"There is a Time for Playing it Safe and a Time for Risky Business" 

Chapter Six:  The U-Turn

Cindy just stared at me blankly. I expected rage, but she just stared. This confirmed to me that she really was certain I was seeing someone. 

"Who is she?"

"You don't even know her," I lied.

The truth was Cindy did not know Madame X by name, but would have probably at least recognized her if I pointed her out. 

"Who is she?"

"Look, Cindy, we've been through this before with Joanne and Susie. We are going to do this one my way. Her identity stays secret for now."

We argued for a while until Cindy realized I wasn't going to budge.

"What do you want, Rick?  The last time I checked, you and I were discussing moving in together."  Ouch.

"I have been asking you to make up your mind for three months. It's not my fault you left the door open. You were married and living with your husband the whole time. "

"I would think given the seriousness of my decision you would have the decency to at least keep your pants on till I figured out what is best for all us."

"How am I supposed to know if you are keeping your pants on?"

"You know darn well my husband and I sleep in separate rooms!!"

"So you say. Listen, we have argued about this a million times. You are a mess. I am a mess. Your husband is a mess. All three of us are miserable. You say your kid cries a lot and is afraid of losing her parents. Why not admit how senseless it is to break up a marriage for something as risky as our relationship?"

"I need more time."

"Dammit Cindy, that is what you have been saying for six months. What is magically going to come along to change this impasse?  One month from now it will be the same story!  This has got to end."

"Rick, you forget something. I am in love with you. And you are supposed to be in love with me."

"Cindy, I COULD be in love with you, but I can't be in love with you unless you make a commitment to me. I can't turn my feelings on and off.  The risk of losing you is too great. I won't let myself get hurt."

"What about my threat to hurt you if you leave me?"

"I don't care any more. Your threat was valid in September, but that time has passed.  I will tell the world you had three months to decide. That counts for something court of public opinion. Furthermore I will wrap myself in the guise of being noble. I will say I broke it off because it was the right thing to do. I will point out that we have never slept together. I will say I had no choice but to break away while you still had the chance of saving your marriage.  I will say I did it for your kid who cries all the time and doesn't want to lose her parents."
 

Cindy stared at me again. She realized I was daring her to go public. I had called her bluff, but this time I had the upper hand. She HAD waited too long. She WAS married.  She DID have a child.  Everything I said contradicted everything she said. She could very easily end up with her Blackmail Threat backfiring.  She would look like a desperate fool who jilted her husband and crippled her child in the process if she wasn't careful.

"Who is she, Rick?  Who is the other woman?"

I took a moment to think. Something was tugging at me. I decided to go for broke and end it here.

"Look, Cindy, I know you are upset about this new woman and I don't blame you for a moment. But you are MARRIED and I haven't seen one ACTION on your part that makes me think you are serious about leaving your husband. I have nothing but empty words to show for the past six months."

She grew quiet.

"The moment you decide you are definitely willing to become my life partner... and convince me that my goals are goals which you can willingly embrace... that is when I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships I now have. I will give 100% to making OUR relationship work. No one else. Just you and I, doing the best we can to share our lives together.

But until that moment arrives, I do not want to be questioned about how I spend my free time. What we do with our free time is our own business."

Cindy just sat there looking defeated.  I had no way of knowing I had just made the single biggest mistake of my life. 

"I love you very much, Cindy. Despite all the pain and confusion, I know that we are both very close to being what each other wants. And I still remember the time when we were incredibly close. That's the memory I want to hang on to."

Cindy said she needed some time to think about what I had said. I told her I understood.

As I drove home, I smiled. This was my triumphant "Farewell" speech. I honestly thought I was free at last.

How stupid of me to think I was free. I would never be free.  What was my mistake?  I did not realize I had given her a choice.
 

"The moment you decide... to become my life partner...  I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships."

Famous Last Words of a Fool - those words would come back to haunt me... Soon.
 

