The SSQQ June 2004
Written and edited monthly by Rick Archer
Previous 2004 Newsletters
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||JUNE DANCE CLASSES
BEGIN ON MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY, MAY 31ST.
PARTIES INCLUDING "MY CALIENTE" ON SATURDAY, JUNE 12TH
AND THE WONDERFUL SOCK HOP SWING PARTY ON SATURDAY, JUNE 26TH.
THE SSQQ SEPTEMBER DANCE CRUISE ABOARD THE RHAPSODY IS
EXPLODING!! THE PRICES HAVE JUST JUMPED,
BUT YOU CAN STILL REGISTER TODAY AT THE ORIGINAL RATES TO AVOID
A PRICE INCREASE!
IMPORTANT CHANGES IN SSQQ PRACTICE NIGHT STARTING IN JUNE.
ANSEMAN IS WELL ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY!
BLACKMAIL, PASSION AND VANITY: THE STORY OF THE 2004
SSQQ MARDI GRAS TRIP!
SSQQ STAFF UPDATES FOR MAY/JUNE 2004
||WOMAN READY TO QUIT
HER JOB AND MOVE FROM KENTUCKY JUST TO BE AT SSQQ.
INSTRUCTOR WIL COULBOURN IS A NEW DAD!
||SSQQ TO SEE
BELLAIRE'S FIRST-EVER SKY BRIDGE BUILT.
JACK BENARD REVISITED
COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH
||COMPLAINT OF THE
MONTH: DOES SSQQ HAVE THE RIGHT TO INSIST A MALE STUDENT SHOULD
DANCE WITH A MALE INSTRUCTOR? THIS MONTH WE REVISIT THIS
BEST NEW JOKES OF MONTH
||BEST NEW JOKES OF THE
MONTH: 5 NEW JOKES THIS MONTH!! -
Contributed by Chris Holmes, Leroy Ginzel, Judy Walsh, and Pat
||ONE COUPLE GOT
MARRIED AND ANOTHER COUPLE FROM THE 2002 SSQQ CRUISE GOT ENGAGED
AND A THIRD COUPLE GOT ENGAGED BUT WON'T TELL US ANYTHING!!
ssqq employee of month
ssqq logic club
||WHO WERE THE WINNERS
OF THE APRIL PUZZLE?
PEOPLE TIED FOR FIRST PLACE!!
NEW logic puzzle
tHE NEW SSQQ
LOGIC PUZZLE: MARA
RIVAS RECREATES "FRIENDS" AND RISKS HER REPUTATION!
joke picture of the month
PICTURES, ONE FUNNY, ONE IRONIC
WORST NEW PUN OF
TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL
GAME! Contributed by Judy
Contributed by Ann Faget
VENUS AND MARS
||Two Observations this
month, one from Tom Huddleston and one
Both are very similar.
CLEAN SIDE JOKES
Engineers Don't Need to Make as Much Money as Lawyers"
BLUE SIDE JOKES
FEMALE GORILLA" BY SSQQ INSTRUCTOR JILL BANTA
START OF THE HEADLINE STORIES SECTION
SCHEDULE OF CLASSES
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JUNE 2004 SCHEDULE
THE JUNE SCHEDULE OF SSQQ DANCE CLASSES -
START MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY!!
The June Dance Semester begins the week of Monday, May 31st
Don't forget you are perfectly welcome to start classes in the
Second Week of the May Dance Semester. By the way, please note that
Sunday classes in June (and July too) come at the END of the SSQQ
WEIRD START DATE: Normally we would start classes on Sunday, May
30th, but since this is Memorial Day Sunday, we decided to push the
start date till a week later. We run into the same problem in July:
Sunday is July 4th, so we start Sundays a week late in July as well.
Things return to normal in August.
HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JUNE 2004 SCHEDULE
Maureen Brunetti's SWING CHARLESTON II returns in June. This
high-energy course has always been a huge favorite at SSQQ. Taught
Sundays at 4:30 pm, Swing Charleston patterns are flashy,
eye-catching patterns that are fun to learn and awesome to see!!
Level I was very popular in May. Fortunately you are welcome to take
Level II without having taken Level I since the patterns are
completely different in the two sections.
Judy Archer will teach BEGINNING LATIN HUSTLE on Sunday evenings.
The Hustle is very similar to both East and West Coast Swing. The
music and timing are similar to West Coast Swing while the footwork
and patterns are similar to East Coast Swing. This course will be
taught swiftly since we assume you have had Intermediate
Swing/Jitterbug at SSQQ. This pre-requisite saves a lot of time and
allows the class to move at a much faster clip!!
The SSQQ Ballroom Program on Monday has 3 great courses this month.
We have our first ADVANCED TANGO class in a year. Rick Archer taught
the first two levels of Tango to sixteen brave and dedicated
students, but reached his Peter Principle level of incompetence
towards the very end. Now finally someone who knows what they doing
takes over!! On Mondays in June Judy Archer will teach as many
intricate and tough patterns as the students can handle!! This
course will not roll around again tomorrow, so definitely strike
while the anvil is HOT!
Speaking of "HOT", next comes SOME LIKE IT HOT on Mondays with
Charlene Tees. This excellent Intro to Latin Dancing class covers
four different Latin dances such as Cha Cha, Mambo, Samba, and
Rounding out the Monday list is a studio favorite: DANCING IN THE
MOONLIGHT. Taught by Rick Archer, this class covers 3 famous
Ballroom dances that share almost identical footwork - Foxtrot,
Waltz, and Rumba. Once you master the subtle differences in the
styling & timing, you will be learning 3 dances at once!! Learn to
dance to Sinatra Foxtrots ("The Way You Look Tonight"), smooth Jazz
Rumba music (Diana Krall's "The Look of Love"), and beautiful Irish
Waltzes ("Greensleeves")! Side Note: For all you people planning on
dancing with us on the SSQQ September Dance Cruise, this is the
perfect class to take to prepare for the Ballroom Dancing that
occurs every night of the trip!!
ADVANCED WESTERN WALTZ appears on Wednesdays with Sharon Crawford
and John Jones. The Intermediate level was so successful it filled
Room 1 with 100 people. Since crowding is a problem, we will likely
have to set a space limit for the class, so register swiftly.
BEGINNING NIGHT CLUB returns for the first time in 5 months on
Fridays with Anita. Every C&W album has 2 or 3 romantic slow songs.
Night Club is a dance that fits these ballads perfectly. The
reaction here at SSQQ has been very favorable to this sophisticated
dance. We will dedicate Room 6 exclusively to Night Club music for
you to practice after class!
Rick Archer teaches MARTIAN WHIP on Thursdays. Houston City WCS
champion Bryan Spivey and his partner Lisa Palmer teach the Friday
night sequel known as the MARTIAN XTRA class. There is no overlap
between the two nights which means you pay one price and get the
second class for free.
Unfortunately there are huge problems with the SSQQ Martian Whip
class. The big complaint about this unique program is the incredible
amount of material covered. "I can barely keep up with it all!!" Ah
gee, now isn't that too bad? Wah Wah. Hint: Try staying afterwards
for Practice Night. Furthermore our Friday Whip/WCS practice night
was so big last week that Gary D'Antoni almost talked me into taking
down the extra wall in Room 4. It was THAT crowded. And Michael
Friedberg almost talked me into stealing Room 1 back from the Salsa
people on Thursdays. It was THAT crowded. And one night there were 5
more men than women!! Imagine an advanced Whip class with more men
than women. That has to be a first. Problems Headaches Misery. It's
a wonder that they all survived in May.
