The stories in the box below are Grapevine features that were large enough to get their own page

HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE !

The Official SSQQ News Source
Written, Slandered, and Misquoted by Rick Archer.

Any Dirt, Tidbits, Announcements, and Lies should be relayed
QQuickly (not SSlowly) to Rick at dance@ssqq.com

Our Motto :
Surely there is no rumor too vicious to report !

So, what's happening in the SSQQ Jungle these days ?

posted 12-9-99

Brutal Competition !!

On Sunday evening, December 5th, Judy Archer and Leroy Ginzel participated in a fierce, brutally contested OATMEAL COOKIE BAKE-OFF COMPETITION. Judy, of course, had an impressive home court advantage. Not only has Judy been plying us with her famous oatmeal cookies for the past 10 years at special events such as the Halloween Party, the Christmas Party, and the Sock Hop, but also she enjoys a rather high profile as SSQQ's second-in-command. Leroy, the proverbial outsider who loves to try the impossible, was undeterred by Judy's reputation. Knowing just how good his own Oatmeal Cookies are, Leroy had the audacity to challenge Judy to a head-to-head Bake-Off.

Well, history is filled with tales of underdogs rising to victory. From David and Goliath to the 1969 Joe Namath-led upset victory in the Super Bowl to the current political struggle of John McCain to overtake George Bush, America loves the underdog. Leroy was undaunted.

The Cookie Contest took place at Sunday Practice Night. I personally set out the cookies on two sides of the table. I told about 70 students to put Cookie #1 in their right hand and Cookie #2 in their left hand. I also wanted everyone to wait to eat their cookies at the same time, but alas I caught about a Baker's Dozen munching away helpelessly before the official Munch Signal. Tsk.

As the prodigious gasps of delight began to diminish, it was time to vote for the cookies. Both cookies received generous applause. Of course they had already received the highest honor : nearly 100% of the people there had enthusiastically participated in eating both cookies with unabashed pleasure.

As for who won, the answer is obvious. We the Cookie Eaters did !!!   Both cookies were terrific. I might add that Judy brought home several of Leroy's cookies after the party - he baked quite a few !!   A couple days later I was kind of hungry and I asked Judy where those cookies had gotten to. Judy smiled and said they were gone. She and Samantha ate them. Leroy's cookies have three big fans here at my house.

posted 11-30-99

Rachel Seff Shares an Interesting Story

Rachel Seff, SSQQ instructor and matchmaker extraordinaire, contributes this tale :

JD Horne is a student of mine from law school. This happened when JD and several of his friends were out in Austin recently. JD relates the story in his own words below....

The Absolutely True, and Funniest Damn "J.D. Horne Pick-Up" story of all time: (please read no further if your sensibilities are easily offended)

I was at Lucky Lounge (a 4th Street bar where exotic dancers and/or similarly beautiful and shallow women go to meet men) and had been working on this girl for over an hour. She was absolutely the bomb--way out of my league. I actually only approached her on a dare, because these guys were talking to these other guys that we were with about how "fearless" (read: stupid?) I was when it came to girls and that I would go up and talk to anyone, making me the perfect "point man."

Well, anyway the conversation deteriorated into these guys picking the hottest girl in the bar and "daring" me to go talk to her. My manhood challenged, I sauntered over, fully expecting her to laugh out loud at my feeble approach and only hoping that she would not humiliate me publicly. To my surprise and wonder, she was warm to my approach and turned out to be genuinely nice and intelligent, in addition to being unGodly hot. Like I said earlier, I talked to her for at least an hour, with these guys !!! standing over in the corner in amazement the whole time. So anyway, it becomes time for her to leave with her friends, so she gives me her card and asks me for my card which I promptly provided and I went ahead and asked her out on the spot for dinner the next week. She said yes & then I leaned in for a little swapping of spit--nothing short of ELECTRIC!

I turned and strolled over triumphantly to my minions, shit-eating grin on my face, while they were literally doing the Sammy Sosa-esque "We're not worthy" up-and-down flailing of the arms. Sounds like a great story, right?? WRONG!

We're standing there in a semi-circle a few minutes later and I see her from across the bar stomping, and I mean literally STOMPING, over to the spot where I was standing with her "posse" of girls. Before I could even say a word, she blurts out (and I think I'm quoting): "Look here, asshole, the date's OFF and you can stick this up your ass!" With that, she threw my card at me and stormed out of the building. To say the least, I was absolutely flabbergasted. What, pray tell, would cause such a visceral and spontaneous tongue-lashing?? I followed her out of the bar, running behind her like an idiot, asking her "what happened? what did I do? etc. etc."

She absolutely would not even speak to me. Her and her friends jumped in a cab, and I never saw her again. I walked back to the bar in absolute bewilderment, wondering what the hell had happened. Alas, to my ultimate shame, I soon found the answer...

When I walked inside the bar, the six GROWN men that I was with that night were literally sprawled out on the concrete floor of the bar in absolute hysterics. They had even recruited curious total strangers who were similarly laughing at me. Upon seeing me, they broke into spontaneous applause, the likes of which is usually reserved for rock stars and/or athletes. The reason for the laughter, the applause?? On the back of my card that I had given to this vision of beauty was the following notation, written down the previous week from another night on the town:

Amy 476-3323
"BIG TITS"

Just call me "King of Smooth"....

 Rachel did not have anything to add, so we will just have to grin and bear it !  Thank you, Rachel.

 posted 11-29-99

BJ and Renee Downs have a Daughter !

Tammy Pennington reports (Thanks, Tammy) :

Billy and Reneé Downs have a new daughter! Kaylee Ann Downs was born 11/5/99 at 10:46 pm., 7 lbs. 4 oz., 21".

Editor's Note:  Congratulations!  Renee and BJ of course met here at SSQQ. Renee was on the SSQQ Staff for several years until she retired to prepare for the birth of her first child. Project completed !  This is wonderful news!

 posted 11-23-99

Kimberly and Bryan get Married !

The lovely Gillian Tilbury sends this in :

Kimberly Meadows and Bryan Thome were married on Saturday, November 20th and are spending their honeymoon in London. The happy couple met a year ago on Halloween night. Obviously, Bryan could see right through Kimberly's costume to see the wonderful girl beneath. Kimberly and Bryan were quite ambitious in planning the wedding, they did just about everything themselves, including the wedding invitations.

JoAnne Armstrong and Gillian Tilbury were two of the Bridesmaids. Dennis Taupo was also a part of the wedding party. Mitch Istre DJ'ed for Kimberly and Bryon at the reception - he has quite a collection of music. Other SSQQ guests included Matthew Tyson, Thom Downey, Rocky Kneten, Laura Wilde, Randy Goshorn, and Yim Szeto. These great dancers had the crowd in awe as they tore up the dance floor.

Editor's note : Congratulations, Kim and Bryan !!!  And thanks for telling us about the wedding, Gillian, although we do wish you had added more about Kim's Halloween costume. Plus a warning for all you single SSQQ people... better watch out... love is in the air !

posted 11-16-99

Susie Merrill's Dance Team does Something Exciting !

But nobody knows what it is. click here for story.

posted 11-23-99

Shortest Contest in History

Day One, Tuesday, November 23rd.

I decided to post the January schedule on Tuesday, Nov. 23. Judy always tells me I am incapable of proofreading my own work and I always reply that my mistakes are far and few between. So for the fun of it, I decided to put a deliberate mistake on the January schedule page. Then I dared everyone to find the mistake with these immortal words :

Also, to enhance the reader's pleasure, I am having a contest. I have deliberately added one mistake
on this page. First person to catch it and email me gets a dollar off their next class plus Glory.

