 25 YEARS."
http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/news2004february.htm
Again, thank you for your nice letter and please visit us again on your next
trip to H-Town.
Rick Archer
-----Original Message-----
From: Babak Fazeli
Sent: Wednesday, February 04, 2004 12:11 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: Re: Bethany Daniels and Patti Or
Hi Rick,
Thank you for the reply and for passing it on. My understanding though, was
that women are supposed to drive us men slightly nuts. That is why we are
intrigued by them . . . . .
Babak
-----Original Message-----
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Wednesday, February 04, 2004 1:28 PM
To: Babak Fazeli
Subject: employees of the month Bethany Daniels and Patti Or
Touché.
(Editor's Note: By the way, the lovely Patty Or is now the lovely Patty
Holmes. She is one of the three ladies who all got married on the same day
last November. And let me add that Patty's birthday is on Saint Patrick's
Day. I am told this coincidence had something to do with her decision to
adopt this English name when she moved from Hong Kong to the USA just one
step ahead of the Chinese takeover back in the late 80s. Be sure to give her
a big hug on St. P Day in March!!
Bethany Daniels is off for a three-week trip to Israel. Like any
over-protective father, I worry about the danger, but I guess she is a big
girl and can take care of herself. I obviously pray that she returns safely.
RA)
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LOGIC PUZZLE
RESULTS |
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THE WINNERS OF THE
FEBRUARY SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE:
SSQQ MARRIAGE GOSSIP |
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THE SSQQ SUMMER CRUISE TRIPS!
The February puzzle dealing with Cruise Trips was extremely difficult. We
had only 4 winners this month. Susan Arevalo sent it to me with the comment
that she had found it extremely tricky.
So I gave it a try and decided I agreed with Susan - this was a very
difficult puzzle! Eventually after much anguish I solved it, but not without
much sweat and frustration. Naturally I wished to pass my torment onto
others. I must have succeeded because only 5 people were able to solve it.
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Announcing the 2004
February
Logical Celebrities!! |
1. Cynthia Roney (First time winner!)
2. Jeff and Connie Woodman (Eight months in a row!)
3. Ann Faget (Eight months in a row!)
4. Ritesh Laud (First time winner!)
5. Susan Arevalo (Seven months in a row! - she submitted it, therefore isn't
it logical to suppose she also solved it?)
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After last month's puzzle, we had three leaders - the Woodmans (Jeff and
Connie) who solve these things like clockwork, the new dark horse leader Ann
Faget, and the Puzzle Queen Mara Rivas. They all had solved seven puzzles in
a row.
This month when I totaled up the winners I realized Mara was not among them.
I emailed her to ask where her results were. Panic-stricken she wrote back
and said she had forgotten all about it.
Mara sent in her answers twice, but they were slightly off. I am very sorry
to say the SSQQ Puzzle Queen bit the dust this month. I feel very sad.
Mara is so like me. What she lacks in genius, she makes up for with
persistence and hard work. I can say the same for myself. Whatever wattage
might be missing can be amplified through hard work and determination. When
it comes to 'determination', Mara is the epitome. But now she has fallen by
the wayside. Will she pick herself up and try again next month? Or will she
be too bitter to continue? I will let you know.
So now it is down to Ann Faget versus the Woodmans with Susan Arevalo just a
month behind. This month's puzzle isn't tough enough to intimidate any of
this bunch so I don't expect much change in the standings.
By the way, we could use some new players in the SSQQ Logic Club. Check out
this month's new puzzle and send me an answer!!
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THE NEW LOGIC PUZZLE |
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THE MARCH
SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE: THE FAMILY TREE
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http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle16.htm
There has been a complaint that the last few SSQQ Logic Puzzles have been
too difficult.
Personally speaking, my attitude is that if I can solve them, so can anyone
else.
But this month I decided to ease up a little and offer one that is
challenging, but not so tough.
Have you ever listened to someone at a wedding with a large family talk
about cousin this, sister that, brother in law, great aunt, blah blah, and
you wish you had a pencil to diagram a flow chart just to keep up with all
the names? Well, this puzzle should remind you of a conversation like this.
It is tricky, but with a little concentration you should be able to get it.
Get your pencils ready. Get your ruler ready. Get some paper for that graph.
On your mark, get set, Click that mouse!
http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle16.htm |
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PUNISHMENT |
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THE WORST SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH
(There is no such thing as a
good pun...) |
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The Vegetable Tragedy
Contributed by Judy Walsh
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have
her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but
that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his
wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar
as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor
the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle
the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and
observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS" |
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THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH |
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MUGWUMP - Submitted by Ann Faget
MUGWUMP: A regular member who bolts a party and adopts an independent
position; one who is undecided or neutral (as in politics) often as a result
of an inability to make up his mind, a fence sitter. (Historically, a bolter
from the Republican party in the election of 1884.)
