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WHAT'S NEW AT SSQQ THIS MONTH

STORY ONE

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THE SSQQ EXTRAVAGANZA!!

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STORY FIVE

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STORY SIX 

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STORY EIGHT

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STORY NINE

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STORY ELEVEN

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COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH:   WHY WAS THE FRIDAY INTERMEDIATE WESTERN WALTZ CLASS
CANCELED FOR AUGUST?

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Tuesday, August 3, 2004 10:55 AM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: RE: Your Waltz Class

What happened to the Int waltz class in August?  You were our instructor a couple years ago and we were ready to make a comeback just because you were teaching it. My wife and I have been waiting for two months to take your class!

(Editor's Note: Including four verbal discussions at the studio, I have now had eight different inquiries unhappy about the loss of the Intermediate Western Waltz class. Here is the story.)
 

ORIGINAL COMPLAINT

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Friday, July 30, 2004 10:55 AM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: RE: Your Waltz Class

“Curious to read all of your complaints this month.   Especially to see if they are what I suspect they will be about.   I have certainly heard a lot of complaining from the Thursday and Friday night Whip people about it being TOO crowded ("and why would they take us out of room 1 when it was already crowded with us").   Too, I am hearing the swing people complain (among others) about room 1 being used for two classes at once...they don't like it at all.

I know for one, I certainly find room 4 too small for our whip class...it is elbow to elbow and I got my ankle hurt two weeks ago so much it was still hurting all day at Six Flags a week later.   We are just too close together to be doing the patterns.

I know you just love to hear me complain, too.   I know, too, you have your reasons, I am sure.”

Rick Archer's Response to Susan Schroeder:

"I don’t know what else to do except cancel Friday’s Int Western Waltz in August. Please take it off the Online List and refund the students registered."

Complainant's Response:

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Saturday, July 31, 2004 9:22 AM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: RE: August 2004 SSQQ Newsletter

 Extremely fast response.   I am impressed!   Hope it works out for the best. 

Rick Archer's response:

You may be impressed, but I had to fire an instructor plus refund money in addition to irritating people who wanted to take the class. I have now received seven compliants about canceling the class.

-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 2:38 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: Re: FW: Waltz in August?


I assume you cancelled the class, not due to my comments, but more so due to complaints about class size and two classes having to be in one room. Am I correct? Do you feel you made a wrong decision. I hope I didn't influence wrongly. You know, I hope, that I only want to help.


-----Original Message-----
From: Rick Archer [mailto:dance@ssqq.com]
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 3:48 PM
To:
Subject: complaint Waltz in August?

I canceled the class solely due to your complaint. It was a terrible business decision, but I knew that in advance. It not only cost me money, but more important it disappointed a lot of people including the teacher who lost her position.

I have fielded many complaints about the studio, but I don't recall many stronger than yours. What you said hurt a lot. I don't intend to use your name. However the students deserve an explanation.


Editor's Note: Everything has consequences.
 

In the past several months there has been an enormous amount of "Complaining" at the studio.  The incident regarding the Western Waltz class is merely the tip of the iceberg. If I have the energy, I will list the others as well. For starters, simply go to last month's July Newsletter and read the SIX complaints from June 2004

In this case, I take responsibility for the decision to offer two classes in Room One on Mondays and Fridays. The problem on Monday was caused by the fact that we have to find a way to make room for a Ballroom program. Monday was the logical choice because Ballroom music and Swing music are compatible. However last month listed an entire array of complaints from students forced to share Room One on Mondays.

As I said before, more complaints will force me to cancel on of the Monday Night Swing classes.

Now one month later we have an indirect complaint about the two classes in Room One on Fridays. The complaint is not from a student forced to share Room One, but rather a student in Room 4 who wants to have the Big Room for their class without sharing the space.

"I know, too, you have your reasons, I am sure."

The complaint about the crowding in Room 4 hurt a lot because I was trying desperately to find a way to offer Western Waltz (and Western Cha Cha) on a night besides Wednesday.  Not everyone has the chance to take Beginning Western Waltz on the single month it is offered by Sharon Crawford on Wednesdays. Too bad, wait till next year.

This important class needs to be offered at other times during the year as well.  I thought offering it on an alternate night (Friday) was a good idea. 

Unfortunately the situation on Fridays did not work out as I hoped it would.

Here is what happened.  Due to Bryan Spivey's charisma as a Whip dancer and teacher, July drew the largest attendance in the history of Martian Whip. The sudden increase of nearly 20 extra students took me by surprise.

Once I saw this increase, I knew the time would come when I would have to phase out the double use of Room One on Fridays. However because registrations always drop in August, I expected the size of the August class to dwindle which would buy me one more month. I had originally planned to offer Friday’s Western Waltz one more month, then phase it out naturally in September.

I agree with the complainant that Room 4 was crowded in July. I know this because I checked. I also know that there was enough room to get the class taught.  I teach the same group in an even smaller room on Thursdays. If people are considerate of space, the class can work.

But I am sure the students would like to have had more room. I would like a bigger studio too. Who is going to pay for more space?

There is an old saying: "Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about."

Well, I took this complaint personally. It was one of those "damned if you do and damned if you don't" feelings. I had not heard one complaint about the crowding in Room Four. Not one single complaint. Most people accepted the situation as uncomfortable, but something they could live with.

However one student decided to complain... and complain strongly. Due to the power of the complaint, I felt I had no choice but to make the move back to six classes for six rooms one month sooner.