So I drive off to pick up my daughter from school. Awaiting me when I get home 20 minutes later is this email from Karen Davidson :

Could it be that the price for beginning Two Step/Polka on Wednesdays in January was left at 1999 prices? (that wasn't "THE error", but that was DEFINITELY an error).

Also, a correction for another page is for Volleyball. When you pull up the Volleyball page it says the game is Nov. 11 instead of Dec. 11. (that wasn't THE error, but that was a BIG error).

The schedule says the Warm up 4 Christmas party is the 4th.
The calendar says its the 11th. (that wasn't THE error, but that was an ENORMOUS error).

The schedule says the Christmas party is on the 17th.
The calendar says there's a dance on the 18th. (that wasn't THE error, but that was a GLARING error).

The Calendar says the Feb. dance schedule starts Jan. 30, but new Jan. schedule says that's the 4th week of the January classes. (that wasn't THE error, but that was an error. Sadly I had noticed this particular error myself earlier in the day, but didn't feel spending 20 minutes adding the month of February just yet to solve the problem. Instead I rationalized that no one would notice. I never bargained Karen would notice. Hmmm).

Well, the sad thing is that Karen didn't even catch THE ERROR. That distinction went to Doug Bates about 10 minutes after Karen emailed me. However I am not going to tell you what it is - earn a dollar off your next class and find it yourself. click here

In the meantime, don't ever mess with Karen Davidson. She humiliated me in this contest. Ironically I was going to post her Halloween picture today when I got home. It was ready to publish on the Internet. After what she did to my self-esteem I think I will wait till next week...  just kidding. Go see her picture for yourself. Karen is very pretty. She was in a picture with Deborah Pyle and Becky Stockinger.  click here

Then to add insult to injury, 5 seconds before I was about to publish her picture on the web page, my computer signaled me I got a new email. I shuddered. Yes, my worst fear : it's from Karen Davidson. Not again.

I'm back. Okay, I found it.

Friday night Interm. Western Swing Ladies $364

Marla is a great teacher, but for four weeks, that's a bit much.

Karen  (Well, Karen, that wasn't "THE error", but that was DEFINITELY an error. Thank you so much).

So Karen humiliates me with not 5 errors found, but 6. Some were small, some were huge and pathetic on my part. But Doug wins the contest. Hah, Karen, nah nah nah !  Take that !!! You still didn't find THE ERRROR. Tsk Tsk. Try a little harder next time !

And one more thing. Don't bother looking for the errors yourself. Thanks to Ms. K, I corrected them all. But THE ERRROR is still out there to torture Karen.

Then, to add insult to injury, just as I was correcting the spelling errrors in this writeup, Judy called me on the phone to tell me I had listed the Saturday classes as running from 7-9 pm instead of from 4:30-6:30 pm on the schedule we took to the printer. I may be able to catch the printer in time or maybe I won't, but it doesn't matter ...Thanksgiving may only be two days away, but I already feel like the Turkey. Gobble Gobble Gobble. I cannot begin to relate just how embarrassing this all is.

Meanwhile I have decided to handle my bitterness in an immature way. 

Day Two: Wednesday, November 24. Karen emails me again. She found “THE ERRROR”. I am stripped of my last my last source of pride. That is “THE ERRROR”. Karen probably finds Waldo fast too. I think I will ask Karen to work for me. Beware the man who hires intelligent women; he is prepared to let them do great things, then take the credit for it. But I won't have her assist me; she would catch all my mistakes in class too.

posted 11-24-99

Elvis !   Dolly !  Julio !  Heartbeat !  10 Great Acts in All !

Our November 20 Lip Sync Show was very entertaining. The Lip Sync Show was inspired by a show we saw on our Caribbean Cruise back in the summer of 1998. I laughed my butt off on the cruise and decided we definitely needed to give it a try here at the studio!  This was our third show and it was pretty wonderful.

To find out what happened and who performed, click here

posted 11-12-99

The SSQQ Balloon Race Curse Continues !

Do you believe in curses? No, of course you don’t. Neither do I. But maybe there is something to curses. When I was growing up, in professional basketball back in the 60's the legendary Boston Celtics of Bill Russell and Red Auerbach were supposed to have a curse on the Los Angeles Lakers. Those Lakers, led by Hall-of-Famers Jerry West and Elgin Baylor, were a very good team. But year after year after year they always lost to the Celtics. Almost every series went seven games, but the Celtics won every one of these suspense-filled showdowns. Eight times in a row the Celtics came out on top despite the fact that the teams were pretty evenly matched in talent.

That is an amazing story. But the story of the SSQQ Curse is even stranger. The events from the SSQQ Balloon Race back in August were so bizarre, it took me four months to come to grips with what transpired. But now I have finally gotten the courage to write about it.  Are you curious ?  Then read what happened !!  This story is stranger than any Twilight Zone or X-Files episode !  And it is all True !!!  Click Here

posted 11-12-99

The Floppy Wizard Computer Store Moves to a New Location

After 17 years, Gary Richardson and his wife Betty have decided to leave the Memorial City Mall for a new location at 2551 North Gessner, about 3 miles from their old location. As I write this article, the store is being moved.

Many of you know Gary and Betty as the Midnight Waltzers every Friday or you may know them from Death Valley classes or possibly the Martian Whip classes. Gary and Betty have taken classes at SSQQ for three years. What you might not know is that Gary has sold 17 computers to SSQQ staff and students including SSQQ Staffers such as Daryl and Joanne Armstrong, Linda Cook, and Maureen Brunetti. That is a lot of computers !!

In fact, more than any other person, Gary Richardson has been instrumental at keeping SSQQ at the very forefront of computer technology. You see, Gary taught me practically everything I know about computers. He taught me how to use email. Now I receive and send 50 emails a day. He taught me how to scan pictures and post them on the web. All those Halloween pictures you see are the result of training that Gary gave to me in a program called "Paint Shop Pro" plus a Sony Digital Camera he showed me how to use.

Do you like the SSQQ Party Posters and those crazy syllabuses that no one can understand ?  Gary taught me how to use "Microsoft Publisher" to create those posters and syllabi. It isn't his fault no one can understand them. 

Gary taught me how to create music CDs before this was a common-place practice using "Adaptec Spin Doctor" and "CD Creator". He taught me how to amplify music, change its speed, and edit the length of a song using "Cool Edit Pro". Gary sold me the technology that helped create the SSQQ Web Site using "Front Page". Our web site is critical to our success. It now averages nearly a hundred visitors a day.

And sometime in year 2000 Gary will probably teach me how to convert our entire DJ system over to the use of computers and MPEG technology as well. In all, I have bought 3 computers from Gary and I will likely buy a fourth in year 2000 so Judy and Sam will have an upgrade.

Back in the fall of 1997, as I got to know Gary, he told me of the many things a computer could do to help me in my business. The only problem was that I didn't have a clue how to operate a modern computer. Gary felt sorry for me and said he would help me get started. With that encouragement, I went ahead and took the plunge. Every day for practically the entire month of November, 1997, I would drive over to the Floppy Wizard and hang out for a couple of hours. When Gary had a free moment he would help me himself or assign one of his assistants Tim and Rick to help me. I knew Gary didn't have the time to help everyone like this, but I think he took pity on me. Slowly but surely I developed enough skills to be able to take full advantage of my new computer.

More than anything else what I remember after I took my computer home was the help that Gary would give me over the phone whenever I would get stuck at home. Many times Gary rescued me from the depths of despair with a helpful hint that went way past the call of duty. Not one time did he ever lose his patience with me. I would never had gotten that kind of help from any other computer store in the city. Gary singlehandedly helped take SSQQ to a whole new level of development. This in a nutshell explains why I am so grateful to Gary Richardson.