"He's too much of a mugwump to be a politician."
"The question divided the party caucus, with the partisans lined up pro and
contra, and the mugwumps sorely perplexed."
(Editor's Note: I think this is a dangerous word. If you call someone a 'Mugwump',
you better be sure they have an extensive vocabulary or else be ready to
duck. I for one had not a clue what it meant and feel energized from adding
to my vocabulary. I intend to call everyone a "Mugwump" in class this month
as a way to see the extent of Newsletter reading.
Thank you, Ann!
By the way, everyone gets to play this game. Ann sent hers in just a couple
weeks ago. If you have a good vocabulary word, send it in!! Best word each
month gets a free practice night. Be sure to add a sentence!
dance@ssqq.com)
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SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND
ROMANCE!! |
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SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: NO ONE GETS MARRIED OR ENGAGED THIS
MONTH!
Nobody admitted to getting engaged in February. Valentine's Day was a big
flop. Humbug. I am so Bummed!
I bet there was a Romance that no one told me about. C'mon, people, give it
up! Dish some gossip. You know something you haven't told me yet. Send it
in. If you want to be anonymous, that's cool, I don't care. Make 'em up if
you want to! Just give me some names!
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VENUS AND MARS |
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THE VENUS AND MARS OBSERVATION FOR MARCH
Contributed by Judy Walsh
THE FEMALE PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks;
when he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to hit on my friend.
AMEN.
THE MALE PRAYER:
Dear God, I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar.
AMEN. |
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CLEAN SIDE |
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THE SSQQ CLEAN
SIDE JOKE PAGE
Clean Side Jokes |
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Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to
receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have
compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the
year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes"
column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your
jokes will become immortal!!
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Last year no one had a joke published in the March Newsletter so I don't
have any "Hall of Fame" entries to announce this month. Fortunately we have
24 jokes from earlier times to share, including several excellent Irish
jokes sure to raise a smile as we approach St Patty's Day!
March Clean Side Selections
March CS 01: The Irishman - Rodrigo Aranda
March CS 02: Men Bashing - Rick Archer
March CS 03: A Sure Sign of Stupidity - Gary Richardson
March CS 04: The Irate Customer - Robin Wagner
March CS 05: The Lazy Employee - Richard Bevis
March CS 06: Bad-Mouthed Cockatoo - Carel Von Staden
March CS 07: Watson and Holmes - Ted Jones
March CS 08: Bessie the Cow - Mike Gerstenberger
March CS 09: George Washington - Sharon Russell
March CS 10: Getting Smarter - Sharon Russell
March CS 11: The Bank Robbery - Sharon Russell
March CS 12: Blonde Story - Pat Roberts
March CS 13: Daughter's Big Mouth - Joseph Stuteville
March CS 14: Hillary at the Pearly Gates - Glen Hilford
March CS 15: The Good Luck Kiss - Mike Guillory
March CS 16: Sneaking into the Olympic Village - Mike Guillory
March CS 17: God, Moses, and Golf - Mike Guillory
March CS 18: Big City Lawyer & the Texas Rancher - Mike Guillory
March CS 19: Some People Just Can't Win - Mike Guillory
March CS 20: Winning the Contest - Mike Guillory
March CS 21: Dominated by Women - Pat Roberts
March CS 22: Watergate Aftermath - Robin Wagner
March CS 23: The Business Executive and Secretary - Susan Schroeder
March CS 24: Irish Shopping - Gerald McEathron
March CS 01: The Irishman - Rodrigo Aranda
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guiness brewery…"
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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BLUE SIDE |
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THE SSQQ
BLUE SIDE JOKES! |
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The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great
secrets of the SSQQ web site. It is
your reward for taking dance classes at SSQQ.
Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have
access.
All you need to do to get the address is to email me from
the email address you use to register for classes and request it.
dance@ssqq.com
Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world
and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of
“Dirty Jokes”, each month we manage to find one that is
printable. Please see below!!
