Chapter Four:  Madame X

RISKY BUSINESS/URBAN COWBOY TIMELINE (complete timeline at bottom of page)  1979 June  Joanne gets razzed for going country, then completely quits the studio to join her "Country Club"  1979 June  I visit Joanne's Country Club. Totally disgusted by what I see, my resistance to C&W dancing grows  1979 July  Susie and Rick break up  1979 August  Cindy gets cold feet  1979 September  Madame X makes her appearance SOMEONE NEW ENTERS MY LIFE Each Saturday, I taught Disco lessons down in Clear Lake to a private group of six couples. This was clearly my favorite class of the week. This group had been with me for over six months and by now they were my friends in addition to my students. I had great fun with them and they enjoyed me too. Under my guidance several couples in the group had even won local dance contests, a feat that I took as much pride in as they did. Susie had usually been my partner on Saturday evenings. It was the one night where she and I could get away from Cindy. But Susie was long gone. I needed an acrobatics partner for the class. So I asked Madame X to help me. Due to my never-ending wave of female-related misery throughout 1979, I had never even given Madame X more than a passing glance. But as a Clear Lake Saturday approached in mid-September, I remembered the previous week I had promised my students I would bring along a dance partner to help demonstrate advanced Disco acrobatics. I am sorry, but I don't remember why Cindy was not an option. I only remember that I had to find someone else.  Clear Lake was one of my favorite stops each week.  There were six couples who were in love with Disco and excited about getting better.  Not too long ago, they had met Susie when I brought her down to enter a dance contest. (That Competition is a very funny story in case you are interested.) However Susie had been gone for over a month. She was not an option either. So my mind went down the list. The name of Madame X jumped out at me.  She was a phenomenal athlete. It turns out she was once a competitive gymnast until nature took its course and gave her curves.  The talent was clearly still there. She was in my opinion the equal of Cindy and Joanne in acrobatics despite having only half their experience. For one thing, Madame X was fearless. She simply wasn't afraid of getting hurt. She definitely had my respect! I asked her if she would help. She said sure.  That Saturday we drove down together. It was the first time I had ever spoken with her past the usual superficial "hi hello how are you". Now as we drove down to Clear Lake, I found myself engaged in a delightful conversation with a very intelligent woman. I took a second look at her. She was definitely pretty. Madame X was not in Cindy or Susie's league for looks. They were both beauty queens - literally. But Madame X was very attractive. The difference was that she was modest. She was not flashy. She did not draw eyes in the room to her because she was quiet. In that way she reminded me of Joanne, the Ice Queen who was practically invisible until she began to dance. And now as I appraised Madame X in her leotard, I realized she had a phenomenal figure.  How had I missed this woman? I know the answer to that - I wasn't looking. But Susie was long gone.  And now that the daily negotiations with Cindy had moved into the second month, I really wanted to be done with the whole mess.  Her constant whining - what should we do?, is this a mistake?, can you support me?, do you love me enough? - had the effect of driving me away.  At this point I had seen Cindy's Dark Side one too many times.  The lust I had once had magically disappeared when the whining started. The words to a Carole King song kept repeating in my brain: "You look so unhappy, I feel just like a fool ... but it's too late now, it's too late though we really did try to make it." At one point Cindy had been my better half, but now she was closer to being my bitter half. She was driving me nuts with jealousy, insecurity, indecision, and possessiveness. I wanted my freedom from her so bad it hurt. So this is the context of my mind as Madame X and I drove down to Clear Lake - I was a free agent.  Cindy had her chance, but she who hesitates is lost. The evening with the Clear Lake group went well.  Madame X blew them away with her dance ability. I realized with a little training I had another Joanne Wilson on my hands.  