MYSTERY OF THE TEXAS TWOSTEP

CHAPTER FIFTY TWO:

BLEAKNESS

Written by Rick Archer 

LIMBO MONTH six MONDAY NIGHT, DECEMBER 17, 1979 KICKING MYSELF

On Monday night, December 17, I passed on a golden opportunity to pursue Sally.  Considering how badly I needed a friend, the moment I left the studio I was bewildered by my decision to turn my back.  And for what?  A screwball named Victoria?  A gutless woman named Jennifer?  I must have been out of my mind. 

My decision to turn down Sally's offer upset me a lot more than I had anticipated.  When I got home that night, I realized I did not even have the sense to ask Sally for her phone number.  Monday classes were over and there was no way for me to contact her.  At that thought, I could not believe the amount of regret I felt.  Victoria was headed out of town for the Holidays.  Unless something unexpected happened with Jennifer, I fully expected to spend the remainder of December alone.  Stupid stupid stupid.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1979 ONE LAST TRY

With Christmas fast approaching, my relationship with Jennifer was on life support.  I had not seen Jennifer in a month.  My last visit had been the night before Thanksgiving.  Jeff's visit in early December had dealt a near-death blow to the relationship.  Speaking by phone on December 3, Jennifer claimed there had been no sparks with Jeff.  But if that was the case, then why was she still engaged?  I was so mad at her that I broke off contact.  Apparently that was okay with Jennifer.  She did not call me either.  Two weeks had passed without contact, so I assumed it was over.

What a shame.  My feelings for Jennifer were real.  Jennifer was the woman I wanted by my side.  Throughout November I continually told Jennifer if she would take me back, I would stand up to Victoria and take my chances with the blackmail threat.  But Jennifer refused to budge.  Perhaps she had never forgiven me for letting Victoria move in.  Perhaps she assumed I would repeat my mistake if she took me back.  Perhaps she was afraid to take on Victoria as an enemy.  Whatever the reason, her lack of contact since early December made me believe Jennifer had closed the door. 

This was a maddening experience.  I had told Jennifer I loved her and that every word I said was the truth.  However, I could not get the woman to trust me.  Jennifer seemed convinced the moment she let down her guard, I would go back to Victoria and hurt her anew.  For the life of me, I could not fathom why Jennifer would not give me a second chance.  We had been on the verge of becoming lovers again when Jennifer had flipped out simply because I told her Michael had moved out of his home.  At that point, Jennifer seemed to completely give up on me.  I was flabbergasted.  What on earth had caused her to become so negative??

It was Tuesday morning, December 18.  A dance student friend named Larry called to invite me to go skiing with him for the upcoming weekend.  Larry told me he had a big condo with a perfect view of the mountains.  Very romantic, lots of room, bring a friend. 

Knowing that Jennifer was an avid skier, perhaps this unexpected opportunity was the break I needed.  I immediately called Jennifer at work and asked her to come with me.  I painted a tempting picture of beautiful snow-covered mountains in Colorado.  Wouldn't it be nice to snuggle by the fireplace at night and watch the snow fall?

Jennifer seemed astonished.  "You mean you are ready to stand up to Victoria?"

I was taken aback.  I was saying the same thing today I had been saying for three months!  Was this woman deaf or something?

"What are you talking about, Jennifer?  I was ready to stand up to Victoria in October, but you wouldn't back me.  I was ready in November and you wouldn't back me.  I was ready the last time we spoke, but you wouldn't let me come to your apartment that night and talk things over.  Ever since U-Turn week, my relationship with Victoria has been all business.  I don't love Victoria, I love you.  Besides, Victoria doesn't pay any attention to me.  You are the one that I want.  I am willing to take chances if you are.  Please go skiing with me.  We can leave Thursday and be back Sunday evening."

Jennifer sounded very interested.  I could tell because she asked for details.  She said she would think it over.  On Wednesday morning, she called back.  I held my breath. 

