Hot Tub
Home Up Mischief

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Before I launch into tales of hot tub debauchery, the following pictures show that at least some people in our group occasionally behaved like adults. You know how it is with our bad reputation - just a few bad boys here and a few bad girls there and suddenly the SSQQ web site becomes off-limits at a dozen more businesses in Houston. 

Yes, indeed, there were many among our group who were able to appreciate the pool area without necessarily grabbing body parts in public.  Some were even able to act in a mature manner while ensconced within the hot tub. 

However, once you see the hard stuff, you will agree the studio's reputation is shot for good.

So here a few happy pictures to ease you into the experience. 

One more thing... if you are  under 12, stop reading and go to the next page NOW.  

See how happy and well-behaved everyone is?  Just wait.


Yup, everyone so far has behaved.   In fact, most people behaved well until their friend Tequila came for a visit.

That is when the bizarre transformations began. 

There were three ringleaders.  Check out the two pictures below.

One ringleader was George, aka Mr. Handsome. 
Another ringleader was Phyllis, aka Center of Attention.
The third ringleader was Leslie, aka Alph, short for Alpha Girl.  Below you can see Alph dancing on the bar.  That's the sort of thing Alpha Girls do - make sure the whole world can see them!

One more word before we begin.  I do not believe George's pretty girlfriend Melanie was in any way responsible for the mess these three troublemakers created in the hot tub. I saw not one picture of Melanie behaving in a lewd and lascivious manner. 

But you do have to wonder what was going through Melanie's mind when all hell broke loose around her. 

The first signs of insanity began with the toe sucking. 

I have a story to tell.  One night as Marla and I sat on our couch at home watching TV, I asked Marla for permission to suck her toe.  (Yes, I was sober.)  I told her that as part of my preparation for the story about the hob tub activities, I needed to understand more about the toes. 

I said, "Maybe we are missing something here."

Marla rolled her eyes, but acquiesced. "If you must, go ahead."  Then she stuck out her foot.  She figured if I was going to write another lousy Travel story, she wasn't going to take any blame by not helping me as much as she could.

I gently wrapped my lips around her toe and brought it inside my mouth. Then I began to suck away. 

Although it only took me ten seconds to make up my mind, I gave it a full minute.  I concluded that toe sucking wasn't even remotely any fun.  But maybe Marla enjoyed it.

So I asked Marla what she thought.  She said, "It sucked."  

In other words, neither of us could detect even the slightest possible pleasure in toe sucking. 

Maybe I should try it again sometime when I am drunk.  Or maybe it is a symbolic activity of some sort that leads to other things. 

Who knows?  I remain clueless.  It seems like a scam to me.  I think they are all a bunch of suckers.

As you can see, toe sucking was an extremely popular activity for some.  However, let's be clear that not everyone participated. 

In fact, I would say the culprits were limited to about half a dozen people.

Phyllis, one of the ringleaders, didn't get involved.  In every picture I saw, the Center of Attention seemed totally content to just watch (see picture below on the right)

Phyllis wasn't alone in her watching. In fact, lots of people stared in astonishment -see Betty in the picture above or Cary Grant in the picture below).

Furthermore, others such as the woman below on the right actually attempted to talk people out of continuing to suck toes.  In this case I don't think she was successful.  If I see the picture correctly, there are four different feet begging for love.

Someone prepared for a week of furious toe sucking by drawing a unique design on one of her toes.  Now who could that be?

There is a sad ending to the story of the pretty toes.  As it was related to me, at one point the woman screamed, "Oh my gosh, he sucked the paint right off my favorite toe!"   I guess even toe sucking carries its hazards.

I have no idea who the sucker was, but I examined the pictures carefully to acquire the identity of the suckee.

