MYSTERY OF THE TEXAS TWOSTEP

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED THREE:

JUNGLE FEVER

Written by Rick Archer 

LIMBO MONTH TWENTY EIGHT
OCTOBER 1981

UNCHAINED
 

When I was 8 years old, the movie Hercules Unchained made a big impression on me.  Hercules drinks from a magic spring and is hypnotized by a harem girl.  After losing his memory, Hercules becomes the weakling plaything of a Wicked Queen.  At the end of the movie Hercules remembers who he is.  Once freed from the shackles of his tortured mind, Hercules goes on a rampage.  I loved watching Hercules get revenge.

Suddenly I was free of my personal Wicked Queen.  Victoria's departure from the upcoming Halloween Party opened my cage.  Watch out, girls, Rick is loose.  Due to my prolonged thirst, I was ready to go on a rampage of my very own.  I was free to indulge my long-awaited desire to chase women. 

It's my party and I'll do what I want!

Although I promised myself I had no intention of chasing women at the party, this was self-deception at its worst.  My conscience could be a real pain in the butt sometimes.  Deep down, I was dying to let loose.  Despite Victoria's invisible strings, I saw no reason why I couldn't at least scout for future girlfriends given the circumstances.  Who knows, maybe I could line up a few prospects for the much-anticipated liberation that surely awaited just around the corner.

Dressed as a footloose and fancy free Sailor Boy, I planned to dance with abandon, flirt at every opportunity, and do whatever I pleased.  At first I had been nervous over Victoria's absence, but now I was excited to run the party on my terms for the first time.  I wanted to prove to myself I could throw a successful Halloween Party without Victoria's help.  What was there to worry about?  Put up the decorations and get the music ready!  What else did I have to do?   Not much really.  Figuring the Halloween Party would pretty much run itself, I decided to concentrate on having fun just like everyone else. 

As one can imagine, my frivolous attitude had consequences.  Free to drink as much as I wanted, the resulting oblivion became the third nail in my coffin.  I was far more interested in having a good time than I was in being a responsible studio owner who keeps a careful eye on the proceedings.  Which is another way of saying the party lacked adult supervision.   Although I personally did nothing offensive to be ashamed of, I do regret letting the party get out of control.

In the days leading up to the party, Bob insisted he intended to take his role as Brew Master very seriously.  I gave him a hard time and said he was exaggerating as usual.  However, it turned out Bob was not kidding.  Bob was really good at this.

Bob found the perfect costume for the occasion.  Dressed as the Mad Wizard with cloak and conical Magician's hat, Bob certainly looked the part as he stirred his concoction.  Bob cleverly added dry ice to give his work the appearance of a mystical Wizard's Potion.  The resulting illusion was quite impressive.  The eerie smoke emanating from the Wizard's Cauldron added to the illusion of a magical, mystical Strange Brew.

Nor did it hurt that Carol, Bob's attractive date, served as his Magician's Assistant.  At the start of the party, everyone got in line so Carol could ladle up the brew with a big smile.  Carol stayed busy because there were plenty of people ready to give the punch a try.  As Carol filled each person's cup, with an evil wink she warned them to watch out, Bob was trying to poison the entire party.  Then she would cackle....  Bwha ha ha!

Carol's remark was very ironic.  Bob's Strange Brew was more dangerous than I ever imagined.  And so the Bacchanalia beckoned.

Typically dance parties take their time to warm up.  Not tonight.  Bob's Strange Brew worked fast.  Aided by the Wicked Wizard Punch, our party quickly sprang into action.  Throughout the night, Bob hovered over his Wizard's Cauldron making sure there was ample supply for everyone.  Bob's concoction not only tasted delicious, it had our guests smiling from the get-go.  Bob was proud of himself.  As well he should.  Bob was the star of the night!  Everyone was having such a blast, they wasted no time misbehaving.  We danced, we laughed, we carried on, we made complete fools of ourselves.  The costumes were amazing, the women were beautiful, the music was great, the dance floor was mobbed, the party was perfect.  Gosh we were having fun!  We were young and bold with a night that promised great adventure.

"Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end.  We'd sing and dance forever and a day..."