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March Blue Side
March BS 01: Noah's Ark - Ralph Volz
March BS 02: Monkey at the Bar - Chris Holmes
March BS 03: The Golf Pro - Mark Katz
March BS 04: Help the Poor Guy Out - Ralph Volz
March BS 05: Flea Flicker - Bett Sundermeyer
March BS 06: The Genie - Gary Richardson
March BS 07: Identical Twins - Sam Demora
March BS 08: Sexual Dysfunction - Debbie Awad
March BS 09: The Toughest Cowboy - Mike Gerstenberger
March BS 10: The Vibrator - Karen Davidson
March BS 11: Attitude Adjustment - Richard Weisberg
March BS 12: Mother's Advice - Ralph Volz
March BS 13: The Spinster - Judy Walsh
March BS 14: African Roulette - Mike Gerstenberger
March BS 15: The General - Richard Bevis
March BS 16: The Gas Station - Michael Brockmyre
Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ
Students are invited into the inner sanctum of "Dirty Jokes", each month we
manage to find one that is printable. This next joke is one of my very
favorites. Enjoy!
March BS 16: The Gas Station - Michael Brockmyre
Late at night, a young man is taking his girlfriend for a spin in his new
sports car. As he shows off what the car can do, she is thrilled at the
speed. He decides to dare her.
"If I do 100 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirks.
"Oh, Yes!!" says his girlfriend excitedly. He smiles. This is a side of her
he hasn't seen before. Typically she is the biggest prude on earth. But now
as the speedometer climbs above 100, with a wicked smile he watches as she
begins to peel off all her clothes. They blow out of the convertible as the
wind catches them. Neither of them care - they are too turned on to notice!
Forgetting to keep his eyes on the road, the car hits a bump, skids onto
some gravel and flips over. The naked girl is thrown clear of the
convertible, but the young man is jammed beneath the steering wheel. He
can't move and probably has broken ribs.
"Go and get help!" he cries.
"But I can't! I'm naked, my clothes are gone, and I have no shoes!"
"For crying out loud, pull my boots off and put them on. When you get to
that gas station we passed, take them back off and cover yourself!"
This plan worked. Putting the boots on, the girl runs down the road and
finds the service station. Now she takes one boot off and strategically
places it over her privates while she hops on the other foot.
She pounds with one hand on the locked door. No one can hear her apparently.
In desperation, she sticks the boot between her thighs and pounds with both
fists. This works. A station proprietor comes to the door. She covers her
breasts with her hands as he opens the door.
"Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" she screams frantically.
The proprietor looks at the boot between her legs, scratches his chin and
says, "There's nothing I can do, lady. He's in too far!!"
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START OF THE SPECIAL FEATURES SECTION |
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SPECIAL FEATURE ONE |
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CITIBANK WANTS DEAD PEOPLE TO PAY UP!
Contributed by Pat Roberts
"My Aunt died this past January. Citibank billed her for February and March
for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now
was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her
to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being
dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)"
CitiBank: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"" |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
TWO |
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SPEAKING OF DEAD PEOPLE - Contributed by Pat Roberts
(Editor's Note: Pat sent in this fascinating story back in 2001. I think it
is actually a true story. If so, it is unbelievable!)
They say a government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin - it
won't work and you can't fire it. It appears the Post Office has raised the
postage rate again. Apparently business isn't very good and they need to
make more money. Doesn't it seem they are starting to raise the rate about
once every year??
Now here's an idea. Since the average post office is cluttered with "Wanted"
posters, why not put the faces of some of those criminals on postage stamps.
Not only would this help the average citizen lick crime, but why not let the
mailman look for the crooks while delivering the mail?? Then the reward
money could go towards retiring the post office deficit.
………………………………………..
Speaking of the Post Office, you too might have a co-worker who never seems
to even move any more. Here is an excerpt from the Birmingham Sunday Mercury
(7th Jan 2001) sent to me by Pat Roberts:
"Worker found dead at desk for 5 days. The executives of a publishing firm
are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had
been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was
feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader
at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office
he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but
nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he
was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said "George was always the first guy in each
morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he
was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was
always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem
examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a
coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died."
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. I have asked my
own Staff to periodically poke each other in the ribs just to be sure… |
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SPECIAL FEATURE THREE |
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THE STORY BEHIND LEAP YEAR
(Note: This article appeared in this month's issue of Microsoft's Encarta
Newsletter. An especially gifted author named Martha Brockenbrough wrote it.
I found this story to be very interesting.)
Dear Martha,
Why do we have leap year? And why aren't we required to leap?
And by the way, did you see what Miss Piggy did at the
Superbowl? (joke picture of the month
)
--Kermit the Frog
Dear Kermit,
Long ago, people needed to track the passage of days to assist with their
survival--and not just to plan their birthday parties and weekly therapy
sessions. These ancient people figured out that it took about 365 days to
rotate through the four seasons. About is the key word here. It actually
takes a little bit more than 365 days--about 365.25, in fact.
If we didn't have leap years, which are part of the Gregorian calendar that
we follow, we'd get six hours behind every year. It doesn't sound like a
lot, but over time, it adds up.
