Here are the Chapters in this month's Newsletter:

THE SEPTEMBER CARIBBEAN DANCE CRUISE ABOARD THE CARNIVAL CONQUEST (reprint from Feb)
CRUISE TRIP TO HAWAII IS SETTING ALL KINDS OF RECORDS  (reprint from Feb)
THE 2006 NEW ENGLAND CRUISE WRITEUP IS COMPLETE  (reprint from Feb)
THE 2006 RHAPSODY CRUISE WRITEUP IS COMPLETE: A SHOCKING NEW DEVELOPMENT!
MARCH CLASS HIGHLIGHTS
MARCH DANCE PARTIES
ADVENTURES OF A DANCE TEACHER: THE STORY OF RICK'S BEST FRIEND, BOB JOB
THE NEW LOGIC PUZZLE AND THE WINNERS FROM LAST MONTH
SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE - 8 new stories!
STORY IN THE NEWS: COURT UPHOLDS NEW YORK BAN ON DANCING IN BARS
A NIGHT OF BALLROOM DANCING AT THE CHANDELIER BALLROOM - next visit is March 24 (reprint from Feb)
PARKING PROBLEMS ON FIRST STREET  (reprint from Feb)
A BOOK REVIEW BY RICK ARCHER ON "THE RUINS", THE WORST BOOK EVER!   MUST READ.
STORY IN THE NEWS: Robber's wish to go to prison granted
STORY IN THE NEWS: CATFIGHT AT HEMINGWAY'S KEY WEST


COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH - WHY DID SSQQ RAISE THE TUITION?
COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH TWO: AN EXTENDED REFUND ARGUMENT
JOKE OF THE MONTH: Gareld McEathron's Irish Bar Joke.  JOKE PICTURE: Gareld's "The Hungry Deer"

FAVORITE STORIES FROM PREVIOUS ISSUES

01. ANNOUNCING THE 2007 SEPTEMBER SSQQ DANCE CRUISE    CONQUEST 2007

27 People as of February 25

Sunday, September 23rd thru Sunday, Sept 30th

This coming September, we will be taking our first Caribbean dance cruise aboard the beautiful Carnival Conquest. 

This is a somewhat  controversial move.  We have previously sailed on the Rhapsody four times and the ship feels like home. 

But the Rhapsody was inexplicably priced at a price $400 higher than the Conquest. 

We loved the Rhapsody, but at that price, I don't think anyone is going to question our judgment.

Although we have asked several people, no one has explained why Royal Caribbean priced the Rhapsody out of the market.  The ship will be repositioning itself to Asia this coming August.  We can only assume the high prices had something to do with the Rhapsody leaving the Texas market. Marla thinks 

So now we turn our attention to the Conquest.  This magnificent ship is much larger and much newer than the Rhapsody. 

I can think of three benefits to traveling on the Conquest right off the top of my head.

First, we finally get a chance to visit Jamaica (as well as Cayman and Cozumel).  This island is a tropical paradise.  There are some river rides and trips into the interior that promise a chance to see stunning beauty.

Second, we get to dance on stage!  Back in 2001 when we traveled with Carnival, we had the best time dancing on the same stage as the performers.  With the ship's orchestra playing a string of Big Band standards, we had a marvelous night of dancing at the Captain's Reception.  In fact, we danced so hard that there were hundreds of people sitting in the theater oohing and aahing at our moves.  In fact, many of these same people actually thought our group had been hired to put on a show! 

Third, the Conquest has an incredible water slide.  I can only wonder if Phyllis will find a way to stuff people in it.  Probably not.  If she can't get her picture taken inside the belly of a snake, why bother?

We took 136 people for our dance cruise aboard the Rhapsody in 2006.  The energy was unbelievable.  This trip promises to be just as exciting

Contact Marla Archer at 713 862-4428 or e-mail marla@ssqq.com with any further questions.

(February 25 update: Rhapsody prices are still unreasonably high.)

CONQUEST 2007

CHAPTERS

02. ANNOUNCING THE 2007 SSQQ CRUISE TO HAWAII!
HAWAII 2007    74 People as of February 25.

Saturday, May 26th to Saturday, June 2nd

When we first announced this trip in December, we had no idea that this trip would fill up faster than any cruise in our experience.  The response was simply phenomenal.  As I write, we have over 70 people going.  And here's the good news - there is plenty of room for more!

Hawaii is the Jewel of the Pacific Ocean.  It is one of the top vacation destinations in America. However, as you know, Hawaii is expensive. There is no way around that.  Still, this trip is well within reach. This is your chance to see one of the most beautiful places in the entire world for as little as $1,500 per person ($750 air fare, $750 inside cabin).

