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COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH |
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RICK ARCHER’S CHRISTMAS
CAROL CONTEST DOESN’T PLEASE ONE WOMAN
http://ssqq.com/archive/christmaspuzzle00.htm |
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If you have any
interest in solving fun puzzles and you like Christmas, this puzzle is a
real favorite. I have placed 50 pictures of famous Christmas Carols
and Songs on the ssqq web site such as the one below (Can you guess the name
of the carol??). The puzzle is about matching the 50 Picture Puzzles
to a Clue List of 100 famous Christmas Songs.
I cannot claim that this was all my idea. I drew my
inspiration from a crude puzzle devised by someone else. Back in 1996
a former SSQQ Staff Member named Marla Jennings gave me a copy of 24
Christmas Carol Picture Puzzles. The idea was to guess the identity of
a famous Christmas Carol from the picture. I wasn’t very good at it
because I am woeful at remembering the names of Christmas Carols!!
Nevertheless I thought it was very clever.
I lost track of the puzzle and forgot about it until three
years later when I stumbled across it again in 1999 while looking for
another document. I decided to scan the pictures into the computer and put
them up on my web site. I then created 26 more pictures to make it an even
50.
The biggest problem most people faced was like me they
weren’t that familiar with many names of Christmas Carols. For example, I
can remember the names when I hear them, but that’s about it. So to make
things easier in 2002 I added a list of 100 Christmas Carol and Song names
to pick from. Now the puzzle seemed pretty easy to me.
(By the way, what was your answer for the picture above?
If you guessed “Silver Bells”, close but no cigar. If you said “Jingle
Bells”, then you obviously have some potential for this game!)
In 2002 something odd happened. I didn’t get very
many responses from the SSQQ community, but I was inundated with requests
for the answers from people all over the country. I wasn’t prepared for the
onslaught! I must have had 50 to 100 inquiries. I got
irritated because almost every inquiry asked for the answers without
bothering to solve the puzzle.
So this year I added a special feature: Give me 30 right
answers and I will send the entire list of 50 answers. Everyone is very good
about sending me their list first and I am glad to share the rest. So
far in 2003 I have had over 100 requests for the answers!!
But where were all these inquiries coming from?
Finally I got my answer when a man emailed me to ask for the answers. He
added that he had found my site by doing a Google Search on the Internet.
Out of curiosity I went to Google and typed in “Christmas Puzzle”. I
received 900,000 hits. Hmm. How in the world did they find my puzzle out of
a million choices?
So I opened a couple pages. Lo and behold the SSQQ
Christmas Puzzle was on Page 3. Not bad!!
Then I typed in “Christmas Carol Puzzle”. SSQQ was
on Page 1 for these three key words. I had my answer!!
This year I have fielded requests for the answers from
people in Australia, South Africa, New Zealand, and Canada. Most of the
requests for the answers come either from people looking for something to do
at a Christmas Party they are hosting at work or home and from school
teachers looking for something fun for the kids to do in the final week.
I must have gotten at least 30 emails from teachers. Here are
seveal examples:
-----Original Message-----
From: Erin Collins
Sent: Thursday,
December 18, 2003 10:47 AM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: christmas puzzle
“Rick, Here are the
answers I have. Could you fill in the ones
I'm stuck on and correct any I may not have right.
My extended Family of 25 is counting on you
as we are playing this Christmas Eve!
Thanks and great site!
Erin”
-----Original Message-----
From: Edwards, Kerri
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 4:17 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Christmas Puzzle Quiz
“Attn: Rick Archer,
The following are my answers to your Christmas puzzle
list. Were all these titles REAL songs? In any case, I would
very much like to have a copy of the answers. I'd like to use these
with my music students just for fun. Thank you!
Kerri Edwards
Director, Choral Department
Iowa Park High School”
RICK ARCHER’S REPLY:
“Yes, all the titles are correct. Mind you, I got a few
titles from country-western albums here and there in a desperate attempt to
come up with 100 titles. Finally I just could not find one new title
to save my soul so I threw in “Inna Gadda da Vida” by Iron Butterfly to make
it to 100. Not exactly a classic Christmas carol, but I was tired. The
idea is to make the puzzle a little harder by giving extra choices.
Other than that I promise you the puzzle is on the level!
Hope your kids have fun!"
-----Original Message-----
From: Laurice Badino
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 7:10 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Christmas Puzzle answers
“Hi Rick,
I'm a gifted resource teacher
in a middle school, and always on the lookout for puzzles. I ran across your
Christmas song puzzle. Too Cute!
I thought I might try it out
with the kids, but I myself am not sure of a few of the pictures.
You said you would send the
answer key if we sent you the answer to 30 of them, so here it goes…”
-----Original Message-----
From: Cindy Noster
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 11:25 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: A BIG Thank you!
“Thanks
Rick-
My class will have a ball with
this puzzle and having the answer will make them think I am so smart.
Remember that's our little secret.
Have a Great Holiday!
Cindy”
In addition to the many requests from teachers and
Christmas Party hosts, there was one particular email that was my favorite
of the 2003 season:
-----Original Message-----
From: Opal Rabalais
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2003 12:07 AM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: christmas song puzzle
“Dear Mr. Rick Archer:
Here are my answers to the
Christmas song puzzle. Please send me the answers. I work in a
prison and I have stayed up late trying to figure them all out so I can give
the puzzle to the guys as something to do on Christmas Eve. Surely, I have
thirty right, Ha! Ha!
Thanks for the fun and I wait
for the answers as soon as possible.”
RICK ARCHER REPLY:
“Nice work, Opal. You did
great!! And good for you for going out of your way to do
something nice to cheer up an evening which otherwise would have been pretty
gloomy! I am honored to be able to assist you!”
Then one morning out of the
blue came an email request that blew my mind.