The adjustment doesn't sound too tricky, but again about is the key word. It
actually takes Earth a tiny bit less than 365.25 days to travel around the
Sun (365.242199, if you're keeping score).
To adjust for this, we skip the leap year three times each 400 years! We
don't "leap" on those "century" years that are divisible by 100, but not by
400. That is, we have a leap year every four years, except those when a new
century starts that is not a multiple of
400. This is why 2000 was a leap year, for example, but 1900, 1800, and 1700
were not.
February 2004 is considered bissextile--a word that sounds racy, but really
only means we get that extra day that comes with a leap year.
Coincidentally, 2004 marks the 50th anniversary of a failed attempt by the
United Nations to adopt a more accurate World Calendar. This would have been
really cool. The calendar would have given us a 52-week, 364-day year that
would have started on January 1 and ended with a dateless and dayless
Year-End Day.
Imagine that! A day with no date and no name. It would have been good and
freaky, and what's more, we would have gotten an extra one every fourth year
between June and July. According to Encarta's calendar experts, the big
problem with this approach is that it would have fussed with regular
religious holidays. But I'll bet the media, who are trained to slap days and
dates on everything, would have freaked out if this had been adopted. Banks
would probably gripe, too. How would you fill out the date on the check? And
employers might go nuts. How would people schedule meetings at work? Let's
meet at noon on Year-End Day?
These issues seem so trivial, though, when you consider that we could have
had the opportunity to experience days unhinged from the seven-day
straightjacket known as the week. It could have been a holiday, where people
were required to relax--do nothing, go nowhere, buy nothing, and simply
think about the value and meaning of time. Sure, it might have brought down
the American economy, but it definitely would have been a fun change of
pace, and a preferable path to financial ruin than, say, irrational
exuberance in the stock market.
The World Calendar, of course, wasn't the first attempt to keep our calendar
in tune with the seasons. The Gregorian calendar we follow is plagued with
12 months of varying lengths, uneven quarters, and shifting dates and days
of the week (which is why your birthday might be on a Monday one year and a
Tuesday the next). Even with its complicated adjustments, every year, the
Gregorian calendar gets us about 27 seconds off, which means that in about
3,200 years we'll be a day off--with leap years and all.
A 13-month solution called the International Fixed Calendar would have given
us 13 months with 28 days each followed by a Year Day that would be
associated with no week or month. We'd get an extra one of those after June
28 on leap years. Every month would start with a Sunday, and the extra
month, named Sol (presumably after the Sun and not somebody's uncle), would
fall between June and July. People didn't like this because it would have
meant moving national holidays, but what's nutty about that criticism is
that we could schedule national holidays so that they'd give us all three-
or four-day weekends, instead of the midweek breaks that we currently have
to juggle for certain holidays, such as Independence Day. Yeah, we'd have to
stop calling it the 4th of July, but celebrating on July 6th seems worth it
for a guaranteed three-day weekend.
And then there was the Perpetual Calendar, which the United States Congress
snubbed.
Weeks (and business quarters) would all start on Monday, which makes sense
for people who live in a world where quarterly reports are a big thing. They
probably would have had better luck with this if they'd called it the
Mondays Stink Already Calendar.
Perpetual anything sounds like a lot of work, especially for politicians who
are only on the hook to work 138 days each year. (In 1992 the average
American worked 226 days, according to the Economic Policy Institute Study
of Current Population Survey data, a trend that has gotten worse and only
proves my point that we need a blank day, just to unwind.)
You also asked why no one is required to leap. The only way to know for sure
would be to determine the etymological origin of the phrase leap year. Why
do we use the word leap? Why not something else, like bonus or extra year?
Unfortunately, no one knows for sure. But in America, it's probably because
our overworked people feel too tired to leap--unless it's into a nice, cozy
bed with a good book.
Still, Kermit, you can leap if you want to, and on any day of the year. It
may look silly, but exercise is good for your health.
And finally, no, Kermit, I missed what Miss
Piggy did at the Superbowl, but now that I have seen the sordid
picture I understand more fully why you would be preoccupied
with Leap Year and not with Miss Piggy. Write again soon!
Martha |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
FOUR |
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INNER THOUGHTS ON THE NATURE OF CHILDREN
Contributed by Lynn Griffiths
They say Insanity is inherited. This is likely true. Parents definitely
inherit insanity from their children. Doesn't it seem like no matter what
you tell them to do, they are bound to find a way to frustrate you? Some
cynics say the surest way of getting something done your way is to forbid
your kids to do it. This is definitely something to think about. Even
someone with a heck of lot more power than the rest of us had to learn this
hard way.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T DO IT!"