THE FIRST PHONE CALL

That night Cindy called for me at Stevens of Hollywood.  I was in the middle of teaching dance class; someone came and got me. 

If I had a brain, I would have told the lady to tell Cindy I would call her back and then conveniently forget about calling her back.  But, no, not me.  I was being magnanimous.  I was afraid she was upset and might need me to cheer her up a little. 

Cindy said she wanted to talk to me.  I asked if it could wait till morning. I didn't tell her, but I intended to see Madame X that night to find out what Madame X had decided on her weekend visit.  Cindy said no, it was too important for that. I said to come by the studio. Cindy said no, it was too important for that.

I said where. She said, "I want to meet at your house."

Uh oh.  Sick to my stomach, I said, "I don't think that's such a good idea."

Cindy said, "Today you had a lot to say. You owe me this request. I want to talk in private. This is important."

Cindy was right; I owed her that much.  Okay.
 

THE SECOND PHONE CALL

I called Madame X and told her about Cindy's request for a meeting.  She did not sound very happy.  No surprise there. I asked her about her weekend. She replied, "This is not the time."

I was floundering. I had no way of reading this woman's mind. "Any suggestions?"

This is what Madame X said. "Go to Cindy. She needs you." 

This didn't sound good.  Was it my imagination or was Humphrey Bogart going to lose Ingrid Bergman to Laszlo??  I needed an ending to Casablanca where Rick gets the girl.

SOMEBODY'S KNOCKING... SHOULD I LET HER IN?

I opened the door. Cindy was crying. I could see she had a suitcase in her hand. She asked if she could spend the night.

Uh oh. Make that double uh oh.

Did I have the guts to tell Cindy the deal was off with her standing there on my doorstep?

As I stared at her, my gut told me not to let her come in, but I saw no choice.  The woman deserved respect.  Besides, she looked pretty desperate. I did not want to consider what she would do if I sent her away.

Cindy told me she could not bear to lose me. She said she had juggled Michael and me as long as she could while she figured it out. But the prospect of losing me to the Mysterious Madame X was too intimidating for her to bear. There was something about my eyes that day that had betrayed I was serious about this woman.  Remind me to wear sunglasses next time.

Cindy looked me in the eye and said she had told Michael she was moving in with me.  He said, "Go for it."   Michael had been going through the same misery for six months. He wanted it to end too.  Cindy said in some ways he seemed relieved. She waited till her child was asleep, then drove over.

There is an old saying that a woman never forgets the men she could have had; but didn't. A man never forgets the women he shouldn't have had.

In both of our cases, this adage was correct.

Cindy was not willing to spend the rest of her life wondering about me, the one she could have had who got away. Just moments from my planned escape, she had reached out to catch me by the ankle.  I was tackled one phone call from freedom.  I had broken my rule... don't answer the phone at night.

And as for me, I have definitely never forgotten Cindy, the woman I shouldn't have had.

My fatal mistake was my Farewell Speech that morning.

Cindy said I had convinced her beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was walking out the door. Cindy could not bear the thought of losing me. She knew tonight was the night I was going to "the other woman".   As always, her instincts were absolutely right.

There she was, suitcase in her hand, with her husband Michael completely aware of what she was doing.  She had just met my condition set long ago... all the way back in May. I had said if Cindy told her husband she was calling it quits on her marriage and moved out of her house, then I would be there for her. But until that happened, we had to behave. 

I never thought she would do it.  But there she was.  Now I was trapped.  By my own words, no less.

There actually was a way out, but it never occurred to me at the time. There were several people I could have called to come over and intervene in the name of "friendship". With a third party around, I think I could have wiggled out of this.  Too bad I wasn't that clever. I didn't actually think of this until 2006 as I was typing this story.  So much for thinking fast on my feet.

Now as we sat in the living room talking, I was desperately torn.  I did not want Cindy here... except that I realized I also did. This woman had just taken the biggest gamble of her life for me.  What the hell is wrong with me!!?!!?