SSQQ is introducing a new Saturday dance program known as SENORS AND
SENORITAS. It will be held from 1:30 to 3:30 pm. Taught by Milt
Oglesby and Susan Arevalo, this unique class is reserved strictly
for dance students over 50. It features all kinds of dancing and has
a built-in Practice Night at the end of each class. The four weeks
of classes will cover Beginning Swing Dancing, Ballroom Dancing,
Latin Dancing and Western Dancing. We will switch partners
constantly. (Please note if the boy-girl ratio is out of kilter, we
may ask a couple of ladies who are pretty good dancers to volunteer
to "lead" rather than follow in order to balance the class.) For
more information, visit
PARTIES IN MAY/JUNE
JUKEBOX SATURDAY NIGHT
Saturday, May 22, 9:15 - Midnight $7
CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM
BEG C&W : TEXAS TWOSTEP - Loni
DIRTY DANCING (Cpls Only) - Bryan
BEG WESTERN CHA CHA - Jill
BEG WESTERN WALTZ - Karen
WESTERN LINE DANCE - Mae
LINDA'S FAV DEATH VALLEY PTNS - Linda
Music: There are certain things that people like to complain about:
Taxes, Government, Politicians, and (you guessed it) DJs!!
The truth is people love to complain about the music anytime they go
dancing. Wrong song, wrong beat, too old, too fast, too slow, not
enough this, too much that… you know… you've been there yourself.
JUKEBOX SATURDAY NIGHT is the party where the dancers make the
requests. You pick the music!!
The idea behind the party is for our guests to pick the music. No
requests, no music. The DJ is like a Genie; he is simply there to
serve you! This party has been very popular for the past two years.
Everyone is positive they could pick better music than the DJ. Well,
here's your chance to prove it!
DANCE PARTIES IN JUNE
MUY CALIENTE SALSA PARTY
Saturday, June 12th, 9:15 - Midnight, $7 pm
Room 1 for this party is devoted strictly to Salsa Dancing.
Room 4 will feature Tango and requests. Room 6 will have Swing
CRASH COURSES AT MUY CALIENTE FROM 7-9 PM:
SALSA DIPS AND LUNGES II - Steve and Danielle
BACHATA - Linda
BEG SALSA MERENGUE - Jim
LATIN CHA CHA - Jill
JUDY'S FAV ADV SALSA PTNS - Judy
LATIN HUSTLE - The Infamous Disco Partner Dance - Kerry
THE FABULOUS SSQQ SOCK HOP SWING DANCE!
Saturday, June 26th, 9:15 - 1 am, Cover Charge $10.
CRASH COURSES AT THE SOCK HOP FROM 7-9 PM:
BEGINNING SWING - Linda
DIFFICULT SWING ACROBATICS - Paul (Couples Only)
BEG WEST COAST SWING - Bethany
SHAGGIE JITTERBUG - Rachel
SOCK HOP PARTY LINE DANCES - Rick
BRYAN'S SLEAZY BAR WHIP PTNS - Bryan Spivey
If you have never taken Rick's Sock Hop Line Dance class
before, this is your chance to learn 9 classic "Blast from the
Past" Line Dances including the Stroll, Hully-Gully, Cold
Sweat, Hand Jive, Harlem Shuffle, See You in September Cha
Cha, Twisting the Night Away, Land of 1000 Dances, and best of
all the legendary Grapevine Dance. A big part of the Sock Hop
is getting a crowd of 75 people out on the floor to perform
these line dances during the evening.
PS- For more fun, wear a 50s/60s outfit to the Line Dance
Crash Course with an eye towards staying for the annual SSQQ
Sock Hop afterwards!
Room 1 for this party is reserved for Swing and Jitterbug
Dancing plus all the crazy 50s Line Dances we perform at this
party. Room 4 is reserved Whip/WCS dancing to the great Whip
music of the 60s and 70s.
SSQQ has scheduled a 7-day Cruise aboard Royal
Caribbean's floating palace known as the "Rhapsody" at the end of
September. The dates for the sailing are Sunday, September 26, thru
Sunday, October 3.
As of Wednesday, May 19th, the price for this trip has just risen.
Inside Cabins have gone up $20 per person and Balconies have gone up
$50. The SSQQ Price is currently less expensive, but only until
Friday evening, May 21st!!
If you sign up today, you are guaranteed the original price. After
that the price will start to fluctuate every week. You can assume
realistically it is more likely to rise than fall.
The irony of this situation is that just one single month ago I had
egg all over my face because our Summer July 4th Cruise aboard
Carnival's Celebration was dying in the water. There was no buzz and
no wind in our sails. One person after another said, "If you had
scheduled the trip aboard the Rhapsody, I would love to have gone!!"
Amazingly, I decided to Listen to people. Imagine that. I even
decided to Give In and cancel the Carnival trip. Imagine that. And I
decided to Give people what they were asking for and jump ship over
to the Rhapsody. Imagine that.
And guess what? Everyone who encouraged me to switch ships stepped
up to the plate and signed on. In one single month we had 63 people
sign up for the September Trip!! Isn't it amazing what happens in
business when you actually give customers what they ask for?
And talk about BUZZ!! The noise about this new trip is practically
deafening. All those thuds you hear are from the Fence Straddlers
falling on the ground in their haste to join the stampede!!
What a difference a month makes. And there is still time to join us.
First of all, let's review why this trip will be great:
1. The SSQQ Welcome Back Cocktail Party on Day 1.
2. The SSQQ "Dancing at Sea" workshop on Day 2 as we prepare for the
evening's Big Band Dance.
3. The Captain's Reception Big Band Swing Dance on Day 2's Formal
4. Key West on Day 3. Let's hit an infamous bar and take a walk on
the wild side!
5. Dance Workshops on Day 4 in the beautiful "Shall We Dance"
Lounge. Tango anyone?
6. Day 5 in the beautiful and bizarre Cayman Islands where everyone
is richer than you are.
7. Day 6 Snorkeling and Beach Volleyball at Cozumel's gorgeous
8. SSQQ "Dancing at Sea" workshop on Day 7. Time for more Salsa
Rueda? Or maybe something else as the group decides.
9. Evening Shows and Group Dancing afterwards each night.
10. The Wicked Ever-present Danger of SSQQ Slow Dance and Romance.
I predict we will have the greatest dance cruise in SSQQ history
aboard the Rhapsody in late September. The prices are the lowest of
the year and I bet the Rhapsody will let our group use the beautiful
"Shall We Dance Lounge" with its great circular dance floor to our
heart's content. And you are bound to discover where the slogan
"Slow Dance and Romance" comes from.
Speaking of Romance, you guys had better wake up and join this trip.
There are many gorgeous, beautiful women signed up on this trip who
promise to make any man happy if he will just dance with them and
have some fun. Women go nuts when waves and ocean breeze get mixed
with Waltz - a very dangerous combination that the fair sex has no
defense against. The women are rendered practically helpless to any
man who can dance… But you have to be on board to get your reward…
Sign up Swiftly or you'll be sorry.
We will show off our dancing to the Big Band music of the Captain's
Reception and again at the Crown and Anchor Party. Come on board and
help us put on a terrific dance show for the crew and all the
Here's the deal: We are currently out of Inside Cabins except for a
couple openings for people who still haven't gotten a roommate yet.
The ship is selling out fast. There are only limited numbers of the
least expensive cabins left although there is plenty of space left
in Oceanview or on some of the higher level inside cabins.
It appears this trip will be a sellout. This means there is a good
chance the prices will increase as the trip gets nearer and demand
remains strong (which is likely).