"Don't do what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? You mean we have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have
forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it as never
changed. Children are God's punishment to all us for the Original Sin.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly
tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on
yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would
be any easier for you?
Now here are some other things to think about when it comes to kids:
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort
to teach them good manners.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
whatever it is you shouldn't have said.
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids
probably knows why not.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that
there are children more awful than your own.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down, shut up and
listen.
No matter how hard you try to protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper. Or even worse appear on the
Internet in a video clip.
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young, but don't forget
that revenge is just around the corner. Always remind yourself that
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. And then
you can take the same satisfaction watching their hair fall out as God did
when Cain and Abel drove Adam and Eve insane.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
one day. And if you are extra nice or (more likely) especially gifted at
instilling guilt, they might even let you come live with them.
AND FINALLY: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
says on the bottle, "Take Two Aspirin" and most important of all "Keep Away
From Children!!"
(Editor's Note: If anyone should know a thing or two about raising children,
it is my amazing Aunt Lynn from McLean, Virginia. Not only did Lynn raise
four terrific kids of her own, she took wonderful care of her own mother as
well. And as for Lynn's reward for not murdering her young, at last count
she has 5 wonderful grandkids who give her so much pleasure! And if that
isn't enough, she even helped raise me too! Now all of you who know me will
agree that alone is quite an accomplishment!
Lynn Griffiths has always been the standard against which I measure all
Moms. I have seen a few women perhaps equal her talent, but as far as I am
concerned Aunt Lynn will never have worry about second place to anyone!) |
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SF FIVE |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
FIVE |
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BETTY THE SPY - A TRUE STORY ABOUT BETTY RICHARDSON FROM 1999
Written by Rick Archer
Editor's Note: Gary and Betty Richardson are two of my best friends here at the studio.
Every computer at SSQQ has been made at Gary's computer store, TFW
Computers. Not only has Gary built nearly twenty computers for me, he has
been close to 80 for members of the ssqq dance community. Go read the list
if you don't believe me -
http://ssqq.com/information/tfwcomputers01.htm
The following is a true story that Gary told to me about his beautiful wife's
adventure one summer several years ago. It is a very cute story that you
can't help but enjoy! RA
"Harriet the Spy" is one of my daughter Sam's favorite movies. It is the
story about a young girl who peeks through windows and around corners to
watch people in action, then writes down her impressions. She is quite
sneaky.
Betty and Gary Richardson drove up to Denton, Texas, over the May 15th
Weekend in 1999 to celebrate their son Chris' graduation from North Texas
State. Along with daughter Cindy and
son Mike, Gary and Betty are about to
achieve their
life-long dream of putting their three children through college.
What a proud moment this must have been for
Betty and Gary!
On the way Betty
surprised Gary by asking him to take a little detour over to Fort Worth.
Curious, Gary asked what was up.
Betty told him she had found out that her
father Bill liked to go Ballroom dancing every Friday night
at the Stardust Ballroom. This has been his hangout for 16 years. Betty
only sees
her father once or twice or year to begin with and she has never seen him dance.
Betty whispered to Gary that she has
a secret desire to watch her father in action on the dance floor. One
catch: Betty's Dad doesn't know she is coming. He doesn't even know she is
in town. That's okay with Betty. She wanted to see what her
Dad was really like in an
unguarded moment.
Gary pointed out that Betty didn't even know if he is going to be there.
After all he had been nursing a hurt foot and hadn't been dancing for nearly a month.
Betty replied
out her father mentioned on the phone he thought maybe he might try dancing
again this week. Gary pointed out that Fort Worth is a long way from Denton
for a 'maybe'. Betty said she doesn't mind. Gary pointed out he will have to
wear a coat and tie. Betty said she doesn't mind. Gary said he doesn't know
how to Ballroom Dance. Betty said she doesn't mind.
Gary was starting to figure out that whatever his excuse would
be, Betty wouldn't mind. She wanted to do this.
So fast-forward to Fort Worth on Friday.
Betty got Ready. She
was very glamorous in her beautiful black sequined
evening dress cut high. Betty always gets compliments on her lovely legs.
And then she put her hair way up the air so she is four inches
taller and added high heels so now she is six inches taller. She
was ready
to dance. Gary put on his tie and grumbled a little, but
seeing the
determined look in her eye decided not to say anything
more. Was Fort Worth Calling? Yes, it
was.
Betty and Gary arrived at 8:30 pm. They found an inconspicuous corner spot at
the Stardust and began to watch for Bill, Betty's father. Gary noticed the
crowd was in its seventies and eighties
and started to feel like a teenager again. Promptly at 9 Bill strode in wearing a sporty light blue blazer.