"I'm sorry, Rick, it is too risky. There is no way I can get away from town without my fiancé catching on that something is amiss."

I didn't buy her story.  Not even for a moment.  Things just didn't add up.

"Jennifer, I cannot accept your reasoning.  Of course you can disappear for a weekend without Jeff knowing.  Just tell him you got busy at work.  Call him from Colorado if you need to stay in touch.  Besides, you and I spent three straight weekends together in September and your phone never rang once.  Has something changed?"

"Jeff has begun calling me nearly every day.  I would likely have to break up with him to go with you.  I am not ready to do that."

Something was wrong here.  Something was very wrong.  Why had Jennifer taken a full day to make up her mind?  What was going on in this woman's mind?  In my heart I knew Jennifer had been oh so very close to accepting.  This was yet another heartbreaking near-miss.

Jennifer had another piece of bad news.  "Rick, while I have you on the phone, I have decided to spend the Christmas Holidays at home.  It is time I had another long talk with Jeff."  Then she added an ominous statement.  "In fact, I think it is going to be a really long talk."

I had no idea what that meant, but I was afraid to ask.  I did not know whether she was going to break up with the man, set a wedding date, agree to maintain her curious holding pattern, or try to make it work with me.  If I was still in the picture, that was a surprise to me.  Jennifer wasn't making any moves in my direction, that was for sure.  Stunned by her rejection, I could not believe I was losing her to a man she didn't love.  Knowing Jennifer had slept with other men in addition to me while she lived in Houston, it was fairly obvious that she had spent last summer looking for an upgrade over Jeff.  So why would she settle like this?   The absurdity was driving me insane.  I was positive that Jennifer liked me more than Jeff, so how could I be losing her??  Jeff's only hold on Jennifer was that he was a solid, practical choice as a husband.  In other words, super-cautious Jennifer seemed on the verge of settling for Mr. Ho-hum over the highly risky dance teacher.  It wasn't supposed to work this way in the movies.  Isn't the girl always supposed to follow her heart?

I felt sick.  I wondered if Jeff had any clue just how little his fiancée cared for him.  What insanity had driven Jennifer into the arms of a man she didn't love?  Jennifer's refusal to go skiing was devastating.  Given that Jennifer was heading to Dallas and Victoria was headed to her parents' house, I had a bad feeling my Holidays were going to be more bleak than usual this year.

Thursday NIGHT, DECEMBER 20 SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS

It was Thursday night, December 20.  Stephanie was spending the night at Michael's house, so that allowed us to have our first extended Car Talk in ages.  It was pretty chilly, so I suggested we talk inside the studio.  But Victoria insisted, so I followed her out.

Victoria was never the same after Michael moved out of the house at Thanksgiving.  His departure acted as a serious wake-up call.  Victoria realized she had paid a huge price for not listening to Michael in September back when she had the chance.  She chose me instead.  Bad move.  Hey, don't look at me.  How many times did I tell her that Michael was BY FAR the better choice?  Now she was paying a heavy price.  Once Michael left the house, Victoria's focus changed completely.  Victoria always seemed motivated by the biggest challenge.  When I was elusive, she wanted me.  Now that I was in captivity, she lost interest.  Back when Michael was in captivity, Victoria had ignored him.  Now that he was gone, she became obsessed with him.  Victoria always seemed to want what she could not have.

Victoria did not come out and say it, but I had a hunch she would welcome Michael back if it was possible.  Unfortunately for Victoria, she could not seem to find it in herself to say the right words.  I suppose she feared any peace offering would be rejected.  In her mind, Michael was so far out of reach, it seemed hopeless to repair the damage.  Deeply bitter as befitting a jilted husband, Michael was headed for divorce court.  He was determined to scare Victoria out of her wits with threats of taking Stephanie with him.  Was that true?  I did not know.  All I had was Victoria's word for it.