There is so much to see that you will go crazy having to pick from one exotic destination after another. Will it be a trip to explore a lush rain forest or an expedition to witness breathtaking waterfalls?  

Or will it be a chance to view orchid-scented botanical gardens or visit one of the many stunning beaches? 

Will you hike atop the lunar landscape of Hawaii’s lava fields or will you visit Waimea Canyon, the Grand Canyon of the Pacific?

These will be tough decisions, but whatever you choose, you can't miss.  This is a cruise trip you do not want to miss.

Contact Marla Archer at 713 862-4428 or e-mail marla@ssqq.com with any further questions.

HAWAII 2007

CHAPTERS

03. THE STORY OF THE 2006  NEW ENGLAND CRUISE

The SSQQ New England was both amazing and frustrating at the same time. 

On the positive side, we had our chance to see the changing leaves in the fall and some of the most beautiful scenery in the entire country.  Visits to Martha's Vineyard, Acadia National Park, and New Hampshire's White Mountains revealed breath-taking vistas. New England is truly a gorgeous place to live.

We also got a chance to see history come alive with trips to Salem Village, New Brunswick, and of course by roaming around Boston.

However some of our excitement was tempered by the inexplicable rudeness and inefficiency of a cruise staff rumored to be the worst in the Royal Caribbean fleet.  You will simply have to read the story to understand the level of the incompetence we ran into. CURSE OF THE JEWEL

Plus we had a couple who crashed our group even though we told them not to.  That was a weird event.

According to one person who commented to me, this was the most interesting cruise story yet.  The pictures alone are worth taking a look at and the story is equally good.   NEW ENGLAND CRUISE

CHAPTERS

SHOCKING NEW DEVELOPMENT:  Last month I inadvertently ruled that the new HOT TUB record of 24 was invalid.

That is when Jan Milz stepped up to report that her husband had made an incredible sacrifice to guarantee the record would be set!  I reviewed the facts and declared the record of 24 VALID thanks to the heroic efforts of Bob Milz.

YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THIS STORY!!!!!!      CLICK HERE  

04. THE PICTURES & STORY OF THE 2006 RHAPSODY CRUISE

Well, it took me a while, but my travelogue of the 2006 Rhapsody Reloaded Cruise is finally ready.   This August Cruise was an incredible trip.  It was without a doubt the most successful cruise trip we have ever taken. 

So what took me so long to put the story together?  I attribute my writer's block to 3 reasons.

First, my friend Gary Richardson put together an overwhelming CD collection of pictures.  Although I am grateful for all his hard work and the pictures were great, I felt kind of overwhelmed.  Gary's CD had over 1,300 pictures of 136 different people!  If you believe every picture is worth a thousand words, imagine how I didn't even know where to begin.

My second problem is going to sound silly, but it took me so long to format and post 650 pictures, I was so tired I didn't have much wind left.  Furthermore, since this was our fourth trip on the Rhapsody, it was difficult for me to find new things to say about the ship, the ports, the dancing, and the hot tub nonsense.  Maybe it is time to switch ships after all.

But the third reason is the real reason - I didn't have anything to talk about!  I have to tell you something - people have learned to keep their mouths shut around me.  I got the feeling all sorts of interesting things were happening all around me, but no one would talk.  I was unable to penetrate this conspiracy of silence.

It was a wonderful trip, but next time I am going to hire me an informant.  Then you will get a great trip writeup.  2006 RHAPSODY CRUISE

CHAPTERS

05. THE MARCH CLASS HIGHLIGHTS – CLASSES BEGIN MARCH 4.

Remember – if you miss the first week of class, you can always start in the second week. The Second Week Review will catch you up.  SSQQ SCHEDULE

For even more detail on many of the classes listed below, please visit  EXTRA

Special classes for MARCH include:

1. ADVANCED SWING/JITTERBUG 2 on Sundays at 4:30 pm with Jack Benard.   We have three Swing classes on Sundays, but one of three is always held at 4:30.  This month the 430 slot is Advanced.
    
2. SUPER GHOST TOWN 10 - Scott 
   In response to the request for Parallel Ghost Towns, we now will offer the same level on Sundays and Fridays. If you miss one day, you can make it up on the other. In addition Scott is likely to throw in a bonus pattern as well!
    