Gary wondered to himself if the coat could glow in the dark.
This coat was lighthouse kind of bright.
The whole room seemed to lighten a bit. Must
have been Bill's presence. Or maybe the coat had something to do
with it.
As Gary watched, it seemed that Bill
was quite popular. He danced every dance. Once he looked over to the
corner where Betty the Spy sat, but she quickly covered her face by looking
down. Gary wondered if perhaps Betty was sneakier than he
realized.
Then about twenty minutes after the dance started, a
"John Paul Jones" is announced.
(By the way if any of our readers has a clue why these dances are named
after the famous Naval hero, please let me know,
dance@ssqq.com).
This is a dance where everyone dances with
everyone. As Gary discovered, here at
the Stardust they don't get in two circles like here at SSQQ, but rather
just trade partners whenever the whistle blows.
Gary gave Betty a nudge. This
was of course the perfect chance to make her move.
But she
wasn't quite ready.
Betty wanted to study her father in action some more. Gary
nudged her again and pointed out there may not be a better chance for some time.
This made sense, so Gary and Betty hit the floor.
Gary was a little nervous
because he didn't have a clue how to Foxtrot.
Furthermore he was worried that Bill
might recognize him so he located himself far enough to hide but
close enough to watch. Okay.
Just how far away was that? About
twenty feet.
After five whistles, Betty suddenly ended up in her Dad's arms. His first
remark was, "Oh, aren't
I lucky!!"
Gary was interested in Bill's reaction.
At first Bill
was
clearly pleased to have such a young and pretty lady to dance with.
But after about ten
seconds had passed, Bill's
expression changed to a frown. Now he
clearly had begun to look at her
intently. Then Bill
said, "You know, you
sure look
a lot like my daughter."
"Oh really?" replied Betty, smiling at him. With her hair up, she had
changed her normal appearance quite a bit. They danced the Foxtrot some more. Bill didn't take his eye off Betty
for a moment.
Then Bill said, "You really do look a lot like my daughter. I have two of
them, but you look a lot like one of them."
"Oh really? What's her name?"
"Betty".
"Oh really?" Another smile from Betty.
"Is she pretty?"
"Why yes, actually she is very pretty." They
danced for a minute more. Bill ignored
the whistle to change partners. Betty just continued to quietly
dance and smile. Sometimes she looked at her father, sometimes
she watched the other people. She didn't want to make this easy
for her obviously flustered father. Finally Bill asked, "By
some chance are you
are Betty?"
"Why Yes I am!" Betty announced with a grin.
Almost at that moment, the whistle
blew again. This time Betty
deliberately separated to dance with
a new partner,
leaving her father standing there flabbergasted.
Fortunately some woman grabbed Bill to
get him moving again. Betty watched her father Bill finish
the song out of the corner of her eye.
He was in a trance.
Bill was still in shock even when the song
ended. In a daze, he walked over to
his table. Gary and Betty followed him waiting to be
greeted. Unfortunately Bill's social graces
were temporarily lost. He just
sat there speechless. He appeared to be stunned. The lion wasn't used to
being followed to his lair. Finally another gentleman sensed Bill's shock and
decided to help by pointing to some extra chairs
and inviting them to sit down. Betty and Gary joined Bill at the table.
Not much conversation ensued. Bill was quiet. Fortunately the music rescued
the awkward situation as Gary asked Betty to dance.
It took 30
minutes after the initial encounter for Bill
to finally snap out of his shock and
began to show his natural warmth. Bill started to smile.
Now he introduced Betty and Gary to everyone in the building.
Everybody thought Betty's trick was precious
and loved meeting her. And since there were several more
women than men, Gary was immediately put to work keeping the
extra ladies busy. For the rest of the three
hour party, Gary and Betty danced nearly every song.
Gary wasn't really interested in spying. He was more worried
about not knowing how to Ballroom Dance. The Orchestra played a
lot of Big Band music. He was greatly relieved
to
discover his Twostep could pass as a Foxtrot.
Once that he got his dance confidence back,
Gary found he was quickly becoming
quite popular! One 80-year old lady about 5
feet tall in a red dress called him "Sonny". This lady couldn't get enough
of Gary! One time on another
John-Paul-Jones the red dress lady elbowed another woman
out of the way to get another dance with him! Gary complained that the women
were fighting over him so much they tired him out. I
tried to feel sorry for him until he mentioned he had led a
Twostep move called, "the Big Bad Wolf Step." Well, to these women, that is
like throwing a match on dry timber in the forest. Gary
never sat down
again. He danced the night away!