Although Madame X certainly lacked Cindy's flash and dash or Susie's knockout looks and feminine wiles, she was the most "solid" human being I had been around in ages. She was pleasant, professional, and courteous throughout the evening. She was poised and graceful at all times.  She was a very impressive young lady. I say "young" because I was about 5 years older. I was 29 at the time. Madame X seemed like a Rock, an anchor to ground me against the swirling currents of my life. Furthermore she didn't need for me to "support" her, Cindy's new favorite word.  Ms. X was an accountant. She made enough money to support me!! I was quickly falling in love. The feeling was mutual. It turned out Madame X had been watching me for some time. I just didn't know it. I thought I had made the first move by asking her to help me. She said she had hanging around hoping I would.  Madame X spent the night with me. We spent the next night - Sunday - together.  A lightning bolt romance was in the process of developing. That is when we began a very serious SECRET affair.  After what had happened to Susie and Joanne, I intended to protect this woman's identity carefully. And that's exactly how Madame X wanted it too, although I did not realize at the time why Madame X agreed so readily.  Since she insisted on keeping things under wraps back then, for reasons that will make sense to you later on, I decided to honor her wish even now as I write this tale 25 years later. Our relationship intensified quickly. On the Sunday of our fourth weekend together, I had dinner with her family. Madame X was clearly proud to introduce me to her parents, a gesture that made me smile.  The dinner visit proved to be much more pleasant than I had anticipated.  Her father really seemed to like me.  He asked me one question after another.  He was very encouraging. He seemed to like every answer I gave him and never criticized my story in any way, even the part where I got thrown out of Graduate School in 1974.  It had been a long time since I had someone of his presence appear to appreciate me!  In the five years since I had been thrown out of Graduate School, my self-esteem had taken quite a beating.  I had been stuck in a dead-end social work job, humiliated by my boss Mr. Stevens on a daily basis for my lack of dancing skills, nagged by Susie for wasting my time on a frivolous dance job, and nitpicked to death by Cindy about how poorly I matched up against her husband.  With these kinds of influences, it was no surprise I had expected further disapproval. Au contraire. Here was a man who was impressed that I had graduated with honors from one of Houston's finest private schools and graduated with honors from a prestigious Eastern University.   Best of all, Madame X's seemed to appreciate that I had created a business all of my own.  Are you kidding me?  You mean a dance teacher can be respectable?  That was the first time I had ever been complimented on dancing as an impression.  My Father expected me to lose my shirt and my Mother questioned how I was going to make a living when in her opinion I was the worst natural dancer she had ever seen.  (yes, that's my parents for you.) Despite all the negative baggage I carried around, I couldn't help but feel I had just gotten approval as a potential son-in-law. Wow! Throughout the dinner Madame X kept beaming at me. She was glad that her Dad liked me.  Oh my goodness. I was falling in love with her! Furthermore, where Cindy was concerned, I felt absolutely NO GUILT about my unexpected new love.  It had been two months since Susie and I broke up. In that time Cindy had been all talk and no action. "Today is a day for firm decisions!  Or is it?" I was so tired of all this back and forth I wanted to scream!!  Enough already! Besides, I had something else going on in my life.  The Meyerland Club gamble had begun to pay off.  This Western Dance stuff might just be able to take the place of Disco after all.  And since Cindy hated Western music and had shown no interest in Western Dancing, maybe it was time for me to stand on my own two feet and see if I could make it without her. I made a decision. I wanted to make a complete commitment to Madame X.  Enough of this secret affair stuff.  As Madame X and I drove home after the dinner with her family, I told her that week I would have to put my armor on and do further battle with Cindy.  I told Madame X I was sick of it and that I was prepared to seek my freedom. I was in for the biggest surprise of my life.