Now that Gary is moving his store, he has decided to start offering computer training classes. I think this is a great idea. Now SSQQ students who are lost trying to decipher the mysteries of computer software can get some much needed assistance from the experts. If any of you have ever struggled to unlock the secrets of Microsoft Word,  negotiate the treacherous territory of Windows 95/98, or negotiate the unfamiliar territory of Email, here is a great chance to add these highly valuable skills to your bag of tricks. The Computer classes will be held in the evenings at his store from 7-9 pm starting in December.

For more information, you can call Gary at 713-461-8660 or email him at floppy@blkbox.com  You can also read more about his store on the SSQQ Web Site if you click here.

posted 11-14-99

Jill Banta wins the September SSQQ Joke contest !

Jill Banta is our Winner for September with her joke "Aesop's Fables". It is an interesting story about how an older chicken cleverly tricks a younger chicken into a big mistake. Jill is no stranger to our Winners Circle. Although this is her first First Place Victory, she has finished Second two other times and won numerous RunnerUp and Honorable Mention honors as well over the past six months. Nice Going, Thrill !

In a three-way tie for Second Place we had "Extreme Measures" by Bill Mayo, "Texans to the Rescue" by Dana Pattison, and "Swearing off Women" by Kathleen Alexander. All three were a tad on the naughty side so they appeared on the Blue Side. "Extreme Measures" chronicled the sacrifices a young man was unwittingly ready to make for his girlfriend's safety. "Texans to the Rescue" tells the story of an unorthodox, but highly effective life-saving rescue for a lady choking to death. Bill Mayo and Dana Pattison are first-time winners. "Swearing off Women" was my personal favorite this month. It detailed the story of two broken-hearted men who moved to the Canadian Wilderness to recover only to discover an unusual new love in their lives. Kathleen Alexander is a previous winner with her first place joke in May named "Christmas in Connecticut".

Runner Ups included two excellent pirate jokes by Chris Holmes plus a clever saga taking place in a Mexican Jail by Ella Forel.

Honorable Mentions go to Patty Jones, Gillian Tilbury, Kendra Heath, Mary Tyler Moore, and Mike Gerstenberger.

Thanks everybody !  You can these jokes for two more weeks at this location : September 99 Jokes

posted 11-18-99

Killer Whale Lawsuit Dropped
reprinted from the Houston Chronicle 

Tuesday, October 5, 1999
Orlando, Florida

The parents of a man found naked and dead on the back of a killer whale at Sea World Orlando have dropped a lawsuit alleging Sea World caused their son's death by portraying the dangerous orca as safe and huggable.

“They voluntarily dismissed the lawsuit,” Sea World executive vice president and general manager Vic Abbey said. “this was a very tragic accident that occurred, but as we’ve said all along we felt the lawsuit had no merit.”

Patricia and Michael Dukes of Columbia, South Carolina, had filed suit on September 10 seeking several million dollars for pain and suffering at the loss of their only son, Daniel, 27, a drifter who was found drowned to death in July in the whale tank. Heavy intoxication apparently contributed to this untimely event.

Editor's Note : Our legal system has got to be changed. This loser gets drunk, he breaks into Sea World at night, jumps into the whale tank, and drowns trying to kiss a killer whale. Then the loser parents turn around and sue Sea World for millions of dollars, claiming the whale was friendly and huggable. Didn't these idiots ever see "Orca, the Killer Whale"?  Who do they think Orca is, Barney's best friend ??   And some idiot lawyer agrees to represent them?  What in the hell is wrong with our legal system ? 

I think Sea World should sue these idiot parents for any damages to their park caused by raising a child without a brain. Even though I am sure the lawsuit had no chance in hell of winning, that doesn't mean that someone should have the right to aggravate the living daylights out of the Sea World people. After all, it surely could not have been fun to find what amounts to a suicide victim floating around in their waters. And I doubt the publicity was very helpful although some cynics might disagree. I wish there was some sort of penalty for filing a ridiculous lawsuit like this. Oh, by the way, click here for Daniel's picture. He makes Charles Manson look loveable and huggable. Don't you agree Orca the Killer Whale should be allowed to file a sexual harassment suit while we're at it ??

posted 11-08-99

Julie Adamis and Troy Thornton announce Engagement !

Doug Skokna writes :

There was a recent engagement between two students. Julie Adamis and Troy Thornton (I’m not sure I spelled Troy’s name correctly) became engaged on October 30. They met at SSQQ. A wedding is planned for early next year.

Apparently one night in class back in August Julie became ill in her Beginning Two Step and Polka class. Troy quickly came to her rescue. Soon afterwards, Julie had Gail Sink obtain Troy’s phone number so she could call to thank him for helping her. Julie called Troy, and, as they say, the rest is history.

Editor's Note : Congratulations, Troy and Julie !!

posted 11-07-99

Letty Molina and Patrick Dougherty announce Engagement !

Gary Richardson reports :

It is official: Letty Molina and Patrick Dougherty just announced their wedding plans this week. She showed me her ring today. The water has done it again. Dancing is dangerous to these single men and ladies.

Gloria Carmona writes :

I heard through the grapevine that ....Letty "the Polka Queen" Molina is officially engaged to Lt. Patrick Dougherty. Man, you should see the ring!!!!!!  They plan to wed sometime in the year 2000. Another SSQQ love story !!

Editor's Note : Congratulations, Patrick and Letty !!

posted 10-31-99

Tales from the Crypt

Judy and I faced a mystery last week. Dracula had been "disturbed". Dracula is a big part of SSQQ Halloween. More people have had their Halloween pictures taken with Dracula at the studio than any other monster. It must be because he is so cute and photogenic.

I credit Southern Importers for giving me the idea to have a semi-realistic Dracula. At their store one year around 1991, they had an incredibly realistic Dracula one year. People would just line his coffin to marvel at how realistic the sleeping Dracula looked, only to suddenly flinch in terror as Dracula's hand would raise as if to grab them. It turns out a policeman who runs security at the store had wired up Dracula's hand using fishline. From a remote vantage point  20 feet away, he could wait for the perfect moment to jerk the wire. Screams were not uncommon as I would shop at Southern Importers. He would certainly have gotten me too, but I was in such a hurry, I just glanced in admiration and kept on going. Then when I kept hearing screams I decided to see what was going on. One poor lady really "bought it". She was just ranting and raving about how great Dracula looked. She had 5 kids with her and a girl friend. Just fooling around, this lady was actually leaning over the crypt exposing her neck and daring Dracula to bite her. The policeman's timing could not have been better. Up leapt that hand and out came a blood-curdling scream that would have made Janet Leigh proud (her scream in "Psycho" is probably the most famous movie scream and her daughter Jamie Lee carried on the family tradition in "Halloween"). 

I hoped to duplicate this horror magic at SSQQ. Larry Carlton helped enormously. He teaches shop at a Cy-Fair high school. His teams have won many state contests under his guidance. I told him about needing a coffin, so as a class project his students made SSQQ a terrific life-size coffin. Unfortunately for my purposes though the body proved more problematic. I bought an inflatable body, but the results were mediocre. Again Larry came to the rescue by bringing body parts to the studio : arms, torso, head, legs... all held together with stakes. How ironic. Unfortunately the SSQQ Dracula proved too flimsy to jerk around with fish wire, so over the years we have been content just to admire the impressive coffin with Dracula lying peacefully in repose.

Judy is the only person with any talent for making Dracula look good. She "brings him to life" every year. It takes about half an hour of careful concentration. This year was no exception. So it was with great bewilderment one Friday when I discovered that our Dracula didn't look right. Someone had obviously been messing with Dracula. I showed Judy who agreed he had been "disturbed". Frowning, Judy immediately set about redoing Dracula. Neither of us could figure out what had happened.