Now as a Consequence,

• I have currently received 8 different complaints about the Waltz class being discontinued (with more likely to follow),

• one teacher has lost a job

• the studio will lose more revenue at a time when we are barely breaking even.

Whenever someone complains – which is always their right – they usually are not in the position to see the big picture.

It is true that I stay in business because I try to make my students happy. But sometimes it seems like every time I make one person happy, I end up alienating someone else. In the process, this studio gets less and less fun to operate.

There is a less than perfect situation for some class every night of the week.

The Salsa crowd has put up with overcrowding and heat for some time. The Swing people have to contend with two rooms on Monday. Some classes are in rooms that are difficult to cool as well during the summer. Other students in Room Two watch people endlessly walk through their room with little consideration that there is a class in progress.

On the other hand...

Where else can you take the same class on two or three different nights a week for no extra charge?

We could solve the crowding problem very easily by eliminating all Parallel Classes.

For example, in the case of the Thursday and Friday Martian Whip class, our students enjoy the wonderful privilege of being given two classes for the price of one.

This is why I get frustrated because some students want it all. The situation in Room Four was not intolerable or desperate. It was working as people adapted to less space.

But rather than accept that the class was crowded as an inevitable by product of the popularity, I got a strong complaint which added of course they were mostly speaking for “others” who were too timid to speak for themselves.

Did you know that last year the studio lost money in a weakened economy?  Did you know our sister organization - Leisure Learning - is in the same position and has reduced the size of its schedule to cut printing costs?

You would think our students would cut us some slack, yet instead I receive constant complaints.

“It is too crowded!!” “It is too noisy!!” “It is too hot!!” “It is too cold!!” “There aren’t enough guys!!” "There aren't enough women!!"  "Why isn’t this class being offered?” “Why can’t we have a bigger room?”

I even received a complaint in June that a class was too small. Someone asked for their money back because there weren't enough people taking the class to make it interesting.

Why all the Complaints?

Oddly, the studio is LESS CROWDED than it was before 9/11. We are down 20% from that point in time, but perversely I receive more complaints about crowding. That's right - less people and more complaints about crowding. Don’t ask me why. Maybe we are all getting older and less tolerant of discomfort.

For a business operating at a Break Even point, it is foolish for me to consider renting more space… especially considering how shaky the economy is and how serious the threat of another attack is.

So what do you want us to do?  If the complaints continue, these are the next steps.

• Is it time then to start putting restrictions on attendance?

• Do you wish for us to instill size controls in our classes?

• Are you ready for us to turn people away from the doors once a class fills?

• Do you prefer we put an end to the parallel dance class system?

• Should we charge more money for our classes as another way to boost income and simultaneously suppress attendance?

Do you like any of those choices?  Of course not. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me, the problem will correct itself. Any time there is this much negativity, the attendance in the following month automatically drops. I cannot win for losing.

As I expected, my Martian Whip class on Thursday in August was only HALF its size in July. And that class that complained about sharing Room One on Mondays only had EIGHT people this month.

There lesson here is anytime you want to thin a class, just bellyache. That will solve the problem.

I wish more people were grateful for what they have at this studio and be more willing to periodically adjust to less than perfect conditions. We are at the point where practically any move I make will simply alienate just as many people as I satisfy.

I will conclude this article with a little story.

Back in the early 90s, I had two very odd habits when I taught class. If I needed a line of dance, I would put duct tape down on the floor. It worked fine, but I suppose it would have been better if I didn't always just leave it there.

When we installed our new floors in the late 90s I was informed the duct tape habit was a thing of the past. That habit disappeared. Now I use a carpenter's square instead.

My other curious habit was taking off one shoe whenever I needed to clearly illustrate something that had to do with a certain foot. "Now watch where I place my right foot on this move..."

Unfortunately it is often dark in my room when I dress for dance class. Nor do I pay much attention. As a result, occasionally I have been know to accidentally put on a sock with a hole in it. Big deal. Who cares?  At least that's what I thought. 

One night I took off my shoe in class only to reveal a gaping hole in the heel of my sock. I was roundly teased by the entire class who thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happened.

I replied mostly in good humor, "Well, you can either learn to live with the hole in my sock or we can raise tuition so I can buy some new socks!!" 

Everyone immediately pointed out that maybe the hole wasn't as big as they first thought it was. (Actually it was enormous.)

The following week when I entered the room I noticed a large grocery bag on a chair in the middle of the floor. It was full of brand new socks. With it was a note, "Please don't raise tuition!!"

Moral of the Story: If you guys will work with me and keep the complaining to a dull roar, we can continue to have the best dance studio in the whole wide world.  Or you can drive me nuts with more complaints and I will be forced to cancel parallel classes with a crowding problem. 

You decide.
 

BEST NEW JOKES OF THE MONTH

Over the years, we have been sent countless numbers of jokes by our Newsletter Readers.  We have kept what we thought were the best.  At this point we have now have a Hall of Fame collection of over 600 jokes.  Many of them are real gems. We rotate these jokes on a monthly basis so over the year you get to read them all.

In addition to our "Classics", we also get many new jokes each month sent in by our students.  This section contains our favorites.  At the end of each year we add these jokes to the "Immortal Collection".

By the way, getting a joke selected isn't very easy since we have been collecting jokes for so long. It's tough to find a new one.  So if you send in a great joke and nothing ever happens, trust us - it is already on the Web Site.  If you don't believe us, email and ask about your joke!!  I am serious. I will show you where the joke is.