Because the Royal Caribbean people are playing a mild game of
hardball, we can only guarantee the current prices through Friday,
May 21. After that Marla tells me we will still be able to book
people but the price may increase. SIGN UP TODAY.
If you change your mind you have until July 18th to back out, but a
$250 deposit TODAY guarantees you a spot whether you have a roommate
or not (we will find you a roommate).
We need a $250 deposit by May 21st to hold a spot. This money is
completely refundable up to the date of final payment on July 18th.
If you are interested in the trip, you should read more about it on
the SSQQ Web Site.
You can also call Marla Gorzynski at 713 862 4428 or email her at
(Editor's Note: By the way, I recently received the following note
from one of last years cruisers that I thought I should share with
Dear Rick, I just ran across my diary from last year's cruise and
wanted to let you know how I personally saved your life and that of
everyone from SSQQ a year ago. You don't have to thank me though.
Some deeds are their own reward. Love, Sandy.
What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly
honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and a
Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in
to his indecent proposals!
This afternoon I saved 1600 lives --- twice)
IMPORTANT CHANGES IN SSQQ PRACTICE NIGHT STARTING IN JUNE.
1) PRICE OF ADMISSIONS DROPS.
The price of admission will drop from $3 to $2 Sunday thru Thursday
for people taking classes THAT NIGHT. The price of admission will
remain $3 on Friday for people taking classes THAT NIGHT.
However once the Hall Monitor moves to her station in Room 6, the
price will jump one dollar to $3 Sunday through Thursday and will
rise to $5 on Friday.
The Discount is a reward for taking class that night. This $2 price
is a special feature exclusively for people who showed up for
classes that night and does not include students enrolled in classes
on another night or not enrolled at all.
Example 1: You are signed up for Beginning Salsa. You are signed up
for Beginning Salsa on Tuesday. To get some extra practice you also
show up for Salsa Class on Thursday. Afterwards you decide to stay
for Practice that same night. Charge is $2.
Example 2: You are signed up for Beginning Salsa on Thursday, but
work late. You show up for Practice Night on your way home at 9:10
pm before the Hall Monitor moves to Room 6. The charge will be $2.
Example 3: You are signed up for Beginning Salsa on Thursday, but
work late. You show up for Practice Night on your way home at 9:30
pm. The charge will be $3.
Example 4: You miss class but show up for Friday Night Practice
Night at 9:15 while the Hall Monitor is still collecting the money
in Room 1. Charge: $3. More power to you for showing up early.
Example 5: You show up for Friday Practice Night at 9:30 and the
Hall Monitor is sitting in Room 6 to greet you. The charge is $5.
In other words, to avoid the higher charge, you get a reward if you
come to class or come early.
2) PRE-CLASS PRACTICE NIGHT.
A major change is the creation of a new "Pre-Class Practice Night"
each evening 30 minutes before classes start. This will include 4 pm
on Saturday and Sunday. We will put dance music on in Room 1 and
Room 6 plus turn the TV on in Room 2. (Rooms 3, 4, and 5 will still
be reserved for private lessons.)
There will be no charge for this half-hour of dancing. However it
will only be open for people w a registration slip for a class that
evening - assume the Hall Monitor will be there to check your
If this program shows promise, we will take it from there.
MG ANSEMAN IS DOING MUCH BETTER,
Friday night, March 19, SSQQ Instructor MG Anseman suffered a
serious motorcycle accident near Gonzalez, Louisiana (just south of
Baton Rouge). MG had just finished visiting his ailing mother in the
hospital for what seemed likely the last time. (As he feared, MG's
mother passed away just two weeks later.)
MG was heading back to New Orleans to spend the evening with his son
when suddenly his bike hit a rock. The motorcycle fish-tailed out of
control making huge S-swerves. After a frightening 150-foot career
towards disaster, the bike finished its uncontrollable skid by
flying right over the edge of an 8-foot ditch on the side of the
road. Helpless to control the bike's path, MG was thrown clear of
the bike and landed left shoulder first on a gravel surface,
smashing the left side of his face and neck as well. Suffice it say,
MG was badly hurt.
(read the original story at
Thank goodness as we head towards the end of May, MG is doing much
better. In a phone conversation with him on Tuesday, May 18, I
learned that he is moving around just fine. He is able to go into
work every day for an hour or two.
The good new is that the numbness in his hand and arm has
disappeared. The bad news is that he got hit with a lot of brand new
pain when the numbness went away, but he is handling the pain with
frequent visits to an acupuncturist.
Another problem is that MG can't sleep for long periods, but he is
coping with this by listening to Jack Benard's Sleep Tapes. (Don't
we miss Jack!! But that's another story.)
I might add he has lost a lot of weight! MG says he is down to 200
lbs, the lightest he has been in ages. I was planning to kick his
butt just for the fun of it, but then I remembered he should be back
on his feet by July and changed my mind.
MG hopes to begin teaching again in July, but warns that August
might be more realistic. He misses the studio a lot and is going
nuts not being able to dance. By the way, MG hopes to drop by the
studio sometime Thursday evening, May 20th. In case you are out and
about, drop by the studio on Thursday and see if you can catch him!!
And thank goodness he survived!! Now we can tease him about not
wearing that helmet!!
One more thing: Don't forget, MG says please NO FLOWERS! He fears
flowers worse than Superman fears Kryptonite. So I strongly URGE all
of you NOT to bring any flowers on Thursday!! Remember: Don't bring
any flowers, got that? Repeat: Don't bring any flowers whatever you
BLACKMAIL, PASSION, AND
VANITY: THE STORY OF THE 2004 SSQQ MARDI GRAS TRIP!
This past February saw 39 Brave SSQQ Cruisers dare to walk down the
wicked streets of Mardi Gras straight into the center of New
Orleans, the infamous City of Sin!
Huge crowds, amazing Parades, pulsating Bands, Bead Tosses, Drinking
to Excess, as well as an unimaginable supply of nayked brests
awaited us. Yes, all the terrible things they say about Mardi Gras
turned out to be true. Even worse, we had a lot of fun! Yes, the
decadence of Mardi Gras rubbed off on us and we thoroughly enjoyed
We were even stupid enough to take pictures of our follies and
chronicle our adventures as well. Our reputations will be ruined
Along the way you will read about why our ship was forced to dock
100 miles from Mardi Gras, how an obstinate SSQQ woman ignored my
pathetic blackmail threat (and paid for it by having the entire
sordid story printed), how we were surrounded at all times by
and painted brests everywhere the eye see (with pictures to prove
that the men did everything possible to make sure no nayked brest
got ignored!), how a beautiful woman from our fell deeply in love
with a major celebrity on board, and how a handsome dashing member
of our group had way too much fun… and paid for it with a vicious
attack on his ego!
These stories of the trip, amazing pictures, and much more await
SSQQ STAFF UPDATES FOR MAY/JUNE
Recently we have had all sorts of problems with health on the SSQQ
For starters we have the accident poster boy, MG Anseman. He is
Next we have the two dancing divas, Rachel Seff Koenig and Anita
Williams, both sidelined with matching knee injuries. Both wonderful
ladies are now back in action and making me miserable again with
their smart mouths.
Martin Anderson has returned from having surgery. We are so grateful
for his swift recovery!
End of an era: Judy Archer and Martin Anderson have handed off their
beloved Salsa Dips and Lunges class to two new Salseros known as
Steve and Danielle (who will make their debut at the Muy Caliente
Salsa Party in June). Martin's surgery meant he wouldn't be able to
teach this class for a while and Judy figured it was time to hand
over the reins to the younger generation. I don't know what took her
so long. I handed off Acrobatics long ago. Ah, the joys of aging.