This picture indicates the special toe belongs to the woman in the sunglasses on the left of the hot tub. Circled below are the three instigators working together to cause trouble.  The yellow line
signifies that Alph's leg is going over to George.
That person in the sunglasses turned out to be none other than Alph.
I guess she knew ahead of time how popular her toe would be on
this trip and that it would be frequently photographed. 
Good job of preparation!
Like I said, some people still had their wits about them. 
This young lady continues to beg her boyfriend to STOP.
Hot tub misbehavior was first introduced in 2004 by Mr. Handsome.
He used spiked Gatorade to loosen everybody up.
Here we have some preliminary hot tub stuffing activity.  This event is largely the Center of Attention's doing. 
She is generally the only person sober enough to organize this complex, highly choreographed maneuver. 

The two pictures below were preliminary events on the first day of the trip.  The picture on the left has 18 people by my count.
The one on the right has 19.  Later in the week these records would be shattered.
Let's take a break from the action and see some non X-rated hot tub pictures/
Oh my, don't they all look so civilized and well-behaved?  Well, that's about to end soon.
Oh my goodness, is that my wife in the picture below next to Gary Hat(less)?  She told me when the fireworks started, she got out fast.
You know how every river meanders along minding its own business until the waters come to the rapids?  
Here below is our final picture of civilized hot tub behavior.  After that, as they say, the S is about to hit the fan.


Things began to spin out of control soon after people started drinking.

Mr. Handsome's special Gatorade worked its magic well in 2004.  That was the year when the hot tub activity took a definite turn for the worse (or for the better depending on your point of view.) 

Sure enough his Gatorade worked its magic again on this trip. 

And whenever Mr. Handsome's supply of Gatorade ran low, there were always Pina Coladas & Margaritas from the bar to help things along.


Soon after the drinking started, the toe sucking began in earnest.  And women laid their bodies out across the hot tub.  If forced to guess, I would say these women were drunk. Hmm, it looks like people began to suck fingers too.  What were they thinking??

Meanwhile, go back to the pictures ABOVE and look for Cristina Lozano.  Cristina is the lady with black suit and the Hard Rock white cap.  I put her picture on the left to help you identify her.

As you will see, amid the orgiastic frenzy of bodies flying around her, throughout the event Cristina just sat there taking it all in. 

Since Cristina is in every picture, but never seemed to participate, she reminded me of someone.  Yeah, that guy.  I have decided to give Cristina a nickname.  Let's call her Waldo.

Hmm.  Better made that "Walda".  She is very particular about the letter "a" in her name. 

Okay, let's start the game. In the two pictures BELOW, can you find Walda?  (Hint - look for the only person sitting still.)

Okay, how did you do?  Were you able to find Walda in both pictures above?  If so, good for you!  You may have also noticed that the Group toe sucking activity has begun in earnest.  Obviously someone said, "On your mark, get set, go!" because they are at it with a passion. 

Now in the pictures below, two things. One, can you find Walda again?  Two, wouldn't you love to why Mr. Handsome has his hands up?  My guess is a toe is making its way to his face and he isn't in the mood at the moment. Or maybe Alph clocked him in the nose with her feet.  Or maybe someone stole his Gatorade.

Please notice there are bodies flying everywhere, but Walda just continues to sit there watching quietly.  It's kind of like a nudist colony where everyone strips but one person.   Walda is a stranger in a strange land.

Frenzy everywhere, but Cristina, er Walda, just smiles and watches.  By the way, if you look closely below, Walda has a visitor!

In the two pictures below, it looks like Walda is actually interviewing the man next to her.  Maybe she is trying to figure out what the heck the going on.  

"Excuse me, Mr. Toe Sucker sir, but do you think this hot tub toe sucking might be a modern day equivalent to the ancient Roman orgies?" 

Doesn't it look like he takes the foot out of his mouth so he can think about it before he answers the question?

Ah, the blissful pleasures of toe sucking!
I probably shouldn't say what Alph's expression reminds me of.
But it reminds me of a picture I have.
Walda is a little tougher than usual to spot, but you should be able
to find her.  By the way, what the heck is going on now?
The action picks up!   Now we have tub diving!
And there's Walda, just taking it all in. 