We greatly appreciate any jokes you would like to submit. Send them to Rick Archer at dance@ssqq.com

BETHANY DANIELS

This award goes to an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the call of duty.  In any given month, there are always at least 100 quiet acts of simple kindness performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the person gets no credit, but our organization benefits from the gratitude.  The problem for me is that these many moments usually occur way under my radar. So if you have an instructor to nominate, please let me know and why!!   dance@ssqq.com

On the other hand, sometimes the move is dramatic enough to catch my eye so I can say something about it.

In August SSQQ has two winners of the highly-coveted "SSQQ Employee of the Month" Award.

 

Melanie Jones was part of the great Swing era here at SSQQ.  A natural athlete, Melanie was especially gifted at Acrobatics.  She helped Paul Foltyn teach his Acrobatics class on a regular basis. In the summer of 2001 Melanie greeted me with a long face. An employee of Continental Airlines, she had decided to accept a transfer to their offices in New York. Indeed just a couple days after Melanie reported for work in the Big Apple, 9/11 hit. You don't suppose Melanie missed home a little bit?
Recently Paul got a late start looking for an assistant to help him teach his summer Acrobatics class here at SSQQ. He emailed me wondering if I knew anyone. I made a couple suggestions then forgot all about it. On Sunday, July 11, I was shocked to see Melanie Jones in class as Paul's assistant. She had FLOWN all the way from New York to help!  Talk about Dedication! Although it is correct Melanie likely flew for free, it is still pretty impressive to come several thousand miles to teach a dance class. Thank you, Melanie. And as for you other instructors who give up the thought of driving to class at the sight of a raindrop, let this be a lesson!
It is my belief that Jill Banta is the answer to a mystery I have been mulling over. By accident, I ran across a story about missing dogs in the Houston Chronicle because there was a "hit" on the word "SSQQ" when I was researching their archives. The story said an SSQQ instructor had found a missing dog, taken it home, and reunited the dog with its owner. For the longest time I thought Maureen Brunetti - who lives in Bellaire near the studio and loves dogs - had been the finder. But when I re-read the article, I noticed it said the instructor (who was unnamed) in the story lived in the Heights. Jill Banta, former instructor Gillian Tilbury, and I are the only three instructors I know of who lives in the Heights. It wasn't me. It might have been Gillian. But my money's on Jill, our Good Samaritan.  Story of Missing Dog

THE WINNERS OF LAST MONTH'S SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE

1.   Sorrell Warren  (Second month in a row!)
2.   Susan Arevalo  (Eleven months in a row!)
3.   Ritesh Laud  (Fifth month in a row!)
4.   Ann Faget  (One Year in a Row of Victories!)
5.   Connie and Jeff Woodman (One Year in a Row of Victories!)
6.   Mara Rivas  (Third month in a row!)
7.   Marlies Whitmoyer  (Welcome back to a previous winner!)

We can always use some new players in the SSQQ Logic Club. Check out this month's new puzzle and send me an answer!!  You can be a Contender!!   And as an added bonus you never know whom you might end up living with!  
 

THE NEW SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE

http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle20.htm

THE SSQQ JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH
Joke Picture

ISN'T IT INTERESTING HOW YOU REMEMBER CERTAIN PEOPLE?

http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm

THE WORST SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH
(There is no such thing as a good pun...)

THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH

SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE!!

SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: CHERYL CORMIER AND GARY DAVIS GET MARRIED!!
On Saturday, July 10, Gary and Cheryl got married at Cheryl's church in Wallis, Texas.  Marla and I were invited to the wedding. It turned out Wallis is practically a suburb of San Antonio. It is so far west of Houston that it isn't even on my key map!  Naturally we got lost and arrived a little late. We got what we deserved - there were so many cars we parked so far away that practically needed a shuttle! The ceremony had just started when we arrived. We saw many familiar faces. I must have counted over 30 people from the studio, but I really never got a good look so there could have been more. In fact, there were so many people at this wedding that they were literally OUT THE DOOR!  Marla and I stood in a reception area just outside the chapel with about 25 other people. We took turns poking our noses in to watch the ceremony. I have to be honest. I think Cheryl and Gary got married, but I didn't exactly "witness" it. All I can say is I heard someone getting married.
From what I was told by people who could actually see what was going on, Cheryl and Gary made an unusual fashion statement by wearing hunting outfits. I happen to think that was a great idea!! I am going to ask Marla if we can do that for our wedding too. A couple days ago Cheryl and Gary took one of my Ghost Town classes. I have to say Gary was the best dancer in the class. That Cheryl knows how to bring out the best in a guy!!
SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: SHARON CRAWFORD AND BILL SHAW ANNOUNCE THEIR ENGAGEMENT! Story written by Sharon Crawford Bill and I met about 10 years ago when he was in my whip class, but we didn't really get to know each other until about a year and a half ago. He had returned to the studio after a long absence and signed up for my waltz class. A few weeks later we ran into each other at a play at the Hobby Center and he realized (1) that I was single and (2) that I enjoyed doing things other than dance. Although we both love to dance, we also both enjoy many other activities. Bill has an infectious zest for life and we have enjoyed traveling, snow skiing and wake boarding (well he wake boards, I just ski). In April, Bill surprised me with an engagement ring. We had gone to Fredricksburg to spend the weekend with my 3 sisters and their husbands. We had all just sat down for dinner when he placed this box in front of me. It was very special having all of my family there and of course before long everyone in the restaurant knew what was going on. There was a very good duo playing music at the restaurant so naturally Bill and I had to get up to dance. I suppose we danced fairly well. I was very amused when a lady at the table next to us whispered to Bill that I was very lucky to have found a man who likes to dance. (Editor's Note: Speaking of how lucky Sharon was to find a man who can dance, can you imagine the pressure on Bill when it comes time to Waltz at their wedding?  Sharon Crawford of course is the Most Famous Waltzer in Houston, Texas.  Everyone will be watching. I mean EVERYONE!!  One mistake and he's gonna hear about it for a long time.  If I were Bill, I would just let Sharon lead. Who's gonna notice??  I would never tell!!)

SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE:  RICK JACOBS AND FRAN LANDRY ANNOUNCE THEIR ENGAGEMENT!!

Monday, August 02, 2004 9:06 AM
Email from Fran Landry to Rick Archer:

"Rick Jacobs and Fran Landry met a little over 2 years ago in May 2002 at SSQQ & we are getting married on September 18^th, 2004.

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to meet and fall in love!!!

Fran"

(Editor's Note: This couple has been in many of Sharon Crawford's Western Waltz classes, but I am embarrassed I don't know them by name. I emailed Fran to send me more information, but haven't heard back yet. Congratulations to both!!)

VENUS AND MARS

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY - Contributed by Patty Jones

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.


(Rick's Note: I welcome any and all contributions.
Bring it on!!  dance@ssqq.com )

THE SSQQ CLEAN SIDE JOKE PAGE
Clean Side Jokes

Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes" column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your jokes will become immortal!!

August CS 28: Being an Elementary School Teacher - Pat Roberts
August CS 29: The Safari Dog, Leopard, & Monkey - Pat Roberts/C Holmes
August CS 30: Old Ladies Driving - Andre Faust
August CS 31: The Short Hot Love Letter - Chris Holmes
August CS 32: The Baby Photographer - Judy Walsh

These five jokes were part of our "Best New Jokes" section from last year's August issue. This year they have made it to "Hall of Fame" and will be viewed by many generations to follow. Joke Immortality is very important! 

You can read #29, "The Safari Dog, Leopard, & Monkey", below.
 
The August Clean Side Jokes

August CS 01: A Marriage Maid in Heaven - Hieronymous Anonymous
August CS 02: The Mole Family - Judy Walsh
August CS 03: The Magician and the Parrot - Judy Walsh
August CS 04: Southern Magnolias - Pat Roberts
August CS 05: Marital Bliss - Sam DeMora, Robin Wagner, Rick Archer
August CS 06: Al Gore - Richard Bevis
August CS 07: Blind Date - Donna Ruth
August CS 08: The Son-In-Law - Debbie Awad
August CS 09: Take Me Out to the Ballgame! - Gary Richardson
August CS 10: Pulling a Fast One - Kathleen Parker
August CS 11: Desert Island - Crista Reuss
August CS 12: The Lone Ranger and Tonto - Ralph Volz
August CS 13: What's Heaven Got To Do With It ? - Kendra Heath
August CS 14: Conscience - Debbie Awad
August CS 15: Bill Clinton and Judgment Day - Jill Banta and Sam DeMora
August CS 16: Inviting a Friend to Dinner - Robin Wagner
August CS 17: Down by the Cemetery - Richard Bevis
August CS 18: Case Dismissed - Sharon Russell
August CS 19: The Terrible Food - Jackie Chang
August CS 20: The Cuckoo Clock - Judy Walsh
August CS 21: Gorilla up a Tree - Jill Banta
August CS 22: The Magic Elevator - Donna Cook
August CS 23: The Pope & the Hairdresser - Andre Faust/M Gerstenberger
August CS 24: A Lawyer Dies Young - Donna Cook
August CS 25: Bill Gates in Hell - Jill Banta and Carole Nelson
August CS 26: The Pope and the President - Dana Pattison and Judy Walsh
August CS 27: Houston Evacuation Plan - Sam DeMora
August CS 28: Being an Elementary School Teacher - Pat Roberts
August CS 29: The Safari Dog, Leopard, & Monkey - Pat Roberts/C Holmes
August CS 30: Old Ladies Driving - Andre Faust
August CS 31: The Short Hot Love Letter - Chris Holmes
August CS 32: The Baby Photographer - Judy Walsh


Each month I reprint one of my favorite jokes of all time in the Newsletter. This month I shine the SSQQ Hall of Fame Spotlight on:

August CS 29: The Safari Dog, the Leopard, and the Monkey - Pat Roberts and Chris Holmes

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh Boy, I'm in big trouble now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more cats around here?"

Hearing this a look of terror comes over the leopard. He halts his attack in mid stride and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use. He decides to trade news of the deception for protection from the leopard. Off goes the monkey in hot pursuit. But the dog hears the commotion and notices the monkey heading after the leopard with great speed. He figures that something must be up and begins to analyze the possibilities.

Meanwhile the monkey soon catches up with the leopard and reveals how the dog tricked the cat. Then he strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of. He wants revenge!! The leopard says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and come with me to watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Angry and impatient, the leopard doesn't even bother with stealth. He just comes roaring through the jungle with the finesse of an elephant.

The dog hears the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. He has decided on his plan. Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers and pretends he hasn't a clue as to their presence.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where is that damn monkey!?! I am so HUNGRY!! He takes too long. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back yet!!"
 

THE SSQQ BLUE SIDE JOKES!

The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great secrets of the SSQQ web site.  It is your reward for taking dance classes at SSQQ.  Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have access.