The mystery was solved a few days later as I worked on the SSQQ Haunted House. My carpenter friend Solomon and his cousin Luis were helping me put together the maze. As we walked through Room 2, Solomon pointed out Dracula to Luis and said something to him in Spanish. Luis frowned deeply as Solomon laughed. I asked Solomon what the deal was.

The story went like this. Every Wednesday night around midnight Solomon's son Joel cleans the studio with the help of his mother Rosalva and his sister Dulce. Apparently Joel was sick, so they enlisted Luis to take Joel's place. Now you need to know the studio is a scary place late at night after the lights are off. All you have to see by is the eerie glow of the red exit lights. Last year as I was leaving I glanced over and was frightened to see a man crouching ready to leap at me... it wasn't till after I had jumped back into a "ready for battle fighting" stance I realized it was the new standup Wolfman we had just bought for the studio. Hmm. Well, that didn't stop my heart from beating furiously for quite a while !

Dulce, Solomon's daughter is about 21 and very pretty. She is very short (5 feet) and very thin. She also has a sneaky side. Using her mother to set Luis up, Dulce turned out the lights in Room 2. She put a broom right next to Dracula's coffin, then actually crawled into the coffin with Dracula and closed the lid. A couple minutes later Rosalva asked Luis to go into Room 2 and get the broom. More than happy to help, Luis walked into the dimly lit room.

Just as he reached for the broom, Dulce's arm reached out of the coffin to grab Luis as she roared, "I vant to suck your blood !!"  Luis screamed bloody murder and exploded into a dash out of the studio for the street !  Rosalva, who was convulsed with laughter, had to chase him outside to calm Luis down and explain what had happened. Luis eventually pulled himself back together, but I am sure he visited a place in his psyche most of us would rather not experience.

posted 10-31-99

The 1999 SSQQ Halloween Party

The Halloween Party this year was just fabulous. I would guess we had 200 people in attendance, but that number could be even higher. As usual the costumes were just fabulous. Just as everyone reports on the dresses at the Oscars, I think we should comment on the costumes.

Talk of the night centered around Karl Rorabacher who came in drag. Now men dressing as women at Halloween are fairly common place. For example, John Anderson always comes dressed as a woman despite his mustache, hairy-legs, and a walk that resembles Popeye the Sailor Man. What set Karl apart from the rest is that Karl was possibly the most beautiful woman at the entire party... and there were many beautiful women at this party. Karl was so pretty I think RuPaul would have been envious. Everyone who saw him just shook their heads in awe. I certainly did !

Steve came as a Satyr. He had whip scars all over his back. He described himself as a "Satyr Masochist".  Steve looked incredible. Taught about a hairy guy !

Another couple who caught my eye came as Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf in pajamas. Great outfit !

Daryl Armstrong was resplendent as Austin Powers with his lovely wife Joanne as escort.

There was a stunning Anthony and Cleopatra. I mean, they looked good !

Andy and a lovely young lady wore beautiful matching Renaissance outfits. For that matter, there were so many Renaissance outfits it looked like the entire cast from the Renaissance Festival had decided to hit the SSQQ Halloween Party.

Jack the Ripper was frighteningly authentic. I liked the tall lady, I think her name is Barbara Herndon, who came as the Witch Doctor, spear and all. I was told her costume took about three hours to assemble (and weeks beforehand!) and about two hours after to wash off all the makeup!

There was a Latin "Carmen Miranda" couple who looked fabulous. There was a couple as a Sheik and face-covered woman in traditional royal Arab attire that was wonderful.

There were many body parts on display. Anita Williams had a butt so big it appeared on the satellite feed as the eye in the sky passed over Houston. Sharon Crawford (Dolly Parton) and Marla Jennings had breasts that they happily displayed to anyone curious enough to ask. There was a guy dancing with a plastic butt attached to his jeans. Everyone says, "I don't have a costume !!"   Well, next year buy a body part. Or get a hockey mask. Really. Stop the whining. It takes 15 minutes at Target or Southern Importers to buy something. You don't have be the best. Most of the fun is just participating.

There was a lady with a Hoop dress the size of your average kitchen. There was a Mermaid with a dress made of turquoise sequins. Theresa, Daryl's sister, was gorgeous with her pink hair as a girl with a dubious reputation.

Rocky was a Mexican Superstition that goes around and eats goats. His outfit had a sequined mask and cape with red tights and knee pads for muscles that would make Conan envious. His sidekick Laura came along simply to explain the concept of Rocky's outfit which I thought was a hoot. Now we can have one person in costume who doesn't say anything and another person as a spokesperson. Very creative.

Ben and Diane Liles came as Bride and Groom. Ben had a ball and chain. He has clearly grasped the concept of his lifestyle change quickly. Marty and Kim came as the Dance Teacher and Dance Student from Hell. Marty had some interesting dance suggestions on his shirt and Kim's shirt said, "that's not the way Ben explained it."  Marty had thumbs he was forced to sever because his students had trouble with the concept "no thumbs". I like that !  Keeping with the dance theme, Linda and Rad Decker came as dance police to issue citations for fast dancing, slow dancing, and reckless dancing. Too bad they weren't around the put the man in jail who decided to dance in roller blades.

Pat Steerman was dressed as a Ghoul. He took a few turns in the Haunted House. He was so well attired that he looked like a lifeless decoration... until he suddenly sprang to life !!  There are still M&Ms all over the Haunted House floor from the poor M&M girl who tossed her entire bag of candy into the air out of fear when Patrick reached for her !!

Other SSQQ staffers in attendance were Timm and Linda in combat fatigues, Joanne Spuck as Catwoman, Julie Downey in black with Sunglasses... she said she was movie character. I am sure she will explain it to me next week. Dennis Taupo I think was a monk, Maureen was a gypsy, Rachel as Elvis, Shannon Iles as a smooth operator (ER type), Ann Bush as Renaissance???(I forget, but she was pretty !), Paula Blaisdale as a biker chick, plus Rodrigo Aranda and his wife Nelly as matching monks. Andrew Gordon, the handsome gentleman who took all the pictures, looked terrific as a Sultan (nice turban !) along with his beautiful wife Donyce as a Belly Dancer.

Listen, I cannot do justice to all the fabulous costumes. I have decided to hire a fashion writer for next year's party to carefully take notes and names. Rocky of course will have his interpreter to explain his outfit and probably the rest of you might do the same.

Judy and I worked mighty hard on the Haunted House. It was a labor of love which turned out pretty well. Contributing huge efforts were Anita Williams, Tom Flaherty, and Aliene Rickard. I think the Haunted House will be even better next year !  I was walking through the Haunted House when I noticed a really cool monster that I hadn't see before. I stopped to admire it, thinking I needed to compliment Judy on her new monster when suddenly the damn thing grabbed me !!  It turned out to be Patrick. So just like Luis, the M&M girl, and the poor lady at Southern Importers, yes, I bought it too... I screamed !

Wonderful party. I love Halloween.

posted 11-07-99

Ben and Diane Get Married !

On Saturday afternoon, October 23, Ben Liles and Diane Beasley became Mr and Mrs. Ben Liles III. The crowd went wild !!  As bachelors go, Ben took much longer to relinquish his freedom than most. My guess is his long wait paid off since everyone considers Diane to be smart, slender, beautiful, and as sweet as any person we all know.

A large SSQQ contingent was in attendance. The list is too long to begin. Basically nearly the entire SSQQ Staff was there along with Ben and Diane's family and SSQQ friends as well.

The service, which was held at Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church, was short and pleasant. Only when the minister pointed to the lovely stained glass picture of a tree and announced that this tree told a long story did I have any problems. I kept listening to this amazing long story while simultaneously staring at this simple tree trying to see even a hint of the minister's story. Sometimes I wish I had a better imagination.