Victoria grew more despondent by the moment.  Make no mistake about it, Victoria was a scared woman.  She had been fighting with Michael so long that she was completely worn down.  Feeling defeated and worried out of her mind, Victoria was also lonely.  Maybe so lonely that she let her guard down.  It started when Victoria began to shiver in the car.  I suggested she put her coat on, but Victoria shook her head.  Maybe it was the winter cold, maybe it was the moonlight, maybe it was auld lang syne, who knows, but Victoria's mood shifted.  Moving closer to me, Victoria said she needed to be held.  So I put my arm around her.  After snuggling for a bit, Victoria turned to face me.  We stared at each other for a moment, then without warning began to kiss.  Things escalated from there.  It was something akin to sex between friends. 

Afterwards, Victoria said the oddest thing.  "It was more exciting back when you were a challenge."

What was I supposed to say to that?  Did she expect me to apologize or something?  Typical Victoria.  I was only attractive when I belonged to Patricia or Madame X.  I didn't argue with her.  Okay, so maybe the fireworks were missing, but it was still pleasant.  For that matter, our love making was a marked improvement over our two futile attempts during U-Turn Week.  Mostly I felt sad.  I knew for a fact that somewhere in Victoria's complicated psyche there existed a woman I could have loved.  Too bad we never approached things the right way.  But it was too late.  We could have tepid sex, but never passion, not as long as the lingering guilt from Doorstep Night continued to haunt us.  As I drove home, I did not expect anything would come of this.  Instead I recognized it for what it was, two incredibly lonely people seeking comfort on a cold, dark night.  To be honest, I was glad it happened.  I was curious.  Things had been so incredibly pathetic back in October, I wanted to see if I had missed something.  Nope, still no spark.  It wasn't love.  However it was definitely better than Doorstep Night.

FRIDAY night, DECEMBER 21, 1979 END OF THE ROAD

I taught my final Disco class of the year on Friday, December 21.  And with that, my Disco Era was officially over.  Mind you, Disco was going strong in every other corner of the country.

But not in Houston.

Disco was dead.  Western was my only hope. 

FRIDAY night, DECEMBER 21 VICTORIA FALLS TO PIECES

The phone rang not long after I got home from my Friday class.  Victoria wanted me to come to her her house.  She sounded very depressed, so I said okay.  Then she asked a favor.  Would I mind parking around the corner just in case Michael drove by?  And would I mind looking around for any suspicious cars parked nearby before I walked to her house?  And while I was at it, could I use the gate to her backyard and come in that way?  Taking the hint, I promised I would use stealth.

Back in the good old days, I had been to Victoria's house several times.  However I had not been back since May.  That was the night Patricia had gone Scorched Earth and told Michael by phone that Victoria and I were up to no good.  I had to drive over to reassure Michael there was no hanky panky between us.  Which was the truth at the time.  Scorched Earth was an eternity ago.  Back then I had done everything in my power to let Michael know that I supported his marriage.  I said he had nothing to fear from me.  We all know how well that turned out.  Now Michael and Victoria were separated.   

Victoria was pale white when she greeted me at the back door.  The first thing she did was apologize for making me sneak around.  She feared inviting me over was taking a real chance.  A private eye or nosy neighbor might spot me and report to Michael.  I told her not to worry about it.  Unless someone was hiding behind a bush, the neighborhood was quiet.  Besides, she had a right to have company.

As I sat down in her living room, I wondered if this summons involved a repeat of Moonlight Delight from the previous evening.  However, based on her pained expression and the well-lit living room, Victoria did not appear to be in a romantic mood.  Victoria sat in a narrow chair holding her little lapdog, so I took the cue and sat in a chair across from her.  Victoria had sounded like she was at her wits end on the phone.  From the look of her, I had guessed right. 

Something was wrong here.  Something had happened.  I asked, "Are we alone?  Where is Stephanie?"