Gary also found out his Swing dancing worked just fine. And a Waltz was a Waltz
was a Waltz. His only insurmountable obstacle was a Rumba. One lady even
tried to teach him how, but Gary's hips didn't move quite the right way so
as a public service he sat back down.
Then came a Polka! Not George Straight, but a Lawrence Welk Oom-Pah
Polka. No matter. But Betty and Gary didn't
dance the Polka. Instead they decided to try the Whip
instead since the speed of the music was about right.
Betty's hips clearly worked better
than Gary's! And they worked just fine in front of Daddy no less!
Gary smiled when he remembered he
could still outrun her father if necessary. Everybody was watching and they
started to clap! Bill's eyes rolled out to the edge of his nose... is this
really my little girl?
Fortunately, Bill took it the right way. He said to Betty after she got off
the floor, "I have never in my life seen anything like that in my life. You
are a great dancer, young lady!"
I imagine Betty the Spy smiled. It was fun to be Daddy's
little girl again. She had way
too much fun that evening.
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SF SIX |
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FEATURES |
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SPECIAL FEATURE SIX |
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THE AMAZING SOUTHWEST AIRLINES LAWSUIT
"Eenie Meenie Minie Mo, Take a Seat, We Gotta Go!"
These immortal words have landed SW Airlines in court. They are
being sued by two irate passengers. You don't believe me?
You will after you read the story below in
just a second.
Sometimes in dance class, I need a lady student to demonstrate a move. For
lack of a better method, for the past twenty years or so I have used the
classic picking rhyme "eenie meenie minie mo".
I will start with the first
woman in the row then point to each
new lady as I go down the line, "eenie meenie minie mo, catch a lady by
the toe. If she hollers make her say I'll take lessons every day."
Stupid? Of course. Offensive? I hope not. No one has complained yet.
Effective? Absolutely. Someone always gets picked. Invariably they feel
paranoid about the entire process. When asked, they figured I was going
after them anyway and just used the stupid rhyme to cover my evil plans to
harass them. But they all agree the process is
harmless and soon over.
Did I say I have been doing it this way for twenty years? Yes I did.
Is
there any malice or hidden agenda? I swear on a stack of Bibles I never gave
any of this a second thought. I needed someone at random one day and the
rhyme came to my head.
Did I know this rhyme was once associated
with bigotry and racism. No, I did not, but now that I thought
about it, I did recall there was a version that included a nasty
racial slur.
While we are it, Did YOU
know this rhyme was once associated with bigotry and racism??
I have asked several people at the studio if they had the
slightest idea this rhyme could be considered a racial slur.
Maybe one in five vaguely remembered something. As our memories
from the 1950s and 60s fade, the nasty rhyme has become pretty
obscure. I had completely forgotten about it until this story
emerged.
Now you should read this
year-old article from the Chronicle:
HOUSTON CHRONICLE
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2003
RHYME WITH A PAST LEADS TO RACIAL SUIT AGAINST SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
Kansas City, Kansas
A judge has set a trial date in a discrimination lawsuit filed against
Southwest Airlines by two black passengers who were upset when a flight
attendant recited a version of a rhyme with a racist history.
Grace Fuller, 48, and her sister, Louise Sawyer, 46, were returning from Las
Vegas two years ago when flight attendant Jennifer Cundiff, trying to get
passengers - who are not assigned seats - to sit down, said over the
intercom, "Eenie, meenie, minie, mo; pick a seat, we gotta go."
The sisters say the rhyme was directed at them and was a reference to its
racist version that predates the Civil Rights era.
"It was like I was too dumb to find a seat," Fuller said. Sawyer said fellow
passengers snickered at the rhyme, which made her feel alienated.
The sisters are seeking unspecified compensatory and punitive damages.
US District Judge Kathryn Vratil last week dismissed the claims of physical
and emotional distress but set a trial for March 4.
"The court agrees with plaintiffs that because of its history, the phrase 'eenie
meenie minie mo could reasonably be viewed as objectively racist and
offensive," Vratil wrote.
In the modern version of the rhyme, the second line goes, "Catch a tiger by
the toe."
Airline attorney John Cowden said there was no intent to discriminate
against any passenger.
Cundiff, who is white and was 22 at the time of the incident, said she had
never heard the offensive version of the rhyme. She said she learned the
Southwest Airline version from co-workers and used it as a funny way of
getting fliers to sit down.
Plaintiffs attorney Scott Wissel said the sisters also want Dallas-based SW
Airlines to stop using the rhyme and provide employee training to prevent
such incidents.
…………….