3. BEGINNING BALLROOM II on Sundays at 7 will cover TANGO and CHA CHA. Jack Benard will be the teacher.
    
4. INTERMEDIATE BALLROOM on Sundays at 7 will cover  FOXTROT, WALTZ, AND RUMBA. Jill Banta will be the teacher.
    
5. ADVANCED BALLROOM II will cover ADVANCED TANGO and CHA CHA patterns.  Marla Archer will be the teacher.
    
6. At 7 pm on Sundays, Dakota offers ACCELERATED BALLROOM WALTZ II.  Last month's Accelerated class had over 50 people.  For more information about this popular new program, you can read more about this at SSQQ BALLROOM PROGRAM
    

7. Quick reminder that we will no longer be teaching SLOW DANCE as a regular four-week group class.  That said, there are special occasions like the First Dance at a wedding, a fancy New Years Eve party, a romantic standard at the Captain's Reception on a cruise, or a sultry torch song at a nightclub where the ability to Slow Dance would sure come in handy.  If you are getting married or would simply like to learn to Slow Dance, Marla Archer can teach you SLOW DANCE, WALTZ, or FOXTROT in a private lesson.  Contact her at marla@ssqq.com   
   
   Marla teaches an average of 5 private lessons a week to couples who need to learn how to Slow Dance, Foxtrot, or Waltz at their Wedding Reception. If you know someone who needs to prepare for this important moment, read Marla’s story about her Wedding Dance experiences, please visit:  WEDDING LESSONS 
    
8. Bryan and Lisa’s MARTIAN WHIP has moved to Mondays.  This turned out to be a very popular move as the class has grown to 40 people.  Not only do they love the class, Monday Night Whip Practice became a serious rocking event.  If you are an advanced Whip and West Coast Swing dancer, this is the place to be on Mondays!  By the way, Bryan recently finished in the Top 12 of the National West Coast Swing Championships.  In other words, Bryan is now one of the top 12 male dancers in the country.  Quite an accomplishment!
    
9. Tuesday Salsa is phenomenal.  Each Tuesday, there is a Beginning, Intermediate, and Advanced Salsa class that average 80 to 100 people in each class.  In particular, Steve & Danielle conduct their elite Advanced Salsa class each Tuesday.  The Tuesday Salsa Practice Night hosted by Linda Cook is smokin’. 
    
10. Scott Ladell teaches INTERMEDIATE NIGHTCLUB on Wednesdays.
    
    Danced to slow, romantic western songs, Night Club is an unusual dance that is best described as an "active" form of Slow Dancing.  Combining a special blend of Ballroom patterns taken from Rumba, Bolero, Foxtrot, and Waltz, Night club is a pretty dance to watch and fun to use. Nor is it difficult to learn.
    
    A unique feature of Night Club is that it is danced apart. This allows people without romantic partners to dance to Slow Music in a very stylish manner. You would be surprised at the number of songs that would normally be considered "Slow Music" that suddenly become exciting to dance to once you master this unique dance.
    
    In recent years, Night Club has become a fixture on the Country-Western competition dance circuit. It works perfectly to Western ballads such as "Breathe" by Faith Hill.
     
11. Linda teaches GHOST TOWN 2 in February. Call it “Ghost Town Lite” or “Training Wheels Ghost Town” since this class is only slightly harder than our Advanced Western Swing classes.
     
12. Martian Technique continues on Thursdays in February with Dakota. Martian Technique is an advanced program for the graduates of our Basic Beginner thru Lunar program.  It moves faster than Lunar Whip, but nowhere near as fast as Martian Whip.  In other words, this class helps people bridge the gap between our Basic West Coast Swing Program and the highly acclerated Martian Whip.  Technique is a place where the classes are small and we can concentrate on polishing your skills while adding new material.  This month Dakota teaches his WEST COAST SWING SYNCOPATIONS AND TIMING class on Thursdays!
     
13. Rick and Cher will teach INTERMEDIATE WESTERN WALTZ on Friday. Western Waltz is considered the "Romantic" Western dance. The stakes being what they are, no sensible man should ignore this important dance!  The moves are quite graceful and the music is very pretty.
     
14. At the request of many Salsa students, Bjorn and Rebeca Bangstein have moved their Saturday Salsa Explosion on Saturdays to 2:00 pm. This has turned out to be a great move.  Not only did they have 40 students in their class, they all had plenty of room to dance!  This move allowed students to take both the Explosion class and the 4:30 Advanced Salsa class back to back.
     
15. Rhythm and Blues Twostep is taught on Saturdays at 4:30 pm by Willie Bushnell and Willie Green.  Also known as "Swingout", Rhythm and Blues Twostep is a popular dance used in African-American nightclubs. Taught by Willie Bushnell, R&B Twosteppin' is a partner dance similar to Zydeco. The man and woman first dance in closed position, then the man "swings her out".
    ………………………

06. TWO PARTIES IN MARCH

LUCK OF THE IRISH SWING AND ballroom dance party!