Amid the splashing and the insanity, Walda continued to sit serenely in the eye of the hurricane.  There were no incriminating pictures of Walda.  Whatever was going on, she appeared to be immune to temptation. 

Not everyone can be that cool.  By comparison, Marla told me she panicked when the crazy stuff started.  Marla got out of the tub as fast as she could.  But Walda was obviously made of tougher skin.  She clearly enjoyed the arena.  It was definitely a busy day for the Gladiators struggling to survive in the steaming cauldron of hot tub oblivion.

You know, the more I look at these hot tub pictures, the more I am reminded of another ancient lapse of judgment known as the 1989 SSQQ Toga Party.  This particular party got so badly out of control, we never had another one (and probably never will.)

Hmm. There's something odd about the picture below on the right.  That girl is looking at over her shoulder at someone.
Is that Walda?

As we return to the action, Walda continues to grin and smile.  You might notice that the Center of Attention is also a non-combatant. 

I have never seen a picture of Phyllis participating in hot tub debauchery.  Phyllis has a particular hot tub agenda of her own.  Phyllis always seems to be encouraging other people to lose control... and once they lose control, she takes a picture. 

But not this time. Phyllistina is in the pictures, not taking them.  I wonder who the photographer is?  Phyllis probably gave someone her camera and told them to get to work.

These people are out of their minds.  Rub a dub dub, suck toes in the tub.
Look at Walda. She is totally oblivious.  How does she stay uncommitted?  You know, there's an old saying, "Are you in or are you out?
Walda's in, but she's also out.  In and out, what's it all about?
I am at a loss for words.

One woman on the trip decided to practice her pole dancing skills among other things.  Surely she knew cameras were lurking nearby.  What was she thinking?   If forced to guess what caused this behavior, I would say she got drunk.


Last year in 2005 someone made a mistake so serious that it spoiled an entire afternoon of serious hot tub stuffing. 

At that time, Phyllis was positive that SSQQ had set a new record for the "Most Humans in a Rhapsody Hot Tub" at one time.  In fact, she was so confident that she didn't bother summoning me for confirmation. Instead she emailed me the pictures later on.

After I got back to Houston and took the time to examine the pictures, I had to disqualify one of the participants.  This cost Phyllis and the 2005 Hot Tub Team their record. 

Phyllis was furious at the news one of her Stuffers had come unstuffed and missed the tub.  You know, there really are not a lot of skills necessary to become a good tub stuffer.  Mostly you just need to get your butt in the water.  Now how hard can that be?  Every kid grows up hearing, "You better get your butt in the tub this minute or else!"

But in this 2005 incident, a woman made a fatal error by failing to properly insert her butt in the hot tub.  A miss is as good as a mile, but in this case the woman failed by a "wide margin".

This year, just like Groundhog Day, Center of Attention was determined to do it again and again till her new hot tub team got it right.  She intended to make up for last year's butt debacle. 

However the entire week was fraught with errors. Phyllis had to train an entire new generation how to stuff the tub properly.  There were very few returning butts from last year.  Alas, the new guys just couldn't get it.  It seems like a lot of the butts were not pulling in the same direction.  You need to align your butts just right to maximize the tub's stuffing potential. 

Phyllis screamed at them, "You people are simply not paying attention!  Get your head out of your butts!"

Phyllis had another obstacle - many of the butts were out of shape. Phyllis said she had never seen so many wide butts in all her years of tub stuffing.  16 people seemed to be the natural fit, but Phyllis was determined to get the number well above 20.  To do that, she would have to whip their butts into shape pronto.

The road was never easy. Despite an entire week of failure, Phyllis was not to be denied.  She never wavered in the face of the constant negativity... "But my butt can't do it!  But my butt is tired!  But my butt has a butt cramp!  But my butt is pruning!  But I have to go wee wee!   But I am too drunk to center my butt properly!"  Phyllis told them all to shut up. She would not have any more ifs, ands, or butts. It was time to shape up or ship out!  "You people simply are not trying hard enough!  You are the biggest bunch of lazy butts!  Now get your butts moving and let's make this happen!"