My daughter Sam sat with me to avoid the possible Titanic-style flooding of her mother's tears. I too kept a respectful distance with a flotation device handy if necessary.

Another moment of suspense occurred after the ceremony when out in the hallway over a dozen SSQQ faithful played an inspired game called "Name Diane's Daughter". Just for the record, "Diane's Daughter" was her mother's Maid of Honor. I thought this young lady was as beautiful as any woman I have seen in recent memory, especially with that smile of happiness written all over her face out of love for her mother. I made the mistake of asking someone if they knew her name. Big mistake !  Clarice. Charise. Clarissa. Sherice. Everyone in the crowd took a stab at misnaming Diane's daughter. Finally using the method of successive approximations, we made a group decision to call her "Carice" with a hard "K". "Car - eece".  And of course I haven't a clue how to spell it.  Do I have any career as a social writer ?

I drew a couple of laughs from the group. Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church is where I play basketball every Saturday morning. Unfortunately the gym wasn't available in the morning, so we rescheduled our game to 2 pm. Ben's wedding was at 1:30. At 1:55, I walked out to my car, took off my shoes, coat, and tie, slipped off my pants (discretely off course), got my gym bag out of the trunk, and walked back through the hall in my gym clothes to the astonishment of the crowd still assembled arguing about Carice's name.

Diane was absolutely radiant and so was Ben. He looked very composed considering he took so long to finally take this step. Goodness. I am very happy for both of them !!

posted on 11-07-99

Karl Rorabacher, an excellent Swing dancer, sends in this item :

Back in September Tessa Vaughn, and I and a couple of friends went to see the NecroTonz perform at Lucky’s Lounge. (If you think the idea of Gothic Swing is really weird, go listen to the words of "Mack the Knife" again.) During the break between sets, the lead singer of the band came over and told us she was really impressed with our dancing. She asked if we’d be willing to join them in Waco on October 28 when they were being filmed by Texas Music Cafe <www.texasmusiccafe.com> for broadcast on PBS.

Tessa and I decided that the idea of an all expenses paid trip to Waco was just too good to turn down, so we packed up our finest Gothic outfits (a Gothic outfit is any all-black outfit that you normally would not wear in public) and headed out to Waco on October 28.

The NecroTonz had been wanting about 5 couples there to dance with them, but we were the only ones who were available in the middle of the week. (Apparently all the others had been to Waco before and decided to find anything else that would keep them too busy to be there.) This turned out to be a blessing, since the stage only had room for one couple to dance amid the band and the numerous wires, monitors, and other stage props.

The Texas Music Cafe personnel were very enthusiastic about having us there, even after seeing us dance. We performed a 40 minute set with the NecroTonz, taking a couple breaks to rest and cool down in the middle.

Texas Music Cafe is a regular program on PBS (11:30 p.m. - midnight on Saturdays) that features local Texas bands performing original music. The new season will begin in February. The segments we are involved in will probably air in one or more shows during March.

I’ll keep you updated as we get more information on when those segments will air.

Editor's Note : Oh to be young again...

posted 11-07-99

The Longhorn Jackass

This Story was originally published back in June, 1999. It was sent in by an SSQQ student via email.

As you know, Tuesday at the Longhorn is "SSQQ" night. Well, last night seemed like a typical night. Many of us were there, dancing and having a good time. Then came the whip music. Normally that’s no big deal. There’s always a little two-step, a little polka, a little waltz, a little swing, and then a whip set. That’s when I always sit down to take a breather, since I have had absolutely no whip lessons. None. So I was just sitting, enjoying the rest, when a guy came up and asked me to dance. "No, thank you," I replied, "I don’t know how to whip." To which came many "Aw, come ons," and "It’s really easy". All the time I continued to say "No, thank you." He then said, "Well why don’t you just let me show you a few steps." So taking him at his word (what an idiot), I walked to the dance floor. BIG MISTAKE! First of all, those whip sets are long, and secondly, he proceeded to throw me around like a sack of potatoes. I mean, he jerked me up, down, over, and under, and I lost count of how many times my feet came up off the ground! I realize that I’m no spring chicken anymore, but he would have destroyed the joints of a 20-year old with these moves! Not to mention all the nasty, sleazy moves he tried. Every time I would try to pull away from him or tell him to stop he would just laugh and not let go of my arm. When that song was over I just stormed over to my chair and the jackass had the nerve to tell me to save him a two-step. If I’d had my wits about me, I would have ground my boot into his instep!

A fellow from ssqq told me he has seen that guy before at other places and he does the same thing to other women.

Well, all I can say is I felt like whip got it’s name from "whiplash"! I couldn’t even turn my head last night it was so sore. And that’s coming from a woman who went through childbirth 3 times with no drugs - and one of those was a 37- hour labor.! So I am no wuss. (I’m not really sure how to spell that, but I’m still not one!) He just really ran me through through the mill.

Now you know why I just had to thank SSQQ. It is an incredible place for many reasons. But it’s the respect for other people that’s taught along with dancing that, and I think I can speak for many women, that is really appreciated.

The Longhorn Jackass Revisited

Recently I received this email from another SSQQ student who had read the original story printed above.

One Thursday evening we were at City Streets dancing. There was a guy there that usually shows up at Longhorn or wherever SSQQ dancers dance. Someone had submitted an article about him earlier this year. His usual tactics are slithering through a crowd, sizing up victims, and striking quickly. Then he drags his victims out to the dance floor and then proceeds to dance several levels above theirs.

It is a pitiful sight to see! He will do Twilight Zone Whip steps with someone who barely knows Two-Step. He never does the footwork of a dance, just the arm work. His footwork is a simple Step-Step-Step-Step, so he can drape himself around the girl, and touch as much of her as possible.

If a woman were to say, "I’m just a beginner, could you dance at my level?" it would not be heard. He would just continue mauling and touching her.

On this particular Thursday he was slinking and slithering himself through the dance floor. It was like watching a vicious animal positioning himself on unsuspecting prey and then pouncing on them. The attack is quick and clean, but the death is slow.

He found his latest victim and dragged her to the dance floor and began his "dance of love". He had her in Sweethearts and Cuddles and all sorts of neck wraps. She was totally confused and started the hysterical laugh women use when they are overpowered. At one point I thought her arms were going to pop out of her sockets.

The dance set was a long 15-20 minute set of Whip music. The songs went on and on. Her hair was a mess and her blouse was un-tucked. How long could she endure this punishment?

Then out of nowhere a Knight-In-Shining-Armor appeared. A man walked up to him, tapped him in the shoulder and said, "May I cut in?" He took the woman away from him, pretended to dance with her, and then walked her back to her table.

The entire crowd cheered!

Yea for the Good Guys!

posted 10-18-99

Heidi and John Moynihan are proud Parents !

Ruth Ann Manison writes :"

Dear Dancers,

Just wanted to let you know that Heidi and John Moynihan are the proud parents of Camryn Grace, who was born last night (October 17) at 8:17 PM. They’re all doing fine and Heidi sounds amazingly rested considering yesterday’s activities. Camryn is 9 pounds, 7 ouches (!Freudian slip intended!) and 21 inches long. Wish them well!

Editor's Note : Heidi and John met at SSQQ and were married about this time a year ago. Congratulations !

posted 10-18-99

Another SSQQ Love Story, Chapter Ten !

Peter Hardin writes :

Hi my name is Peter Hardin, and I have taken Swing 1 through 3, Salsa, and slow dance and romance. The reason I am writing you is because a year and a month ago I took swing one. On the first night I met a girl named Kate Spence. We started dating a month later, on October first. On Friday we celebrated our one year anniversary. I just wanted to write you to thank you, and say hey, sometimes boy does meet girl!