Saturday, March 17
9:15 pm - 11:30 pm,  $7 person

Swing mixed with Ballroom Music in Room One
All Swing music in Room 4.
(Wear some Green or Skip the Scene!)

CRASH COURSES (7 - 9 PM)

SWING CHARLESTON - Maureen
IRISH WALTZ PTNS! - Dakota
INT FOXTROT - Rick Jack Marla
SWING ACROBATICS - Paul (cpls only)
STEVE'S FAVORITE SWING PTNS - Mr. Gabino
BEG HUSTLE - Scott
...................

RED AND BLACK WESTERN DANCE PARTY !!

Saturday, March 31
9:00 PM - 111:30 pm   $7 PERSON

BEG C&W: TEXAS TWOSTEP - Loni
INT TWOSTEP CIRCLE TURNS - Linda
AGGIE JITTERBUG - Rachel
BEG SYNCHRONIZED POLKA - Linda
ADV SYNCHRONIZED POLKA - Rick/Jack/Marla
ADV HUSTLE - Scott
..........................

07. ADVENTURES OF A DANCE TEACHER: 
THE STORY OF BOB JOB

Once upon a time, my best friend in the world was Bob Job.  We got into all kinds of trouble together and had lots of fun.  If his name is familiar, that might be for two reasons.  Bob helped me master the Western Swing when the dance first appeared in the universe back in 1980.

Bob is also well-known as the Mad Chemist responsible for the wildest SSQQ Halloween Party in history, the infamous Halloween Party from Hell. 

I lost track of Bob and his pretty wife Louise many years ago, but recently Bob emailed me and brought me up to speed.   The story of Bob Job is fascinating and I am sure you will enjoy the pictures of his house on top of a mountain!

08. THE SSQQ NEW LOGIC PUZZLE:  THE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

Crystal High School is the only high school in Greenville, Tennessee.

On the eve of the recent tenth reunion of a Crystal High School class to be held on the school premises, the Fentons hosted a patio party for four other couples who were also attending the event, including the Browns.

To their surprise, the Fentons learned each person who came to the party had the same occupation as someone else.

In addition each also shared a hobby with someone else, although no husband and wife shared either occupation or hobby.

From the clues below, can you find each person's full name (one man is Ben and one woman is Darla) and determine their occupations and hobbies? (Among the group are two dentists, two amateur chefs, and two amateur golfers.)

THE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

 

PS - This one is a BEAST.

RESULTS FROM february

1. Anita Leung
2. Julie Amazing
3. Norman Nolasco
4. Eric Avera
5. Randy Piniola
6. Susan Arevalo
7. Ann Faget
8. Dave Baxter
9. Ritesh Laud
10. Daniel Leinhos
11. Ed Beideman
12. Julie Arthur
13. Al Bahler
14. Mara Rivas
15. Jennifer Wise

09. 2006 slow dance and romance  PLUS 2007 SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE

Lots of people have been emailing me to ask why their story wasn't included in my famous Matchmaker article.  As a result, I added the stories of six different couples to my Matchmaker Saga.  Please be sure to check up on these neat stories about our friends from yesteryear!