We have added Milt Oglesby and Susan Arevalo to our Staff as the
Senor and Senoritas instructors. Milt's story should be an
inspiration to all dancers. Milt has long been known for his ability
to dance without moving his feet. And now he is an instructor. Who
would ever have thought the person least likely to succeed in his
first dance class would get this far? Let that be a lesson to all of
you: Bribery and the willingness to work for mediocre pay will
overcome dancing ability and charm every time.
Special congratulations are in order for Bryan Spivey who has just
graduated from college!! Mind you, it took him seven years, but none
of us have the guts to ask why it took him so long. I assume he was
simply stringing out his athletic eligibility as long as he could
for all the free meals. All my teasing aside, nice work, Bryan! I
forget, what do you give new college graduates as a reward? Is this
the one where you spank them? Or is this the one where you hand them
some money for nothing? Do you buy them some Waterford crystal? Or
do you hand them some M&Ms and give them a big pat on the back? Or
do you dump a lot of work on them so the joys of early retirement
seem ever nearer? Let me know what the correct response is!!
WOMAN READY TO QUIT HER JOB AND
MOVE FROM KENTUCKY JUST TO BE AT SSQQ.
From: Sally Richardson
Sent: Thursday, March 25, 2004 12:29 PM
Subject: moving to Houston from Kentucky and finding a dance
Dear Mr. Archer:
I am thinking about moving to Houston and I have picked your
studio to be my new dance home. I recently finished my first dance
lessons at a studio in Lexington, KY. I fell in love with dancing
and have a great passion for it. As you know, passion drives
perfection. I would like to one day teach. Will you please guide
me and let me know what I have to do to become proficient. I am
willing to work hard. I am willing to rearrange my life to be able
to do this. I am even willing to quit my job and get another one
in order to dance. Please advise.
"You are passionate about dancing, yes, Sally? Why don't we
correspond a little before you go quitting anything and we can
take it from there.
(Editor's Note: Remember the Beatles went to India to find their
Maharishi? SSQQ is now a likely site for pilgrimages. We are so
A NEW BABY IN
From: Wil Coulbourn [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Wednesday, March 24, 2004 11:38 AM
Subject:New Baby in the house!
"So, if any of ya'll were wondering why I haven't been answering
email recently ;)
Our daughter arrived to join our little family last week. Jade
Kaitlyn Coulbourn was born at 11:39 am on St. Patrick's Day (March
17th, 2004). She weighed in at 6 lbs 2 oz and 18 ¾ inches long. Mom,
baby girl and big brother are all doing wonderfully. Although my son
Devyn is still adjusting to having some attention paid to this
little squirmy thing! And he seems a bit put out that we won't let
him play much with the new "toy."
For those of you interested, we have a few pics up on the website.
Got to http://www.kiwiland.org and click on the "Picture Gallery"
link on the left side.
(Editors Note: Wil Coulbourn aka Kiwi, was a long time Western
teacher on Fridays who resigned not to long ago to start family.
Looks like he is doing pretty well on that project!!
Congratulations! In the meantime, his successor and former assistant
Leo Skiba is doing well on Fridays in Wil's former spot.)
For the past two years, I have watched
with some concern as important real estate changes have taken place
around the Bissonnet shopping center SSQQ calls its home.
Last year I noticed when the tenants in the quiet building next to
Charlies BBQ were told to vacate the premises. After they left, that
building was expensively remodeled and is now home to "First Street
Surgical Center". You cannot have missed the iron gates and gorgeous
landscaping that now adorn its premises. So clearly this building
A big SSQQ story from a year ago was the illegal towing of SSQQ cars
from the abandoned Door Warehouse building at the edge of the SSQQ
parking lot. After the Door Warehouse went bankrupt, the space was
up for rent, but instead was purchased by the same people who also
own the First Street Surgical Center. The good news is the towing
threat seems to have disappeared. There are no threatening signs on
that building anymore and no incidents in over a year.
Two months ago I was informed by my landlord that he had decided to
sell the 4803 Bissonnet to Dr. Varon, who just happens to be the
owner of the First Street Surgical Center and the Door Warehouse
building. For anyone who has ever played Monopoly, Dr. Varon appears
to have accomplished a Monopoly of his own on the First
|Now comes further news that the Bellaire City Council has approved
plans for First Street Surgical Center to put up a Sky Bridge that
will connect the Surgical Center to the Door Warehouse building. In
other words, you will still be able to use that little secret
passage street that runs between the Surgical Center and Door
Warehouse, but there will be a sky bridge above your head.
The new owners of my building have not met with me yet so I am
uncertain as to the long-range plans. The rumor is they intend
to not disturb the leases of anyone in the 4800 Bissonnet
It has been suggested the reason they bid so aggressively on
this property was to acquire rights to the parking lot which
would in turn support their investment in the Door Warehouse
|This all remains to be seen. Another rumor is the addition of a
second story to the Door Warehouse building to meet the Sky Bridge
as well as added parking under and around the Door Warehouse
Further rumors have extensive new landscaping being added
to our shopping center by our obviously well-heeled new landlords.
That would be nice.
Now if they could just fit some of the potholes in our parking lot…
but let's give them time to ease in to the difficult task of
managing three extensive properties all at once.
I will keep you posted of new developments. In the meantime, here is
a story that I have reprinted from Kathleen Ballanfant's excellent
local newspaper, "Village and Southwest News":
CITY COUNCIL APPROVES BELLAIRE'S FIRST SKYBRIDGE
By Michelle Leigh Smith
Reprinted From The Village and Southwest
Bellaire will soon have its first skybridge, requested by the First
Street Surgical Center. Council voted unanimously to approve the
request after reconsideration of a previous direction given to the
Planning and Zoning Commission to determine whether the concept of
sky bridges should be allowed in the City of Bellaire.
Mayor Pro Tem Phil Nauert proposed an amendment directing City staff
to grant the permits for the skybridge since there was no existing
rules on the books about skybridges and secondly, to direct P&Z to
look into drafting skybridge guidelines.
"I could not support this amendment," said Pat McLaughlan. "I see
the City of Bellaire would be receiving no consideration for the
abandonment of street right of way.
Siegel explained that the amendment was not to abandon the ROW. The
ROW stays in our possession. I understood I may be a little slow,
but I'm having a real problem understanding what it is these people
want. The first few pages of the brochure are concentrated on the
Skybridge. They show extensive landscaping with palms and fountains.
It sounds like if they are doing this extensive landscaping over the
entire parking lot that they have an interest in the entire center
where Radio Shack is located. I think we need to deal with it in an
integrated manner. Cindy interjected, "Can I try to explain. The
issue is about the Skybridge. They have bought this whole area,
including the center. They bought the Door Warehouse, they are
putting $8.5 million in. The center will be upgraded and they will
add a new professional building where the Door Warehouse is."
Council voted Nauert had a point of order. "Public discussion is
closed. I don't think it's in our purview to tell them what to do
with the center. What an egregious extension of our effort beyond
what is legally allowed us. It is an opportunity only for us to make
a mistake. I would like us to continue only with discussion of the
matter at hand."
Davison said, "I think the one element that we're missing is fact
that we didn't do our housekeeping. I agree that in the absence of
an ordinance we should grant this."
Jeffrey asked if the city would be giving up any utilities
underneath the property.
"I think the way it is looks good," Jeffrey said. "I think it will
add tremendous value to our City."
Nauert's amendment passed 6 to 1, with McLaughlan dissenting.