To my surprise, Jann was nowhere to be seen.  What a shame.  If Jann had been there, I believe the party would have had a better outcome.  Jann did not drink.  She also had a great deal of influence on me.  Jann would have insisted I limit my drinking and pay better attention to my role as host.  On the other hand, if Jann had been there, I probably would not have remained unattached for very long.  

However, as it stood, a beautiful woman saw an opening and asked me to dance.  Her name was Elizabeth, Liz for short.  I had never met her before.  What a beauty and what a figure.  She was also brilliant.  Liz was head nurse of her unit at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the city.  Nor did her charms end there.  Her hobby was folk dancing, so Liz came dressed as a gypsy.  She was quite a dancer, certainly the equal to any gypsy.  Hypnotized by her sensuous movement, I concluded Elizabeth was a serious babe.  She was easily the most impressive woman I had met since the mythical Jennifer two years ago.  Could Elizabeth be the next great love of my life?  It sure felt that way.  We were definitely off to one heck of a start. 

As the evening wore on, I wanted to grab Liz so badly I could not see straight.  I might add Liz seemed open to the possibility.  In fact, that's what we argued about all night long.  Liz claimed that I was trying to pick her up... which of course I was.  But I pointed out that she had asked me to dance, so that meant she was trying to pick me up... which of course she was.  I like girls who argue with me, especially if they are good at it.  Pleased to see Liz refuse to back down during our silly bickering, I had definitely met my match.  I was in love.  I was also in serious lust.  For a woman like Elizabeth, Victoria was on her own from now on.

It's my party and I'll do what I want!

JIM FOGO

There was an interesting sub-plot to my evening.  It turns out I had competition for the hand of the stunning Elizabeth. 

As I have said previously, we had a cast of characters at the studio that rivaled anyone the script writers of Cheers could dream up.  One of those characters was a lawyer named Jim Fogo.  He was a very unique guy.  Jim insisted we call him 'Fogo'.  He said no one had ever forgotten his name because he was the only 'Fogo' in the Universe.  Come to think of it, he was right about that. 

Fogo brought his camera to the party.  This proved to be a wonderful break for me.  Have you noticed all the pictures?  We have Jim Fogo to thank for that.  His gift for photography allowed me to chronicle the incredible events of the night far more effectively.

Based on my cursory observation, Fogo loved to chase women.  And he was good at it.  To begin with, Fogo was a consummate flirt.  I have never met anyone quicker with a funny quip than Fogo.  However, it was his skillful use of the camera that impressed me the most.  As Jim explained it, women love to get their picture taken.  Especially beautiful women.  In his opinion, beautiful women find cameras IRRESISTIBLE.  And, based on his experience, once Fogo used his camera to get to first base, women found him IRRESISTIBLE as well. 

Fogo used his camera to track the two most beautiful women at the party all night long.  One was Liz, the Gypsy in red.  The other was Cynthia, the Angel in white.  Wherever they went, Jim was nearby to take their picture.  So there you have it.  Which works better, dancing or photography?  Any man who can dance has a chance.  Ditto for cameras.  Based on how the evening played out, I would call it a toss-up. 

TEMPTATION

Prior to the party, I created a preprogrammed tape of music which played for six hours without repeating.  This was a good move because it freed me from DJ duty.  Untethered to the music, I was free to roam around and look for trouble.  Trust me, I had no difficulty finding it.  I was first in line for Wizard Bob's Magic Punch.  In practically no time at all, I was toast.  By the time I made my second visit, I had lost all interest in being a respectable host.  All I wanted to do was indulge myself and have fun.  

There were so many attractive women at this party.  Wherever I turned, there was another smiling face to capture my heart.  At all times, my promise to Victoria lurked somewhere in the back of my mind.  However, I figured if I drank enough, my conscience would be sufficiently subdued by the end of the evening.  If so, that would allow me to overlook my insincere promise to behave.

Seriously, what could Victoria do if I chose to indulge in some guilty pleasure?  Leave me?  Oh gee, what a threat!  Nevertheless, even Bob's punch was not enough to dull my conscience.  I somehow managed to keep my hands to myself.   As the evening wore on, I was ready to zero in.  I had narrowed it down to three ladies.  However, before I could make my move, Liz came out of nowhere to ask me to dance.  The moment I saw how she moved, I quickly forgot the other three.