Okay, I took a terrible picture of Jay.  I promise to take another one the first chance I get.  Jay Schmieder and Elsa Aldrich are a 2002 SSQQ couple who flew under the radar.  I had no idea they had met and married until Elsa emailed me the good news last year. This year they are taking classes again.  Elsa happened to see me and introduced Jay and herself to me.  And look how they get rewarded - I took a terrible snapshot.  Please give me another chance!
One night in my Friday Western Waltz here in February, Jim McMahon and Lawren Kelly came up to to announce their engagment!  I am betting they waltz at their wedding.... Congratulations! (Uh, Joy, if you are out there, study their picture.  This is how it done!)
And now for an interesting story.  Stan Bailey and Joy Todd either got engaged somewhere around Christmas time and immediately left town.  They won't send me a picture, I don't have an accurate story, and I don't even have any bodies because they skipped town! Joy was a buddy of mine.  She was a vivacious, outgoing, mischievous character who claimed she wouldn't be hanging around Houston for long.  She was a contract nurse who moved around the country from job to job.  Her contract would be up soon.  She said she preferred this gypsy lifestyle because she had lost a wonderful husband to illness and did not want to settle down.  By moving around from job to job, she had an excuse not to get attached.  That was her choice.  So imagine my confusion when one day Joy's friends Lawren and Jan announced that Joy was married or engaged to Stan, one of the guys in her western dance class.  I didn't even know she had a boyfriend!   Apparently the two of them left town to move to Arizona.  Talk about a 180 turn!   EDITOR'S NOTE: WE PUBLISHED THIS IN FEBRUARY, BUT JOY DIDN'T COOPERATE.
Bob Job was my best friend twenty years ago.  Then he and his beautiful wife Louise (Campodonico) were transferred to Holland. I lost track of them, but recently Bob sent me an email to report on his whereabouts - he and Louise live on top of a mountain in Colorado! Bob sent some beautiful pictures. Bob is famous in SSQQ lore for two reasons.  First, he helped me develop my Western Swing program back in 1981.  Second, Bob was the architect of the infamous Halloween Party from Hell back in 1981. He was always getting me into trouble, by the way. Read about Bob and Louise in two places: Matchmaker   and scroll down. The Story of Bob Job
Chuck Gray was one of my best friends back in the early Eighties.  Did you know he met his wife Laurie here at SSQQ?  I think it was around 1984, but I am not sure. Chuck went on to become one of Houston's best known therapists.  In fact, Chuck was instrumental in helping a person who is VERY CLOSE to me get her head back on straight. It is a very interesting story indeed. Read Matchmaker  and scroll down.
Scott Lee and Judy Horton were a big part of the SSQQ fun in the mid-Eighties.  Since then they have had two great boys and moved over to Virginia.  That doesn't keep Judy from hoping to say hi to her friends from yesteryear and let them know she is doing great. Matchmaker and scroll down.
John Sarabia and Danee Usher were a big part of the SSQQ Studebaker Gang in the late Eighties. Last year when I wrote a story about SSQQ marriages in my Matchmaker article, I left them out. That's pretty stupid of me, especially after John sent me a wedding picture proving I came to their wedding in 1989!!  Yup, that's me in the background. Pretty embarrassing! This time I got it right.  I added their story.  I should have put in the Eighties, but you know what?  I put it in the Nineties where it fit better. 1989?  hmm. close enough. Click Matchmaker Nineties
There is a good story behind this wonderful picture of Gayle and Steve Luber and their daughter Lindsey. Gayle is in the SSQQ Halloween Hall of Fame for tossing M&Ms up in the air when a goblin tried to grab her in the SSQQ Haunted House. I ate every one of those M&Ms the next day. Not only is it a very cute story, it makes this picture with Steve and Gayle even more smile-provoking!  Visit two stories: Tales of the SSQQ Halloween Party Matchmaker Millenium Madness
Oh my goodness... Stuart and Diane Raef got married right under my nose back in 1998.  The whole world knew about it and no one told me. Well, I finally got the story straight thanks to some help from Dianne. Read the story!  Very cute. Matchmaker Nineties

10. STORY IN THE NEWS: COURT UPHOLDS NEW YORK BAN ON DANCING IN BARS



Court upholds N.Y. ban on dancing in bars
POSTED: 10:32 a.m. EST, February 23, 2007

NEW YORK (AP) -- Come and meet those dancing feet, up on 42nd Street -- but only in nightspots with special licenses.

The city's 80-year-old cabaret law banning dancing by patrons in ordinary bars and restaurants is legal, the state Supreme Court's Appellate Division ruled Thursday.

The Gotham West Coast Swing Club and several people had sued, saying the law violated their constitutional right to free expression.

But the appeals court backed the law, which was enacted in the Prohibition era to crack down on speakeasies.

"Recreational dancing is not a form of expression protected by the federal or state constitutions," the court wrote.

City lawyer Norman Corenthal welcomed the court's decision, saying it upheld the city's right to enforce laws that protect residential areas from noise, congestion and safety hazards.

The plaintiffs claimed that in the 1960s, about 1,000 places legally allowed patrons to dance, but fewer than 300 such places exist now. They also had challenged the city's application of zoning laws, arguing it was arbitrary and capricious.

Norman Siegel, a lawyer for the plaintiffs, said he was considering an appeal.

12. PARKING PROBLEMS ON FIRST STREET

On Wednesday night, January 31, 2007, the car of an SSQQ student named Maggi Dodds was towed from First Street by order of the Bellaire Police.

Adding insult to injury, Ms. Dodds was also ticketed for parking in a NO PARKING ANYTIME zone.

I did not witness Ms. Dodd's car being towed. Nor did I find out about this event until the next day. I believe Ms. Dodds car was gone before we even knew what was going on.