-----Original Message-----
From: Francine Warner
Sent: Monday, November 24, 2003 12:26 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject: Pictures of Famous Christmas Songs
Hi Rick:
I was wondering if you have an
electronic version of these pictures that you can send to me? I am
doing a PowerPoint with these on them for a contest with a church group.
When I enlarge the ones from your site (and from other sites) they get very
blurry. I can't find these pictures anywhere else on the web that has
a higher quality. But perhaps if I could get a hold of originals
(hopefully BMP format) that would be great. It would also help greatly if
the pictures could be in color.
Is this something that you can
help me with? Do you know a website where can I find these pictures
with better resolution?
Don’t forget to include the
answers.
Regards,
Francine Warner
RICK ARCHER’S REPLY:
“Ms. Warner,
I have had over 100 people
email me to ask for the answers. You are the first to ask for the
answers without bothering to solve thirty correctly like everyone else.
If you want the answers, please
give me thirty answers first like I asked for.“
FRANCINE WARNER’S REPLY:
“Well, I tried the puzzle.
Hopefully I have at lease 30 correct - you'll send the answers to me?”
Clue
List |
My Answers |
|
2 |
46 |
|
3 |
30 |
|
6 |
17 |
|
15 |
61 |
|
23 |
10 |
|
26 |
75 |
|
13 |
50 |
| etc |
etc |
RICK ARCHER’S REPLY
“Ms. Warner, at first I was
simply going to cut and paste the answers like I do with everyone else and
send them to you, but your answers were in such an odd format I got
suspicious. Most people simply give the picture number and the name.
You didn’t even bother with the names of the songs. So I checked your
answers. Not one answer was correct!!!
What planet are you from, Ms.
Warner?? Do they not have Christmas Carols on your
planet?
2 is “Walking thru a Winter
Wonderland”. Your answer was “I STILL BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS”
3 is “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. Your answer was “GO TELL IT ON THE
MOUNTAIN”
6 is “The Little Drummer Boy”. Your answer was “CHRISTMAS IN DIXIE”
It is obvious you didn’t even
lift a finger to solve these puzzles. Instead you just inserted some numbers
and figured I would be too stupid to figure it out so you wouldn’t have to
waste any of your precious time.
I checked three others just for
a laugh and they weren’t any closer. How does it feel to get caught cheating
on a Christmas Carol Puzzle, Ms. Warner?
First you said: “I can't
find these pictures anywhere else on the web that has a higher quality.”
The reason you can’t find them
elsewhere is that I created 80% of them myself. If you see them
elsewhere and they are the same size, it is because someone copied them from
me.
And I was stunned to find that
you expected a total stranger to email you larger copies so your
enlargements wouldn’t be so blurry. Do you realize this would take hours of
work?
Furthermore these pictures are
in black and white because the only pictures I had to work with were black
and white.
Did you know it took me TWO
SOLID WEEKS working on my computer paint program to make up this quiz?
And do you realize it takes maybe 20 minutes to figure out 30 answers?
But rather than invest twenty minutes to figure out a few clues, you decided
you were too damn busy to bother to take the quiz.
And what kind of church group
did you say you belonged to? Didn’t you learn anything about integrity
in that church group?
You have more nerve than any
person I have ever dealt with on the Internet.“
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JOKES |
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BEST NEW JOKES OF THE
MONTH |
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Over the years, we have
been sent countless numbers of jokes by our Newsletter Readers.
We have kept what we thought were the best. At this point
we have now have a Hall of Fame collection of over 600 jokes.
Many of them are real gems. We rotate these jokes on a monthly
basis so over the year you get to read them all.
In addition to our
"Classics", we also get many new jokes each month sent in by our
students. This section contains our favorites. At
the end of each year we add these jokes to the "Immortal
Collection".
By the way, getting a
joke selected isn't very easy since we have been collecting
jokes for so long. It's tough to find a new one. So if you
send in a great joke and nothing ever happens, trust us - it is
already on the Web Site. If you don't believe us, email
and ask about your joke!! I am serious. I will show you
where the joke is.
We greatly appreciate any jokes you would like to submit. Send
them to Rick Archer at dance@ssqq.com
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Joke One: The Christmas Cop
Contributed by Marlies Whitmoyer
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a
little girl named Jasmine on her new shiny bike stopped beside
him. "Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?
" Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket
for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to
put a reflector light on the back of it.”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you
got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell
Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
………………………
Joke Two: What Happens When You Get a
Blonde Genie?
Contributed by Anonymous Hieronymous
(Editor’s Note: this one is NOT politically correct. Please
ignore if easily offended.)
(Sorry, but at a student's request, this joke
was removed. We will discuss what constitutes good taste
and bad taste in jokes in next month's issue)
.............................
Joke Three: The Dangerous Looking Biker
Contributed by Chris Holmes
A biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live
far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and an anvil. Then he stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had
a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I
know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against
the wall against my will, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an
anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I
possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, “Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and let me hold
the chickens for you".
…………………
Joke Four: The Undernourished Alligator
Contributed by Chris Holmes
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The
smaller one turned
to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be
so much
bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as
kids..I just don't
get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone
to unlock
the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit
out of 'em,
and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You
ain't gettin'
any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the
shit out of
a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but lips and a briefcase."
………………..
Joke Five: The Godfather and his Bookkeeper
Contributed by Leroy Ginzel
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him
for Ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks
the bookkeeper:
"Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the
10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if
you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard
in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger.
……………………
Joke Six: The Middle-Aged Woman
Contributed by Phyllis Porter
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her
gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the
morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I
looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the
bowl."
"Uh-huh"
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!," she implored, "! I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There,
there, it's nothing to be scared about."
Then he paused before telling her the diagnosis. The woman held
her breath with fear.
"You're simply going through the Change…"
…………….
Joke Seven: The Old lady and the Cop
Contributed by Marlies Whitmoyer
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if
you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half! drawn gun.