1979 September  Madame X makes her appearance  1979 September  The dangerous Meyerland Club Gamble - Joanne returns to help Rick learn C&W Dancing  1979 October  Risky Business - I involve Madame X in a dangerous Gamble

THE LEAP OF FAITH On a Wednesday in October Cindy and I met to continue our negotiations. Let the whining begin!!  You don't make enough money for me to feel confident.  How will I buy a car? What will I do about my kid?  What schools are near you? How will you support me?  What about health insurance? What will a weekly schedule look like?  How much money do you think I will make at the studio?  Cindy was scared to death.

For the past six weeks, we had been going back and forth over this same territory again and again and again. As you might imagine, I had already begun to get a serious case of cold feet... as Cindy had as well

I realized I was not making enough money to guarantee her absolute financial security... as Cindy probably had as well.  Her husband's words came ringing back, "He can have you if he can afford you."

I was getting exasperated. Cindy was talking about getting married before we had even dated. No wonder she was worried about making a huge leap of faith. I had a pretty big gulp in my throat too.

Most people who get married grow closer one step at a time during courtship. I think in Cindy's mind she was preparing to swap one husband for another. This was a much bigger step than I had bargained for and I told her so.

Furthermore her great wellspring of energy at the studio had dwindled to a trickle.  She was losing weight. She was a nervous wreck. For the past two months, Cindy had been so preoccupied with her "decision" as she called it that she hadn't been able to contribute anything beyond the bare minimum of energy at the studio. In the meantime I had taken note that the studio was still running fine anyway.

Then after I saw how cleanly my dance lesson had gone in Clear Lake, I realized I had grown as an instructor and a businessman to the point that I probably could make it work even without Cindy helping me.  Maybe it was time to throw away my crutch.

So during our negotiations, I changed my tactics. 

I told Cindy I was prepared to move on without her.  I had never told her this before. 

I told her she didn't have to worry, that if her marriage was more important, then I was prepared to "do the noble thing" and back off.

ohmygoodness. Cindy turned crimson with anger!!   The only thing that saved me was that I had not mentioned Madame X.  Otherwise she might have gone completely ballistic. It was bad enough as it was.

The transformation began immediately. holysmokes!  First the Helpless Sniveling Whiner, now Tiger Woman!!

"You stupid jerk!  How could you think of running the studio without me!!  After all I have done for you!!  Do you have one loyal, grateful bone in your body?"

Her tirade went on for a long time. Stunned, a mantra began repeating in my mind on continuous loop:

"Beware the wrath of a woman scorned Beware the wrath of a woman scorned Beware the wrath of a woman scorned."

CINDY'S BLACKMAIL Love is a fire.  But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. Cindy did not want to lose the studio. Cindy decided to threaten me. She said in very simple terms that if I ever crossed her, she would bring down my house. Her threat worked. I immediately got sick in my stomach because I believed every word she said. If you had seen her expression, you would have believed her too. Having watched her destroy Joanne and Susie with one hand tied behind her back (being married), imagine what she could accomplish if she put her mind to it!! Cindy was one angry woman. She said she would start by calling every woman in the studio to tell them what I had done to her. Cindy had created the studio's mailing list. Always the consummate phone person, she made sure to add people's phone numbers next to the name and mailing address. Each month she kept a copy for her records. Therefore Cindy had the phone number of every key person at the studio. Using this phone list, Cindy had created her Network of Friends, the various women at the studio to whom Cindy was the unquestioned leader. Cindy promised she would tear me apart if it was the last thing she did.  First she would send a poison pen letter to all 1,000 people on the mailing list. Then she would hit the phones and tell it like it is. Then she would do lunch. "Meet me at such and such and don't forget to tell so and so to join you and I can tell you the whole story." Then for the final blow, she would show up in person at the studio in the middle of dance class. Make a scene. Tell everyone in the place what a jerk I am. Work up the sympathy of the crowd.  Then talk to anyone who will listen. Start with the women, then get to the men. Start the word of bad-mouth going. Let the dirt fly.  And if at all possible, start crying.  Scorched earth. Take him down. Let's see how far his brilliant dance career goes now...

I knew Cindy had the power to pull this off. Her popularity at the studio was off the charts.  Sad to admit it, she was far more popular than I was.

My mind raced as I assessed her threat level.  It was her charisma that had brought my program to the next level.  But along the way there had been plenty of warnings.

Now today Cindy's dark side had become more ominous than ever - Cindy threatened to tear down what she had built up if I ever crossed her.

When I say "rage", you don't even begin to understand the strength of Cindy's ultimatum.  She had laid down the law. We were going to do this her way or she would burn me at the stake.

"Hello, Sally?  Yes, this is Cindy calling. You will not believe what Rick Archer did to me - he kicked me out of the studio?  Can you believe that?  I have been working tirelessly to build his business for a year and now he is showing me the door. Did you know I risked my marriage to help him?  Pretty soon, I am going to be divorced and out of a job. Furthermore I might even lose custody of my child if my husband works this Disco angle to his advantage. This job is the only job I have. What do you think about a guy like Rick who would let me bust my butt for a year and then turn around and say he doesn't need me any more.  A decent guy wouldn't do a thing like that to me. Rick doesn't respect me. The man is a jerk.  He makes promises he doesn't keep. He takes advantage of people and uses them.  And worst of all, he used me and now that people like my classes, he feels threatened.  He should be ashamed. Do me a favor, Sally. Dancing's fun, but it's not really that important, now is it?  Why don't you drop your dance classes for a while. Or better yet, here's another place I found where you can take classes. It's actually a much more professional place than Rick's studio. And the studio is much more attractive than that dump where Rick teaches.  I think I may be teaching there soon.  They told me if I can bring some business over there, then they will make a spot for me."