Thank you,
Peter Hardin

Editor's Note : Keep up the good work !!

posted 10-18-99

The Blue Side of Town Joke Page

Back in September, the infamous SSQQ Blue Side of Town Joke Page disappeared from sight for about three weeks.

The Blue Side site was established originally back in May as the result of two developments. One, the jokes started getting more sexual. Two, my daughter Sam decided to log on to the SSQQ Joke Page one day. Any parent should quickly grasp the underlying reasons behind the instant birth of the secret, address-unpublished Blue Side soon after. I then sent the address to anyone who emailed me to ask for it.

Soon thereafter some very interesting jokes began to be sent in. The readers appreciated this secret forum for their jokes with an edge. In my opinion, from that point on, most of the best jokes sent in ended up on the Blue Side. Oddly, however, these jokes never did well in the voting. Why, I am not sure, but personally I have always preferred the Blue Side jokes to the Clean Side jokes by a wide margin.

In September the Blue Side came to a crashing halt when I discovered a teenager from a Catholic girls school (St Agnes) had tricked me into giving her the address to the "Blue Side". One afternoon an SSQQ adult showed her babysitter the SSQQ joke page on the adult's computer.  Of that I am certain. Whether the babysitter was or was not shown the Blue Side I do not know, but I doubt it. However I am sure while viewing the "Clean Side" the teenager clearly became aware of the Blue Side's existence, but not its address.

Unfortunately, the teenage Babysitter's curiosity was aroused. When she got home the teenager went to the SSQQ web page, got my email address there, and emailed me directly to ask for the Blue Side address. She identified herself as "a friend of...so and so", cleverly using the adult's name as the way to trick me into sending her the address. Although I did not recognize the teen's name or email address, the adult was well-known to me, so I figured this new person was on the level.

Two days later I saw the adult at the dance studio. When I asked the adult about the email, I discovered I had been tricked. At this point I was mortified. My vision was that this address could be quickly circulated with a few simple clicks of an address book and the entire student body of St Agnes and Strake Jesuit would be in possession of the heretofore secret Blue Side address. A quick review of the blue jokes in August included such gems as the Camel and the French Foreign Legion captain, Guinevere and Lancelot, and the Surrogate Baby. I groaned in despair !

I had no choice but to change the address which meant a lot of work and hassle. For the moment however I decided to simply erase the Blue Side from the SSQQ web site.

A day later things got more complicated. The adult who had originally show her babysitter the web site confronted the teenager about the trick email. The teenager had the nerve to lie to the adult that she had not used the adult's name in the first place. In other words, now I was accused of making that part up and the adult took the babysitter's side in the incident.

Fortunately, I had kept the original email. I forwarded a copy to the adult and quickly established who was telling the truth and who wasn't. Shortly thereafter I got a passionate "I am sorry; please forgive me; please don't blame (the adult)" email from the babysitter. This apology pretty much ended the incident.

Three weeks later I republished the Blue Side with a new address. However as the reader might imagine I am now far more careful who I send the address to. Burn me once, Shame on the babysitter, Burn me twice, Shame on me.

posted 10-15-99

Linda Decker Resigns (and has the nerve to take Rad with her !)

Linda Decker taught for SSQQ for over 10 years. I have often felt she was the most gifted teacher the studio ever had. Not only was she a genius at explaining patterns, but she had limitless patience and enormous warmth as well. Linda is a natural teacher.

Linda met her husband Rad at the studio. He took her Wednesday night Western class in January, 1996. I believe they were married around November, 1997. My recollection at the wedding was that Rad is one of the nicest men I have ever met and that he and Linda were pretty wonderful together. Linda and Rad's wedding remains one of my favorite weddings of all time.

However, the passage of time wears all of us out and our spirits seek new adventures. Linda has expressed a desire to spend more time with her grandchildren on the weekends. I certainly can understand her feelings.

Shane Kidwell wrote a wonderful letter about his experiences with Linda and Rad. His letter is so eloquent, I hope all of you take the chance to read it. You will also find that Rad and Linda's responses to his letter will give you a touching look into the lives of these two very special people.  

Click here to read Shane's letter about Linda and Rad Decker.

posted 10-06-99

Rodrigo Aranda Gets Married !

Rodrigo Aranda got married in Mexico City late in September. His wife's name is Nelly. Interestingly, Rodrigo had to get married twice. One weekend he got married in the Church and the next weekend he got married "legally". Or maybe it was the other way around. I am embarrassed to say this was a new one on me. I can't imagine any system that allows newlyweds one whole week to change their minds !  (just kidding, of course).

Rodrigo works for PeMex, the Mexican National oil company, here at their Houston office. His wife Nelly has since moved here to Houston. I met her once briefly after their wedding here at the studio and can attest that Nelly is very lovely and graceful.

Rodrigo was instrumental in helping me get the first Salsa Rueda off the ground in August (click here for the Story). He has since joined the SSQQ staff, although his wedding plans, his honeymoon, and various job related trips have temporarily interfered with his teaching duties. I am very happy for this special couple and I hope Nelly makes a quick adjustment to her new life here in Houston.

posted 10-06-99

SSQQ Women Raced for the Cure on Saturday, October 2

SSQQ fielded a sizable group of walkers for the Houston Komen Race for the Cure. The pace was set by 2 of our 3   "survivors", Suzy Kish and Linda Osborne, followed closely by Debbie Awad (after working a 12 hour night shift). This inspired a quicker pace from the rest of the lollygaggers (Joanne Armstrong, Lisa Cloud, Indy Godoy, RuthAnn Manison, Karen Nowiejski, Rachel Seff and Verladyne Williams).

The SSQQ ladies walked the walk and talked the talk. At the finish line, we were divided on whether to polka or 2 step, so we did a little of each. We crossed the finish line chanting, Slow Slow Quick Quick. That would have been the highlight of our walk, but Joanne decided to try a new hair treatment.

It seems an overenthusiastic spectator was flinging strawberry yogurt around with his spoon and he managed to avoid the other 9 women in our group and target Joanne. Luckily, it was pink (and not from a bird, as she originally thought), so it was in keeping with the color theme. Her friend Lisa used the free Ozarka water to wash it out. So when you see Joanne, mention how shiny her hair looks after the Yoplait/Ozarka treatment. It didn't look like we got all the Yogurt out, so don't be surprised if Joanne shows up at the Halloween Party with a unique little flip in the front of her hair. (You know how trendy she is, Monica one year, Mary the next).

(Editor's note : Cancer is everyone's worst nightmare. SSQQ alone has three beautiful women who have been struck with this dreaded disease in the absolute prime of their lives. Add in the recent tragedy of Houston Comet basketball player Kim Perrot and it is easy to see that no one is safe. However Cancer Research has improved everyone's chances of survival enormously. It makes no sense to sit back and reassure ourselves that it won't happen to us. Instead it makes tremendous sense to contribute generously to a cause as worthy as this with good old-fashioned money. We need to fight this thing together ! It isn't too late to make a donation to Debbie, Rachel, or any of the other ladies in the group above).

posted 10-06-99

Crista Ruess Wins the August SSQQ Joke Contest !

I finally completed work on the joke contest for last August. I have been in an enormous Internet slump, but lately have gotten a second wind. I will be adding many items to the Grapevine in the days to come. In the meantime, congratulations to Crista Ruess for winning the contest with the first joke she ever sent in.

Crista is my daughter Samantha's ballet teacher. Crista also teaches Adult Tap here at the studio on Tuesdays. Crista has her dance activities located in our Business Affiliates section of the SSQQ web site (click here if you are curious to see it). One day she was visiting the SSQQ web site to check to see if the information listed there was correct when she noticed the Joke Page. After laughing her head off, she decided to send in a joke which promptly won the monthly contest and beat out over 200 other jokes. Nice first effort !  If you would like to read here joke about the "Desert Island", click here.