The ordinance then passed unanimously.
TO BE CONTINUED IN OUR NEXT EPISODE OF 'AS
THE STUDIO TURNS'
JACK BENARD REVISITED
I wrote a story about the departure of much-loved Whip instructor
Jack Benard two months ago. I had a dozen people write back to thank
me for the story. Thank you for the nice words. Jack was a
magician who was a born teacher. I moved this story to a permanent
place on the ssqq web site. Anyone who missed the story is welcome
to read it here:
OF THE REGULAR FEATURES SECTION
COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH:
DOES SSQQ HAVE THE RIGHT TO INSIST A MALE STUDENT
MUST DANCE WITH A MALE INSTRUCTOR?
My In-Box has remained empty of complaints for about three months. I can't
remember the last time this happened. So I will simply revisit an issue I
brought up two months ago. First read the incidents, then read what some of
our Newsletter Readers decided to say about them.
INCIDENT ONE: CRUISE WOMAN PLAYS FAVORITES WITH OTHER DANCERS
On the Mardi Gras cruise trip, I taught a Beginners Cha Cha workshop aboard
the ship. The class was free; anyone could join. We even had a woman from
Los Angeles show up who had met our group in the infamous Hot Tub.
At the start we had 20 people including 9 men and 11 women. I asked one of
my advanced woman dancers if she would mind dancing Lead, a term that more
or less means dancing the boy's part. Although I hadn't asked her in
advance, the lady was nice enough to agree to dance lead as she had on our
previous cruise as well. Her sacrifice balanced the class perfectly.
As most of you know, in our classes we rotate partners frequently. This time
however someone threw a monkey wrench into my plans. After the second or
third rotation, the Lead lady offered to dance with another woman member of
our group. The woman flatly refused to dance. Instead the woman sat down in
a chair and watched instead, leaving the Lead Lady standing there wondering
what to do. I watched the entire scene in quiet fury.
It has been my experience over the years that women do not mind dancing with
other women. This took me by complete surprise and the "Lead Lady" as well.
Flustered by the rejection, now the lady who had once been willing to dance
lead didn't want to "Lead" any more. Instead she switched back to being a
girl. After a putdown like that, I didn't blame her a bit.
Immediately two other ladies showed up. Their arrival coupled with the
original Lead Lady's defection back to the Girl's Team meant the Lead-Follow
ratio was way out of unbalance. I knew this was going to happen - this was
the reason I had asked the advanced lady dancer to dance Lead in the first
place. But Miss Rejection's move effectively ruined those plans.
Miss Rejection had another surprise for me. Whenever we rotated again, if
the man was a good dancer, Miss R would pop up out of her seat to dance with
him. But if the next guy wasn't a good dancer, she developed the unusual
habit of sitting back down only to jump back up again if she considered the
next man worthy of being allowed to dance with her.
As you can imagine, I didn't like this stunt one bit. Did I say anything?
No. I had never encountered such a high level of rudeness before. Since she
was part of the group, I didn't see the point of calling her down. The main
reason I said nothing is that it is impossible to discuss an issue this
sensitive on the spot. How am I going to take her into a corner and talk
about this without the other students watching?
Don't forget, if I single her out on the spot or toss her out of the class,
the rest of the trip will be effectively ruined for her. Furthermore, it
interrupts the class. What are they supposed to do during our conversation?
We only had the room for a limited time so I decided to press on.
My question is: What should I have done? What would you have done? What
would Miss Manners do? Does Miss R have the right to participate in the
class? Or should I have asked her to leave? Or asked her to stay in her seat
if she wasn't going to rotate like everyone else?
I would like to know what to do the next time something like this happens.
Therefore I am soliciting advice.
I will print all comments anonymously in the next newsletter or list your
name if you ask me to.
INCIDENT TWO: A MALE STUDENT REFUSES TO DANCE WITH RICK IN CLASS.
Is there a Twilight Zone? After the Cha Cha incident, an eerily similar
situation presented itself to me just three weeks later.
In the first two weeks of my Beginning Western Swing class, there had been
more women than men. My two excellent lady assistants, Mona and Kerry, had
danced the Lead part to balance out the class. However in the third week
there was a surprising surplus of men.
Even with Mona and Kerry dancing as women again, there were still four more
men than women. I explained to the entire class that I had decided since we
were so out of balance for a while I would dance the "Follow Part".
Addressing the group, I said this might make some of the men uncomfortable,
but that I would appreciate their cooperation since I felt I could improve
their leads this way.
The fourth man that rotated to me suddenly stepped back and decided not to
dance with me. At first I was ready to look the other way, but then I
changed my mind. I realized that although none of the other men had seemed
particularly happy to dance with me, at least they had cooperated.
Over the years I have discovered that every time I make an exception, it
comes back to bite me. I firmly believed that if each man in the room saw me
allow one guy to brush me off, then some of the others would soon follow.
This same man had once done the exact same thing to me in the exact same
class! The first time this happened a year earlier I told him the next time
he came around I expected him to dance with me. He left the room before
rotating to me again.
In other words, he respected me enough to repeat my class, but he didn't
respect me enough to dance with me.
So I said, "Please either dance with me or leave." Without a word, he left.
I did not like this incident one bit when it happened and I still don't like
it. I did not enjoy confronting the gentleman nor did I enjoy making him
feel uncomfortable by insisting he dance with me. Again, the problem was
that I wasn't in a position to bargain or reach a compromise while I am
teaching a class. Any conversation not only disrupts my class, but also
serves to call unwanted attention to the student.
I have to consider the entire group. The men have paid me to teach them how
to dance. I think I have the right to dance with them whenever the situation
calls for it.
Unfortunately I am not convinced I did the right thing. I think what I
should do in the future is play the "Alamo Game", i.e. draw a line in sand
ahead of time. First I will announce I am dancing as a "Follow" and explain
it is strictly professional. Then before I dance with any man (or ask any
woman to dance with a woman), I will ask if this causes a problem for anyone
and say if they are unwilling to rotate they are welcome to sit down ahead
of time and watch for the remainder of class.
Again, I would like to know what other people think. As before, I will print
any comments anonymously or list your name if you specify you wish me to.
HERE ARE THE RESPONSES TO MY QUESTION:
"I don't think there is any way to force adults to dance with same-sex
partners. What I would suggest is, at the break, you politely ask them to
dance with same-sex partners. But if they don't want to, don't force the
issue; just ignore them. Maybe switch more often so everyone has more
chances to dance with opposite-sex partners.
I always enjoyed taking classes with you because of your enthusiasm. Even
though you had taught each class hundreds of times, you made it fresh for
new students. Not all teachers have that ability."
"My principle is basically always the same..."the customer is always right".
There are exceptions, of course, but in management it must be the first rule
I think the man (or ladies) position should be honored. Just let the
rotation continue to the next person. In time, the person will get more
comfortable with the idea if not in that class, then maybe the next class.
It does take getting used to for a lot of men, I am sure.
I think it should be introduced only in the more advanced classes where
there has been, at least, the idea of rotating accepted. My guess is that
after the individual sees his peers willing to dance with the same sex, he
(she) will finally "get over it" and accept the arms of the same sex. Peer
pressure alone will accomplish it. A friendly grin from the "instructor" as
he comes around and maybe a simple question such as "not ready yet?" is
probably all that is necessary. Eventually, the student will say okay...and
all will be happy."