Half of me was screaming to run like mad for Madame X.

The other half of me wanted to have the woman who had been the object of forbidden thought, desire, and fantasy for an entire year.

Do I choose the woman who has been instrumental in launching my career to exciting new heights, the woman with the most charisma of any person I had ever met, the woman who is sitting on my couch right now begging for my love?

Or do I choose the quiet, decent woman who has been in my life for all of a month, someone who might love me or might be getting married to someone else?

One woman had DANGER written all over her.

The other woman had SECURITY written all over her. 

Except... that's when it dawned on me that Madame X might be waiting to tell me that her wedding date was set.  Somehow I doubted it, but it was a real possibility.

I desperately wanted to call Madame X and ask her if she was still available, but it didn't seem like the appropriate thing to do.

How did I ever get myself in this position?  I had to choose.

It occurred to me that I was actually curious to find out if Cindy and I could rekindle that spark which had burned so brightly back in April. That possibility could not be overlooked. And then there was one more factor, the one that finally made the difference. That morning I had promised Cindy I would be there for her if she ever committed to me. Mind you, it had been part of my "Farewell Speech", but now I found myself trapped by my own words. "The moment you decide... to become my life partner...  I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships." Due to my aggressive actions that morning, Cindy's panic had brought her to my doorstep in a state of near-desperation.  Checkmated by my own words.  How stupid could I get?

 

Cindy had taken an enormous risk. Now that she was here in my living room, a divorce seemed likely.  Who knows what kind of mood her husband Michael was in. Her whole world could quite possibly come crumbling down.    Cindy had finally made a commitment to me. The other woman had not.

I wasn't sure I was happy about this, but I agreed to let her stay because Cindy had finally shown some guts. Cindy had a lot more to lose than I did.

For me to jump off the roller coaster ride now would be unfair to Cindy. After all we had been through, I owed her this much.

So with a fatalistic shrug and a very heavy heart, I put my arm around Cindy and told her to stay.

Cindy officially became the first woman I ever lived with.  However it didn't last very long - six days.

That week I learned a lesson I will never forget as long as I live. The bond between a mother and a child is unfathomably powerful. Experience is a comb that life throws you after you have lost your hair.  This was another one of those lessons I learned "after I lost my hair". Cindy began to miss her daughter from the moment she walked through my door. Her pain over leaving her daughter doomed our impromptu living experiment from Day One.  Cindy was constantly leaving to to be back with her child.

Furthermore, she refused to bring the girl here.  I quickly figured out that until the daughter put one foot in my house, this relationship had no chance to ever work.

You would assume that any fool would know this ahead of time, but not me. I had come from a broken home. My father left my life when I was nine.  For the next nine years, my mother was usually preoccupied with her own problems.  I was about as neglected a child as you might ever meet. I practically raised myself.  On the positive side, that's how I became independent.  However, there was one drawback -I had little insight into the inner workings of a good mother. Thanks to my own rotten childhood, I assumed all mothers could ditch their kids willy nilly. Not that I wanted Cindy to do that, but I assumed it wasn't that hard to do. 

Wrong.

Cindy was the first good mother I had ever seen up close with adult eyes.  For all her shortcomings, Cindy was a dedicated, deeply conscientious mother who loved her child dearly.

The first morning of our new relationship got off to an ominous start.  When Cindy awoke the morning after her 'Leap of Faith', she was immediately rendered numb and senseless with guilt.

There was no cuddling with me. There were no good-morning smiles. There was no kiss.  In fact, I didn't exist. All Cindy could say was, "What have I done?  What have I done to my child?"  That was the entire extent of our conversation.  That brings up a question.  Can you have a conversation when only one person speaks?

I didn't say a word.  I just sat there and watched her in astonishment as she threw on her clothes.  This was the most unpredictable woman I had ever met.