Victoria frowned.  "Stephanie is spending the night with Michael at his apartment.  Tomorrow I am taking her with me to see her grandparents for two weeks, so Michael wanted to keep her last night and again tonight.  When Michael came to pick her up earlier this evening, the moment the door closed, I started crying uncontrollably.  That's why I called you.  I need your help to calm down and put myself back together.  God, I hate December."

I could tell Victoria was in real pain.  "What's wrong, Victoria?"

"I feel like I have ruined my life."

That was the understatement of the century, but I kept a straight face.  "Why do you feel that way?"

"I don't know what I want any more.  Michael is talking seriously about a divorce.  Every day he seems more determined to head in that direction.  I don't whether to patch things up or not.  Maybe I should take my chances with a divorce and see what the future holds."  

I didn't know whether I was amused, pleased or insulted by what Victoria had just said.  I could not help but notice Victoria had not mentioned me as an option.  Perhaps it was an oversight, more likely it wasn't.  Following U-Turn Week, not once had Victoria spoken of a future for us.  Hmm.  Not that I wanted a future, but it would be nice to at least be acknowledged.  Even spare tires have pride.

When Victoria went silent for a moment, a series of nasty flashbacks hit me.  I recalled her attacks on Joanne and Patricia and the January Tirade.  I recalled the acrobatic moves we learned from with Glen.  Knowing full well my hands would be all over her legs, Victoria could have discretely worn leotards or long pants.  Instead my hands were allowed to touch her wonderful bare legs without any hint of objection.  Oh, how I lusted for her.  I remembered being paraded around Camelot as her boyfriend.  I remembered Victoria's seduction attempts at La Madeleine.  I recalled Patricia's jealousy and her Scorched Earth attempt to ruin Victoria's marriage.  I remembered Victoria's European Arrangement suggestion in June.  I remembered Cold Feet, the Playboy insult, and the Husband List in July.  I remembered the strange dance accidents, Car Talk, and Moonlight Madness in August.  I remember the ugly blackmail threats in September.  How could I ever forget Doorstep Night and U-Turn Week?  How could I forget Victoria's multiple personalities?  All in all, it had been a very long, very difficult year dealing with Victoria.  And here I was still tied to her. 

I tried to understand how it was possible for this beautiful Medusa to dominate me for an entire year.  Through a mix of cunning, sex appeal and sheer will power, Victoria had kept me under her thumb for twelve months.  Indeed, the scars etched on my psyche by this mercurial woman were deep and lasting.  I was struck by an overwhelming sense of irony.  Victoria had devastated Michael, traumatized Stephanie, offended Joanne, and cost me any chance to make things work with Patricia.  Now she done the same thing to Madame X.  Including herself and me, Victoria had damaged seven lives to pursue me.  And for what?  What did Victoria have to show for spreading misery in every direction?  More to the point, now that Victoria finally had me all to herself, she could care less.  Theoretically we were lovers, but not really.  Last night was loneliness and convenience, nothing more.  So what did she really want from me?  If Victoria saw no future for us, what was the point of keeping me around?  If she would just set me free, I was certain Jennifer would try again. 

For that matter, why had Victoria given up on me?  She had me all to herself, so what was stopping her?  The whole thing was absurd.  In my living room on Doorstep Night, Victoria had spoken of 'how special we could be'.  Three days later she had left behind her Destiny Letter claiming her conviction that Fate had forced her to pursue me.  Based on those two tantalizing glimpses, I knew there was a Good Woman hiding in there somewhere.  But everything else that emerged from this woman was vicious and selfish.  On Doorstep Night, was Victoria serious about her claims of Love?  Or did she lie just to get me into bed?  Victoria claimed Doorstep Night was an act of devotion, a daring sacrifice of her marriage in search of true love.  Or was it an act of revenge to punish Michael for some terrible misdeed I did not know about?  What made this woman tick?  Question after question haunted me.