What a great pep talk!

I don't know how she did it.  I would have given up long ago and thrown their butts overboard, but not Phyllis.  She had a steely determination.  Despite all this whining and sniveling, there was NO QUIT when it came to the Center of Attention.

A lot of you may not realize this, but Phyllis studied the ancient pyramids in preparation for this record-setting event.  She was determined to leave nothing to chance.

Phyllis quickly grasped that the height of a pyramid is related to the size of its base. Therefore she would have to widen the perimeter of the hot tub circle by one more person so she could stack people on top. 

So Phyllis began to whip their butts into shape - literally.  Through constant butt squeeze exercises, the butts started to tighten. Phyllis helped everyone take one to two inches off of their butts.  But try as they could, they could not squeeze one more butt in the tub.  Phyllis had no choice.  She had to start spanking them.  Phyllis was a giant pain in the ass, but amazingly it worked! 

The pain made those butt muscles spasm and begin to contract.    Now she was able to squeeze one more butt into the perimeter circle. 

Then she carefully positioned everybody's butt to maximize body space.  It was a hands on job to be sure, but someone had to do it!   After last year's disappointment, she would tolerate no mistakes!

Once she had everyone placed into position, Phyllis walked around the tub to make sure no behinds were left behind.   Once she was certain that everyone's butt had settled into its proper spot, Phyllis was ready for the next stage of stuffing.

Now it was time to stack people into the center of the tub.  Once this was accomplished, Phyllis beamed with pride.

Voila!  Snap the Picture!

Actually, they had to snap two pictures.  The camera couldn't seem to get everyone in one shot.  Hot Tub Stuffing Photography skills have not kept up with the sport itself.

Two pictures, so what?  Now that she was certain the new record was set, Phyllis handed me both pictures for confirmation.  Center of Attention contended these pictures proved beyond the shadow of a doubt her new team of 2006 Stuffers had set a new record of 24. 

Let's look for ourselves.  The first picture illustrates 85% of the tub.  Very impressive job of tub stuffing!  And look at the team spirit!  Are they proud of themselves or what?

As you see in the picture above, the lower part of the tub is missing from the picture.  So Phyllis had the cameraman switch angles and shoot the lower part.  Good thing she did that... three new faces popped into view.

Knowing how important this record was to Phyllis, for our final count I used computer technology to merge the two pictures as best I could.  Then I added numbers to each individual.  Let's look how it turned out.

As you can see, I counted 24 stuffers above.  Yes, Phyllis was number 24 - That breaks the old record of 23!   Good job! 

Then I noticed the heads of tub stuffers #3 and #4 were missing.  That caused me to look more closely.  Was I being scammed?

That's when I noticed something fishy.  Uh oh, one person was counted twice.  Can you figure out who was counted twice?

I guess this means the record of 23 was tied, but not broken.  What a shame.


 -----Original Message-----
From: j milz
Sent: Wednesday, February 07, 2007 3:02 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: Hot Tub Count

Hello, Rick. I'm challenging the Rhapsody Reloaded Hot Tub Count of a mere 23.

I noticed that Bob did not get counted. I was sitting on his lap so I know for certain he was there (which also explains my big

My hair is blowing around and covering his face but if you look closely you can see a humanoid form just behind me.

Try looking more carefully. It's 24 for sure!  

jan milz

I am a fair man.  I am open to a recount if there is any chance I have missed something.   So I went back to have another look at the original pictures submitted by the Center of Attention as PROOF. 

I immediately saw Jan's big smile.  And yes, right beside her, there he was, BOB!  Jan was absolutely right, Bob was not counted. 

Therefore I wish to correct this egregious oversight immediately. 

Bob Milz is the authentic Hero who set the record for SSQQ hot tub stuffing!