Cindy was absolutely forlorn over leaving her six year old.  She quickly got dressed, and then raced out of my house to go home and take care of her child so her husband could go to work.

Why hadn't this been discussed last night?
 

THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE As she drove away, I stood there speechless. Cindy hadn't really moved out of her house. She just came over to spend the night.  I felt tricked.  How the hell did I let her fool me like this? Now I was sick with disgust over Cindy's bull-headed move and stricken with fear about how this would turn out.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized how badly my gamble the day before had back-fired. I was filled with regret at my own stupidity. If I had just called her bluff and told her the Blackmail Stuff was over, the gamble might have worked. Why did I have to add Madame X into the mix?  That was dumb too.

On the other hand, I didn't have a great hand to play. Thanks to Madame X meeting her fiancé, I had pushed up my own time table.  I was scared to death of losing Madame X.  Cindy pushed up her time table because she was scared to death of losing me.  My own panic and Cindy's panic served as an example of what happens when you start betting with scared money. Cindy's car turned the corner with a screech. The moment she was out of sight, waves of self-loathing came flooding in.  Marry in haste, repent at leisure.  Hmm. In the movie Risky Business, all the gambles worked. In Real Life, obviously sometimes they don't.  That's why they are called "Gambles".

I TURN, U TURN, THE WORLD TURNS

It was now Tuesday, Day Two. So which of Cindy's personalities showed up on my doorstep that night?  Sugar Cindy?  Nope.  Evil Cindy?  Nope.  It was the return of the Helpless Sniveling Whining Woman. Cindy began crying the moment she entered my house.

I don't really need to explain Day Three, Four, or Five.  Each day was a repeat of the previous one.  The crying never stopped for a week.

Here is a daily synopsis of our activities.

Each morning Cindy would get up at the crack of dawn, drive back to her home, meet her husband Michael at the door as he went to work, spend the day with the child, cry a lot, wait for Michael to come home to take over kid duties, go to the studio at night, then come back to my house to cry all night long, drive me crazy, sleep an hour or two, then get up in the morning and start this fiasco over again. 

Are we having fun yet?

During the Six Days, Cindy and I made a very unpleasant discovery - we did not do well as lovers. No wild nights of passion for us.  Too much distrust, too much pain.  The biggest problem was guilt.  We both felt it; we both regretted what we were doing.  This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.

The moment I would touch her, Cindy would start to cry uncontrollably. I am not going to spell it out, but let's just say I didn't have much enthusiasm.  An entire year of lust and now this. This phase of our relationship fizzled out like a defective firecracker.  Nor would it ever be rekindled.

Who knows?  Maybe that's another reason she moved back home. We were both disappointed our long awaited romance had waited too long.  Now I know where the word "anti-climactic" comes from.

