MYSTERY OF THE TEXAS TWOSTEP

CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN:

END GAME

Written by Rick Archer 

LIMBO MONTH THIRTY FIVE
MAY 1982

NEARING THE FINISH LINE

 

Michael and Victoria hit a rough patch in January.  Victoria was so upset she was ready to quit.  Fortunately, I talked Victoria back from the ledge and persuaded her to try again.  To my relief the Reunion Tour managed to smooth out over the next three months.  I was certain my day of liberation was near at hand.  Sure enough, at the start of May, Victoria resigned her position at the studio.  That was a smart move because it reduced the tension at home.  Michael was glad to know Victoria would not be seeing me again.  However, Victoria did continue to teach one night a week at TGIS, a move I thought was rather odd.  I wondered if Victoria left the studio because it was me Michael was worried about.  He may have suspected Victoria still had a thing for me.  Or did he suspect I had a thing for her?  Michael need not have worried.  Playing nursemaid to a nutcase, I had been celibate for the past year.  Why?  Because I feared she would regain interest in me if another woman appeared.  Given my mood, I would not have taken Victoria back for all the tea in China.

After the resignation, I did not see nor hear from Victoria for three weeks.  However, towards the end of May I received a card in the mail.

 

May 21, 1982

Dear Rick,

I miss you so much.  I hurt all over.  Please don't give up me.

I am giving this reconciliation a month and I should come to some rational decisions.  I have to either complete it with Michael or finish it once and for all.

I feel very incomplete with you now also.  You are always in my thoughts and I miss you deeply.  I got so high teaching that TGIS class Tuesday night and it hurt so much leaving.  Teaching is all so much a part of me as you are.

I know this whole thing is such a risk - I might lose you forever, or at least the way I'd like to have you.  I know though that I will always carry you around with me in my heart and there are memories that will only be ours.

I'll always thank you for some of the lessons you taught me - I guess I feel that God sent you to me. 

Maybe it will be His will that we get back together at some later time.  He knows I have to work through this first, before I can love you or anyone else completely.

Keep me in your heart, Rick.  You will always be in mine.

Victoria

 

I was very touched by Victoria's letter.  In particular, I was fascinated by her belief that God had sent me to her.  I had never told her this, but I believed the same thing about her.  I believed God had sent her to me.  I found it strange that Victoria was unable to express these kind of thoughts in person.  Her deepest thoughts always seemed to come in letters.  There were many things I wanted to say, but I decided no answer was the best answer.  Given Victoria's reputation for changing her mind, the less I said, the better.  

Ten days passed.  On May 31, Victoria gave me a call.  The moment the phone rang, my heart stopped beating.  I knew it was Victoria.  I just knew it. 

"Rick, I have agonized over making this call.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to let go of you.  You have been such a part of me for so long, I can't believe I have to say goodbye.  But if I don't say goodbye, this thing with Michael has no chance of working.  I know I have to cut my ties, but I can't seem to make myself do it."

As Victoria started to cry, I said nothing.  Again, the less I said, the better.  After regaining control of her tears, Victoria continued.

"I know I am going to miss the studio.  I remember the days when I helped you build the studio.  Those days were so wonderful.  I can hardly believe what you have done with the studio over the past couple years.  I am so proud of you."

Now it was my turn to cry.  I was deeply touched by her generous words.  Victoria had been wrapped up in herself for so long I had not heard a word of praise from her in ages.  It had really hurt to be taken for granted all these years.  However, I did not dare speak candidly to Victoria.  I believed if I gave her the slightest bit of hope, she would leap on it.  I was so intent on gaining my freedom that I felt the need to show as little warmth as possible.  However, I abruptly changed my mind.  I decided to take a chance and speak the truth.

"Victoria, in your previous letter you said you believed God sent me to you.  I think it is the other way around.  I think I was meant to do something very special in my life, but I needed you to show me how to get started.  This studio will bear your legacy.  As long as I live, I will never forget the gift you gave to me.  You taught me how to run a dance studio."

Now Victoria resumed crying.  I was no stranger to Victoria's tears, but these particular tears hurt a lot because this seemed like the end.  It saddened me to know that Victoria had played such a critical role in helping me create this studio and yet she would not be around to watch its progress through the years.  In a very real sense, the dance studio was our child.  But I could not say that, could I?  In order for her to move on, I was forced to watch what I said.  That hurt.  Although I was thrilled the decent side of her had finally resurfaced, it crushed me to know I would not be able to enjoy her friendship for fear she might misconstrue.

Victoria was silent for quite a while as she tried to compose herself.  Finally she spoke again. 