Maybe it was Bob's Magic Punch fueling my imagination, but Liz seemed to take a shine to me as well.  Liz was something else.  Beauty, brains, sexy as all get-out.  However, I preferred not to monopolize her.  Some girls get turned off if the guy latches on to them.  So I continued to dance with other women and circulate through the party.  However, my eyes tracked Liz all night long.  To my distinct pleasure, I caught her doing the same thing.  'Look but Don't Touch'.  Forget that.  I had a sneaking suspicion my two years abstinence were about to come to an end tonight. 

My virtue had never been in more peril.   And I could care less.

JUNGLE FEVER
 

For the first two hours, my Halloween Party was a spectacular success.  Truth be told, if things had ended at 11 pm, the 1981 Party would have gone down as our best Halloween Party ever.  Everything was perfect.  But then the Downfall began.  It started when a young man named Keith found me on the dance floor.  He and the five girls were here for the performance.  Aha!  The time had come for my big surprise.  I was about to satisfy my longtime desire to share Glen's fabulous dance company with my students.  Not only would their performance thrill my crowd, it would help build the reputation of Glen's dance company.  I very much wanted to give something back to my mentor who had been so good to me.

All noble gestures aside, there were selfish motives at work.  I had a huge crush on two of the dancers in Glen's company, Connie and Jerilyn.  I was excited because both of them would be here tonight.  I could not wait to see them in action.  From what little I had seen of Glen's latest routine in rehearsal, I was impressed.  Glen called it 'Jungle Fever'.  Personally, I would have called it 'Savage Lover'.  There was a certain 'pas de deux' involving Keith and Jerilyn that was downright erotic.  Indeed, Jungle Fever was a wild routine. 

However, up until now I had been nursing one great disappointment.  To my chagrin, the girls were always dressed in leotards during rehearsal, never in costume.  This was such an incredible number that I was dying to see it performed in costume.  As luck would have it, tonight was my big chance.  In Hindsight, I suppose it was my fervent desire to see Connie and Jerilynn in action that caused me to downplay Victoria's warning.  Victoria believed some of our men were too immature to handle the allure of Glen's female dancers, especially if the ladies turned it on.  In addition, Victoria was certain our female guests would be royally irritated if the female dancers were, shall we say, 'provocative'.  But how strongly did she object?  Not nearly enough.  Victoria hinted at these things in a general way, but as all women know, some men need it spelled out.  That would include me.  Due to her silence, I had to discover these problems the hard way.  No surprise there.  Learning things the Hard Way has always been my specialty. 

Unfortunately, men don't always see things the same way women do.  It's a Mars and Venus world after all.  I knew for a fact that my guys would go out of their minds with joy if I shared this vision of glory.  I would be very popular with the men, maybe even a hero, for inviting these scintillating women to perform.  Besides, It's my party and I'll do what I want!!  To heck with Venus, Mars rules the night.

After letting me know the girls were here, Keith handed me the music for the performance.  Then he asked to open Glen's office so the girls could change in there.  When they said they would be ready in five minutes, I raised an eyebrow.  Why would it only take five minutes to change?  To my surprise, they disrobed right in front of me.  Huh?  What I did not realize is their outfits were under their clothes.  All they had to do was take their outer garments off and they were ready to go.

I gasped.  Oh my God, these girls wore the skimpiest outfits I had ever seen!   This spelled major trouble.  As God is my witness, I had no idea just how revealing their outfits were until now.  If I had known...

So much for famous last words.  I suddenly understood what Victoria was trying to explain.  But it was too late now.  I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best, then  went out to announce that I had a big surprise for everyone.  That's when the girls walked in.  The unsuspecting crowd of 125 parted to make room.  Fortunately, the girls were wearing large white robes, the kind a woman might wear to a hotel swimming pool.  Keith and the five women walked to the far wall of the Big Room to perform for us. 

As he passed by, Keith said he would signal when to start the music.  The six dancers went to a corner on the far side of the room, then dropped their robes.  The moment the guests realized Keith and the five ladies were almost completely naked, a collective gasp filled the room.  Judging by the startled reaction of the audience, I took a deep gulp.  Considering how much the guests had been drinking, I had a bad feeling about this.  Given that these people had no idea what to expect, I expected 'Jungle Fever' would hit them like a sledgehammer.  And I was right.

This was the night Las Vegas came to SSQQ. 