Officer #2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer #2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer #2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer #2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer
is quite stunned.
Officer #2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The
officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer #2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdere d and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
………………
Joke Eight: The Recovering Mental Patient
Contributed by Judy Walsh
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna’s heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as
he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, “Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping
in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right
after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am
so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to
dry....How soon can I go Home?”
………………
Joke Nine: The Four Jewish Sons and the Chanukah Present
Contributed by Judy Walsh
Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became
successful doctors, and lawyers and prospered. Some years later,
they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the
Chanukah gifts they had recently sent to their widowed elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built
in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600
with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved
reading the Torah. You also know she can't read anymore because
she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a
parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to
contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let
me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a
chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
“Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Menachim, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it
could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for
the gesture just the same.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my
groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the
driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
Thank you, Mom.”
…………………………
Joke Ten: The Two Doctors
Contributed by Donna Ruth
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign
reading:
"DR Smith and DR Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics". Nope. Thumbs
down again.
Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But this was still not good! So they tried every name they could
think of:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a
title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"DR Smith and DR Jones, Odds and Ends."
APPROVED!
…………………….
Joke Eleven: The Cowboy with the Big Feet
Contributed by Judy Walsh
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet
propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men
with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't
you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night
with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
You don’t have to do that. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."
"Don't be flattered ... take the money and go buy yourself the
right size boots."
…………………..
Joke Twelve: The Christmas Traditions
Contributed by Chris Holmes
The teacher, Mrs. Jones, asked each of her students how they
celebrate Christmas. She
called first on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do
you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class: "Me and my twelve brothers and
sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home
very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to
come with all our toys."
"Very nice, Patrick," she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you
do at Christmas?"
"Me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad, and we
sing carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the
chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for
Santa Claus to bring our presents."
"That's also very nice, Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there
was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out
of the discussion, she asked him the same question. "Now, Isaac
Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you
sing."
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the
office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves
and sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.'
Then we all fly to the Bahamas."
………………
Joke Thirteen: The Anniversary
Contributed by Judy Walsh
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not
in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for
him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a large
tumbler of scotch in front of him. He appears to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a
tear from his eye and takes a sip of his drink.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his drink. "Do you remember 20 years
ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you
remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat
of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him.
The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or
I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too", she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have
gotten out today."
…………………..
Joke Fourteen: Anger Management
Contributed by Leroy Ginzel
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man
answered, saying, “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak
with Robin Carter?”
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe
that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had
transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After
hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,
“You’re an asshole!” and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell,
“You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
‘asshole’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID
program?”
He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an
asshole!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the
spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that
I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed
a “For Sale” sign in his car window ...so, I wrote down his
number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first
asshole,
(I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black
BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and
the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home every evening
after five.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole.” Then I hung up, and added his number
to my speed dial, too! .
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable
as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole
#1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”
Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are?”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over
right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on
West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
I feel much better. I helped connect two people who deserved
each other.
…………………..
Joke Fifteen: Advice for Men
Contributed by Randy Mellard
Advice for guys:
Hey, Fellas.......I'm sure you know how, when you make your wife
mad, she nags at you. And then, if you really make her mad, she
gives you the silent treatment.
Seems to me that it's worth the extra effort. |
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SSQQ EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH |
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BRYAN SPIVEY and Krista johnson AND JUDY ARCHER |
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This award goes to
an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the call of duty. In any
given month, there are always at least 100 quiet acts of simple kindness
performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the person gets no credit,
but our organization benefits from the gratitude. The problem for me is
that these many moments usually occur way under my radar. So
if you have an instructor to nominate, please let me know and why!!
dance@ssqq.com
On the other hand,
sometimes the move is dramatic enough to catch my eye so I can say
something about it.
In December, Bryan
Spivey asked me if he could teach a private Swing dance class to a group of
people getting ready for a huge New Year’s Eve Swing dance. He said he
would ask fellow Swing teacher Krista Johnson, whose nickname I recently
discovered is “Shortstack”, to help him.
I gave Bryan and Krista a key and the go-ahead. On Saturday, December 13,
they held at workshop at the studio for nearly 50 people in attendance. The
workshop was very popular and there was a big buzz among the students about
continuing with classes after the New Year’s Party.
This workshop benefited the studio in two ways – it made a lot of money for
the studio to help pay the rent and it created a lot of positive energy that
will carry over into next year. To say I am grateful is a big
understatement. Thank you Bryan and Krista!!
Soon Bryan will be involved in another arduous task for which he did not
expect any credit. Bryan and Judy Archer will be spending the Christmas
holidays refinishing the dance floors at the studio. This huge job is not
fun nor is it glamorous. But it is much appreciated by me and by all the
students who like to dance here.
When you see Bryan
and Judy, please thank them from the bottom of your heart for their hard
work!
One more thing:
Bryan and Judy could use one more hand at the refinishing job. It pays
money. If you have some free time during the day over the Holidays, let us
know. Email to
dance@ssqq.com .
Ladies are just as
welcome to apply as men. If Judy can do it, so can another lady.
One more thing –
every year Judy Archer goes out of her way to sponsor an SSQQ Toy Drive.
During December, various SSQQ students drop off a toy on their way to
class. Like my mention of acts of simple kindness, no one really notices
who participates and no one is around to say “thank you” to the many people
who are gracious enough to contribute.
But each year on
the Saturday after the SSQQ Christmas Party, Judy loads up the car with
dozens of toys and drives over to Toys for Tots or to a woman’s shelter and
donates the toys.
It is a lot of
work, but the gratitude is always there somewhere from the kids who get a
gift from someone who cared enough to help out. Thank you, Judy, for
organizing this gesture.