Let's hear it for the boy!

Now when I call Bob a Hero, this is not idle 'Travel Writer' hype. This is the truth.  You don't know the true story because Bob is too humble to share it, but I think this man deserves all the credit we can give him.

Bob was on the Hot Tub Team from 2005 that barely missed victory due to a beached butt.  Yup, Shamu was out of the water.  You don't know this, but the bitterness of such a near miss haunted this proud man for an entire year.

It did not help that his beautiful wife Jan cried at night because she wanted to be part of such an important record and her chance had been cruelly ripped from her grasp.  So close!!   Butt so far away...

What  a disappointment it had to be for this wonderful couple.  Into every life there must come a little rain, but their misery knew no bounds.  Jan in particular seemed so preoccupied.  Day and Night Jan wrote the hot tub record "24" over and over again.  Bob was so worried about Jan that he was frantic to find a way to snap her out it.

One day Bob had the solution.  He said, "Jan, please stop crying. I have just signed us up for the next Rhapsody Trip.  And I have emailed Phyllis to tell her of my determination to set the record this year.  We will not be denied!"

Jan stopped crying immediately.  This was the news she had been waiting for - a chance at Redemption.  From that point on, Jan and Bob spent an entire year getting in the best shape of their life for Rhapsody 2006.  This would be their chance to remove the stain of hot tub failure.

Well, once they boarded the ship, they soon discovered it wasn't going to be easy.  Right at the start of the week, Phyllis screamed at everybody that they were too...uh, how do I say this... fat!!!! 


Jan immediately began to cry again. It was hopeless!  With all those wide butts, the Team could barely squeeze 15 people into the damn hot tub perimeter.  Even worse, all the members of the team were forking down Cruise Chow at a record rate.  How would they ever break the record?

Bob saw his wife's tears.  Inside he was all knotted up with frustration. Surely there had to be something he could do to turn the tide.  Then is when Bob made his fateful decision... a horrible, terrible, deeply HEROIC decision... Bob would sacrifice himself for the good of the team.  He would begin to slim down EVEN MORE for the good of the Hot Tub Team. 

From that point on, during every session of hot tub practice, Bob made a point to stay down at the bottom of hot tub where all the chemicals hang out.  He was so far down he had to use a straw to breathe.  Then at night while everyone was asleep, Bob returned to immerse himself in those deadly bubbles.  The chemicals began to take their toll.  Bob underwent a strange transformation.

Bob began to shrivel.  In fact, he began to shrink so much his friends barely recognized him anymore.  But he didn't care what they thought as long as he made Jan happy!  And it worked!

Jan became happier than she had ever been before in her life because thanks to Bob's noble sacrifice, she would forever be a part of the Record-Breaking SSQQ Hot Tub Stuffing Team!!

However, in order to truly understand Bob's heroism, you need to see for yourself the EXTENT of Bob's personal sacrifice.

Bob's noble sacrifice brought glory to the team.   And Jan was so proud of him!

Now isn't this a touching story?  It was a hot tub miracle to be sure. 

After setting the record, Jan was so happy she gave her shriveled sweetie a big smooch.  Realizing her husband would never quite be the same guy she had married, Jan decided to call him 'Blob'. 

I am grateful I was given the chance to tell the story of this courageous gentleman.  I hope my story makes Blob famous. Maybe he will even get his picture in People magazine (I can see it now: "The Story of Bob the Blob") or something equally important like a chance to meet Wayne Newton.

Jan told me she is comfortable with Blob's new appearance, but finding the right clothes is tough. 

On the bright side, Jan thinks Blob can cruise for free next year.  She will stick him in a suitcase and wait for him to be delivered to her room.   That's when Jan will pop him loose.  However Jan isn't sure how well Formal Night will work out.  That's too bad because I was looking forward to seeing the Bobster and Blobster together.

We must never forget what he did.  Give it up one more time for the Blobster, our true SSQQ hero! 

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