Jill Banta and Sam DeMora won Second Place with their joke about Bill Clinton and "Judgment Day". With all the trouble Mr Clinton has been in, I imagine he will indeed need all the smooth-talking skills he is noted for when his personal visit with Saint Peter takes place.

Donna Ruth took Third Place with her humorous story of a lousy blind date.

posted 09-24-99

Something about Kathleen...

Occasionally there is a moment that is so unusual that it perhaps cannot be captured in words, but we must try anyway. The story starts on Saturday, September 18, when HBO broadcast the movie "Something About Mary" and I watched it for the first time. When I originally saw the previews, I thought this would be the worst movie in history. Well, I was wrong and I admit it. Action clips work pretty well because they are mostly visual, but humor depends too much on context to capture in "clips". The truth is, I laughed my head off !  I even went back and watched it again with Judy a day later.

So Monday night we are in dance class. I am dancing with a lovely lady named Mary. Recalling her name, I asked her if she had seen the movie "Something About Mary". She smiled and replied yes. Then after a moment I said one of the problems of having a movie named after you is if the character is terrible, the stigma of that name is attached to you for a long time. I said, "For example, the movie "Carrie" pretty much ruined that name for a generation."   And in fact that is true. I know absolutely no one named "Carrie". The only "Carrie" I know changed her name to "Kerry". Smart move.

Well, Kathleen Alexander is dancing right next to us. She has been having a tough time lately because an ear infection has ruined her balance. She doesn't like to be beaten by anything, but several times has been knocked woozy in Death Valley class from too many spins. And according to her friend Carolyn, Kathleen's hearing hasn't been too good either. So this sets the story. 

Kathleen is dancing with a guy, but trying to listen to Mary and I talk at the same time. Mary has just finished agreeing with me that she is fortunate her name was not "Carrie" when we change partners. The first thing Kathleen says to me is that is her favorite movie of all time. Mary and I exchange glances because all we have been talking about is "Carrie". Kathleen goes on and on about what a great movie that is, how she saw it several times and was fascinated. Well, Kathleen is a Kingwood School Teacher. Mary, who is also a school teacher, and I are both frowning because a movie about murdering the entire student body is no longer even a fantasy, but Kathleen insists this is the greatest movie of all time. Finally I get Kathleen to hush for a moment. I look her in the eye and say, "Are you telling us 'Carrie', where all those teachers and students get murdered, is your all-time favorite movie ?"

Kathleen starts to frown. She is confused. "Carrie ?  Who said anything about 'Carrie' ?  I thought you were talking about 'Mary' !"

So Carolyn, who is dancing right next to Kathleen, chimes in, "Rick, I told you she can't hear anything !"

Take a guess what Kathleen's new nickname is.

 posted 10-15-99

Brad Arbaugh and Verladyne Williams announce Engagement !

If you had not heard Brad Arbaugh & Verladyne Williams will be married on January 14, 2000 in Las Vegas. All are welcome to join them for the ceremony and the party. We certainly hope they tie the knot with Elvis performing the ceremony !!!!!  Congratulations !

posted 10-15-99

Karen Murray and Dave Bowman announce Engagement !

SSQQ instructor Rachel Seff writes in to report the following :

Just call me the matchmaker. Karen Murray and Dave Bowman, who took the Friday Western class series with Marla and I last Winter are engaged to be married. I haven't decided how much credit to take, but this makes two couples that have fallen to my spell. Along with David Meinert, it is getting pretty dangerous to hang around me these days !  

Congratulations, Karen and Dave !

And you single guys and gals, watch out for Rachel !

posted 10-15-99

Jeff Hieber and Cyndi Hensarling announce Engagement !

Mary Tyler Moore writes in to inform us that Jeff Hieber, a former SSQQ Western instructor who helped Mary teach, is getting married sometime early next year. The lucky lady is Cyndi Hensarling. Jeff and Cyndi met at Longhorn in Late February.

With all these engagements being announced, I can only assume some of the credit also has to go to Ruth Ann Manison and the Husband-Catching Workshop she helped organize. Nice job, RA !  (see next article)

posted 08-25-99

Speaking of Future Husbands, an Important Public Announcement

From Ruth Ann Manison :

For those of you suffering from acute anuptaphobia (the fear of staying single), here is something that could be entertaining and informative!  The title caught my eye and I figured it might be worth $10 or a fortune, depending.... There’s a seminar next Wednesday, September 1^st from 7-9PM called "The Consumer’s Guide to Husband Material". Anybody want to go? It’s $10 advance or $13 at the door. 4100 Westheimer, Suite 235 (the Spectrum Center at Mid Lane). Make your own reservation by calling 281/496-3283. Rita Justice, Ph.D. will be the presenter. Let me know if you plan to attend and we can meet for dinner before. And they say women are hard to understand....

I asked Ruth Ann about this workshop. She said she was amazed at all the emails she got from guys about it. One man said he was going to stand outside before and after the workshop to see if the women treated him any differently. Another man offered to pay Ruth Ann to take notes and to prepare him for various moves the women might try on him. He wants to have a better defense, sort of like an anti-wedding virus preparation. Ruth Ann turned him down by saying if anyone needed to get married, he did.

Ladies, although it is none of my business, when it comes to finding husbands, I would imagine just hanging around SSQQ is at least as effective as attending the workshop above. For example, you might recall these headlines from just four months of the SSQQ Grapevine :

Mario Ballesteros and Linda Chalk married in May ! (Mario and Linda met at SSQQ)
Heidi is a Mom ! (former SSQQ Staffer Heidi and her husband John Moynihan met here at SSQQ and were married last fall. As of October 17, she is a Mom!)
Ron Moore and Kathleen Wood get married ! (Ron and Kathleen met at SSQQ)
Renee Risinger and BJ Downs get Married !  (Renee and BJ met at SSQQ. They wed earlier this year. Renee recently left the staff because she is getting ready to have a baby !)
Letitia Taitte and Jordan Kossack Announce Engagement !
Sylvia and Jeff are getting Hitched  (Sylvia Key met Jeff Tucker "elsewhere", but behind his back said lessons at SSQQ are what softened him up. What do you suppose she meant ?)
Ray Jahn and Kelly Bennett get married !
David Meinert and Eileen MacPherson announce engagement ! (see below)
Bram Weisman gets Married ! 
Judy Alexander and Clark Blanco announce Engagement ! (see above)
Beth Hentges resigns due to demands of Motherhood (Beth and her husband Allen met here at SSQQ and married in 1997)
Ben Liles and Diana Beasley get married ! (10-23-99)
Kimberly Meadows and Bryon Thome get married ! (11-20-99)
Brad Arbaugh and Verladyne Williams announce Engagement !
Jeff Hieber and Cyndi Hensarling announce Engagement !
Karen Murray and Dave Bowman announce Engagement !
Letty Molina and Patrick Dougherty announce their wedding plans !
Julie Adamis and Troy Thornton announce Engagment !

 

Now guys, I know an article like this is a little frightening. If a confirmed Bachelor like Ben can make a commitment, what hope do the rest of you have ?  Especially now that the SSQQ women are going to this Catch a Husband Workshop. I imagine you single guys will be looking over both shoulders in dance class in case someone is sprinkling "husband dust" on you with your backs turned.

As you know, Dance and Romance go hand in hand. You will just have to be vigilant. It is obvious the girls have got your number. You had best watch out for those fire-breathing, husband-snatchin' wild women of SSQQ or one of those hip-wiggling dames will catch you too !  