Although I was sick with dismay at how utterly horrible this experiment had turned out, I did manage to make a couple of interesting observations. When it came to their daughter, Cindy and Michael worked like a Swiss Watch.  They created a carefully orchestrated dance to take care of their daughter. The precision with which Cindy showed up on time and Michael showed up on time to hand the forlorn kid off to the next shift was a marvelous display of teamwork and cooperation.  When you factor in that both people had to be in deep pain, this precision becomes even more impressive.  For two people who hated each other at the moment, they sure made good teammates. They were both deeply responsible, committed parents. It breaks my heart seeing how much they cared for that kid and how they were absolutely filled with grief and guilt over this mistake. My other observation was that even though I was theoretically a key player in this Greek Tragedy, I sometimes wondered if I was really just the pawn in a gigantic domestic power struggle. I felt like I had been set up.  I clearly had NEVER wanted to break up their marriage.  I didn't ask Cindy to show up on my doorstep.  But technicalities like this tend to get overlooked depending on who tells the story. I was now certain I was going to be the Bad Guy in this Passion Play. What a chump I was.  I had no doubt if husband or wife were to do the rewrite, I would certainly be cast as the villain. I asked myself over and over how did I ever get myself into this mess. Mercifully, Cindy's "Leap of Faith" didn't last very long. This unhappy charade ended after one week. As she rose on the sixth morning, Saturday, Cindy began to pack. When I asked what this meant, Cindy announced she was moving back home. She said she had made her mind up that night. This was quite a surprise.  I tried my best to look sorry, but the truth was I overjoyed. I do not recall experiencing any joy that entire week. Cindy cried practically the entire time she was at my house.  This experiment had been an exercise in non-stop SHEER MISERY! MORE BLACKMAIL The Return of the Snarling Tiger Woman Later that morning, Cindy called me to explain her decision.  She said that yesterday, Friday, she had consulted an attorney regarding how to protect herself thanks to her husband's divorce threat. She was worried about losing custody of her child and with good reason. The attorney said she stood vulnerable to an accusation of "abandonment" unless she moved back home immediately.  Last night between sobs, Cindy had thought it over and decided to move back home.  She just didn't have the heart to tell me. At this revelation, I silently rejoiced.  Aw, gee, what a shame. This may be the only time in my entire life that I ever said 'thank you' to a lawyer and I didn't even know who he was. This whole U-Turn mess revolved around her daughter. In the year I had known Cindy, she had made no attempt to involve me in her daughter's world.  Furthermore, during her six-day U-Turn Week, there was no mention of fixing up the extra room in my house for her daughter.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized Cindy's decision to show up on my doorstep was a stupid, spur of the moment impulsive act that she would probably regret for the rest of her life.  Why didn't she think about her child in the first place?  Now I began to speculate what would come next. Did I dare hope my liberation was at hand? Would Cindy cry her head off and beg her husband for forgiveness?  Would she crawl back to her security nest and try to restore her Sunshine Life?  Would she listen this time when Michael banished her from the studio? That would free me up to rush into the arms of Madame X!  We would rekindle the spark that had burned so brightly at the start.  Perhaps we would get engaged and take a romantic trip across the seas. And we would all live happily ever after! Yeah, maybe in the movies. But not in my life.  Events swiftly took a darker turn. To my unimaginable shock, once Cindy returned home, she actually got strong again!  The woman seemed to have dark magic to call on. In my opinion, that house of hers strengthened her powers just like Count Dracula's castle. After Cindy moved home, she quickly reverted to the Blackmail Monster. Quickly Cindy threw me not one, but two major curveballs.  First she said that just because she had moved back home, since we had finally had sex, I was now officially her boyfriend.  Where she lived didn't matter - I was hers and she was mine.  I pointed out the little technicality that her husband was still there.  That's when she threw a little surprise at me - at her insistence, Michael had begun to look for his own apartment. Cindy informed me that she had taken the greatest risk of her life, she had done it for me, and for me to desert her at this point would prove to the entire world that my promises had been hollow and empty. That meant Madame X would have to go. Second, the lawyer had informed her that in his opinion, she had a strong case against me for wrongful termination if I tried to get rid of her at the studio. In fact, Cindy had been told she would be entitled to receive a fair share of my business or at least compensation for her many contributions... FIRST she would collect her money and THEN she would go ahead and ruin me for good measure. She looked me in the eye. She told me in no uncertain terms that she was planning to stick around. This was her dance studio too and, based on the brief week we spent together, I was officially her boyfriend in her eyes and the eyes of the world.   