However at 9:15 that evening I did intervene in the towing of a second vehicle. In addition I engaged a Bellaire policeman in a lengthy conversation.

We saved the second vehicle from being towed, but the incident shook up everyone who witnessed the event. When the other people heard about it from me or the other witnesses, they too were shaken up.

Naturally this incident provoked a great deal of anger. The towing incident seemed so unnecessary that people questioned the judgment of the Bellaire Police Department and the City Government.

(The rest of this article contains maps, pictures, and several stories. If you are an SSQQ student, this is MUST READ because at issue is the safety of your vehicle. First Street Parking Problems

13. A BOOK REVIEW BY RICK ARCHER ON "THE RUINS" Before you read this story, you need to understand that Rick's opinion and that of the experts diverges radically. If you continue to delve further, you will learn that this book threatened to rob Rick Archer of his sanity. He began to doubt himself.  He began to wonder if the suggestions that he was stupid were really true.  How could Rick be so wrong and everyone else be so right? It was like the Ghost of Robert Ludlum had descended upon Rick to explain once and for all that he was out of his mind.  "Psst, Rick, you don't have a clue what you are talking about!  You are a moron."
Here are six opinions.  One is written by the leading horror novelist of all time.  Four other opinions are written by leading Book Critics.   The final opinion is written by yours truly, Rick Archer, aka the moron.
"A fast-paced suspense novel that grabs you and refuses to let go. . . Smith's characterization and timing - the ability to deliver one quick blow after another -makes the book so freakishly fun. . . . The story turns grotesque, but Smith's command of his characters and their demons is masterful. . . . The Ruins is chilling, an icy dissection of human nature in a hot, horrifying place." -John Caniglia, The Cleveland Plain Dealer	"Don't start this book if you're especially weak of stomach or nerves, and above all don't pick it up if you're not willing to tolerate some deviation from the usual conventions of thrillers and horror stories. . . . The escalating nightmare of the group's fate evolves inexorably from their personalities, in a way reminiscent of Greek tragedy... Scott Smith shows us an aspect of ourselves and of human nature we'd rather not acknowledge." -Laura Miller, Salon
"The action is swift and the suspense is positively unflinching . . . Smith's nail-biting tension is a pleasure all its own and what fans of the genre expect.  No let up and no let down- this stuff isn't for the faint of heart." -Peter Pavia, New York Post	"It's Thomas Harris (Silence of the Lambs) meets Poe in a decidedly timely story: Smith has tapped into our anxieties about global warming, lethal weather, super germs -our collective fear that nature is finally battling back- and given us a decidedly organic nightmare.   Grade: A-! -Gillian Flynn, Entertainment Weekly
"The book of the summer.  The Ruins does for Mexican vacations what Jaws did for New England beaches." -Stephen King	"This is the Worst Book I have ever read.  It is a true Horror Book, but only in the sense that it is Horrible.  The Ruins will lead you to your Ruin. If you see it on the bookshelf, don't touch it.  Run for your life. And don't look back.  Leave the bookstore as fast as you can.  Get in your car and drive away while you still can... " Rick Archer.   You have been warned.
Okay, you have read the opinions of six people.  Who are you going to believe?

Rick Archer's Book Review on The Ruins Back in the Nineties, Scott Smith wrote a fascinating book called A Simple Plan. The plot revolved around greed, a sort of modern Treasure of Sierra Madre.  It was such a good book that it was made into a movie with Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton. The movie was just as good as the book. So imagine my excitement when Scott Smith came out with his next book twelve years later. Yes, that's right, 12 years later. Most writers can't wait to take advantage of the momentum generated by a hit book like A Simple Plan, but Mr. Smith did it his way. Based on the brilliance of the first book, I bought The Ruins without giving it a second thought.

The first thing I noticed about The Ruins was that it was long. A Simple Plan had been short and left me begging for more.  But this book made War and Peace seem like a novelette. Someone had been doing a lot of writing. Maybe that's why there was twelve years between books.

The story started off slowly. It revolved around four recent college graduates who were exploring Mexico. A German guy they met asked them for help - his brother had turned up missing. The brother had followed some girl he met to an archeological dig.  Fortunately the brother had left a map. So the Group decided to visit the Mexican jungle in search of the missing man.

Once they got to the brother's last known location, some local Indians suddenly trapped the Group in a valley.  From here, the rest of the book explained how the Group was systematically devoured by a vine.

But this vine wasn't just your ordinary man-eating plant. This vine could also talk. In fact, the vine was something of a troublemaker. The vine would overhear conversation supposedly said in confidence.  The vine figured out that if the members of the group started to fight amongst each other, their will would be snapped and they would put up less resistance.