HERE'S SOMETHING WORTH THINKING ABOUT Okay, Readers, you are clearly into this story now. You could not possibly have read this far if you weren't interested. Assume like I did that she was NOT bluffing.  Believe me, she meant it. Put yourself in my shoes. What would you do? Are you going to defy Cindy and risk losing half your business?  Are you going to throw away the best business partner you ever had and start all over? Are you going to let two years of hard work and one incredible break after another go down the drain?  Opportunities like this don't come along very often. Are you going to accept her terms and stay on this runaway train ride to possible self-destruction or do you jump off now? What about the new woman in my life?  How much can I depend on her to help me through this crisis? Does she care enough to face a storm of this magnitude after a few weekends together?   That might be asking too much, yes?

Sorry, folks, you might have the guts to stand up to someone like that, but I didn't.  Cindy was right - dance classes can be set aside at the drop of the hat.  The whole ballgame is based on "fun". When it isn't fun anymore, people head to the Exit Door. If she destroyed my reputation, it might take a couple years to recover my good name.

A lot of these people were ready to stop dancing anyway because thanks to Urban Cowboy, Disco was beginning to fade anyway. The momentum at the studio had been created on good will and a good reputation. If people thought I was treating Cindy unfairly, she was bound to win any PR war.  Quitting dance class would be a pretty good way to protest.

It was one of those "Samson and Delilah" moments. I was about to lose all my strength if I crossed the line.

Furthermore, the woman had a point. She had created it and she had the right to tear it down.  IT WAS HER STUDIO TOO!

It definitely would have made my life easier to say "Adios" if she was willing to part gracefully, but her hard work meant she deserved the right to keep her job.

"Okay, Cindy, we will do it your way.  But I have a favor to ask.  I can't take this limbo much longer. When will you decide?" 

"My husband isn't ready yet. He isn't strong enough. Give us some more time. Don't rush this thing, Rick. This is a very important decision."

Risky Business. Or should I say Dirty Business?

I TELL MADAME X THE BAD NEWS

After dance class that night, I told my new girlfriend the story. She paled visibly.

"I would hate to cross swords with that woman."

I nodded ruefully in agreement. The Magic of the Weekend seemed years ago. I was sick to my stomach and totally cheerless.

That night, I gave her some advice - don't come to class that night. In fact, don't come to the studio any more.

Over the past year I had learned one very good lesson - Don't tell Cindy!  I gave Madame X a run-down on how to stay off Cindy's radar. She nodded grimly and said she understood.


NOW WHAT DO I DO??

My clear choice of action was to take no action. The Blackmail Threat had paralyzed me. I had no choice but to sit tight and let Cindy sort it out.

August became September. September 1979 was "talking in the car month" for Cindy and me. Now that she had drawn her line in the sand, I didn't really know whether I liked her or not. I certainly didn't trust her.  Once Madame X came along, I found reasons to avoid meeting Cindy during the day. So instead Cindy and I would sit in her car outside Stevens after class was over and talk. and talk. and talk.

Cindy was worried about something. I tell you the woman was uncanny!!  She began to suspect there was another woman in the picture. Either she had ESP or she was good at statistical probability. Maybe both. I call it woman's intuition.  Somehow she sensed something was going on. Let me explain. Cindy was at the studio maybe three nights a week. Then I saw her one night on the weekend depending on the moon.  Keep in mind the woman was MARRIED!  She had a KID!  For every moment she spent "negotiating" with me, she was also "negotiating" with her husband. Cindy could not roam the studio 24/7 to keep an eye on me.  There were no cell phones in those days to tether me. Cindy knew there were women everywhere in those days smiling at me.  Plus now she knew I wanted "Out" of the relationship in the worst way. The gentle kindness of Madame X stood in stark comparison to Cindy's neurotic indecisiveness, her jealousy and her dark threats. Now that I had seen how unstable Cindy had become, I was no longer under any illusion that she was my woman of destiny.  Cindy could sense something had changed. I was becoming more distant. She asked me if I was seeing someone. I lied to her and said no. Cindy frowned and furrowed her brow. She KNEW. Don't ask me how, but she knew without knowing.  The woman was a witch!!  Call her Circe. She definitely could turn me into swine anytime she wanted.  I was starting to fear her magic powers. She decided it was time to read me the Riot Act again.  This time she would be VERY UPSET if she discovered there was another woman.  Mind you, we had not even had sex and she was behaving this way.