"You are so right.  I really did pour my heart and soul into the studio.  But then I got lost.  I don't know why I feel this, but I think we are meant to be together again someday, maybe even married at some point.  I am not done with you yet, that I know.  Certainly not now, but I will make it back to you someday, somehow.  Do not forget me, Rick, because someday I will find you again." 

It was frightening to think Victoria expected to see me again in the future.  After what I had been through over the years, I was adamantly opposed to any chance of reuniting with this woman.  On the other hand, Victoria had powers of intuition that far surpassed my own.  Who knows what the future held?   Besides, if it was Sunshine Victoria who came knocking, hopefully the next time I would open my door with warmth.

"Maybe you are right, Victoria.  Maybe someday we will meet again.  We have been each other's best friend for so long that it is very sad we have to part.  That said, you have to seal yourself away from me.  Making your relationship with Michael work is the right move for you, I am sure of it.  Do not worry about me.  I will be okay."

"Goodbye, Rick.  I will always love you so much." 

When I hung up, my reaction was bittersweet.  One would think I would scream with delight.  Not so.  I was definitely pleased that this moment had come, but mostly I was full of regret.  On the positive side, I was pleased that Victoria had chosen to leave our relationship of her own accord.  The studio was mine and Limbo was over.  Indeed, I had been granted the wish I had hoped for... a peaceful parting of the ways.  In addition, I was thoroughly delighted to see Victoria and Michael reconnect.  I could not fathom how any couple could forge new ties despite the vast lacerations to their trust over the past four years.  Considering the long odds, I admired them for making this work.  I silently wished them luck.  They would need it. 

After a brief moment of relief, I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me.  This made no sense.  Why was I so sad at such a triumphant moment?  I should have been deliriously happy, but instead I was mad at myself for not being happy.  What was wrong with me?  This was the moment I had long waited for.  I had my studio, my freedom and a clean slate.  Why was I so upset?   

It took a moment, but then I knew the answer.  I was deeply disturbed by something Victoria had said. 

"... Certainly not now, but I will make it back to you someday, somehow.  Do not forget me, Rick, because someday I will find you again."

Want to know what crossed my mind?  Oedipus.  I was chilled because Victoria had just made a prophecy of her own.  No matter how much I wanted this one-sided relationship to be over, Victoria suggested the door would open again some day.  I shook my head in despair.  Were we two immortal lovers doomed to reincarnate again and again?  No way.  I could not take another lifetime of this. 

I thought of the famous quote attributed to philosopher George Santayana:  "Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it."

Based on our history, the chances of any sort of happy future seemed remote at most.  Most likely it would be more of the same nonsense.  Forget that.  Nothing could persuade me to put my head in that noose again.

What was wrong with Victoria?   I had assumed Victoria had already broken it off with me in her May 21st letter.  So it upset me to think she felt the need to call me as well.  Even more disturbing, Victoria had actually brought up the subject of a potential marriage somewhere down the line.  If she wanted to marry me, why didn't she bring up the subject following her divorce a year ago? 

I don't know why this conversation bothered me so much.  I had given up trying to understand this woman years ago.  For example, what woman talks about marriage during a break-up call?  Furthermore, it upset me that Victoria firmly believed I still had romantic feelings for her.  Victoria was so lost in her own world she did not have a clue about me.  My heart had traveled through space to another planet the moment she started dating Vincent a year ago.  During this past year of celibacy, not once did I feel desire.  Friendship, yes, romance no.

Nevertheless, despite my anger, there was a maudlin part of my heart that wanted to believe that Victoria really loved me like she said she did.  However, the moment I thought back on all the half-baked, asinine stunts Victoria had pulled over the past four years, my distrust came rushing back full force.  If Victoria had come to me following her divorce last year and bared her soul, perhaps something might have happened.  Instead she chose to date Vincent and possibly a man named Dick.  Vincent was the last straw.  I would never allow her to two-time me again.  Unlike Michael, I was not the forgiving kind.  Maybe Michael could forgive her, but not me.  Fate or no Fate, there was no way I would ever trust this woman as long as I lived.  Even God could not make me stupid enough to take her back... or could He?

Under the assumption that I would be allowed to exercise my Free Will in regards to Victoria, we could be friends, but never lovers.  Sensing I needed to shut the door tighter, I decided to write back the same day. 

 

May 31, 1982

Dear Victoria,

I have been very upset since your call to me.  I hurt a great deal because you sound so unhappy.

It is time for you to move on! 

Let go of the guilt, let go of our relationship that has brought you only partial satisfaction.  Remember how productive and happy you were when we first met.   Find a project that will unleash the enormous energies you had back then.