So the vine became a floral version of Joan Rivers. It enjoyed listening in on every conversation hoping to get some more dirt.  You almost thought it wanted to be a Grapevine, not a man-eating vine.

Now the vine would mimic parts of the conversation to another member of the Group in an attempt to cause discord.  Amazingly, the vine was so smart it knew exactly which part of the conversation would hurt the worst.

Well, the vine's clever strategy worked!  Everyone began to bicker.

Here's an example of how it all worked.

One day Stacy and Eric decided to drown their misery in some Tequila they brought along for the trip.  Because the German guy had got them into this mess, they were kind of mad at him.  So once they got drunk, they started calling Heinrich "Herr Hitler" and "The Teutonic Plague", stuff like that. The vine loved it!

So the vine… which is everywhere… relayed this information to Tendril 2 sitting next to the German.  Tendril 2 repeated word for word what Stacy and Eric had said.  Now the German got his feelings hurt and started to swear in German. Tendril 2 relayed the German cuss words back to Tendril 1.  Now Tendril 1 began to swear to Stacy and Eric in German. I mean, this vine is so smart it even understands German!  That's impressive, yes? 

Listening to the German profanity, Stacy and Eric realized the vine had told Heinrich everything they said. Oh no!  How would they ever explain to him they didn't really mean what they said?  Now everyone was depressed and the Vine was practically rubbing its tendrils together with glee.

THE FATEFUL MORNING Did I mention I listened to this book on audio CD? Listening to books on tape helps me avoid my feelings of impatience at all the delays caused by construction. One morning my daughter Sam got in the car so I could take her to school. By chance, the German swearing episode was playing on my car's radio.  "Gott in Himmel!  Geseicht!  Das ist Schrecklich!  Himmeldonnerwetter!  Ich bin Zornig!" Sam's eyes bulged. "Hey, Dad, what are you listening to?" I quietly explained it to her. "You are listening to a book about a vine that spreads gossip and swears in German so that it can eat people once they are too depressed to fight back?" I quietly nodded that was essentially correct. "What else has happened so far?" "Well, one guy got a cut on his knee and the vine snuck in and lives in his body now. He periodically tries to cut it out only to find there are other vines growing in him. "You're kidding. That's pretty morbid.  What else is going on?"

"One day the vine imitated a cell phone ringing at the bottom of the well.  When the Group tried to descend to see who was calling them in the middle of the jungle, the vine used its acid to sabotage the rope and it snapped in two.  A guy fell down the well and broke his back.  He was paralyzed.  One night when the Group was sleeping, the vine ate all the flesh off his legs. But it didn't bother him any because he couldn't feel a thing."

"Yuck. That's gross!  Hmm. That vine sure is clever. The vine has all sorts of tricks.  Why don't they just leave?"

"There is only one guy who ever bothers to try to escape. The other five just sit there feeling sorry for themselves because their feelings keep getting hurt by the vine's mean tricks.  One day when the guy tried to sneak past the Indians, the vine pretended to be a bunch of birds and used bird calls to alert the Indians. The guy kept wondering where all the birds came from and why he couldn't see them."

"So the Indians protect the vine, right?"

I nodded.

"Does the book explain why the Indians are buddies with the vine?"

"No."

"Does the book explain where the vine came from?"

"No."

There was silence for a while.  We were getting closer to her school.  Then my daughter started asking more questions.

"C'mon, Dad, what else?"

I frowned.  "There was a chapter that dealt with distilling their own urine since they didn't bring enough water."

"Yuck."  Then she stared at me and caught me grinning.

"Okay, Dad, spill the beans. I know there is something you aren't telling me.

I hate daughters that can read my mind. "Well, one night a couple of them tried to have sex, but the vine kept getting in the way."

Sam stared at me. "You're making this up, right?"

I said nothing.

"What's the name of this book?"

"The Ruins."

"What part do the ruins play in the story?"

"There haven't been any ruins."

At this point, my daughter began to laugh. "You realize I am an officer in the Upper School Book Club, right?  Maybe we might want to read this book."

I said nothing.  I was worried about where this was going.

"So let me get this straight. If I have heard you correctly, The Ruins is a book with no ruins and Indians that are friends to the vine.  The central character is a vine that cusses in German, likes to hurt people's feelings, pretends to be a cell phone, likes to inhabit bodies, does bird calls, sucks flesh off paralyzed people, and interferes with their sex lives.  Did I miss anything?"

"Uh no, that's about it."

"What kind of reviews did the book get?"