I AM IN FOR ANOTHER SURPRISE

For the month of September, I was in chains when it came to the studio, but I had my freedom where Madame X was concerned as long as I kept it secret.

"Tell me this again. You are engaged?"
"Yes."
"Where's your engagement ring?"
"I don't wear it in Houston. In fact, at work they don't even know I am engaged. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have been hired."
"How long have you been engaged?"
"Oh, about a year."
"Who is he?"
"He is a guy I started dating in high school. We went to college together, but we didn't go steady.  We dated other people, then in my senior year we came back together. He is finishing up grad school while I work here in Houston. I don't love him or at least I don't think I love him. I am very fond of him and I know he would be a great father and family man."

I winced to myself. Where had I heard that before?

"What makes you think you don't love him?"
"Well, you for one. I cannot imagine someone like you coming into my life if the door wasn't wide open. Plus there have been some other guys here in Houston, but no one quite like you. You terrify me."
"I have a question. I have been seeing you for one month. What took you so long to tell me?"
"I kept hoping either you or Cindy would make up your mind. If you decided to dump me, then I wouldn't have to tell you."

She started to cry.

So much for my "Rock".  The irony was inescapable.  My Rock had just turned to quicksand.  I immediately visualized myself being thrown from wave to wave by the savage currents of Life.

Another question popped into my mind. "What was that stuff about introducing me to your family?"
"For a while, my fiancé and I decided to back off for a while.  I was free to see whomever I wanted. My parents knew the story."

Unbelievable.

"Well, why aren't you a free agent today?"
"When I saw the expression on your face as you told me what Cindy threatened to do, I saw how afraid you are. I believe you have too much to lose by defying her. I lost a lot of confidence in the future of this relationship.  I gave him a call the next day.  We had a very long talk. He wants to try again. I agreed to drive up and talk some more."

I began shaking inside. Wasn't there a Cosmic Limit on the number of headaches a guy could take in one year without flipping his lid??  Had I crossed my limit?

Then a question occurred to me.

"When are you going to see him again?"
"Funny you should ask. I am scheduled to drive up there this weekend. He said he wanted to talk face to face. I'm not quite sure what's up."
"That's why you decided to tell me, right?"
"That's one of the reasons, yes. I assumed you would notice I wasn't here."
"What's the other reason?"
"This stuff with Cindy is starting to get under my skin."

I winced to myself. Where had I heard that before?

"This trip you are going to take, what do you think he wants?"
"If I had to guess, I would say he wants to try again.  I think he is going to set a date."
"What are you going to say?"
"I don't know. I'll have to see how I feel. I just don't know. I think we are more friends than anything else."
"Are you going to go?"
"Of course I am. I'm technically engaged."

I REVIEW MY NEGOTIATING STRATEGY

Now that I was faced with the definite possibility of losing my new love, I was feeling pretty desperate. This waiting game with Cindy was becoming agony. Each night I showed up for dance class like a zombie. I wasn't hungry. I was losing weight. I felt nauseous all day long. I had so much on my mind.

Believe it or not, this was about the same time that the Meyerland Club called asking for Western lessons. I was worried about Madame X, losing my studio, and how to fake my way through teaching Western when I didn't have a clue how to dance it. I was under so much pressure it was ridiculous.

Looking through my notes, I found a late September memo to myself that said:

"Cindy makes up her mind Monday. She is welcome to consult everyone she knows. She either leaves her home AND moves in with me OR I want her to leave my life till circumstances permit a return."

Well, now isn't that fine and dandy?  Anyone who watches basketball knows that after halftime the announcers tell their audience that the home team is coming out of the locker room determined to impose their will on the other team and emerge victorious.  What the home team announcers forget to mention is the OTHER TEAM plans to do the exact same thing.

Just because I wanted Cindy to make a move didn't guarantee Cindy would roll over and let me have my way.

I felt panicky. Another man had the inside track on the attention of Madame X.