Right from the get-go, these girls danced with wild abandonment.  My eyes grew wider than saucers.  I had no idea these girls had such amazing bodies!  Indeed, I had no trouble imagining them dancing naked to a fertility ritual in the jungle.  

As I guessed, the crowd was in shock.  But given how truly spectacular the dancing was, a huge roar of applause soon greeted the dancers.  Pleased by their warm reception, the girls really turned it on.  With every curve of their perfect bodies on display, we were treated to the most uninhibited display of erotic sensuality I had ever seen on a dance floor.  As I watched their lurid dancing veer into dangerous territory, I was turned on and horror-stricken at the same time.  The dancing was not vulgar, but it was close.

I could not believe how wild these girls were.  To begin with, the girls were not at all modest.  They were so confident about their figures, they enjoyed being admired.  Which was a good thing because their skimpy outfits left nothing to the imagination.  With great bodies and reckless, sensual dancing, the girls' effect on inebriated men was nothing short of lethal.  In no time at all the men were practically climbing over each other to get a better view.  Some guys were so aroused they shouted cat-calls. 

The women in the audience had the exact opposite reaction.  They were dismayed by the performance.  From the moment the girls dropped their robes, the female guests shot me a barrage of disapproving glances.  If looks could kill!  Since there was nothing I could do about it, I decided to ignore their displeasure.

Swept up in the performance and more than slightly drunk, I was mesmerized by the dancing.  These girls were a joy to behold.  Nor was I alone in my appreciation.  Although the female spectators were up in arms over the tantalizing outfits, I had never seen more grateful men in my life.  There were no chairs, so the women gravitated to the back where they could stand.  Meanwhile the men sat on the floor close to the dancers to get a better look.  They were astonished by this vivid display of sensuality.  Indeed, the six dancers put on quite a show, maybe even too good.  Their dancing was suggestive and arousing.  The girls shimmied their chests, wiggled their hips, and gyrated their bodies with fierce intensity.   Glen meant for his Vegas-style dancing to be sexy and provocative.  Judging from the male reactions, Glen succeeded.  The men were panting with desire.  This was the night I discovered what happens when you mix Wicked Wizard Punch with Wanton Dancing Girls.  To my undying shame, the men grew even bolder as they screamed their heads off with wolf calls and howls.   One jerk even invited the girls to remove what little they had on. 

By the time the first number was over, the men were practically rabid.  Their wives and dates were disgusted by the shameful titty-bar behavior, but the men were beyond caring.  Drunk and overwhelmed with desire, they were barely hanging onto any semblance of self-control.  Too many bouncing breasts.  Too many long legs.  Too many come and get me smiles.  Too many bare waists and succulent thighs.  These girls were so sexy that every guy in the place was agitated, unable to sit still.  The men in front were the worst.  For whatever reason, the most inebriated men had made a special effort to crawl their way to the cheering section in front.  They sat on the floor right in front of the girls, some as close as five feet away, almost close enough to touch.  Which of course is what they wanted to do and the frightened girls knew it.  The moment the drunks started howling like wolves, the situation seemed past the point of rescue. 

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!
 

Seeing the men scream their heads off with unabashed lust, I wondered how I could ever regain control of the party.  The girls were supposed to dance a second number, but I expected any more lust would create pandemonium.  Filled with panic, I was about to turn on the lights, but the dancers had a better idea.

Without warning, Connie, the leader, took control.  "Forget the goddamn robes!" Connie screamed.  "Run, damn it, run!  Head for the door!"  Then she turned to Keith.  "Grab the robes and follow us." 

Apparently Connie figured Keith was safe.  Keith grabbed the robes and followed behind.  Connie was also correct that the girls were in real danger.  Intimidated by the blatant lust of the mob, the girls got out of there while they still could.  To everyone's surprise, right in the middle of wild, raucous applause, the five women sprinted across the room.  The girls had a long way to go.  They had to cross 70 feet to get to safety.  Making matters worse, there was no path with all those people sitting and crammed together down on the floor.  Fortunately, their dance ability saved them.  The girls were so nimble, they were able to hopscotch and tiptoe their way through the startled crowd.  Despite my panic, I actually grinned.  Now I knew why little girls practice hopscotch (just kidding). 