All you need to do to get the address is to email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com  

Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of “Dirty Jokes”, each month we manage to find one that is printable. Please see below!!

April BS 22: It Could Get Worse - Chris Holmes
April BS 23: The Dangerous Looking Biker - Chris Holmes
April BS 24: The Mini Skirt - Gary Richardson

All you need to do to get the new address is to email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com

August Blue Side

August BS 01 : Potential versus Realistic - Judy Walsh
August BS 02 : The Little Old Lady and the Bet - Richard Bevis
August BS 03 : Lessons on the Beach - Judy Walsh
August BS 04 : The Sexy Camel - Mickey Hammond and Richard Bevis
August BS 05 : The Cold Nights on the Farm - Suzy Kish
August BS 06 : Artificial Insemination - Maureen Brunetti
August BS 07 : Little Billy - Judy Haley
August BS 08 : King Arthur's Court - Richard Bevis
August BS 09 : The Kinsey Report - Carole Nelson
August BS 10 : The Alligator Bet - Judy Walsh
August BS 11 : Pussywillows - Mickey Hammond
August BS 12 : Lessons from School - Richard Bevis
August BS 13 : Wedding Night Jitters - Chris Holmes
August BS 14 : The Bakery - Judy Walsh
August BS 15 : The Duck - Kendra Heath
August BS 16 : Hillary and Bill - Gillian Tilbury
August BS 17 : The Magic Sandals - Debbie Awad
August BS 18 : The Smart-Mouth Parrot - Patrick Steerman
August BS 19 : The Man from Iowa - Judy Walsh
August BS 20 : The Little Fireman - Mike Gerstenberger and Gary Richardson
August BS 21 : Ladder to Success - Bill Mayo
August BS 22 : The Winners! - Dana Pattison
August BS 23 : Turner Brown - Mike Guillory
August BS 24 : How God Takes People to Heaven - Judy Walsh
August BS 25 : The Lost Episode of Gilligan's Island - Kathleen Parker


Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of "Dirty Jokes", each month we manage to find one that is on the edge of printable. This next joke is one of my very favorites. Contributed by former SSQQ Instructor Mary Collins, it is a classic display of very poor judgment on my part by printing it… which automatically means it's a great joke!  

August BS 03 : Lessons on the Beach
- Judy Walsh

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a newde beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had brests far bigger than his mother's. Frowning, he informed his mother of this fact. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger pointy things than his dad does. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again, and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"

START OF THE SPECIAL FEATURES SECTION

SPECIAL FEATURE ONE

Contributed by Anne Marchetti, SSQQ Crusier of 2003.

Cruise Passengers Told to Abandon Ship  
Thursday, August 05, 2004


A thousand cruise-ship passengers got the fright of their lives when a prankster took over the vessel's public-address system and told them to "abandon ship."

The Miracle, a Carnival Cruise Lines (search) vessel, was only hours away from arriving in New York last Saturday after a week-long Bahamas jaunt, reports the New York Daily News.

Suddenly, at 3:45 a.m., came the "abandon ship" announcement, jolting passengers out of bed.

"People freaked out," Chris Vig, 36, of New Hyde Park, N.Y., told the Daily News. "It was absolute panic."

Thinking terrorists had taken over the ship, hundreds of formerly relaxed vacationers in their pajamas gathered on the third deck, waiting for further announcements.

Ten minutes later, according to Vig, another voice came over the PA, telling passengers everything was fine.

It turned out someone had snuck into a room that, as Carnival officials later put it, was "normally locked and unoccupied," switched on a microphone and made the scary statement.

"Multiple announcements were made by ship's personnel, including the vessel's captain, assuring guests that the initial announcement was an apparent prank and to disregard it," a Carnival statement said. "The captain then personally met and talked with numerous guests to offer further reassurances."

In reality, said Vig, it took the captain about 40 minutes to show up to calm down the panicked passengers.

The identity of the prankster remains unknown.

SPECIAL FEATURE TWO

By PETER DUJARDIN
Daily Press

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. - A woman who said she found a mouse in her soup at a Cracker Barrel restaurant last month made up the whole story, the Commonwealth's Attorney's Office announced this week.

Carla Patterson, 36, and her son, Ricky Patterson, 20, both of Hampton, Va., were both charged Tuesday with attempted extortion and conspiracy to commit a felony after they tried to get Cracker Barrel to give them money in the hoax, said Howard Gwynn, Newport News' commonwealth's attorney.

Carla Patterson was eating at the Newport News restaurant on May 8 when she said she discovered the mouse in a bowl of vegetable soup. Her screams prompted other patrons to leave the restaurant, and the incident caused Cracker Barrel to stop serving vegetable soup at all its 497 stores nationwide.

The Pattersons were arrested Tuesday after a sting operation in which officials from Cracker Barrel met the Pattersons at an undisclosed location and handed them a check, with law enforcement officials witnessing the handover from nearby, Gwynn said. The police department's economic crimes unit had developed the plan for the arrest after gathering evidence in recent days, police said.

Julie Davis, a corporate spokeswoman with Cracker Barrel's headquarters, near Nashville, Tenn., said the Pattersons had demanded $500,000 from the company,

Under the deal that Cracker Barrel had arranged with the Pattersons for the sting, the restaurant chain was to turn over the money in exchange for pictures of the mouse that Ricky Patterson had taken with his cell phone camera. Also as part of the deal, Davis said, Ricky Patterson was to publicly admit that he had made up the story.

But instead of getting to keep the check, the Pattersons got arrested.