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LOGIC PUZZLE
RESULTS |
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THE WINNERS OF THE
DECEMBER SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE: WHO OWNS RUDOLPH? |
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Way up at
the North Pole, Santa and his elves live a relatively normal
life for much of the year. Santa in particular is a best friend
with four elves: Fritz, Olaf, Andreas and Hans.
These five men live in Winter Wonderland, a ritzy North Pole
subdivision. As friends, they do everything together. Each of
the five keeps one of the Reindeer in his cottage with him for
company: Prancer, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, and of course Rudolph.
Now, from the clues listed below, do you think you can figure
out which of the four elves or Santa keeps Rudolph in his
cottage?? And who drinks the cider??
The December puzzle listed above was pretty tough, but we still
managed to have twelve winners. And now
for the drum roll, please!
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Announcing the 2003 December
Logical Celebrities!! |
1. Elicia Moody (two months in a row)
2. Laurie Johnson (First Time Winner, welcome to the
Club!)
3. Jeff and Connie Woodman (Tied with Mara Rivas for first
place with six months in a row!!)
4. Hameed Rashid (First Time Winner, welcome to the Club!)
5. Mara Rivas (Tied with the Woodmans for first place with
6 months in a row!)
6. Verondia Goddard (First Time Winner, welcome to the
Club!)
7. Marlies Whitmoyer (Fifth Month in a Row!!)
8. Rue Lynn Allen (First Time Winner, welcome to the
Club!)
9. Samantha Archer (with help from Dad)
10. Tony Hsueh (First Time Winner, welcome to the Club!)
11. Susan Arevalo (Fifth Month in a Row!!)
12. Ann Faget (Fourth Month in a
row!)
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We had
five first-time winners: Verondia Goddard, Laurie Johnson,
Hameed Rashid, Rue Lynn Allen, and Tony Hseuh. Since there are
so many new timers I was unable to
choose one for “Logic Rookie of the Month”. Maybe it is just as
well because our previous two rookies of the month have been
disappointing: Marla Gorzynski and Tim Crist didn’t bother to
enter the next month. Hmpph.
I hope our new SSQQ Logic Club winners try next month’s puzzle
as well!
I was sorry to see Robby Thompson fail to submit an answer this
month. He was tied for first place with Mara Rivas and Jeff and
Connie Woodman. I asked him about it and he said he decided to
take a Break. Oh well.
That means Mara Rivas, the Puzzle Queen, is tied for first place
with Jeff and Connie as we start the New Year. They have solved
the monthly puzzle six months in a row. Not bad!
And right on their heels is Marlies Whitmoyer and Susan Arevalo
at five months in a row. You go Girls!!
I have discovered that solving the SSQQ Logic Puzzle is good for
Romance too. Elicia Anderson Moody solved a couple puzzles and
now she just got married! And Verondia Nevill Goddard solved the
puzzle this month and the next thing you know she got married
too! Amazing!
Men go nuts over logical women, perhaps because there are so few
of them. Oops, just kidding!! |
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THE NEW LOGIC PUZZLE |
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THE JANUARY SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE: THE NATURE OF GOSSIP!
http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle14.htm
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(Editor’s Note: Anyone who has read this month’s article on SSQQ
Slow Dance and Romance will agree the plot to the story below
isn’t quite a far-fetched as it seems. This is a cool puzzle. I
hope you all enjoy it!)
There is a saying that Gossip is the most powerful force in the
Universe second to Gravity. And some say Gossip travels at the
speed of Light!
Miss Fox is the only single dance teacher left on the Staff at
the QQSS Creatures Meet Dance Studio.
One evening Miss Fox arrived at the QQSS Dance Studio with an
exciting secret – she was engaged to a gentleman she had met in
one of her dance classes!! Shortly before she began her private
lesson at 6 pm she shared her secret with her two closest
friends on the staff - Ben and the Night Club teacher.
They just happened to be at the studio early that evening for
lessons of their own. Now three people were in on the “Secret”.
When her private lesson was over at 6:45 pm, Miss Fox told her
student she would be back later for Practice Night at 9 pm if he
wanted to get in some extra well-needed dance practice. Then she
left the building to meet her fiancé for dinner.
Unbeknownst to Miss Fox, as the other QQSS teachers began to
stroll in for their 7 pm classes, Ben and the Night Club teacher
turned around and each whispered the Secret to two other
instructors. Now 7 people were in on the Secret!!
Then during Break, each of the four instructors who had heard
“The Secret” shortly before classes started at 7 pm turned
around and whispered the secret to yet two more instructors.
With that, the entire teaching staff for the evening – 14 fellow
teachers (who it turns out were all married to one another) –
was in on the good news about Miss Fox.
This meant that now 15 different people at QQSS were in on the
Secret.
Figuring it was common knowledge at this point, during the
second hour of dance class, the 14 Instructors told all their
students. Now EVERYBODY was in on the secret.
When Miss Fox returned for Practice Night at 9 pm with her
fiancé at her side, she was astonished to discover the Whole
World knew of her once closely guarded secret. As they say, the
Cat was definitely out of the Bag!!
Incredulous, her fiancé turned to Miss Fox and said, “I thought
you had said at dinner you had only told 2 people?” Miss Fox was
too shocked to even reply.
Isn’t it amazing how fast word gets around?
From the following clues, can you determine the full names of
each of the 15 teachers, the subject taught by each teacher, and
who told whom of Miss Fox’s engagement?
On your mark, get set, GO!
http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle14.htm
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JOKE
PICTURE OF THE MONTH |
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THE SSQQ JOKE PICTURE
OF THE MONTH
Joke Picture |
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GUESS WHO IS COMING TO VISIT YOUR HOUSE THIS CHRISTMAS??
Contributed by Rich Lybarger
If it were not so pathetic, it would be funnier. But then
if it were not so pathetic maybe it wouldn’t be funny. Whatever.
I laughed
pretty hard at this one!