I was also very impressed by Connie's cool thinking.  Surrounded by a panting throng of drunk men, the girls were trapped against the far wall.  If things got out of hand, there would be no escape.  Recognizing the overwhelming danger, Connie acted fast.  Connie was in her mid-20s, but the other girls were much younger.  One girl was a high school senior.  The other three were college age.  Previously these young ladies had only performed in gay bars where the men were immune to their considerable charms.  Apparently our drunken mob was a first for the younger ones.  Tonight they learned the hard way the full extent their gorgeous bodies and ribald dancing had on the libido of drunken heterosexuals.  Given that several men appeared on the verge of grabbing one of them, Connie was smart.  By telling to the girls to run, they were gone before a raucous admirer could grab an ankle. 

Once out of the room, Connie told the four girls to go straight to the cars and wait for them.  She and Keith stayed behind to collect the clothes in Glen's office, then they left too.  But not before Connie screamed at me.  She was really mad. 

"Goddamn you!  What the hell did you get us into!?!  Glen is going to be really pissed!"

I had made a serious mistake.  So serious that there was a real possibility that next week I might be looking for a new studio.  Last year Dance Wax, this year Jungle Fever.  Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?

'Experience is a comb Life throws you after you have lost your hair.' 

ANIMAL HOUSE
 

Poof!  Thank goodness the dancers disappeared before anyone could grab them.  And don't think for a moment the men didn't want to.  The moment the dancing girls left the room, chaos ensued.   The writhing, serpentine motions of the provocative dancers had ignited passion.  The men were so overwhelmed with lust, they did not know what to do with themselves.  Some men just sat there in stupefied wonder praying the women would return for an encore.  Others raced to the Punch Room for another round of drinking. 

However quite a few lost control.  With inhibitions shattered by Wicked Brew and libidos enflamed by Jungle Fever, there was a sudden outbreak of grabbing and groping one might expect at a Frat Party gone wild.  As Victoria had warned, right before my disbelieving eyes the party transformed into Animal House. 

Toga! Toga!  

The men began pawing their dates and wives with mixed results.  A few women were drunk enough to respond in kind, but the majority were offended.   For the worst of the worst, any available female would do.  Some men grabbed women who weren't necessarily their dates or wives. The ladies did not appreciate being fondled.  Several men got slapped while others were strongly chastised. 

There were a lot of angry women in the room.  They were appalled to see these men behave like blithering idiots.  Furious at being pawed and frisked, the women were looking for someone to blame.  Where was my invisibility cloak when I needed it?  One woman after another chewed me out for inviting 'pornographic dancers' to appear.  I hated to admit it, but the women had every right to be angry.  As they pointed out, if I was going to bring naked women into the party, I should have at least warned them in advance.  I tried to explain I did not know the girls would be naked, but no one believed me.  Another reason for the intense anger was the potency of Bob's punch which had enabled such lewd behavior.  The women did not appreciate seeing how Bob's punch and the erotic dancing had turned their men into rabid sex fiends. 

It was not a pretty scene.   Watching the men make fools of themselves disturbed me just as much as it the woman.  The men were hootin' and hollerin' like madmen.  Furthermore the anguished sexual frenzy was completely inappropriate.  And it was my fault.  Definitely not my proudest moment.

The women quickly decided they weren't going to tolerate this.  With their men hopelessly out of control, many women decided to put a swift end to the disgrace.  They grabbed their husbands and dates by the hair and hauled them out of the building.  Smart move.  They were determined to get their man home before he did something he would come to regret.  Boy, was I in the doghouse!  As each woman passed me on the way out, they made sure to voice their displeasure with a dirty look or nasty comment. 

The desertion rate was phenomenal.  In the blink of an eye, 80% of the guests cleared out.  We had started with a crowd around 125.  Twenty minutes after the dancers left, we were down to 30 or so left in the building.  I was crushed to discover how badly my Jungle Fever idea had backfired.  I had ruined my wonderful party.  And there was certain to be a price to pay.  Which, of course, was correct.  However, I never dreamed just how bad my punishment would be.

THE GROUP PHOTOGRAPH

Jim Fogo had been busy photographing the Jungle Fever performance.  Now he wanted to take a group photograph.  Noting how our guests were leaving in droves, Jim was so alarmed he suggested we do a group photograph pronto before anyone else could escape. 