The Newport News store suffered greatly in the incident, she said, with business slowing down substantially. The store's workers lost tips, and some were transferred to other stores to make up hours they lost to the slowdown.

Davis said Cracker Barrel had undertaken an in-depth investigation as soon as the mouse was found in the soup.

But when the laboratory analysis of the small, black mouse came back, Davis said, it was clear that something was amiss.

For one thing, she said, the autopsy showed that the mouse had not drowned, and was not cooked. The mouse did not have any soup in its internal system. The mouse, Davis said, died of a skull fracture.

Also, an audit of the vendor that provided the soup indicated it would have been impossible for the mouse to make it through the soup-making process in one piece, Davis said.

Patterson, the vice president of athletics for a youth football and cheerleading association with the city's parks and recreation department, could not be reached for comment.

SPECIAL FEATURE THREE

Associated Press
BERLIN --

A court Friday rejected an unemployed man's demand for four government-paid brothel visits a month to ensure his "health and bodily well-being" while his wife is abroad.

The 35-year-old welfare recipient sought about $3,050 a month to fund the brothel trips, along with eight pornographic videos and transport costs to and from a video store. He sued the state after authorities refused to pay for his Thai wife to fly back to Germany.

A court in the town of Ansbach threw out the claim, saying social security benefits already cover "everyday requirements." It said the man, who was not identified, would appeal -- at taxpayer expense.

Amid Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's drive to broadly trim welfare-state programs, court decisions in favor of welfare recipients have recently caused an uproar in Germany.

In August, an unemployed Frankfurt man won state-funded treatment with the impotence drug Viagra. Later, another court ruled that German social services must pay a 64-year-old expatriate's $875-a-month rent in Miami.

SPECIAL FEATURE FOUR

June 16, 2004, 1:07AM

Rain delay: 'Told you so' premature on light-rail line elevation
Copyright 2004 Houston Chronicle

Heavy rains temporarily washed out MetroRail line service this weekend, prompting proponents of building light rail above ground to say, "I told you so." However, few responsible taxpayers would agree that spending millions of additional dollars on elevated tracks would have been worth it to avoid last Sunday's few minutes of transit downtime.

The past few days' rain served as a useful test of how well the Main Street rail line could cope with torrential downpours over the famously flood-prone Midtown and Texas Medical Center areas. Rail service was down only about one hour Sunday, despite a slow-moving storm that dumped several inches of rain along the rail route that day.

High water along the 7 1/2 -mile rail prevented trains from passing at a stretches of track downtown, in Midtown and in the Museum District. It was the train's first instance of impassable flooding.

The interruption in service prompted a monorail advocate to point out that an elevated train would not have flooded. That's true, but taxpayers would have shelled out millions of dollars more per rail mile to have avoided that scant hour of disrupted service.

High water stalled buses along Main Street, too, by the way.

A more massive storm, such as Allison in 2001, might cause much longer interruptions of rail service, but that sort of weather system is rare. It would take an awful lot of rainfall - more than even Sunday and Monday's generous downpour - to cause flooding severe enough to stop trains for extended periods.

If anything, the recent rains showed that elevating the four voter-approved light rail extension routes to be built in coming years is probably not worth the expense.

 

SPECIAL FEATURE FIVE

WHEN A BELOVED PET GOES MISSING, IT'S LIKE LOSING A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY
By DANIEL J. VARGAS

At the corner of Tuam and Whitney in the Montrose area, a black-and-white flier is secured ever so carefully to a utility pole, a thumbtack for each corner to hold it in place for the days or maybe weeks to come. Not even blustery, warm breezes nudge it.

It reads in capital, bold letters: "LOST DOG . . . REWARD!" You can just sense the anxiety, the uncertainty behind those words scrawled in black marker.

The pooch has been missing since April 29, the flier says. She was last wearing a silver choke collar with a blue dog-bone tag.

Small black lab / dalmation with white on her chest and paws. Approx. 25-30 lbs. Brown eyes, and big ears. Answers to Julie or Julianne. Family misses her terribly and offers reward. Please call (713) 869-1540 or (281) 654-6063 and ask for Juanita.

Every day, countless pets from dogs, cats to birds - across the area and the country - go missing, whether they wander off or are stolen. Each day, new heart-tugging fliers go up at corner utility poles or stop signs. And new, frantic searches commence - sometimes lasting days, months. Years even.

Some families eventually give up hope. Others press on.

Sonic and Perky On Jan. 31, Hallie Vanderhider's sons arrived home from school about 3 p.m. They let out the beagles, Sonic and Perky, to play in the back yard before they left for the gym.

When Vanderhider, a chief financial officer for Merchant Bank, got home about 6 p.m. there was no sign of the dogs.

The gates were closed. No holes at the fence line.

Vanderhider guessed that a technician with a utility company may have come to read the meters and the dogs snuck out. But those companies said none of their employees visited her home that day.

"We truly don't know how they got out," she says.

Sonic is a 2-year-old male. Perky, a female, is 6 1/2.

Sometime between 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., the inseparable dogs wandered away or were snatched. "I said, `At least they have their tags,' " Vanderhider recalls.

Or so Vanderhider thought. One of her 16-year-old twin sons gave the dogs a bath the night before and forgot to put the gold, dog-bone shaped tags back on.

"All of a sudden my son got this terrible look on his face and said, `Oh, my God, I forgot to put the tags on,' " she says.

The search began immediately. They canvassed the neighborhood. They walked the banks of nearby Spring Creek, where dogs are known to play. They pounded the asphalt, calling their names until 1 a.m.