Although we love each other, I doubt strongly a marriage would work.  In your weaker moments, perhaps you believe it would, but the odds are poor.

Just accept this parting, Victoria.  Quit trying to force things!  Deep down inside, you know I am not 'the guy' that you want.  So develop some patience and quit being afraid all the time.  You will be taken care of.

Please be strong, Victoria.  It hurts so much to see you miserable all the time.  Please stop this stupid guilt and self-hate racket of yours.  People make mistakes all the time.  Life is for learning.  Together we have learned a lifetime of lessons.  Now it is time to get on with things.  Get up off the ground and go out and make somebody happy.  Start with Stephanie and expand from there.

Rick

 

LIMBO MONTH THIRTY SIX
JUNE 1982

END OF THE ROAD

 

Three days after I sent my letter, I received a reply from Victoria.

 

June 02, 1982

Dear Rick,

I was so pleased to hear from you today.  Where you are concerned, I feel very unfinished.  I need to talk about this with you to see if you can help me understand some things.  If I had my my way, I would request that we see each other - date - casually - put all the junk behind us and get to know each other again.  Start fresh with no pressure.  I feel that we do have that love, what a beautiful gift, and that friendship, and those are two powerful assets.  Why just let them die?  I don't understand.  Don't we owe it to each other to just see what's there?

Why must two people that love each other stay away from each other?  And how do you fall out of love?  As you know, I am not very experienced with these things.  Love is the most powerful emotion I know of.  Why must I not be allowed to give it to you?  You are too important to me to let go of.  I would love to get to know you all over again.

I am still in love with you, Rick.  I'm sure I always will be.  If you ever just even want to talk, you have a friend in me.  My memories keep you very alive in my mind.  Please don't let us die, Rick. 

If you're not in love with someone else, please consider seeing me for lunch.  I hate to think that our love and friendship would just be allowed to fade away.  We are too special for that.

Victoria

 

I hated this letter.  I despised this letter!  Seriously, Victoria's letter made me angry, really angry.  How was it possible for Victoria to have so little insight into my mind?  Did Victoria honestly believe I wanted to meet her for lunch?  Did she really think I would consider dating her?  Was she oblivious to the amount of distrust I felt towards her?

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it."

I remembered what happened between us just fine and I vowed it would not happen again.  Today marked the start of my 36th month of Limbo Captivity.  I was knocking on the door of three full years of being held captive to this woman and she still did not have a clue that I had been miserable the entire time.  Good lord, after all the crap she had put me through, what possible flight of fantasy would possess Victoria to think I would ever be willing to try again?  More likely she would ontinue to vacillate between Michael and me or maybe some cute guy she met while teaching at TGIS.

I chose not to respond.  Better to say nothing.  The last thing I wanted to do was brush her off and awaken the Snarling Tiger.

Seven days passed.  In mid-June, Victoria decided to phone me.  She got right to the point. 

"Rick, it isn't working with Michael.  We have fought every night for the past week.  I am scared to death I made the wrong decision.  I have been such a fool.  I think about you all the time.  Is there any chance for us?  Please tell me there is hope."

My first instinct was to laugh in total disbelief, but somehow I suppressed my snicker.  This woman was relentless.  Here we go with the musical chairs again.  Victoria always wanted what she could not have.  If I did not put an end to this nonsense, she would ping-pong back and forth between me and Michael for the rest of her life.  Disgusted with her indecisiveness, I decided to lay it on the line.  It was time to slam the door shut once and for all.

"Victoria, too much has happened that makes it difficult for me to trust you.  I met you in August 1978.  That was nearly FOUR YEARS AGO!  Victoria, listen to me.  FOUR YEARS!  For the past four years, you have vacillated between Michael and me.  This flip-flop has to stop.  Michael has every right to be fearful just like you do.  He must be scared out of his mind that you will hurt him again.  And by calling me, you are affirming he has every right to fear another betrayal.  Perhaps Michael is testing you.  Maybe he is being rough on you for a reason.  He wants to see if you will turn and run back to me anytime things don't go smoothly.  Maybe he is trying to see how committed you are before investing more deeply.  In his mind, you need to pass a test of fire before investing more completely."

I stopped there to see if she would say something.  When Victoria remained quiet, I continued.

"Victoria, you cannot speak to me.  No dating, no lunch, no more phone calls.  Please do not do this to Michael again.  Relationships are built on a rock called trust.  You cannot break his heart again.  So forget about me.  Go to Michael and tell him you are determined to make it work with him.  Michael deserves your love.  He is a pretty great guy, so give him a chance.

One more thing, Victoria.  You should not call me again.  It hurts too much to hear your voice, so from now on I will hang up.  However, you can write to me any time you wish.  You have my word I will respond to any written message.  Good luck, Victoria.   This melodrama has to end now.  I want you to find happiness with Michael." 