Jim was right, so I told him I would round up the survivors and bring them into the Big Room.  We took the Group Photo around 11:30 pm.  Due to the mass exodus, the resulting group photograph had only 21 participants. 

I should have been more upset, but at the moment Sailor Boy was off sailing into oblivion.  Imagine doing some so stupid that 100 guests would leave!  I was angry because I had ruined my party.  But you know what?  Right now I was too drunk to care.  There was nothing I could about it, so I might as well enjoy the presence of this beautiful woman beside me. 

To my grand satisfaction, Liz had chosen me over Fogo.  Shortly before the photograph was taken, the beautiful gypsy girl made a point to disengage from Fogo and move closer to me.  Fogo was supremely irritated.  He had been after Liz hot and heavy all night long, so her last-second desertion rubbed him the wrong way.

To my delight, I felt Liz place her hand on my back and squeeze my shoulder.  A very good sign indeed.  The temptation to put my arm around the Gypsy's waist was so distracting that I was able to forget I had just chased 100 guests out of the building.  A huge price to pay, but with the girl of my dreams at m side, it was worth it.   

As for Victoria, she was with her ex where she belonged.  Victoria was old enough to take care of herself.  As for Liz, I was absolutely certain she was the woman I had been waiting for.  Liz was most exciting woman I had met since Jennifer.  As for me, I was certain my Epic Losing Streak would end tonight.   

THE FOURTH NAIL IN MY COFFIN

Bob Job had used his Strange Brew to set the party on fire.  For that reason, Bob was the undisputed star of the evening.  Due to his importance, I wanted Bob in our Group Photo.  Five minutes ago Bob had told me he would be there for the picture, but now he was missing.  Where was he?  Bob's sudden disappearance should have raised an alarm bell.  However, with the stunning Elizabeth on my arm, I was far too wasted away in the Land of Magic Punch to be paying proper attention. 

What happened to Bob?  At the time I had no idea.  However, long after the damage was done, the truth came out in the post-mortem.  As the remaining 21 guests gathered for the group picture, Bob was busy replenishing the Magic Brew in another room.  He planned to stop when it was time to join us for the Group Photo.  However, his date Carol was livid.  In her opinion, Bob had shown way too much enthusiasm for the dancing girls.  Like many of the other offended women, Carol wanted to leave immediately.

When Carol informed Bob it was time to go, Bob knew better than to protest too strongly.  "We can go, but I need five minutes to finish refreshing the Cauldron."

Carol frowned mightily, but said okay.  "Make it snappy!" she barked.  As Bob worked, Carol continued to nag.  Her temper did not help matters.  Bob later admitted he was seriously rattled by her backlash.  Bob claimed his only sin had been clapping a bit too loudly, then added he may have whistled once or twice.  Nonsense.  Bob was just as drunk as me and he enjoyed the show a lot more than he was willing to admit. 

The upshot is that Carol was angry, really angry.

"Hurry up, goddamnit!  It's time to go!"

Under intense pressure to get this done as fast as possible, Bobby Wizard made a catastrophic error.  Staring at his Wizard's Cauldron, Bob had a problem.  He still had two bottles of Ever Clear left, one more than he needed.  Hmm.  What should he do with the excess?

For those unfamiliar with Ever Clear, its high alcohol content poses risks of alcohol poisoning and other dangers "if consumed in large quantities."  In his haste to leave, Bob panicked.  He did not have time to bag everything up and take it home.  Looking at the Ever Clear, Bob decided there wasn't that much left anyway, so he poured his remaining supply into the Cauldron.  Then he added enough punch to fill the Cauldron to the brim.  A few quick stirs and he was done.  Carol grabbed him forcibly and dragged Bob to the car.  So what does this mean?

Bob left the party without bothering to warn anyone the Punch was twice stronger than usual. 

After the Group Photo was over, the 21 remaining guests made a stampede to the Drink Room.  Bob was nowhere to be seen, but we were delighted to see the Wizard had left a yummy present for us, something disturbingly similar to the Trojan Horse.  And we all know how that turned out.  There it was, the Smoking Cauldron full of a new batch of delicious punch.  This was no longer ordinary punch.  This was Knock-Out Punch.  We never had a chance.  The punch Bob had left behind was a killer.  Soon our small group would hover precariously on the Eve of Destruction. 