"Concerning your question(s) about dance partners in the classes. I have to
confess that as much as I like to think of myself as broad minded, I would
be very uncomfortable dancing with a male partner. I might do it just not to
cause a fuss, but I'm not promising. As it happens, the class Sharon and I
are taking now, "Three Left Feet" had three extra men in it the 1st week
(the first time this has happed in all the classes we've taken). We men did
what the ladies often have to do, we air danced sometimes. I don't like it
much (especially since I brought a girl with me), but it seems like the best
alternative. If my choice is to air dance or dance with a male partner, I'll
air dance. You can shake your head, wag your finger at me, call me a
Neanderthal, but that's the way I feel.
Moving on to the woman in your class who would only dance with 'certain' of
the men. I think you needed to call her on it. As far as the other students
watching, do you really think they didn't notice and weren't aware of the
situation? I'm sure the men who were snubbed noticed. If the rule is you
HAVE to switch partners, then I think that means you don't get to pick and
choose who you dance with. I think the choice you should have given her was
to dance with all the men, or not dance with any - air dance alone , or
leave. (This is a totally different situation than a lady wanting to avoid a
man being rude or grabby or obnoxious).
Well, you asked, so there's my two cents."
"Gee Whiz Rick. I'm an ex-Marine, a motorcycle rider (Southern Cruisers
club), I have a tattoo on my shoulder of a bulldog with the word "Devildog"
beneath it, and you want me to declare that I would be O.K. dancing with a
Within the very narrow parameters you describe below (and once every 15
rotations) I could probably do it. Picture phones off, no cameras, no
recording devices. That's my best offer."
(Editors Note: I still remain at a loss what the best approach is. When I
have more time, maybe I will figure it out. As it is, I currently avoid
dancing with men whenever possible and no one seems to complain about that
at all. As a result, my ability to teach leads - something I am very good at
- has been crippled.)
BEST NEW JOKES OF THE
Over the years, we have
been sent countless numbers of jokes by our Newsletter Readers.
We have kept what we thought were the best. At this point
we have now have a Hall of Fame collection of over 600 jokes.
Many of them are real gems. We rotate these jokes on a monthly
basis so over the year you get to read them all.
In addition to our
"Classics", we also get many new jokes each month sent in by our
students. This section contains our favorites. At
the end of each year we add these jokes to the "Immortal
By the way, getting a
joke selected isn't very easy since we have been collecting
jokes for so long. It's tough to find a new one. So if you
send in a great joke and nothing ever happens, trust us - it is
already on the Web Site. If you don't believe us, email
and ask about your joke!! I am serious. I will show you
where the joke is.
We greatly appreciate any jokes you would like to submit. Send
them to Rick Archer at email@example.com
The Lion Tamer - Chris Holmes
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show
One is a good-looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other
is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys
better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --
chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the
whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion
starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half
way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves,
kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes
and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never
seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older
man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
The Catholic Horses - Pat Roberts
Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He
loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there
betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a
priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of
the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse
-- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as
the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on
the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the
window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had
blessed won the race.
Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The
priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
Bubba was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the
horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some
serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams
were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would
tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track
before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and
hooves of one of the horses.
Bubba bet every cent and watched the horse come in dead last. He
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he
demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and
they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now
I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple
blessing and the Last Rites."
An Update on the Cinderella Story - Leroy Ginzel
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the
now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair,
watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named
Bob sitting on her lap for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an
exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which
your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was
wonderful but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth
on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension". Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid
Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I
were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At
once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more
wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and
says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind
and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man
so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy
your new life!"
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy
godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each
other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most
beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Bob stared
back with an odd frown on his face. Cinderella felt a mysterious
wave of passion begin to overtake her, easily the most powerful
surge since the early days of courtship with her Prince.
But Bobcat was more handsome, more powerful, and certainly more
affectionate than Prince had ever been. "My goodness," she
thought, "imagine being overcome with desire for my cat!!"
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. A
shiver ran down her body. She didn't think she could hold out
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered, "Don't you wish you didn't have me Neutered??"
The Three Tests - Judy Walsh
A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the
counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man
guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches
the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass three tests, you get
all the money." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do.
First you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila...
the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while
doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a
sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has never
reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things
right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an
idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of
pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more,
he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon with both
hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down
both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and
soon, all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle
going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy
screaming, the pit bull yelping and then.... silence. Just when
they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all
over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
The Blonde Sells Her Car - Judy Walsh
A blonde was having a lot of trouble selling her old car because
it had 250,000 miles on it. One day she told her problem to a
brunette coworker at the salon. The brunette told her, "There's
a possibility that I can make the car easier to sell but it's
"I don't care," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the
"Okay, then," said the brunette, "here's the address of my
friend who owns a car repair shop in Boulder City. Tell him I
sent you and he'll turn the odometer back on your car to 50,000
miles. That'll make it easier to sell it."
The following weekend the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
A week or so later the brunette remembered to ask the blonde if
she'd sold the car.
"No," the blonde replied, "why should I? Ever since he fixed it,
it's only got 50,000 miles on it!"
SSQQ EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
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This award goes to an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the
call of duty. In any given month, there are always at least 100 quiet
acts of simple kindness performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the
person gets no credit, but our organization benefits from the gratitude.
The problem for me is that these many moments usually occur way under my
radar. So if you have an instructor to nominate, please
let me know and why!!
On the other hand,
sometimes the move is dramatic enough to catch my eye so I can say something
Last month I wrote a long article about the SSQQ's Newsletter problems
caused by Time Warner's Roadrunner Cable service.
If it hadn't been for Susan Schroeder, I would probably still be stuck in
the mess they caused by their lack of communication.
For the past three months the SSQQ Newsletter that we email out to our
students past and present have been getting rejected at a phenomenal rate.
For example at this time last month I sent out 6,300 Newsletter emails.
1,990 emails got through and 4,400 had failed. No one could explain to me
what was wrong. I had no clue what had gone wrong.
Susan Schroeder was the person who came up with the first clue. Curious
about a bizarre virus warning message that directed her to the Roadrunner
web site, she poked around and discovered the following message buried
somewhere deep within the Roadrunner policy section.
"Currently, a Road Runner subscriber can send e-mail to 1,000 recipients per
day per IP on the outbound e-mail servers."
The company had not bothered to explain this to anyone. They just imposed
the policy and if it screwed up someone's business, then tough. If it hadn't
been for Susan digging around looking for answers, the SSQQ Newsletter would
still be getting rejected at a phenomenal rate and I would have an ulcer.
There is a saying, "Beware the Boss who praises Intelligent Women; he is
preparing to let them make him rich." It sure helps to have some bright
ladies working for you, huh!
Thank you, Susan.
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THE WINNERS OF
LAST MONTH'S SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE
SEATING AT THE HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME
The April logic puzzle dealt with the seating arrangement of
Freshman at a high school basketball game. I received more nice
compliments about this puzzle than any other puzzle I have
listed. It turns out to be one of my favorites too.
So here are this month's champions:
1. Susan Arevalo (Nine months in a row!)
2. Ritesh Laud (Third month in a row!)
3. Jeff and Connie Woodman (Ten months in a row!)
4. Ann Faget (Ten months in a row!)
5. Mara Rivas (Welcome Back!!)
In the past week I have had two SSQQ students email me with the
correct answer to the legendary Einstein Logic Puzzle which
lives here on the SSQQ Web Site at http://ssqq.com/archive/vinlin06.htm
Both Sorrell Warren and Gary D'Antoni aced this difficult puzzle
on their first try although Gary had the nerve to complain he
"wasted" some of valuable time.
Here is what he said, "I managed to waste 43 valuable minutes of
my time solving this. But, after you start, you just can't stop,
Oh yes, logic puzzles are such vices, aren't they?