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PUNISHMENT |
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THE WORST SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH
(There is no such thing as a
good pun...) |
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The Dentist's Office
Contributed by Chris Holmes
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because of pain in his mouth.After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy
Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly
completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my
wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it...
Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talking' DELICIOUS!
I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it
on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise
sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It
seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome
this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome
for the Hollandaise!"
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VOCABULARY |
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THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH |
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CATHOLIC
Contributed by Rick ArcherCATHOLIC (adjective)
- Of broad or liberal
scope, comprehensive.
- Including or
concerning all humankind; universal.
- not narrow-minded or
bigoted. Liberal, as in “catholic” tastes.
- related to the
Catholic church
Sentence: “Men of other countries came to bear their part
in so great and catholic a war” (quote by Southey)
(Editor’s Note: If you have a good vocabulary word, send it in!!
dance@ssqq.com )
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CLEAN SIDE |
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THE SSQQ JANUARY CLEAN
SIDE JOKE PAGE
Clean Side Jokes |
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Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to
receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have
compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the
year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes"
column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your
jokes will become immortal!! |
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This year only one new joke was added
to the Immortal List
of jokes.
Congratulations to long-time contributor Leroy Ginzel
for “Sarah Finkel” from January of
2003.
Here are the the Best Jokes from the
past:
January CS 01: Suspicious Wives - Bill Mayo
January CS 02: Blind Man Jumping - Bill Mayo
January CS 03: The Drunk - Gary Richardson
January CS 04: The Poker Game - Gary Richardson
January CS 05: Golf on the Island - Gary Richardson
January CS 06: The Ballerina - Mike Gerstenberger
January CS 07: The Bridge - countless unnamed women
January CS 08: The Super Bowl - Richard Bevis and Susan
Schroeder
January CS 09: The Genius Monkey Store - Pat Roberts
January CS 10: The Art Collector - Lynn Bevis
January CS 11: Incognito - Debbie Awad
January CS 12: Smart Comments from Smart Women - Pat Roberts
January CS 13: The Genie - Susan Schroeder
January CS 14: Law Enforcement - Sylvia Tucker
January CS 15: Engineer Joke Number 2000 - Sylvia Tucker
January CS 16: The Blonde and the Airplane I - Mike Guillory
January CS 17: The Blonde and the Airplane II - Sharon Crawford
January CS 18: Hot Shot Lawyer & the Texas Hick - Sylvia Tucker
January CS 19: The Trans Canadian Railroad Trip - Patty Jones
January CS 20: The Woman Who Had No Enemies - Pat Roberts
January CS 21: The Understanding Husband - Mike Guillory
January CS 22: The Aging Couple Loses Their Mind - Mike Guillory
January CS 23: Having a Bad Day - Leroy Ginzel
January CS 24: The Meaning of Life - Leroy Ginzel
January CS 25: A Woman's Four Favorite Animals - Gary Richardson
January CS 26: Sarah Finkel - Leroy Ginzel
Since Houston is hosting the Super Bowl this year, I thought it
would be fun to publish my favorite Super Bowl joke.
January CS 08: The Super Bowl - Richard Bevis and Susan
Schroeder
A salesman named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl
from his company for leading his company in sales the past year.
Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the
seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He's
closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his
binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the
50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way
through the stadium. He cleverly waits till the security guards
are preoccupied with helping someone else and dashes to the
empty seat at the end of the row.
Before sitting down, Joe asks the elderly gentleman sitting next
to the seat, "Excuse me, Sir, but is anyone sitting here?" The
man says no. Joe replies, "I don't have a ticket for this seat,
but I hate to see it go to waste. Would you mind if I sat here?"
The elderly man stares at Joe for a moment, and then replies,
"No, go ahead. Have the seat."
So Joe sits down and watches the game. It is one of the best
games ever. He is very excited to be in such a great seat for
the game. This is a dream come true. The Rams get off to a big
lead, but the Titans fight back and nearly send the game into
overtime on the last play. Joe screams his head off the entire
game.
Now with the game over, exhausted but thrilled beyond compare,
Joe remarks to the old man, "I wonder who owns this seat? Who in
their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl
and not use it?"
The old man stares back at him, then says, "My wife and I own
these seats. We've been to every Super Bowl since the
beginning."
Joe says, "Oh, well, that explains it. But gosh, where is your
wife?"
"She couldn't make it."
"I wonder why not. This game was great !!"
"She died."
Joe covered his mouth with shock, but he didn't get to be
salesmen of the year by not being persistent, so he asks, "Oh,
I'm sorry. That's too bad. You must really miss her. But why
didn't you bring one of your friends to keep you company?"
"I tried to. I must have asked 20 people, but they all went to
the funeral instead." |
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BLUE SIDE |
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THE SSQQ JANUARY
BLUE SIDE JOKES! |
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The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great
secrets of the SSQQ web site. It is
your reward for taking dance classes at SSQQ.
Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have
access.
All you need to do to get the address is to email me from
the email address you use to register for classes and request it.
dance@ssqq.com I
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January
BS 01: Freudian Slip - Gillian Tilbury
January BS 02: Venus and Mars, Chapter 2001 - Leo Skiba
January BS 03: Eugenics - Sylvia Tucker
January BS 04: Redneck Logic - Bill Mayo
January BS 05: How to Drive Your Woman Wild - Lynn Bevis
January BS 06: The Birds and the Bees - Susan Schroeder
January BS 07: The Face Lift - Pat Roberts
January BS 08: The Indian Researcher - Patty Jones
January BS 09: Drunk as a Skunk - Ted Jones
January BS 10: The Best Weight Loss Plan Ever - Susan Schroeder
January BS 11: Begging Their Wives to Play Golf - Susan
Schroeder
January BS 12: Skinny Dipping - Susan Schroeder
January BS 13: The Woodpecker Challenge - Gary Richardson
January BS 14: Nationalities - Carol Nelson
January BS 15: The Four Fractured Fairy Tales - Pat Roberts
January BS 16: The Three Nuns - Lynne Tadlock
January BS 17: Irish Boasting - Anita Williams
January BS 18: The Huge Mortgage - Leroy Ginzel
January BS 19: Bubba has a Complaint - Chris Holmes
January BS 20: Lonely in Alaska - Chris Holmes
January BS 21: Fractured Valentine's Cards - Leroy Ginzel
Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world
and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of
“Dirty Jokes”, each month we manage to find one that is
printable. This next joke is one of my very favorites. Enjoy!