Picture the moment.  Michael is gone.  He isn't coming back.  Victoria and I are alone in her house.  We had resumed making love one night earlier.  We are both lonely out of our minds.  I needed someone.  Victoria needed someone.  So what was stopping us?  The way I saw it, if ever Victoria wanted to make a serious effort at building a relationship with me, this was the night, this was the time, this was the place.  To my great surprise, I realized I was willing to try if she was.  To hell with Jennifer, she was a lost cause.  Victoria told me on Doorstep Night that she loved me.  So prove it.  All Victoria had to do was open her arms.

But that wasn't going to happen, was it?  I could tell by her expression that pursuing a closer relationship was the last thing Victoria wanted.  What an incredible insult.  I had been lured into this nasty web only to be discarded and retained at the same time.  How much more of this Limbo nonsense did I have to put up with?  I could only assume Victoria had come to the same conclusion as Patricia and Jennifer.  I was interesting, but not worth getting serious about.  All that stress and heartache for nothing, all those people caught in Victoria's rampage who were forced to suffer needlessly.  What a shame.

Realizing I was little more than a puppet to her, a wave of bitterness washed over me.  Gee, thanks a lot for nothing.  Can I have my freedom back?  I won't deny it, I was hurt by Victoria's neglect.  But it was not just Victoria.  Over the course of my Year of Living Dangerously, three different women had rejected me.  However I kept that painful thought to myself.  Instead I decided to see what Victoria was so upset about.  

KRAMER VERSUS KRAMER

"You seem pretty depressed, Victoria.  What's going on?"

"Oh, I have to tell you, Rick, I made the worst mistake today.  After I dropped Stephanie off at her 'Mother's Day Out' program, I went to see Kramer versus Kramer.  That movie destroyed me.  It is the story of a mother who frivolously walks out on her husband and child.  The father and his son somehow cope with the loss and grow incredibly close.  Then out of nowhere the mother comes to her senses and returns to reclaim her son.  Except that what she is doing is incredibly unfair to both the boy and to her jilted husband.  She plans to get full custody of the boy even though she is well aware her cruelty will break the heart of father and son.

Watching Meryl Streep act so selfishly, I saw myself.  I have never hated myself more than I do tonight.  The custody battle was unbearable to watch.  In particular those legal scenes ripped me to shreds because it gave me a painful preview of what is coming.  I swear to God that movie was meant for me.  It captured my life plus Michael and Stephanie to perfection.

Dustin Hoffman played the father.  He was distraught at the thought of being forced to give his son back to his carelessly destructive wife.  Seeing the man's pain, I died at the thought of what I have done to Michael.  I have never felt such horrible guilt in my life.  I have been so selfish.  Oh my god, what have I done to that poor man?  And will Stephanie ever recover?"

I had not heard of this movie yet, but it obviously had a very powerful effect on Victoria.  What a shame this movie was not around back when I was trying to explain all of this to Victoria back in September.  I could see these consequences plain as day.  The question was why Victoria could not see the same thing. 

"You realize, of course, that in custody battles the mother has the upper hand."

"Yes, I am well aware of that.  But I fear my infidelity will work against me."

"I doubt it.  Stephanie never even knew you were gone during U-Turn Week.  However, I understand your concern.  Where do you stand with Michael at the moment?"

"Michael is angry at me, very angry.  Michael says he wants a divorce and full custody of our daughter.  He blames me for making Stephanie absolutely miserable.  But if he takes Stephanie from me, I will die."

"How do you suppose Michael feels?  If you take Stephanie away from him, I bet he feels like he will die too."

"I know that, Rick, I know that.  That is what has been tearing me apart all day long."

"How is Stephanie handling this?"

"Oh, the poor girl is so unhappy.  Michael says Stephanie cries all the time.  She doesn't understand anything.  All she knows is that her Daddy has moved out of the house and she begs him to return every time she sees him.  It breaks my heart."

As I listened, keep in mind that this scenario was exactly what I feared back when Darya was filling Victoria's head with the joys of adultery.  But what good would it do to tell Victoria I warned her?

"How often does Stephanie see Michael?"