In essence, I was stuck with her now whether I liked it or not.  I felt the noose tighten. For starters, I was stunned by Cindy's supernatural will.  For an entire week, I had watched this once proud woman reduced to a never-ending bucket of tears. She moaned continually how she had made the mistake of a lifetime and ruined her wonderful marriage.  She had about as much strength as a boxer laying on the mat after a knockout punch. I should have put a stake through her heart when I had the chance. Too late now. Just like in the movies, Cindy had miraculously regained all her power!  She had just risen from the Undead! I had to admit Cindy's otherworldly strength definitely caught me off guard. This time I did not open my big mouth. I just listened to what she had to say. I didn't like what I heard.  I was ready to fight back, her new strength notwithstanding.  I did not appreciate being dictated to by a woman I was now positive I did not love.  I was prepared to stand up to her.  I had been thinking about Cindy's Blackmail.  Now that she had pulled her U-Turn, her position had weakened significantly.  I believed I had a fighting chance to win the PR war.  After all, hadn't I given Cindy the chance she asked for?  Didn't Cindy beg to be let in the door?  Didn't I let her in the door?  And didn't she move right back out of my house of her own free will six days later?  In essence, Cindy turned her back on me.  That gave me a huge edge in any he said/she said PR battle that might arise. Let her keep her job.  Fine.  But she didn't have any papers on me.  I was ready for the Revolution to begin.   NOT SO FAST, BUDDY The night Cindy left, I visited Madame X to see where she stood.  During Cindy Flipflop's one-week stay at my house in October 1979, I had been in constant communication with Madame X.  We talked nearly every day. Madame X said she had told her fiancé she wasn't ready to set a date, but that she was still his fiancé.  In other words, she simply bought herself some more time.  I tried to explain to her that this experiment was certain to fail. It had been a fiasco from the start. But my explanations failed to calm Madame X's fears and disappointment. She was completely and totally traumatized.  For starters, she didn't like sharing me with Cindy one bit. She knew full well that Cindy and I had finally crossed the forbidden line.  Madame X kept telling me that I should be with Cindy, that Cindy needed me.  Mme X never said it out loud, but I think she was pretty angry at me for letting Cindy move in.  She was also disgusted with my weakness.  It seemed whenever Cindy snapped her fingers, I would obey.   Madame X was skeptical I would ever have the strength to get rid of this woman.  I didn't dare tell her that Susie had said the exact same thing many times. "Look, the woman showed up on my doorstep in tears.  Cindy said I had promised her if she ever moved out of her home, I would be there for her. What was I supposed to do?" "You could have just let her in.  There was no reason why you had to sleep with her." "Cindy insisted.  She said she had just thrown her marriage away and left her child for me.  Now it was my turn to prove my love for her." "My God, you should listen to yourself.  There are plenty of ways to prove your love for her that have nothing to do with sex.  Bottom line, you had a choice.  You chose her over me.  I will never forget that.  How do you expect a relationship with me to work when we both know you chose another woman at a critical moment?  How do you expect me to ever trust you again completely?  This moment will stick in my mind for the rest of my life!" "You self-righteous jerk!  Here you are engaged to be married and you think you have some sort of goddamn moral high ground that gives you the right to point a finger at me?  If you had ditched your fiancé like I asked you to, we wouldn't be in this spot to begin with. I stood up to Cindy on Monday morning because I was scared to death of losing you!" That shut her up, but it didn't bring her back to me.  We both took a deep breath and tried to calm down. When the conversation resumed, I told Madame X that I felt deceived and manipulated.  The more I analyzed Cindy's suitcase at the doorstep move, the more I realized her desperate move didn't have a snowball's chance of working.  Why didn't I confront Cindy about her plans for her daughter's well-being?  If I had done that, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. Cindy's selfish move hurt me, hurt her husband, and hurt her daughter.  What was she thinking?  But I had kept my end of the bargain - I had said I would never have an affair with her behind her husband's back, but if she would leave Michael, then I would be there for her.  