How was I supposed to win the heart of Madame X with a time bomb like Cindy attached to my ankle??  Now I knew how Cindy felt trying to get rid of Susie.  Except Madame X's fiancé was in another city, so hand to hand combat was impossible. At least Cindy had Susie in her gun sight.

How was this crazy ride going to end??

THE HUGE GAMBLE

With the thought of Madame X heading towards her fiancé, there was a lot of pressure on me to speed things up.

Susie had broken up with me in early July. It was now the end of September.  Nearly three months had passed and there was no sign that any "Decision" was on its way from Cindy.

I figured it was time to play a little hard ball of my own. I hatched a wild scheme.  Cindy and I met on Monday, frequently our favorite negotiating day because Cindy always had developments to report from her weekend talks with her husband.

It was time to roll the dice.

"Cindy, I have something to tell you. I have met someone else."

Cindy just stared at me.

"Who is she?"
"You don't even know her," I lied. The truth was Cindy did not know Madame X by name, but would probably at least recognize her if I pointed her out.  Heck, I had barely known her!

"Who is she?"
"Look, Cindy, we've been through this before with Joanne and Susie. We are going to do this one my way. Her identity stays secret for now."

We argued for a while until Cindy realized I wasn't going to budge.

"What do you want, Rick?  The last time I checked, you and I were discussing moving in together."  Ouch.

"I have been asking you to make up your mind for three months. You were married and living with your husband the whole time. It's not my fault you left the door open."

"I would think given the seriousness of my decision you would have the decency to at least keep your pants on till I figured out what is best for all us."

"How am I supposed to know if you are keeping your pants on?"

"You know darn well my husband and I sleep in separate rooms!!"

"So you say. Listen, we have argued about this a million times. You are a mess. I am a mess. Your husband is a mess. All three of us are miserable. You say your kid cries a lot and is afraid of losing her parents. Why not admit how senseless it is to break up a marriage for something as risky as our relationship?"

"I need more time."

"Dammit Cindy, that is what you have been saying for six months. What is magic is going to come along to change the impasse?  One month from now it will be the same story!  This has got to end."

"Rick, you forget something. I am in love with you. And you are supposed to be in love with me."

"Cindy, I COULD be in love with you, but I can't be in love with you unless you make a commitment to me. I can't turn my feelings on and off.  The risk of losing you is too great. I won't let myself get hurt."

"What about my threat to hurt you if you leave me?"

"I don't care any more. Your threat was valid in August, but that time has passed.  I will tell the world you had three months to decide. That counts for something court of public opinion. Furthermore I will wrap myself in the guise of being noble. I will say I broke it off because it was the right thing to do. I will say I had no choice but to break away while you still had the chance of saving your marriage. I will say I did it for your kid who cries all the time and doesn't want to lose her parents."

Cindy stared at me again. She realized I was daring her to go public. I had called her bluff, but this time I had the upper hand. She HAD waited too long. She WAS married.  She DID have a child.  Everything I said contradicted everything she said. She could very easily end up looking like a desperate fool if she wasn't careful.

"Who is she, Rick? Who is the other woman?"

I took a moment to think. Something was tugging at me. I decided to go for broke and end it here.

"Look, I know you are upset about this new woman and I don't blame you for a moment. But you are MARRIED and I haven't seen one ACT that makes me think you are serious about leaving your husband. I have nothing but empty words to show for the past six months."

She grew quiet. That is when I made the biggest mistake of my life.  Through her silence, Cindy gave me just enough rope to hang myself.

"The moment you decide you are definitely willing to become my life partner... and convince me that my goals are goals which you can willingly embrace... that is when I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships I now have. I will give 100% to making OUR relationship work. No one else. Just you and I, doing the best we can to share our lives together.

But until that moment arrives, I do not want to be questioned about how I spend my free time. What we do with our free time is our own business."

Cindy just sat there looking defeated.

"I love you very much, Cindy. Despite all the pain and confusion, I know that we are both very close to being what each other wants. And I still remember the time when we were incredibly close. That's the memory I want to hang on to."

Cindy said she needed some time to think about what I had said. I told her I understood.

As I drove home, I smiled. This was my triumphant "Farewell" speech. I honestly thought I was free at last.

Ironically I did not even begin to realize I had just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  I did not realize I had given her a choice...

"The moment you decide... to become my life partner...  I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships."

Famous last words - those words would come back to haunt me... Soon.