"Every day after work.  Michael deliberately found a place close by to make it easier to see Stephanie.  He stays with her here at the house on the two nights I am at the studio.  On the other nights he comes over after work to see her for a while.  I go in the kitchen or the bedroom and try to stay out of sight.  However I can't help but peek.  It kills me to see how much they miss each other.  The poor girl clings to him like glue and Michael needs her as much as she needs him.  Stephanie knows something is terribly wrong.  The other night Michael picked a fight over something when I walked across the living room.  Stephanie started crying the moment he raised his voice.  Michael turned white.  He was so ashamed of himself for making her cry, he abruptly walked out of the house.  He hates me.  He blames me for everything.  He says I've ruined his life."

"How do you feel about the blame game?"

"I can't stand it.  Michael knows exactly how to make me feel guilty.  Every time I see him he reminds me that I abandoned him and cheated on him.  How do you think that makes me feel?  How many times do I have to be reminded?  If Michael had his way, he would tattoo the word 'Adultery' on my forehead.  He uses that word all the time.  That's when I lose my temper and say things I don't mean.  I can't seem to force myself to tell him that deep down I agree with many of the things he says.  My guilt is so overwhelming that I hate myself.  I wish I could tell him I went temporarily insane and confess how sorry I am.  But so far I have been so mad at him that I can't say those words.  When he is yelling at me, all I can do is defend myself and fight back.  I hate to say it, but I know exactly how to hurt him.  He gets angry, I get angry, and neither of us will admit we still care about each other."

I was very touched by what Victoria said.  I felt so helpless.  It crushed me to know these two people belonged together, but there was nothing I could do to heal the rift.  

"I notice that you keep Stephanie and me apart.  What is that all about?"

I already knew the answer, but I was curious to hear Victoria say it.  The most telling sign that our relationship had no future was the wall Victoria had built between me and her daughter.  I had met Stephanie a few times before the Affair started.  However, after the U-Turn, for all Stephanie knew, I did not exist. 

"I have explained that to you before.  Bartholomew insists that I keep you away from Stephanie.  If someone noticed you behaving as a potential stepfather, it would be a potent weapon in the hands of Michael's lawyer.  Not just that, the knowledge would infuriate Michael.  He would go berserk if you started to show interest in his daughter.  My lawyer has me scared out of my wits.  He insists this cannot happen.  The main reason I stay so close to home is the fear I will lose Stephanie in the divorce settlement.  That explains why I am never apart from Stephanie for long.  She is my entire world."

I had little doubt Victoria was telling the truth about her lawyer's advice.  n fact, it made perfect sense.  Nor did Victoria's decision to keep us apart bother me.  Nor did I blame Michael for feeling possessive towards his daughter.  He had nothing to worry about from me.  I was more than willing to leave this relationship any time Victoria was ready to give me permission.  The events of U-Turn Week had stripped me of any illusion that Victoria and I had much of a future.  Her indifference towards me tonight spoke volumes to that effect.  I was her sounding board and little more.

"Tell me again why Michael moved out.   I never quite understood that."

"Once I moved back home from your house, the arguing became more bitter.  We argued at all times of the day.  Our daughter heard us and cried, but we didn't know because we were so loud.  Then one night Michael and I heard her crying in her bedroom.  I flung open the door and panicked when I saw her crocodile tears.  I turned on Michael and chewed him out for raising his voice.  I barked at him that he was making his daughter miserable.  I told him everything would be so much better if he would just leave.  I wish I could take those words back because Michael was absolutely crushed.  That was a huge mistake because he left two days later.  Once we were separated, things got much worse.  Now Stephanie cries all the time.  All she ever says is 'I want my Daddy back'.  I can't stand it."

Victoria paused a moment to hold back the tears, then added, "Kramer versus Kramer made me want to kill myself today.  The guilt was excruciating."