So I made a special effort to invite Sorrell and Gary to join
the SSQQ Logic Club and play with the big boys and girls! We
will check back in a month and see if they held their own.
By the way, we could use some new players in the SSQQ Logic
Club. Check out this month's new puzzle and send me an answer!!
THE NEW LOGIC PUZZLE
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SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE
THE JUNE SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE:
MARA RIVAS BUYS A CONDO AND INVITES ALL HER FRIENDS TO LIVE WITH
Mara Rivas was getting sick and tired of driving back and forth
back and forth between her house and the SSQQ Dance Studio. She
often joked to her friends she ought to just sleep on the couch
and save a lot of time. Then one day she noticed a condo for
sale right across the street from the studio!!
After some inquiries and some hustling, Mara managed to buy the
condo and then she invited all her best friends to come live
with her!! At first, Marlies, Mack, Nancy, George, and James
were all excited. They thought were being asked to move in with
Mara as roommates for free!!
Then they got a little confused and thought all six of them were
about to become the SSQQ version of "Friends". Several people
drooled with anticipation at just how friendly things might get!
Mara's reputation was in great peril for a moment there.
Then they finally figured it out and realized they were actually
expected to move into separate apartments and expected to pay
rent to boot. Too bad, so sad. Fortunately they managed to keep
their disappointment to themselves.
Now it is your job to figure out which apartment each Friend
ended up moving into. Good luck!
Will Sorrell and Gary be able to hang with the ultra-logicals??
Will Mara's reputation be destroyed by a wrong answer? Mara's
new roommate is who?? Or whom?? Mara will definitely need to
solve this one just to find out what rent to charge everyone.
Find out next month!!
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THE WORST SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH
(There is no such thing as a
THE SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH: Take Me Out to the Ball Game!
Contributed by Judith Walsh
Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game....
Remember, this is a detective story...so pay CLOSE attention!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Cubs
baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the
ballpark. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying
themselves immensely, mixing the Jack Daniels with soft drinks.
Soon, they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game
has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the information given above, what inning is it and how
many players are on base?
Think some more!
You got it yet?
You're gonna love it....
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded...."
THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH
Submitted by Ann Faget
Okay, admit that you don't know the answer. Let's try multiple
a) Spear chucker in a play
b) Mega Accountant to Donald Trump
c) Math Whiz
d) Van Helsing's next enemy
e) A Statistician
f) Mara's newest tenant
g) too many people in an over-crowded room
h) the latest Salsa Dance
I) a new star on the horizon
If you want to know the answer, click here.
By the way, everyone gets to play this game. Ann sent hers in
just a couple weeks ago. If you have a good vocabulary word,
send it in!! Best word each month gets a free practice night. Be
sure to add a sentence!
Thank you, Ann!
By the way, everyone gets to play this game. Ann sent hers in just a couple
weeks ago. If you have a good vocabulary word, send it in!! Best word each
month gets a free practice night. Be sure to add a sentence!
SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND
SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: SSQQ DANCE INSTRUCTORS RANDY
WINFREY AND MELISSA GAUTHIER GET ENGAGED!!
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Monday, April 19, 2004 12:46 PM
To: Melissa Gauthier; Winfrey, Randy
Subject:slow dance and romance engagement?
Hi Randy and Melissa,
I heard a rumor you were engaged. If it is true, I am very happy
for you since I have enjoyed so much watching you grow closer
Would you mind writing something that I could put in the
newsletter to share with the group??
Thanks!! Rick Archer
From: Winfrey, Randy
Sent: Monday, April 19, 2004 1:56 PM
To: 'Rick Archer'
Subject:RE: slow dance and romance engagement?
Yes, it's true. I asked Melissa to marry me this past Friday,
April 16, no date yet as we are working on that.
Sure, no problem. We'll get something together for you!!
(Editor's Note: Randy promised me he would send me some details
about the engagement but as we go to press has sent nothing in.
Melissa's email bounces every time I pester her. This has been
going on for a month. So that's it for this announcement. Maybe
they can send us some details next month!! Give them a hard time
for me, okay?)
SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: BETTY MOORE AND LARRY AVANT GET
(Editor's Note: I have really lost my reporter's touch this year
in the Romance category. Two months ago I listed Marian
Schoppe's engagement to an anonymous man!! This month I have
nothing on Randy and Melissa and nothing on Larry and Bette. My
nose for Love must have the flu. But in Bette's case it wasn't
for lack of trying!!)
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Thursday, April 22, 2004 3:50 PM
To: Bette Avant
Subject: congratulations, Betty!!
I am so happy for you Betty! That's great. How did you meet
Larry? Was he part of your back and forth commute from San
Antonio to Houston??
Give me some details!!
From: Bette Avant
Sent: Thursday, April 22, 2004 3:59 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: congratulations, Betty!!
Nope, but Larry's in the same business I'm in. He's a law firm
administrator also. That's all I'm saying. No secret details for
you! I know I'd be reading them in your newsletter and I
embarrass too easily.
See you soon. Bette (Moore) Avant
(Editor's Note Again: At least you see I tried to dig up some
TRY TRY AGAIN: SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: MARIAN SCHOPPE AND
MIKE JONES GET ENGAGED!!
From: Janet Schoppe
Sent: Tuesday, April 06, 2004 5:55 PM
Subject: News on John Doe
Today I called Marian again and told her she had to email the
scoop to you or I couldn't go back to the dance studio! She
promised she would email you so that I could attend class this
week. Then I checked the site and saw you had already written
something in the newsletter!
John Doe is really Mike Jones. Marian and I met Mike on the
cruise and I could tell Mike was sweet on Marian from the first
time they met. Mike wears cowboy boots and a cowboy hat quite a
bit. From what Marian says, he is a good western dancer. She did
say they may try and take a ballroom dance class before the
That is about all I have for now. Now that Marian realizes you
are going to maim me, hopefully she will hurry up and send the
story to you. She also promises to send a picture. In the
meantime, I guess I need to be prepared to turn on the dance
floor 100 times !!!!!
See you in class.
(Editors Note: At least Someone came through, albeit a little
late. Better late than never. Thank you, Janet!!)
VENUS AND MARS
Contributed by Tom Huddleston (sent to SSQQ in March 2003)
June CS 32: Why Men Lie - Tom Huddleston
While a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden
axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a rusty beat-up old
iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all
three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily. One
day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the
woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord in appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer
Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "YOU CHEAT! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is merely a
misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no'
to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say
'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a
poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives,
so that's why I said yes this time."
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is always for
an honorable and useful reason . . .
THE VENUS MARS OBSERVATION OF THE MONTH NUMBER ONE
Contributed by Donna Ruth in May 2004 adding the comment "Not
that we lie, but if we did…"
WHY WOMEN LIE
One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden
thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river.
When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, why
she was crying.
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes! Oh yes!!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is not your husband!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you
would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him,
you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,'
you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to sew enough to take
care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a
good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
(Editors Note: Is it my imagination or do these two stories seem
RETURN TO HEADLINES
RETURN TO REGULAR FEATURES
THE SSQQ CLEAN
SIDE JOKE PAGE
Clean Side Jokes
Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to
receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have
compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the
year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes"
column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your
jokes will become immortal!!
Last year we had 7 new jokes published in the April 2003
Newsletter that have been added to our "Hall of Fame" entries
listed below. Drum Roll please for the wonderful contributions
of Tom Huddleston, my favorite aunt Lynn Griffiths, and frequent
contributors Chris Holmes, Judy Walsh, and Leroy Ginzel. You can
their contributions among the regular June Clean Side Jokes
My favorite jokes from June include two excellent Engineer
jokes, a highly misunderstood set of professionals that are
easily teased because they lack the verbal skills to fight back.