Southwest Airlines Cleared in Race Discrimination Lawsuit
By David Thibault
CNSNews.com Managing Editor
January 23, 2004
(CNSNews.com) - A federal jury has decided that a Southwest Airlines flight
attendant did not discriminate against two black passengers when she used a
nursery rhyme to get passengers to pick their seats.
The plaintiffs, Grace Fuller and her sister Louise Sawyer, both of Kansas
City had filed suit, objecting to the flight attendant's use of the rhyme
that begins with the words, "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe."
"Eenie, meenie, minie, moe; pick a seat, we gotta go," flight attendant
Jennifer Cundiff said over the plane's public address system in February
2001 as the Southwest flight was about to leave Las Vegas.
As CNSNews.com reported on April 16, 2003, Fuller alleged in the lawsuit
that Cundiff's recitation reminded her of a racist version of the rhyme that
includes a derogatory term for African Americans.
"Eenie, meenie, minie, moe; catch a n***** by his toe ..." was used as far
back as the mid-19th century, according to the earlier report on CNSNews.com
. The more modern version of the nursery rhyme substitutes the offensive
phrase with the words, "Catch a tiger by the toe."
Fuller had alleged that Cundiff caused her to suffer a small seizure on her
flight home and that later at home, she suffered a grand mal seizure that
required her to be bedridden for three days.
Cundiff testified in the trial that she had never heard the racist version
of the nursery rhyme and that she was only trying to add a dose of humor to
get her passengers into their seats so the plane could take off.
Fuller criticized the verdict, insisting that the all-white jury had
conspired against her and her sister.
"If we had jurors of our peers then we would have won the case today, and we
should have won the case today, with all the evidence shown," Fuller said.
"It's a shame that the jury pool we had to draw from did not have one black
and not one minority," she said. "Something has to be done to make sure
there is justice in America for blacks."
Fuller and Sawyer accused Southwest of violating a 1981 civil rights law
that bars businesses from discriminating against minority customers. They
said they decided to sue after the airline failed to take their complaints
seriously.
Scott Wissel, the attorney for the women, had argued in his closing argument
that Cundiff's use of the rhyme was the equivalent of a racial slur.
John Cowden, the lawyer for Southwest Airlines, said he was pleased with the
verdict because, "All along, Southwest Airlines has contended that it did
not intentionally discriminate against the two ladies."
Cowden had argued to jurors that the case, at best, was "an argument that
something [that] is not politically correct" and at worst, represented
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a Special Note
from Rick Archer about Email, the SSQQ Newsletter, and Spam.
I now receive an average of 150 spam emails a day. Because
I run a business where people email me at random from all over the world on
a variety of subjects, I am reluctant to install filters.
The problem with this kind of volume is the potential I
can accidentally delete valuable emails from ssqq students, especially when
I don’t recognize the name. To minimize this possibility, please be sure to
put a title with some thought behind it in the “Subject” box when you are
trying to contact us.
As for the SSQQ Email Newsletter, more and more people
report that it is being blocked at their jobs as “Spam”. This leaves me no
choice but to make the Email I send out as innocuous as possible.
For that matter you may stop receiving the SSQQ Email
Newsletter at any time for reasons that are out of my hands. A month ago, I
had over 600 Newsletter Emails sent to students with Yahoo accounts bounced
back to me. I contacted Yahoo and was given no explanation why the emails
bounced. It is tough to correct a problem when you don’t even know what is
causing it.
In the future, I suggest you automatically go to the
Newsletter on the SSQQ Web Site a couple days before classes start and read
the latest news whether you get an email reminder or not.
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NO STANDING IN LINE – SIGN UP ON-LINE (SSQQ ONLINE
REGISTRATION)
https://www153.ssldomain.com/ssqq/register/
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AND THAT’S A WRAP FOR THIS ISSUE (AND DON’T FORGET TO GO
TO THE WEB SITE FOR THE COMPLETE NEWSLETTER!!) As you can see, the SSQQ Newsletter is written to a large
extent by its readers. Many people contribute jokes, pictures, and
interesting items each month. Anyone is welcome to join the fun!
If you have any comments, suggestions, requests, complaints, jokes, pictures
or poetry to share, please send it to me, Rick Archer, at
dance@ssqq.com
And thanks for reading all the way to the bottom! …. I
might add I do have reason to believe some of you simply scroll to the
bottom to look for any little surprises I hide down here. ;-) Anyhow,
thanks to all for making it this far!
Rick Archer
SSQQ Dance Studio
4803 Bissonnet
Email:
dance@ssqq.com
Web:
www.ssqq.com
Phone: 713-861-1906
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