And with that, I gently hung up the phone.

I assumed this was the end.  After all, I had done everything in my power during our phone call to push her back to Michael.  However, knowing Victoria, did I dare believe I was free?  Unfortunately, I was right to keep my guard up.  As Yogi Berra said, it's never over till it's over.  Sure enough, there was another contact.  A few days after our phone conversation, I received a lovely five page letter from Victoria.  It was a sweet and powerful letter.  I will share an excerpt. 

June 21, 1982

Hi Rick,

Well, it's a new week and I still have all those lonesome feelings for you.  I don't think they will ever leave me.  It is so hard to let go of your best friend, lover, and business associate all at once.  I don't know how you move on like you do and have done for your whole life.  Does your love just die on your command? 

I have made many mistakes.  Would things be different if I had another shot at it all? 

I will continue sharing my love in letters to you... 'just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.'

I sure miss talking to you as you can probably tell.  I am sure by now you have truly moved on.  Not me.  After four years, I'm having trouble with it.  Someone put their arms around me just in friendship the other day and I just started crying because they weren't your arms.  When I feel very insecure, I close my eyes and pretend I am in your arms, my safe haven.  I am sure that is not a good idea, but for now, it works.

I guess I'm really lucky, however, to have been loved by two fantastic men in my life.  Rick, if you ever get to a point in your life that you...   I'm sorry, I can't finish the thought.

Victoria

 

To my utter surprise, some desperate emotion rose up in me.  It pleaded for me to respond positively to Victoria's siren call.  Good lord, where did that feeling come from??  I was shocked to see how much I missed Victoria at this moment.  I had thought my heart was completely dead, but I was wrong.  As opposed to the relief I expected to feel now that Victoria was gone, over the past week I had felt so empty.  Tears came to my eyes as I read the letter.  Why was this so hard?  When I wasn't busy being angry at her, I was far more attached to Victoria than I ever realized.  This woman truly did have a spell over me.

However my soft side was suddenly overwhelmed by a tidal wave of scorn.  A very dark part of me suggested Victoria would play me against Michael for the rest of my life.  My inner voice said this woman could not be trusted.  That argument made a whole lot more sense, so I brushed my tender feelings aside. 

Any future was hopeless! 

I debated whether I should respond to her five-page letter.  After considerable thought, I decided to write back.  After all, I had promised to respond to any letter.  Besides, I believe Victoria deserved better than the standard 'don't call, don't write' routine.  However, I feared that any kindness in my answer would start yet another round of neverending back and forth.  The only way Victoria could EVER make it work with her husband was for me to slam the door shut PERMANENTLY.  Therefore I kept my letter short and curt.

Monday, June 21, 1982

Dear Victoria,

Thank you for your long letter and two thoughtful cards.  I do not know what is happening with you, but I sense you are still having trouble letting go.  Unfortunately I am a dead end for you.  I remain firmly convinced any attempt to renew our relationship in its previous form would be doomed to failure.  Too much has happened, too many problems.  A fresh start is called for.  My feeling is that of quiet resignation and hope for the future.  I don't intend to date you - that would be too painful and awkward.   You don't have to forget me, you simply need to stay busy and quit thinking in directions that cause you pain.  No need for guilt, no need to punish yourself.  

In a few months perhaps both of us will have redirected our lives sufficiently to become friends.  However at this point I have no desire to hear of your love life or your deepest feelings.  I want peace and solitude. 

I love you, but I also think it best for you to take this next part of your journey without me. 

I am doing okay and want to believe you are as well.  If you feel the need, you are welcome to continue to write.

Yours from afar, Rick

I cried as I wrote this letter.  It hurt me that I was forced to be cold, but I had no choice.  Victoria would never let go until she believed I had slammed the door shut. 

The truth was that I missed her a whole lot more than I had expected to, but I did not dare tell her that.  Whenever I didn't hate her guts, Victoria was the best friend I ever had.  She was by far the most significant person in my life since childhood.

However there was one compelling certainty in my mind... Although Victoria was a good friend, she was a lousy girlfriend.   That thought alone let me know I had done the right thing.

Victoria wrote back a one-sentence letter.  Victoria said she cried as she read my letter and that she would miss me. 

I wanted to respond, but decided not to.  It felt to me like Victoria had accepted it was over.  If so, better to let Victoria have the last word. 

That was our final contact.  I closed my relationship with Victoria one month short of the four-year mark of our first meeting. 

Limbo Captivity was over.  

Farewell, Victoria.  Till we meet again, this lifetime or next.