January BS 11: Begging Their Wives to Play Golf - Susan
Schroeder
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will
paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I
will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the
fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't
said anything about what you had to do to be able to come
golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off,
I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf
course or intercourse?' She said, 'don’t forget your sweater!!'"
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START OF THE SPECIAL FEATURES SECTION |
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SPECIAL FEATURE ONE |
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CAN YOU
SPOT A SERIAL KILLER?
Contributed by Sandy Lenarduzzi
-----Original Message-----
From: Sandy the Dooze
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2003 11:53 PM
To: ssqq@houston.rr.com
Subject: Serial killer quiz
Rick, Try this out.
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/
See if you are smarter than me and be truthful. Let's see how
smart you are....I got 9 out of 10!!
Sandy the Dooze
(Editor’s Note: Happy Days had the Fonz and
SSQQ has the Dooze! Sandy
Lenardoozy has a very odd
preoccupation with serial killers, probably because she tends to
date them by accident all the time. This is the second month in
a row she has sent in an item about serial killers!
At any rate, I took the serial killer quiz and didn’t do too
well. I only got 5 and two of them were people I actually
recognized from magazine articles. It turns out that computer
programmers and serial killers look almost alike. Check that. It
turns out that serial killers look more trustworthy than
computer programmers! Enjoy this interesting quiz.) |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
TWO |
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Donald Rumsfeld receives 'Foot in Mouth' award
Contributed by Ann Faget
Tuesday, December 2, 2003 · Last updated 6:57 a.m. PT
By SUE LEEMAN
ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER
LONDON -- He may not know it - or know that he knows it - but
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has won this year's "Foot in
Mouth" award for the most baffling statement by a public figure.
Britain's Plain English Campaign, scourge of jargon, cliches and
legalese, announced the honors Tuesday, giving runner-up to
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The top prize went to Rumsfeld for this logic-twister he gave at
a press briefing on Iraq:
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always
interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns,
there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld said.
"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know
there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown
unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."
"We think we know what he means," said Plain English Campaign
spokesman John Lister. "But we don't know if we really know."
Schwarzenegger's honored entry, made to a radio interviewer, was
more straightforward: "I think that gay marriage is something
that should be between a man and a woman."
British politician Chris Patten was singled out for his
assessment of Britain's main opposition party: "Having committed
political suicide, the Conservative Party is now living to
regret it."
The annual "Golden Bull" award was shared by several British
companies: JMC Airlines, now part of the Thomas Cook travel
group; Lloyds Pharmacy, clothing and household goods retailer
Marks and Spencer, electrical appliance maker SMEG, the bank
Standard Life and Warburtons Bakers.
Marks and Spencer was cited for the label "now with roast
chicken" on a roast chicken salad. "So what was in it before?"
asked the campaign.
SMEG was criticized for a dishwasher manual which contained the
instruction: "By pressing the relative button of desired program
(see table) it will lid up the relative pilot light to confirm
that the operation did occurred on the DISPLAY (9) will appear a
program duration forecasting ('hmm')." (Sic)
SMEG spokeswoman Pauline Dewhurst apologized and said the
company has since produced easier-to-read guides. |
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SPECIAL FEATURE THREE |
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EMAIL LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: CHRISTMAS DANCE STORY
(Editor’s Note: This letter was sent to me a couple years ago. I
have reprinted it from the January 2002 Newsletter.
Mon 12/17/2001 2:41 PM
“Hi Rick,
My name is Frank Jefferson. I doubt you will remember me and my
wife Jackie, but we remember your studio very well. We took
lessons at SSQQ back in 1991 for about five months until my
company transferred me to Denver that summer.
The reason I am writing is to tell you how your studio and
dancing changed my life and my marriage eleven years ago. I ran
across your web site the other day while I was visiting my
oldest son here in Houston. He mentioned an interest in taking
dance classes so I looked you up on the Internet. As I read some
of your anecdotes, I started to reminisce about learning to
dance Western at SSQQ. Then it occurred to me my Christmas story
might be interesting to some of the people who visit your
studio.
As 1990 neared its conclusion, things were going pretty well for
me. My career as an accountant was going well, one boy was
finishing his doctorate work at UT, my other son was in college
and my daughter was a senior in high school. I thought my
marriage was doing pretty well, but as I look back I realize
increasingly my wife and I were spending less and less time
together. Part of the problem was I had become a golf addict.
Back then I played golf Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without
question and usually managed to play a round during the week
plus at least go practice my driving or my putting after work
one or two other days. It was an obsession with me. I love the
game with a passion (still do for that matter!). What other
sport allows you to visit with friends, take a leisurely stroll
through the woods and beautiful scenery, gives you some good
exercise, and challenges you mentally as well as physically?
Even when I wasn’t playing, I was reading golf magazines or
watching a golf tournament on TV or on videotape. I may have
physically been in the house, but mentally I was usually on the
golf course. As I said, I was a golf addict.
Then came Christmas 1990. Christmas was always an agony for me
since as usual I had no clue what to buy my wife for a present.
What do you give the woman who has every possession she would
ever need? I wracked my brains for what to get her. Finally in
desperation I gave up and simply asked, “Jackie, what do you
want for Christmas this year?”