However I do have one suggestion for anti-marital self-defense. If you see a girl in class you are attracted to, immediately go over to her and teach her how to dance the girl's part correctly. You will be safe for a long time !

posted 08-24-99

A Woman Wonders Why Men Think They Know So Much ...

A note from a lady student speaks for itself :

I love my classes at SSQQ, but I wonder if you could give me some advice about something that has bothered me for awhile. I just read your Advice article about men who want to instruct their partners. As the woman in that situation, what would you advise me to do?

I am asking because the problem seems to be growing in the more advanced classes. Ironically, the guys giving the advice are the worst dancers in class, and sometimes their instructions are just plain wrong! I don’t mind friendly suggestions from a fellow student as we learn the patterns together, and on the dance floor I can always refuse a dance. In class, however, I have to dance with these guys many times, so I don’t want to create ill will, I just want them to stop acting like boorish dance teacher wannabes. So far I have said nothing (but tried to look appropriately irritated) as I ignored the free "lessons", but as the moves get more complex, it’s getting dangerous in addition to being annoying. Do you have any advice?

The main reason men take dance lessons is to meet women. It stands to reason when a man is attracted to a woman, he wants to talk to her. Since all he knows she and he have in common is dance, that seems like a reasonable place to start the conversation. Furthermore, men like to be in control. Teaching women is a way of being in control.

That much said, Is coaching women an effective technique in getting to know them ?  Sometimes yes, most of the time no. For the most part, women bristle when men try to teach them. For one thing, it is a violation of their peer status. Now someone thinks they are so good they not only know the boy's part, they suddenly think they know the girl's part better than they do. Bad move. (unless it is a cleverly disguised anti-marital ploy !)

Guys, here is my suggestion : Ask a lady to help you learn a move. Ask them to help you practice something you just learned in class. Women have always been pretty wonderful in this regard. They respect a man who attempts to improve. I might add that conversation you were secretly after has a better chance of getting off on the right foot, not the wrong one.

posted 08-24-99

Salsa Rueda invades SSQQ, Thousands Scream in Horror as
SSQQ Salsa Dancers Narrowly escape Death by Plague !

On Saturday, August 12, Aliene Rickard, Lupe Tamayo, Samantha Sharp, Shammi Venkatachalam, Tina Parker, Nancy Breunig, Willa Wou, Albert Navarro, Chuck Kastner, Larry Cardosa, Rodrigo Aranda, Tarkan Bozkurt, and Todd K narrowly escaped with their lives as a mysterious infectious virus code-named "Salsa Rueda" attacked the studio.

A team from the Atlanta Center for Infectious Disease Control were called out to help contain the virus, but alas, they quickly succumbed too. The former CDC members were recently seen in Tuesdays' Beginning Salsa trying to develop some immunity. You can easily identify them... they are the ones feebly counting out loud, "Quick Quick Slow, Quick Quick Slow" with mind-numbing repetitiveness. To find out how you can protect yourself,  click here

 

posted 08-12-99

Houston City Whip Championships

click here

posted 08-10-99

Kathleen's Riddle !

Kathleen Alexander decided to give me a taste of my own medicine. After being tortured by the SSQQ Geography Quiz, which she won, Amanda's Brain Teaser (for which, sadly, Kathleen was forced to grovel for the answer), and now Einstein's Puzzle, which she solved, Kathleen decided it was time to fight back !  So she sent me this very interesting riddle. I might add the answer is a fair one, not a stupid one. In other words, even I understood it.

If you get the answer by figuring it out, let me know. If you already know the answer from your sordid past, use Boy Scout/ Girl Scout Honor and sit this one out. And when you get irritated and want to know the answer, you are welcome to ask for it. dance@ssqq.com  And if you want to beat Kathleen over the head with a rolled-up newspaper, just get in line !  

Based on some of the initial responses, just to save time, the answer has nothing to do with A&E's reproductive organs. Sadly, that's the first place my brain went too. 

A group of mountain climbers had been climbing one of the world’s tallest mountains for what seemed to be days, when they finally decided to set up camp. Over in the distance, one of the climbers happened to notice a mysterious looking icy mound. His curiosity getting the best of him, he decided to go over and check it out. He began to scrape the ice and snow away with his hands, and soon called his buddies in to help. When all was brushed away, the group just stood there in amazement at the two naked,  perfectly preserved human forms. "I can’t believe it," said one of the climbers, "It’s Adam and Eve !!!"  How did they know with such certainty ?

Punishment

This past week Judy Walsh sent me the following joke :

There was a family of moles that lived in a hole just outside a farmhouse. There was a Papa mole, a Mama mole and an itty-bitty Baby mole. One morning the Papa mole woke up and peeking outside said: "I smell pancakes!"

Hearing that, Mama mole scurried up the hole and squeezed in next to Papa mole, sniffed the air and said: "Mmmmmmmm, I smell maple syrup!"

This got Baby mole’s attention and he ran up the hole and tried to peek out but found his mother and father were blocking the entrance. Frowning, he said: "All I smell is molasses !"

This particular joke caught me completely off guard.  As a rule, I do not enjoy puns as jokes to read, but in this case it was well disguised, so I give this joke a lot of credit for fooling me. Some people really enjoy puns. Since I am open-minded enough to believe different strokes for different folks, I decided to publish an SSQQ page strictly for puns. If you would like to check it out, click here.  SSQQ will not accept responsibility for any subsequent feelings of anguish you might incur by visiting this site.

 

Not Everything you Read on the Internet or hear about in your Email is True !

I have heard that the Internet is riddled with lies and inaccuracies. For example, the truth is I tell all sorts of fibs in this Grapevine Column. So I lie a lot !!  Big deal. It is okay if I lie, but I hate it when someone pulls one over on me. Since I have a bad habit of saving everything, I occasionally have a chance to go back and compare notes. You might be amused to see what I have learned !  Click here

 

Einstein's Puzzle : Donna submits a Brain Teaser  !

Donna Ruth, numero quatro in the SSQQ tenure department (this means she has lots and lots of seniority) recently submitted a brain teaser that claims to have been created by none other than Albert Einstein himself. Oh sure. And it carries the caption that Albert felt that 98% of all humanity didn't have the smarts to lick this problem. Well, that's the kind of challenge that gets my blood boiling !   Anything Mental Gordian Knot that proves I am smarter than the next guy is right up my alley. Well, five hours later and about half a dead tree in paper, yes, I got the correct answer.

Humbled, but grateful I have managed to stumble into the elite 2%, I must say the logic test is a worthy one. If you too desire to see if you belong in the upper 2% of the world's brain jocks, then go for it !  Click Here for Albert Einstein's Puzzle !

Riddle of the Sphinx or Why I hate Amanda !

Amanda Keiser submits this brain teaser :

What is greater than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, rich people
need it...... and if you eat it you will die. What is it ??

(Amanda adds that 80% of a class of Stanford students got this wrong, and 80% of 4th graders got it right. I think she just added this to make me feel more stupid. It worked. I am so stupid that not only did I not have a clue what the answer was, I assumed I was as smart as a Stanford student because I got it wrong just like they did. Amanda then pointed out that just because I got it wrong doesn't mean I am as smart as a Stanford student because their wrong answers were smarter than my wrong answers. Anyhow, if you want the answer, see at the bottom of the page)

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Now I bet you were hoping the answer to Amanda's stupid brain teaser was down here. Nope. You obviously don't know how I operate !  I ain't telling you nothing until you email me with some gossip if you want the answer. No gossip, no answer, no nothing. You don't have any gossip ? Well, for crying out loud, don't let that stop you ! Just make some up ! That's how I do it...

(Pssst - Want to read some old Dirt ?  Want to find out who your boy friend was dating a year ago ?  Undoubtedly a tramp. Find out ! Just click Sour Grapes !)