Vanderhider and her sons went home and made signs to post around the neighborhood. After a couple of hours of sleep, she was back searching.

They posted laminated fliers on bright yellow paper all around the Spring Creek Oaks subdivision:

LOST BEAGLES, SONIC - M, PERKY - F, $$REWARD$$ Vanderhider ordered six specially made signs - about 2 feet tall and more than a foot wide. She made another dozen on large plywood. The signs and fliers cost $500. Her reward offer was another $1,000.

"They are just tremendously important to me," Vanderhider says of her pets. "They're part of the family."

Almost five months later, the loss and the not knowing still weigh heavily on her.

"I'm still so emotional," Vanderhider says. "They are truly like children almost."

They searched all weekend. Vanderhider even took two days off from work to walk the creek. She put out food hoping it would draw them out of the nearby woods. She visited pet shelters to see if they had been turned in and went so far as to call shelters in San Antonio, Corpus Christi, Austin and Dallas.

She posted ads on the Internet and in local newspapers. She called Beagle Rescue.

Nothing.

Vanderhider could only find solace in the fact that road maintenance in her area had not picked up any deceased beagles along the roadways.

"You hope someone is taking as good of care of them as you would," Vanderhider says.

She guesses her 200 fliers - in English and Spanish - cover about 15 square miles.

Vanderhider received about 100 phone calls but only one held promise. Someone had found two beagles - one male, one female.

The Vanderhiders rushed over but oddly it was another set of lost beagles. They were heartbroken.

"But I have to say I'm very grateful to the people who called," Vanderhider says. "They were gracious enough to take the time to call me."

Because the family was so close to the beagles, the breeder who supplied Sonic and Perky offered the Vanderhiders two more beagle puppies - Chad and Natalie, Sonic's half-siblings. After some thought, the family took them.

"They have the run of the house," she says. Just like the previous beagles.

Initially, she ran a lost classified ad in the paper for more than three months straight. But as the costs piled up, she now only runs the ad occasionally. She also runs an ad in the neighborhood newsletter Spring Creek Oaks Scoop.

"I just can't give up," she says. "I still call the shelters and try to (visit) them once a week or so, thinking, `Just maybe.' "
Gizmo's legacy

Four years ago, on a stormy May 13, the weather let up just enough so that the Keenan family could let the family dog, Gizmo, out to do her thing.

About 15 minutes later, they called for her. And called. And called.

"We went to let her in, and she never came," Evan Keenan recalls.

There was no sign of her in the back yard. Not a trace.

She had always been terrified of lightning, and there were plenty of thunderous strikes that day. And she had been known to sneak out every now and then.

They searched their Spring neighborhood. Checked with neighbors. The vet. And looked under the backyard deck.

They put up computer-made fliers with the Lhasa apso's picture. Despite their best efforts, "she never came home," Keenan says.

As the family looked for their missing pet, they discovered search resources were disconnected. Keenan, who is in Web development, created www.houstonlostpets.com.

"I thought, `There has to be a better way to do this,' " he recalls. "There was no central location or hub to post your pet."

The site will re-launch this month and offer free postings of lost-and-found pet announcements. He plans to add a similar e-mail alert system to let people know when a pet in their area becomes missing. All he hopes for are some success stories.

The search for a pet can take a toll on a family. The Keenans had Gizmo for more than eight years. The family's four children adored her.

"She was part of the family," Keenan says. "We have family pictures. She was a good ol' lap dog."

Gizmo slept with the girls. Every other weekend she had a standing appointment with a groomer who put colored bows, depending on the season or holiday, in her hair.

"You go through a period like you would a loved one who is missing," he says. "You start to get very depressed, and you feel kind of hopeless.

"Then you get into the lull of waiting and waiting."

As the days went by, the family searched the area some more. More inquiries to the neighbors. Surely she couldn't have gone very far.

About a month after Gizmo went missing, the first report of a sighting came in.

When the family went to see the dog, it was the right breed. Wrong pooch.

"We were excited," says Kristin Dancy, the Keenans' 15-year-old daughter, who was closest to Gizmo, "just to get let down."

Even the family's other dog, Sadie (part golden retriever, part cocker spaniel), mourned Gizmo's disappearance.

"She cried," says Nicki Keenan, the mother. "They were buddies, and Gizmo acted like her mother. Sadie didn't know what to do with herself."

After about five months, Evan Keenan pulled all the fliers. But while the active search has stopped, it's hard to quell hope.

Every once in a while, Keenan makes a point to look around for Gizmo, in that off-chance that she just might be around.

"I've kind of given up on it," he admits. "We can only hope someone found her and is taking good care of her."

That gives them some comfort, but they needed more.

On June 12, 2002, Douglas entered their lives. He's a cute, goofy basset hound Keenan bought for his wife's birthday. Really, it was a gift for them all - to fill the void left by Gizmo.

"To this day, we can be out somewhere and see a dog that looks like (Gizmo) and wonder, `Is that our dog?' " he says.

New search tactics With 68 million dogs and 73 million cats in the United States, there are plenty of opportunities for pets to go missing.

There are not hard statistics on the numbers of pets lost each year. However, one estimate goes as far as saying that 2 million dogs are stolen annually.

Now, the Internet is helping pet owners cast a wider net in the search for their beloved cats and dogs, pet advocates say.

More Web sites are popping up, such as www.houstonlostpets.com and Pets 911 (www.1888pets911.org) to help owners find their pets faster. There are several dozen on the Internet, and each seeks to be more of a clearinghouse for lost-pet resources.