BACCHANALIA

The sexy jazz performance had drastically altered the rhythm of the party.  I had been given a first-hand lesson in how Men's Clubs stay in business.  And what might that lesson be?  I learned that watching naked women dance makes men thirsty for more booze.  After the Group Photo, the thirsty men raced to the Drink Room. 

The Smoking Cauldron called to us!  "Drink me!  You know you want me!  Drink me!"

And so we did.  After wolfing down a quick round of Wicked Wizard Punch, the men helped themselves to more.  Not to be outdone, the few remaining women did their fair share of drinking as well.  Woowee!  Boy, does that punch taste good!  Let's have some more!  Like fools we kept going back for more.  Unaware that Bob had made his Wicked Wizard Punch twice as deadly, we drank as if there were no consequences.  

Totally blind to Bob's Trojan Horse, we had no idea.  In no time at all there was not one remotely sober person left in the building.  That included me.  I was way too blitzed to pay much attention to much of anything besides Liz.  I was so drunk I was barely holding on to consciousness.  Completely out of control, I made a serious mistake.  Typically the party is still going strong at Midnight.  That is when I announce "Last Song!"

At this point the remaining guests are kind enough to stick around and help me clean up.  With everyone pitching in, the place is done in 30 minutes or less and we all go home.  Unfortunately, I was so Dizzie for Lizzie, I let the party continue.  Thanks to Bob's Sucker Punch, my oblivion became the fourth nail in the coffin. 

Despite my stupor, I could tell that something was wrong, very wrong.  For one thing, the dance floor was deserted.  After the Group Photo, the dancing had trouble starting up again.  It wasn't like we didn't try.  A half-dozen guests attempted to dance, but it was soon obvious that no one could stand up.  After a couple of songs, everyone gave up and left the dance floor.  It was very strange to see the dancing stop completely even though the music continued to play. 

Unable to dance, the remaining guests moved on to the next stage.  In addition to the 21 people in the group photo, there were 10-15 other guests still hanging around.  There were about 5 more men than women.   Several of these people left while they still could.  Several others tried, but they staggered so badly they had to sit down.  Realizing they were too drunk to drive, they had no choice but to stay a while longer.  Still flush with Jungle Fever, the men had one thing on their mind... find a woman!  Fortunately for them, the few women who stuck around had something similar on their mind... find a man!  Once everyone paired off, they went back for more drink to stir their arousal.  Then it was time to find a love nest. 

Where was I?  I would rather not explain what happened next.  However, since we have established that my reputation was permanently ruined, I might as well admit the rest.  After we finished the Group Photo, Liz gave me an enticing hug, then told me me to wait while she used the restroom.  During the wait, I began to shiver.  Realizing how cold it was, I went to the far end of the Hallway to turn off the air conditioner.  On the way back, I found myself on the verge of collapse.  It had been a really long day.  I had been at the studio decorating since 10 am and had not rested once.  With my gas tank on empty, I staggered to the nearest couch to wait for Liz.  I had never been this drunk in my life and my head was spinning.  Closing my eyes for just a moment, I passed out. 

Yup.  There it is.  I was cursed by an Epic Losing Streak that had just entered its 18th year.  However, that was about to change.  One of the most beautiful women I had ever met would be in my arms shortly.  Or so I thought.  On the verge of ending all those years of suffering, I passed out.  And what about Elizabeth?  We will get to her shortly. 

Since I was unconscious, I was unable to witness the full extent of the carnage caused by Bob's Midnight Massacre.  Instead I will pass on what a Survivor related to me a few days after the party.

 "As you know, Christina (not her real name), I fell asleep shortly after Bob spiked the punch.  Can you tell me what happened after I conked out?"

Christina laughed.  "If I tell you the gory details, will you promise to change my name?"

"Of course." 

"Okay then, here goes.  One by one, the men and the few remaining women paired up.  The lucky ones lured their partners onto the hallway couches.  The women were far too gone to put up much resistance.  Everyone was able to find a chair or a couch to fall down on.  You were passed out and so was a woman named Margaret.  One guy, a man named Steve, somehow managed to corner two women for a while.  I was one of them.   However, a guy named John saw me and dragged me over to his couch instead.  I was happy to cooperate.  At this point there were six or seven couples and four extra men."

"What happened to the extra men?"