It was almost like she had been waiting for this moment! Without
hesitation her reply was to grab her purse and pull out a
schedule listing your studio’s dance classes. I think a girl
friend had given it to her. She laid it out on the table,
pointed to it, and simply said, “Frank, I want you to take a
dance class with me in January.” No anger. No pleading. No guilt
trip or anything like that. This was just like my Jackie. I
asked her a question and she answered me matter-of-fact. She
wanted me to take a dance class with her.
For some reason, I was stunned. I had not expected this. Money I
had to give. Going out and buying something was no big deal.
Even building something like a porch would have been no problem.
But committing some valuable free time to do something stupid
like take dance lessons? You gotta be kidding!
But Jackie knew me too well. Deep down she knew I enjoy pleasing
her. She held eye contact and said nothing. In fact she smiled
the whole time. I think she knew exactly what was going through
my mind. For a while I sort of felt set up, but eventually I
realized it wasn’t the worst thing in the world that she had
asked me to do. I can still remember while she just sat there at
the kitchen table watching me make up my mind! I think she
enjoyed watching me squirm, something she has never denied for a
moment.
It took me a long time to answer. Finally I realized I wasn’t
going to figure a way out of this. Despite my best efforts I
could not come up with one good excuse so I gave up and said,
“Okay. If that’s what you want, you got it!” I wrapped up a
letter and put it in a box. When she opened it Christmas Day, it
said, “I promise to take a dance class with you in January!
Love, Frank” Jackie gave me a big hug and grinned as my kids
teased me unmercifully. What had I gotten myself into?
Two weeks later we started taking a Twostep class at your
studio. I think the teacher was a lady named Sharon. Fortunately
the class was on a Wednesday which was practically the only day
I didn’t play golf.
I was so nervous the first night. I did not know what to expect.
At first I didn’t even know if your studio really existed. We
couldn’t see anything from the street that looked like a dance
studio. We had to walk down this long hallway till we found the
place to register. Then we sat on some chairs in a big room with
about 60 other people with a bunch of guys who looked just as
worried as I was.
Once we got going, to my surprise the moves weren’t very
difficult. Within fifteen minutes Jackie and I were already
dancing to music. Then came a shock. Sharon asked us to switch
partners. Jackie hadn’t told me about this! She grinned at me as
suddenly I was expected to move to dance with a woman I had
never seen before in my life. What had I gotten myself into? My
heart sank with worry. Fortunately I soon discovered the moves
worked with the other women in the class too. This was good!
In fact I began to enjoy dancing with everyone in class.
Everyone was so nice! Once I got on the wrong foot and
accidentally stepped on a lady’s foot. I didn’t put all my
weight on her foot, thank goodness, but it still had to hurt.
Her name was Carol. She laughed and said don’t worry about it. I
just melted with gratitude at her forgiveness. From then on
Carol and I became good friends. At each class she would point
at her foot and say it had almost healed, but could I aim at the
other one instead just in case? By an odd coincidence another
time I ran Carol into the pole in the middle of the room. This
time as I stared in shock at my stupidity, Carol almost died
laughing. “What are you trying to do, Frank, kill me? Did
someone pay you to do this?”
At the end of the evening, Sharon told us about Practice Night.
Jackie asked if I would mind staying. I looked at my watch and
thought about work the next day. I was tired and ready to go,
but then I saw that look on her face. Sure, why not? I said we
could stay for a little while and see what it was like.
It turned out to be more of a challenge than I had expected.
Without the teacher calling out the timing, I had a hard time
figuring out how the steps fit the beat. And I couldn’t tell a
Polka from a Waltz from a Twostep to save my life if I had to.
However Jackie came through like a charm. She told me to just
dance and she would try to follow. Although I doubt I was
anywhere near the beat, once this pressure was off, I started to
enjoy plowing around the floor. I had an absolute ball! This was
better than dodge ‘em cars! The highlight of the night came
towards the end. I had been so absorbed in counting “slow slow
quick quick” to myself I was oblivious to everything around me.
But after a particularly good run around the floor, I realized I
had danced an entire song without making a mistake. I looked at
Jackie and saw her beaming with pride and happiness. She was so
grateful to be here with me that her smile brought actual tears
to my eyes. I had not seen her smile at me in this way in a
long, long time. I will never forget that moment.
To make a long story short, dancing became a hobby I looked
forward to just like I did with golf. On days I knew I was going
to dance class, I would hitch a ride to work. Then later Jackie
would pick me up at work and we would go somewhere for dinner
before class. We began to chat again just like we did earlier in
our marriage. Then we would go to class and have fun learning
the Western Swing. We would visit with some of the people we had
grown to like before class and during breaks. Practice Night
became pretty much a ritual with us as well.
Then in March 1991 I got the news – my company wanted me to
transfer to Denver. God, how I hated agreeing to do it! As I
talked the move over with Jackie, I was surprised that golf
never really entered my mind. However one thing that kept going
through my mind was where was I going to dance in Denver? But
the money was too good to resist plus with my daughter leaving
soon for college, it was less of a problem for the two of us to
relocate than the other families in the firm.
Up in Denver we found no studio like yours was in existence. And
Western dancing like you have in Houston was practically
non-existent. But dancing was in my system now, so we decided to
try Ballroom Dancing. To my surprise, I liked it just as much as
Western. I even discovered I was able to tell a Waltz from a
Tango and be able to keep the beat as well!
We discovered a ‘dance underground’ in Denver. Practically every
night of the week a different studio would offer social Ballroom
dancing, and on the weekends there were special events sponsored
through a dance organization I am sure you have heard of called
USABDA. The big moment for me was when I realized I was looking
forward to a Saturday evening dance with my lovely wife just as
much as I was looking forward to playing golf that afternoon!