It was not my fault Cindy moved back home, but when she did, her actions released me from my obligation to her. And I was pretty sure I could communicate this point of view to the students at the studio if Cindy went scorched earth on me.  Now I asked Madame X to forgive me. If she would stand by me through whatever turmoil Cindy stirred up, then I would do everything in my power to move my life in a direction away from Cindy.  Let's try again. Please? No so fast, Buddy. Madame X pulled the rug out from under my feet.  She said she wasn't buying it. Madame X was clearly unhappy. She told me she was deeply traumatized by the utter insanity of my day-to-day life.  She believed that even if I stood up to Cindy, this woman would make my life miserable for a long time. "What's next, Rick?  Do you have any clue what Cindy will do?  She is unpredictable and dangerous.  There is no way you can have a public fight with Cindy and expect your studio not to be damaged." Madame X was disgusted by the drama.  Madame X wanted STABILITY in her life, not this insane nitroglycerine volatility known as 'Cindy Flipflop' attached to my ankle.  She wanted out  Faint Heart Madame X was an accountant.  People who become accountants prefer an ordered world where things add up.  Madame X did not enjoy being out of control in the slightest. My life was a never-ending insanity... and it affected Madame X deeply.  I had betrayed her.  Even worse, Madame X accepted that her own indecisiveness had played a big part in my decision.  She blamed me, she blamed herself.  She could have me if she wanted me, but how was I ever going to get rid of the chains attached at my ankle? Madame agonized constantly over what to do. She began to lose weight and lose sleep. She had trouble concentrating at work.  Madame X couldn't take it any more.  She was losing her mind!  She had to find a way to put her house back in order.  She knew that Cindy now considered me to be her boyfriend.  She was worried that a confrontation between her and Cindy was inevitable if she stayed in my life.  Madame X knew what had happened to Susie and Joanne.  She dreaded having to go face to face with the notorious dragon slayer! Madame X decided to withdraw.  Before the U-Turn, I was single and available. Now in Madame X's eyes, I belonged to another woman. She had no desire to share me.  I pointed out the obvious inconsistency in her code of honor.  After all, she had been quite willing to be my lover and be engaged simultaneously.  Maybe so, but Madame X said she had to follow her feelings. She said in her heart, she "felt" like I belonged to Cindy now, not to her.  Previously she felt like I belonged to her.  It hurt like hell to let that witch have me for that week.  And she had no guarantee it wouldn't happen again. She wanted to back off.  A memory crossed my mind. I remembered how furious I had been when Susie decided to fly to LA to see if she could rekindle any flames with her old boyfriend George.  What I had done to Madame X with Cindy was a hell of a lot worse than that.  Madame X had every right to be furious with me.  Madame X had every right to be hurt. Confronted by Madame X's cold feet, I was fit to be tied. I had been ready to fight Cindy for my studio and for this woman I cared about. All I needed was some encouragement.  Madame X shook her head.  Go to Cindy.  Take care of Cindy.  I looked at her carefully. Here was a woman who was fearless when performing risky acrobatics, but had zero guts when it came to fighting for her heart.  Go figure. I swear - Just one sign of encouragement from Madame X and I would have risked standing up to Cindy. But the X-Factor would not give it to me.  The other possibility was she didn't care about me as much as I thought she had.  But I didn't believe that.  More likely, she was just too hurt to want to try again, at least not right now. Either way, without any encouragement, what was the point of going up against Cindy alone?   I did not see what I would gain from jeopardizing my relationship with Cindy and putting my studio at risk if this woman would not stand by me.  I told Madame X it was time for me to go.  She nodded her agreement.  As I walked down those stairs from her apartment, I had never felt more depressed in my life. I was losing a woman I thought I loved for another woman who spent her time manipulating me, blackmailing me and making me miserable.  But without any encouragement, what choice did I have?  I resigned myself to my fate.  From this point on, I assumed the role of being Cindy's sometime boyfriend. Maybe with time Madame X would regain her courage...

THE SECOND GAMBLE At the same time that my love life was in total shambles, I had a second problem on my hands.  In September 1979 I had taken the two biggest gambles of my life.  One gamble - telling Cindy about Madame X - had failed miserably.  Now it looked like my other gamble - accepting the Meyerland Club opportunity - was about to fail as well.  I was in deep trouble. Failure was my constant companion.

Chapter Seven:  Return of the Outcast