From my vantage point, Victoria and Michael went out of their way to be really good parents throughout these bad times.  I had long believed their child was only thing keeping them civil towards each other.  Despite the finger-pointing and screaming matches, they were always so protective of their daughter.  Now they were both ashamed of themselves for letting their problems affect their vulnerable daughter.

"Where does Michael stand?  You say he is threatening divorce.  Has he filed yet?"

"I don't think he's filed, but he says he will soon.  Michael is angry at me for all sorts of things.  He is mad at me for choosing you over him.  He is mad at me for ruining our marriage for Disco of all things.  He laughs with scorn now that Disco is dead.  He loves to taunt me about it.  He asks me all the time if it was worth throwing our marriage away for a dance fad and a dance teacher who lost his job [ouch!]  When he says that, he makes me feel so foolish and petty.  He hates me for upsetting our daughter.  He hates me for putting him through this ordeal and he hates me for the mean things I say to hurt him.  He is mad at me for forcing him to leave his own house.  He hates me for having sex with another man.  Michael loves to remind me that he didn't do anything wrong, so why should he have to be the one to leave?"

"I am confused.  Did you kick Michael out?"

"No, not really.  I didn't kick him out, but I certainly suggested it enough times.  After he left, I realized deep down I didn't want him to go.  I have a terrible habit of saying things I don't really mean, but my pride was too great to beg him to change his mind."

"What about the divorce?  It sounds to me like you are willing to mend fences.  Is that possible?"

"No, I doubt it.  Certainly not till Michael cools off.  Michael is still furious at me for moving in with you.  He admits my betrayal hurt him terribly.  He agrees that he gave me tacit permission to leave that night, but he never believed I would go through with it.  Even after I left, I think some part of him believed I would change my mind on the road and turn around.   You know what, I can't believe I went through with it either.  Moving in with you is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.  Michael refuses to forgive me nor do I blame him.  We have fought constantly ever since I moved back home.  Michael brings up the subject of my betrayal every time we quarrel."

"Have you ever told Michael you're sorry?" 

"I've tried, but Michael doesn't trust anything I say.  Michael asks why he should stay married to me when I was unfaithful.  I don't have an answer for that.  I ask myself the same question.  Why should he stay married to me?  Furthermore, why should I stay married to him?  He doesn't trust me, he doesn't like me, he doesn't respect me and he treats me like the enemy.  So what's the point of staying married to him?  I don't know, I guess divorce is inevitable."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that.  Have you thought of trying again for the sake of your daughter?  She is young.  If you reunite, Stephanie will heal, I am sure of it."

"I don't how to reach Michael.  His wall of anger feels impenetrable.  I would need at least some sign he is willing to try.  It hasn't happened so far and I don't see it happening in the near future." 

"In that case, what will you do if Michael files for the divorce?"

"I intend to keep full custody of Stephanie and I intend to keep this house.  I expect Michael will pay child support and I guess I will have to go back to teaching elementary school full-time like you once suggested.  Plus I plan to keep teaching dance at night.  I need all the money I can get.  Bills are mounting and this lawyer isn't cheap."

I thought about asking where her divorce would leave us, but thought better of it.  That was one subject where the less said, the better.  Victoria had used my words against me in past, so best to keep my thoughts to myself.

"Victoria, it is getting late.  Do you want me to stay or go?"

"I want you to stay, Rick.  I feel very insecure.  But would you mind sleeping on the couch?"

I smiled.  "No, I don't mind.  If you need to talk some more, just come and get me."

I spent a fitful night on Victoria's couch.  She awoke me at 5:30 am.  Victoria said I should leave early in case Michael dropped by unexpectedly.  She gave me a hug, then whispered, "I am so grateful that you came over last night.  Thank you.  I don't know how I ever would have made it through the night otherwise."

"You are welcome, Victoria.  I was glad to help."  And I meant it.