"Incredibly good reviews. Look for yourself at the book cover. Stephen King called it best suspense novel since Jaws."

Sam inspected the book cover and read the reviews. "Hmm. Sounds interesting.  You have told me the goofy stuff, but is there any suspense?"

"There is no suspense.  The guy tries to write horror, but it is too ridiculous to take seriously. It is the most boring book I have ever listened to.  All I can think is 'when will this book ever end?'"

"Why do you keep listening?"

"I am hoping there is a good ending. I mean, how could it get reviews like that and not pick up the pace?  I keep waiting for the good part."   I thought about her question some more.  "No, that's not the only reason.  I keep listening because I am trying to figure out how the author of such a great book can turn around and write the worst book I have ever come across."

At that point, the vine started cussing in German again. It was so ridiculous that I started to shake my head in exasperation. Seeing my frustration, my daughter began to laugh.  The more the vine started to cuss, the worse it got.  In fact, Sam began to laugh so hard her sides hurt.  Then she started to cough and turn purple for lack of oxygen.  She couldn't even breathe she was laughing so hard!  Finally I had to turn off the book to help her regain control.

I dropped Sam off at school and headed home.  In my rear view mirror, I could see she was still giggling.

Needless to say, her mirth ruined my morning. No one likes to be laughed at. As I got up on the freeway, I made a decision.  From now on I would listen to one minute of each chapter. If nothing interesting developed in one minute, I would skip to the next chapter. Using this technique I shortened the next three hours of listening time down to about 30 minutes. I finished the book that night on my way home from the studio.

ENDING ALERT - SKIP PAST THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU WANT TO READ THE BOOK.

This book totally demoralized me. I was humiliated that I was stupid enough to hang around all the way to the end.  Someone with self-esteem would have chucked the book long ago.

In fact, I was so angry at the ending and so traumatized by the utter stupidity of this book that I was unable to listen to another book for three weeks. I was actually AFRAID to put another book in my car's CD player!  What if the next book was as bad as this?

Every day I just sat there in traffic mumbling to myself about The Ruins.  I looked at the half-dozen unread audio books sitting on my back seat.  But when I went to open one, I trembled for fear of getting burned again so I put it back. 

Finally, in desperation, I started listening to sports talk shows on the radio… That only worked for a couple days. Soon the pain of listening to the constant stream of commercials got too much to bear.  That's when I finally decided to risk again.  I popped in a book called Wildfire written by Nelson DeMille. I knew he was the closest author to a SURE THING I knew. 

Sure enough, I soon found myself riveted by his compelling plot. I was almost in tears with gratitude as the work of this master writer soothed my wounds.  I would live to read (or listen) to a another book again.

After I finished listening to Wildfire, I began to feel better.  Reading/Listening to Books wasn't so bad after all.  Now I allowed myself to think about The Ruins again.  There was something bothering me.  Why did this book get such good reviews?

What did other people think about The Ruins?  So one day I decided to indulge my curiosity.  I went to the Internet to find reviews on The Ruins.

Read for yourself.

 

  Stephen King, The Washington Post, The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune...

I assume you read the list above.  Those are some of the biggest names in Book Reviews.  I did not make those reviews up.  Absolutely not.  If you don't believe me, try "Googling" some of those reviews yourself.

As I read one glowing review after another, my mouth dropped open in shock. Did they read the same book I did?  Are these people out of their minds?   Or am I out of my mind?   Did I let my kid intimidate me into my bad attitude?   What are the biggest names in the business seeing that I am not seeing? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!?????!!!

I was having a major attack of "Cognitive Dissonance."

Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological condition which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you know or believe versus new information or interpretation that challenges your beliefs.  

I was having a MAJOR attack of Cognitive Dissonance. 

When it came to The Ruins, someone was right and someone was wrong.  So far the Vine was winning and I was losing.  Gott in Himmel!

This was the WORST BOOK I had ever read!  How could I be so wrong?  Why couldn't I get anyone to agree with me? 

So I thought about it some more.  Last month I

I had visited the official web site of The Ruins.  I had visited Amazon.com   I had visited randomhouse.com, barnesandnoble.com, booksamillion.com and so on.  Something was bothering me.  What was it??

Hmm, maybe these sites only published the kind of reviews which might help sell the book.

You don't think they would omit any negative reviews, would they? 

So I decided to go back to the Internet and dig deeper. I started opening pages that seemed to have less to do with selling the book.  That's when I came across a spot that printed the reviews of readers, aka NON-professional book reviewers… or should I say, 'people like me'.

Here is what they said:

As you can see, now we have some people who were singing my song.  I rest my case.