THE FIRST PHONE CALL

That night Cindy called for me at Stevens of Hollywood.  She said she wanted to talk to me.  I asked if it could wait till morning.  I intended to see Madame X that night to find out what Madame X had decided on her weekend visit.  Cindy said no, it was too important for that. I said to come by the studio. Cindy said no, it was too important for that.

I said where. She said, "I want to meet at your house."

Sick to my stomach, I said, "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Cindy said, "Today you had a lot to say. You owe me this request. I want to talk in private. This is important."

Cindy was right; I owed her that much.

THE SECOND PHONE CALL

I called Madame X and told her about Cindy's request for a meeting.  She did not sound very happy.  No surprise there. I asked her about her weekend. She replied, "This is not the time."

I was floundering. I had no way of reading this woman's mind. "Any suggestions?"

This is what she said. "Go to Cindy. She needs you." 

Was it my imagination or had Humphrey Bogart just told Ingrid Bergman that Laszlo needed her??

SOMEBODY'S KNOCKING... SHOULD I LET THEM IN?

I opened the door. Cindy was crying. I could see she had a suitcase in her hand. She asked if she could spend the night.

Did I have the guts to tell Cindy the deal was off with her standing there on my doorstep?

As I stared at her, my gut told me not to let her come in, but I saw no choice.  The woman deserved respect.  Besides, she looked pretty desperate. I did not want to consider what she would do if I sent her away.

Cindy told me she could not bear to lose me. She said she had juggled her husband and me as long as she could while she figured it out. But the prospect of the Mysterious Madame X was too intimidating for her to bear. There was something about my eyes that day that had betrayed I was serious about this woman.

Cindy looked me in the eye and said she had told her husband she was moving in with me.  He said, "Go for it."  He wanted it to end too. She said in some ways he seemed relieved. She waited till her child was asleep, then drove over.

There is an old saying a woman never forgets the men she could have had; but didn't. A man never forgets the women he shouldn't have had.

In both of our cases, this adage was correct. Cindy was not going to spend the rest of her life wondering about me, the one who got away. Just moments from my planned escape, she had reached out to catch me by the ankle.

My fatal mistake had been to make my Farewell Speech that morning.

Cindy could not bear the thought of losing me, the man she could have had, until the very moment she was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was walking out the door. She knew tonight was the night I was going to "the other woman".  And as always, her instincts were absolutely right.

And of course in my case, I have never forgotten Cindy because she was the one woman in my life that I should NOT have had.

(Note: There was a way out, but it never occurred to me at the time.

There were several people I could have called to come over and intervene in the name of "friendship". With a third party around, I think I could have wiggled out of this.

Too bad I wasn't that clever. I just thought of it as I was typing this story twenty-five years later, or should I say I thought of it about twenty-five years too late??)

Now as we sat in the living room talking, I looked desperately for a way out of this trap. I did not want Cindy here... except that I did.  What the hell is wrong with me!!?!!?

Half of me was screaming to run like mad for Madame X.

The other half of me wanted to have the woman who had been the object of forbidden thought, desire, and fantasy for over a year.

Do I choose the woman who has been instrumental in launching my career to exciting new heights, the woman with the most charisma of any person I had ever met, the woman who is sitting on my couch right now begging for my love?

Or do I choose the quiet, decent woman who has been in my life for all of a month and a half, someone who might love me or might be getting married to someone else next month?

One woman had DANGER written all over her.

The other woman had SECURITY written all over her. 

Except... that's when it dawned on me that Madame X might be waiting to tell me that her wedding date was set.  Somehow I doubted it, but it was a real possibility.

"Excuse me, Cindy, I need to make a phone call to see if my other woman is getting married or not. Just give me a minute."  (No, I'm kidding, I did not make that phone call.)

How did I ever get myself in this position?  I had to choose.

It occurred to me that I was actually curious to find out if Cindy and I could rekindle that spark which had burned so brightly back in April. That possibility could not be overlooked. And then there was one more factor, the one that finally made the difference. That morning I had promised Cindy I would be there for her if she ever committed to me. Mind you, it had been part of my "Farewell Speech", but now I found myself trapped by my own words. "The moment you decide... to become my life partner...  I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships." Checkmated by my own move.  How stupid could I get?  So despite a very heavy heart, I put my arm around Cindy and told her to stay.

Chapter Five:  Cindy's Infamous U-Turn