DECEMBER 1979 THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY

This would be the last time I talked to Victoria till after the New Year.  In fact, Victoria was pretty much the last person I spoke to for the final 10 days of the year.  My father could care less that I existed.  Not a word from him.  My mother had moved to Mexico.  Her husband had been caught walking drunk down the middle of a major Houston street.  Considering he was not here legally, the man's self-destructive behavior had gotten him deported.  About the same time my grandmother passed away.  Using her inheritance, my mother bought two border houses, one in McAllen, Texas, the other across the Rio Grande river in Reynosa, Mexico.  Whenever her husband Pasqual pissed her off, Mom would sleep in McAllen.  Whenever he was nice to her, she would sleep in Reynosa.  Don't get me started on my parents or this book will double in length.

Meanwhile the Clarks, my adopted family, went to Louisiana to visit relatives.  And so I became a hermit.  During the final days of the year I could count the people I spoke to on one hand.  There were three phone inquiries about dance lessons, there was a grocery store clerk and the fifth was the lady who sold me my ticket to Kramer versus Kramer. 

I spent New Year's Eve watching a meaningless football game on TV with Emily and Sissy for company.  Once they saw the mascot was a bulldog, they both rooted for the other team.  Traitors.  It had been that kind of year.  Afterwards I opened a bottle of champagne.  As I sat alone in my house sipping champagne , a very obnoxious thought crossed my mind.  1979 began with Patricia visiting George in Los Angeles.  It ended with Jennifer visiting Jeff in Dallas.  Patricia was gone because I did not make enough money, Joanne was gone because she couldn't tolerate my recklessness, Jennifer didn't trust me, and Victoria was too wrapped up in her problems to pay attention to me.  I was so stupid, I did not even have the sense to get Sally's phone number. 

Although I was lonely, solitude was good for reflection.  Most of my thoughts centered around how my Dangerous Liaison in January had led to Doorstep Night.  There is a Buddhist saying that a person learns more in one year of strife than he does in ten years of harmony.  I would have to agree with that.  I learned all sorts of painful lessons over this past year.  Can you guess the most important one?  I will share it in a moment.

If there was one regret that stood out above the rest, it was allowing myself to become involved with a married woman.  Throughout the year I had taken the path of appeasement with this tempestuous woman in order to protect my business.  In the process, I ended up ruining a marriage and causing great harm to several people.

No matter how many times I tried to blame Victoria and her blackmail threat to destroy the studio, the fact remained that I had participated in the Affair of my own free will.  Or did I?  Yes, in my heart I believed 'Fate' had gotten me into this mess.  Yet at the same time, I had to take responsibility.  Like Jennifer constantly reminded me, just because Victoria entered my house did not mean I had to sleep with her.  Jennifer was right. 

Next time, keep your pants on. 

Victoria's Kramer vs Kramer talk made quite an impression on me.  Perhaps there was something I could do to make amends.  The word 'Atonement' stood at the forefront of my thoughts.  As 1979 drew to a close, I made a silent vow.  If the opportunity presented itself, I wanted to find a way to repair the damage I had helped create.  Perhaps there was some way I could help Victoria save her marriage. 

So many mistakes.  Why did I sleep with Joanne?  Why did I take Patricia back?  Most of all, why did I let Victoria through my door?  During my days of winter solitude, I asked myself again and again how I managed to enter into an Affair I had vowed to avoid.  I had always considered myself to be a decent person, but I wasn't so sure any more.  1979 had been a year full of lies, fraudulent behavior, and infidelity.  And betrayal too according to Jennifer.  I learned many difficult lessons, but what did I have to show for them?  Not much other than heartache and heartbreak. 

1979 was the worst year of my life.  Looking for a silver lining, I could not think of one at the moment.  I was tougher, maybe a bit wiser, but I was lonely and my dance career was in deep trouble.  Stuck in Limbo for the past six months, the Epic Losing Streak was certain to continue into 1980 with no end in sight.  Ironically, in a year when I had been surrounded by more women than I could have ever imagined, I spent New Year's Eve alone.  Goodbye and good riddance to the Year of Living Dangerously.