I still play a lot of golf, but have cut back a little to make
more time for my dancing as well. Recently I even let myself get
talked into dance competitions. Can you believe that? We haven’t
won anything yet, but the point is I enjoy improving at dance
just like I once obsessed over my putting. I realize my story
borders on being sappy, but the truth is that dance has become
the favorite activity for my wife and I to share.
Thanks again for helping us get started!
Regards, Frank Jefferson
(Editor’s Note: I would imagine stories like this one are more
common than we might realize, but very few people take the time
to write them down and send them to me. I am particularly
grateful to Mr. Jefferson, whom I did indeed do not know, for
sending me this timely and poignant letter.) |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
FOUR |
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HALL OF FAME JOKE: WINTER AT THE INDIAN RESERVATION
Contributed by Marlane Kayfes and Mike Guillory
(Editor’s Note: Reprinted from January 2002 Newsletter.
I absolutely love this joke!)
The young Indian man had just finished his graduate school
training. He had studied hard for six long years in preparation
for his future role as ‘Tribal Leader’ for his Indian tribe.
Now it was autumn. Today he was conducting his very first
tribal meeting on the remote reservation.
At the end of the meeting, one of the elders stood up and asked
the new ‘Chief’ if the winter was going to be cold or mild. The
young man was taken aback, but carefully hid his feelings as his
leadership seminar had prepared him to do. Since he was an
Indian Chief trained in a modern society, he had never been
taught the old secrets. When he looked
p at the sky, he didn’t have a clue what the weather was going
to be.
Nevertheless, he knew he had to respond quickly to give the
appearance of competence. To be on the safe side, he replied to
his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold. Several
of the Indians smiled and nodded in agreement at his confident
show of wisdom. This prediction indicated that the members of
the village should begin to collect wood for the coming winter.
As he watched how diligently the villagers brought in the wood,
the new Chief worried about his prediction. Being a practical
sort, after several days the young man got an idea. He went to
the phone booth, called the local office of the National Weather
Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“At first it appeared it would be a mild winter, but our latest
indications say it looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service
responded.
Reassured, the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more wood in order to be prepared. However a week
later he noticed his latest order had prompted the tribe to
gather what seemed to be a near mountain of wood.
Now he was sweating for two reasons: it wasn’t even remotely
cold and his people had gone to a lot of work based on his
prediction. He nervously called the National Weather Service
again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Why, yes it is,” the man at National Weather Service again
replied, “we now think it’s going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.”
Flabbergasted, the young Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later the temperature had only dropped at most a
degree or two, yet the stack of firewood was so tall it had
become a local tourist attraction. The Chief frowned as he
watched all the people dressed in shorts and Hawaiian shirts
taking pictures of ‘Firewood Mountain’. But
the moment he saw a TV station truck arrive to take
footage of the event, he completely panicked.
Pictures of this enormous wooden mountain surrounded by hundreds
of sweating tourists in the dead of winter on Local TV was the
last thing he wanted to see!
Frantically he called the National Weather Service again. “Are
you ABSOLUTELY sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “The latest indications suggest
that it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“The word ‘Suggest’ isn’t good enough. How can you be so sure?”
the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like
crazy!!!” |
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SPECIAL FEATURE
FIVE |
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SSQQ PRICES GOING UP FOR SSQQ DANCE
CLASSES IN JANUARY 2004Effective in January 2004, our
prices will increase 2 dollars from $44 men, $36 ladies to $46 men and $38
ladies. Our advanced classes will increase 1 dollar from $35 men, $25 ladies
to $36 men and $26 ladies.
This is the first price increase
in 3 years. It is meant to offset the skyrocketing prices of insurance and
taxes. I imagine most of you who have experienced similar problems know
exactly what I mean.
Please forgive. Rick Archer.
………………….
a Special Note
from Rick Archer about Email, the SSQQ Newsletter, and Spam.
I now receive an average of 150 spam emails a day. Because
I run a business where people email me at random from all over the world on
a variety of subjects, I am reluctant to install filters.
The problem with this kind of volume is the potential I
can accidentally delete valuable emails from ssqq students, especially when
I don’t recognize the name. To minimize this possibility, please be sure to
put a title with some thought behind it in the “Subject” box when you are
trying to contact us.
As for the SSQQ Email Newsletter, more and more people
report that it is being blocked at their jobs as “Spam”. This leaves me no
choice but to make the Email I send out as innocuous as possible.
For that matter you may stop receiving the SSQQ Email
Newsletter at any time for reasons that are out of my hands. A month ago, I
had over 600 Newsletter Emails sent to students with Yahoo accounts bounced
back to me. I contacted Yahoo and was given no explanation why the emails
bounced. It is tough to correct a problem when you don’t even know what is
causing it.
In the future, I suggest you automatically go to the
Newsletter on the SSQQ Web Site a couple days before classes start and read
the latest news whether you get an email reminder or not.
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NO STANDING IN LINE – SIGN UP ON-LINE (SSQQ ONLINE
REGISTRATION)
https://www153.ssldomain.com/ssqq/register/
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AND THAT’S A WRAP FOR THIS ISSUE (AND DON’T FORGET TO GO
TO THE WEB SITE FOR THE COMPLETE NEWSLETTER!!) As you can see, the SSQQ Newsletter is written to a large
extent by its readers. Many people contribute jokes, pictures, and
interesting items each month. Anyone is welcome to join the fun!
If you have any comments, suggestions, requests, complaints, jokes, pictures
or poetry to share, please send it to me, Rick Archer, at
dance@ssqq.com
And thanks for reading all the way to the bottom! …. I
might add I do have reason to believe some of you simply scroll to the
bottom to look for any little surprises I hide down here. ;-) Anyhow,
thanks to all for making it this far!
Rick Archer
SSQQ Dance Studio
4803 Bissonnet
Email:
dance@ssqq.com
Web:
www.ssqq.com
Phone: 713-861-1906
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