"The Internet is simplifying that process so you don't have to go to all the shelters or make fliers," says Julie Pasquinelli, spokeswoman for Pets 911.

Pets 911 is technically nationwide, but it is more locally known in Scottsdale, Ariz., where it is based. Its services are free, including posting a lost or a found announcement or locating area shelters.

The site, which went nationwide in 2000, is ZIP-code driven. "It's a timesaver and covers more area," Pasquinelli says. "It absolutely does work. And we want to be that one-stop place (to look for pets)."

She says, in general, pets don't end up very far away from home, but when they do, posting on the Internet can lead to faster happy reunions if they have traveled a long distance.

According to National Pet Recovery, a paid pet-finder service on the Internet, more than
80 percent of dogs recovered by them are 12 to 40 miles away from where they became lost. More than 90 percent of the cats it recovers are found within six miles.

Houston residents who own a dog or cat must license the pet with the city's Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care. Those living outside city limits must license pets with Harris County Rabies / Animal Control.

Licensing is more than just a requirement - it's an avenue to reunite lost pets with owners, says Kathy Barton, spokeswoman for the Houston Department of Health and Human Services. If a pet is picked up by the city's Animal Control, the license can be read and the owner tracked down.

Of course, the city can also find owners through a rabies tag or a simple identification tag. Pets are held at the city's Bureau of Animal Regulation and Care (BARC) shelter until the owner is reached or for up to two weeks, Barton says. After that the pets may be put up for adoption or transferred to the Houston Humane Society or the Houston Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for adoption.

However, if a pet has no tags, is in poor health and has no potential for adoption, the animal is euthanized, Barton says.

BARC picks up about 20,000 cats and dogs annually, and last year about 10 percent of that number - mostly dogs - were reunited with owners, city statistics show.

The county also picks up about 20,000 pets, and last year about 8 percent (once again, mostly dogs) were reunited with owners, says Colleen Hodges, education/public relations coordinator for the county's animal control. More than 2,000 were adopted or sent to a rescue shelter. The rest, about 15,000 cats and dogs, were euthanized in 2002.

The county, at a minimum, holds animals without tags for three days. Animals with tags, six days.

"You have about three days, but don't plan on more than that," Hodges says, adding that shelter space is an issue. "Don't wait. Don't wait."

Unfortunately for pet owners, the city no longer posts pictures of pets picked up on the Internet, Barton says, because of potential liability in the event the city fails to post a pet's photo. The city's legal department is working on appropriate disclaimers to resolve that issue. Until then, owners must call the shelter or visit in person.

The county does post pictures of animals brought into its shelter at www.countypets.com.

Other methods of tagging your pet include tattooing and inserting a microchip. Barton says the chips are not fail-safe.

"There is no universal scanner (for chips)," she says. "And the chip can migrate around a pet."

She suggests the old-fashioned tag. Just make sure the tags are always secure. "If you put a tag on, a 6-year-old can read it," Barton says.

Reunited

Some pets do make it back to their owners, whether they guide themselves home or a kind stranger takes them in until the rightful owner is found.

Wayne and Susan Snow are two of the lucky ones.

One day in late March, Wayne Snow was unloading groceries and left the front door open so he could make trips to the car. During the unloading, the family's Brittany spaniel, Penny, wandered off.

The Snows were worried. They live in Bellaire off busy Bissonnet, which can be unkind to pets.

They searched the house first. Then the back yard. Then, they jumped in the car to see if they could spot Penny, an older dog who needs daily arthritis medicine and is deaf.
Three hours later, no sign.

The next day, the Snows posted about 50 fliers with a photo of Penny lying in the grass. They called nearby veterinarians and neighbors, frantically searching for their beloved Penny.

Penny, named for her copper coat, didn't have her tags on. She's a house dog, and the Snows would put them on her only for walks.

They held off calling their son Paul, a Texas Tech University sophomore, who had initially received Penny as a gift from a friend. They didn't want him to worry. They were worried enough.

Three days later, the Snows got a break. A woman who sometimes manages Susan Snow's antiques shop noticed a "found" poster board with a description similar to that of Penny. She jotted down the number and gave it to Snow.

The description of a brown-and-white dog on the poster board was hopeful. She called and described Penny. It was a match.

The woman, a dance instructor, found Penny wandering the parking lot of SSQQ Dance Studio on Bissonnet where she teaches. She took her home that night.

Snow recalls driving by that parking lot, not seeing Penny. "She could've been walking by a car's wheel while we were driving by, and that's why we didn't see her," Snow says.

The dance instructor, who lives in the Heights, said she would bring Penny to the studio just before her class so the Snows could pick her up.

As Wayne Snow pulled up to the studio, he could see through the large glass windows. "Penny had her nose stuck to the window," he recalls, as if she knew he was on his way. "When I saw her, I knew it was her. It was pretty exciting."

Snow says the woman's teenage daughter looked heartbroken when he arrived. Apparently, she had grown attached to Penny, who smelled of a young girl's perfume.

The instructor refused to take a reward. Instead, Susan Snow, wanting to show her appreciation, bought her a $50 gift certificate to the Mason Jar restaurant.

"I think it was meant for (Penny) to be back home with us," Susan Snow says.

That night, the Snows tore down all the fliers. They didn't want to clutter the poles and stop signs.

Soon, other missing-pet fliers will take those spots.
 

SPECIAL FEATURE SIX

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