"That was kinda sad.  The men without partners wandered like zombies up and down the hallway hoping to find an unattached woman.  One guy even looked under a table.  Since there was none to be found, eventually they gave up and toppled over.  Unable to move, they just sat there staring into space or watching people make out."

"What about the couples?"

"That's when the Orgy started.  None of these guys had come with a partner.  There was a free-for-all as the guys grabbed for any available woman.  It was random.  The lucky ones found a willing partner, but several guys came up empty due to the girl shortage. Fortunately there were enough couches in the long hallway for everyone to find a spot.  The moment they hit the couch, everyone let loose." 

Christina paused.  "Are you sure you want to hear this?  It's kind of embarrassing."

I laughed nervously.  "Yeah, I need to know what happened while I slept."

"Okay, if that's what you want.  Drunk out of their minds, the couples acted like stark raving maniacs.  They would smooch a while, then for no reason they would begin to laugh hysterically.  There was hollering and lots of loud cackling.  The place sounded like loony tunes!  Somewhere around Midnight, someone turned off the light switch.  It got real dark in the hallway.  That did it, damn the torpedoes.  The boys could not contain their desire any longer.  Too much booze, too many naked dancing girls.  The boys were so oversexed, their hands were everywhere.  That's when a couple of wrestling matches began." 

"How serious were the wrestling matches?"

"Let's put it this way, no one screamed.  A couple girls protested, but it was half-hearted."

Curious, I asked Christina if she put up a fight.

"No way, I was enjoying myself.  Like I said, I was tackled by a guy named John I had met earlier at the party.  He was very cute, so I didn't mind at all.  John and I kissed with wild abandon.  A couple times I came up for air and looked around.  On every couch there was a couple writhing and giggling in ecstasy.  There were roving hands aplenty.  To my knowledge no one's clothes came off, at least no one near me.  But I did hear a lot of moaning.  It was dark in there, so I don't know how far some people went.  Let's just say it was closest thing to a Roman Orgy I have ever been part of."

According to Christina, the Orgy did not last long.  Christina said everyone started to pass out like I had.  Too drunk and too exhausted to go home, one person after another started to doze off.  Christina explained that John, the man she hooked up with, passed out in the middle of their make-out session. 

"Good grief, John conked out in the middle of a kiss!  It was the weirdest thing.  We were kissing like mad, but then he stopped.  There he was with his head back and his mouth wide open.  For a moment I thought John was dead!  I shook him a little bit, but it did no good.  Then he started to snore.  That was too weird for me so I got up to leave.  Two couches down I was grabbed by one of the guys without a partner.  I was still turned on from John, so I began kissing him instead.  I have never in my life been so drunk as to pull a stunt like that.  I didn't even know the guy." 

"What happened then?"

"I was in the middle of kissing this new guy when he got way too frisky for me.  Geez, I didn't even know the guy and his hands were up my dress.  I was so disgusted I got up.  He reached for me, but he was too drunk to even get off the couch.  It was pathetic.

When I looked around, I saw bodies strewn everywhere!!  The hallway looked like the Jim Jones massacre.  Practically no one was awake but me.  There were a dozen people snoring their heads off.  You were one of them.  I saw you on my way out."

"Yeah, not my proudest moment.  Did you see what happened to Liz?"

"Was that the gypsy girl?" 

When I nodded, Christina said, "I saw her walk out early with that guy who took all the pictures."

I groaned.  Just kick me.  That was exactly what I had been afraid of. 

"So, Christina, why were you the only conscious one?"

"I guess the ones who could leave had already left.  The first guy I kissed was still sound asleep and thankfully the second guy could not stand up long enough to catch me.  I staggered out to my car on my own, but I have no recollection of driving home.  I woke up in my own bed, so maybe the car drove itself.  Gee whiz, it's been three days and I still can't walk a straight line.  I am telling you, it was mass murder.  Bob poisoned every single one of us.  The way I feel, maybe I'm a ghost."

Hmm.  Maybe I was a ghost too.  I had not felt the same since the Halloween Party from Hell ended with Bob's Midnight Massacre.  I thanked Christina for offering closure to the story.

"Oh, you're welcome, Rick.  Don't forget, you promised not to use my real name if you ever write about this."

I smiled wanly.  "You have my word."

What Christina did not know was there had been another chapter to my difficult night.  I had faced the single most terrifying experience of my life.