One joke even has the Engineers triumphing over that hated
profession known as the Lawyers. It is so clever I featured it
as the joke of the month. Another good joke to check out is the
"Hero and the Biker Gang" joke, a classic!
June Clean Side Jokes
June CS 01: Mom's Driver's License - Gary Richardson
June CS 02: Sunbathing Nude - Leslie Wagner
June CS 03: Son in College - Reza Taherian
June CS 04: Father and Son - Rick Archer
June CS 05: Understanding Engineers - Jill Banta
June CS 06: The Blonde & the Hwy Patrolman - Hieronymous
June CS 07: Engineers Are Smarter Than Lawyers - Jill Banta
June CS 08: The Beautiful Senorita - Gary Richardson
June CS 09: Wild, Wild West - Sylvia Key
June CS 10: Three Turtles - Patty Jones
June CS 11: The Hero and the Biker Gang - Donna Ruth
June CS 12: Catholic Mothers Bragging about their Sons - Jon
June CS 13: Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars - Ann Bush
June CS 14: Sleepless in Seattle - Patty Jones
June CS 15: Better Work on Your Short Game - Joanne Armstrong
June CS 16: Clinton and the Sooey Pigs - Mary Collins
June CS 17: The Mistress - Ralph Volz and Patty Jones
June CS 18: The Dog Who Liked Football - Sharon Russell
June CS 19: The Sailor Finds a Room - Sharon Russell
June CS 20: Signs Seen in Hotels Around the World - Michael
June CS 21: Aggie Funeral Director - Kathleen Parker
June CS 22: The Hearing Aid - Mike Guillory
June CS 23: The Lawn Mower - Mike Guillory
June CS 24: The Fishing Trip - Mike Guillory
June CS 25: Judgment Day - Mike Guillory and Pat Roberts
June CS 26: Cannibal Dinner Plans - Joseph Stuteville
June CS 27: The Pope and the Chauffeur - Joseph Stuteville
June CS 28: The Catholic School - Leroy Ginzel
June CS 29: Mood Swings - Judy Walsh
June CS 30: Colored Folks - Leroy Ginzel
June CS 31: A Father-Daughter Talk About Politics - Chris Holmes
June CS 32: Why Men Lie - Tom Huddleston
June CS 33: A Frenchman, a German, and an Englishman - Chris
June CS 34: Saddam - Lynn Griffiths
Each month I reprint one of my favorite jokes of all time in the
Newsletter. This month I shine the SSQQ Hall of Fame Spotlight
June CS 07: Why Engineers Don't Need to Make as Much Money
Submitted by Jill Banta
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy expensive
first-class tickets and watch with scorn as their three engineer
companions buy only a single ticket.
"How are you three people going to travel on only one ticket ?"
asked a lawyer out of curiosity.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. With that, the
whole group boarded the train. The lawyers take their respective
seats, then laugh hysterically as they see the three engineers
cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. Holding his nose, the conductor
takes it and quickly moves on.
Well, the lawyers roar with approval and give each other High
5s. They like a good scam as much the next guy. The lawyers
discuss the ploy and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the conference ends, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money. They realize they don't
need to cheat, but can't help themselves. They do it anyway.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their surprise, the engineers don't buy a ticket
at all. This time the lawyers scratch their heads. These
engineers are trickier than they gave them credit.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one
"Watch and you'll see" says an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train
departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his
restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are
hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please!"
RETURN TO HEADLINES
RETURN TO REGULAR FEATURES
RETURN TO SPECIAL FEATURES
BLUE SIDE JOKES!
The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great
secrets of the SSQQ web site. It is
your reward for taking dance classes at SSQQ.
Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have
All you need to do to get the address is to email me from
the email address you use to register for classes and request it.
Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world
and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of
“Dirty Jokes”, each month we manage to find one that is
printable. Please see below!!
(Editor's Note: The Blue Side of Town Joke Page is one of the
great secrets of the SSQQ web site. Anyone who is on the SSQQ
Registration List is welcome to have access. This means if you
get the Newsletter, you are invited to visit the naughty jokes
Bad news - I discovered some kids were circulating this address
around town, so I have moved it to a new location. In the
meantime, you can still read the three "Newest" Blue Jokes at
April BS 22: It Could Get Worse - Chris Holmes
April BS 23: The Dangerous Looking Biker - Chris Holmes
April BS 24: The Mini Skirt - Gary Richardson
All you need to do to get the new address is to email me from
the email address you use to register for classes and request
June Blue Side Jokes
June BS 01: Martian Whip - Donna Ruth
June BS 02: What Kind of Tree is Thee? - Michael Rutenberg
June BS 03: The Brest Stroke Competition - Jill Banta
June BS 04: Helga and the Beer - Kerry Pelham
June BS 05: The Explanation - Ralph Volz
June BS 06: The Parrot - Gary Richardson
June BS 07: Jack and Jill - Kerry Pelham
Joke BS 08: Girl's Night Out! - Joanne Armstrong
Joke BS 09: The Stutter - Jon Holverson
Joke BS 10: The Sisters and the Stalker - Mary Collins
Joke BS 11: Bull Story - Debbie Awad
June BS 12: Twenty Four Hours to Live - Kathleen Parker
June BS 13: The Female Gorilla - Jill Banta
June BS 14: The Foul-Mouthed Hocker - Hieronymous Anonymous
June BS 15: The Newlyweds Lose Their Appetite - Judy Walsh
June BS 16: The Voodoo Pennis - Judy Walsh
June BS 17: The Priests Take the Test - Pat Roberts
June BS 18: The English Professor - Carole Nelson
June BS 19: Vigagra - Lynn Bevis
June BS 20: The Virgin Bride - Red Draper
Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only
SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of "Dirty
Jokes", each month we manage to find one that is on the edge of
printable. This next joke is one of my very favorites.
Contributed by SSQQ Instructor Jill Banta, it is a classic
display of very poor judgment on my part by printing it… which
automatically means it's a great joke! By the way, if you don't
understand it, please ask Jill to explain it to you. Enjoy!
START OF THE SPECIAL FEATURES SECTION
SPECIAL FEATURE ONE
CHUCK YEAGER HAS THE RIGHT STUFF AND THE WRONG STUFF
February 20, 2004
Sam Sheppard made Chuck Yeager famous in "The Right Stuff". Now
Chuck Yeager, American World War II flying ace and the first
test pilot to break the sound barrier, is being sued by three of
his four children.
Yeager's children are suing their father over ownership of a
1.2-hectare, $US1.35 million ($A1.7 million) ranch in Penn
Valley. A trial is set for May in Nevada County Superior Court.
Susan Yeager, the principal plaintiff, is suing her father over
alleged attempts by his new wife to exert "undue influence" that
will alienate him from the family.
Yeager, 81, the subject of the book and movie "The Right Stuff",
married 45-year-old Victoria Scott D'Angelo in August.
But in the lawsuit, Yeager's daughter, 53, alleges that D'Angelo
has been "fraudulent," "malicious" and "oppressive".
Susan and Don Yeager and Sharon Flick are children from Yeager's
45-year marriage to Glennis Yeager, who died of cancer in
"Ms D'Angelo's larger scheme (is) to alienate Mr Yeager from his
family and acquire his estate for herself," the lawsuit said.
Yeager says his children are simply upset because his new wife
would be entitled to his money when he dies. It is his money and
he thinks it is his right to disperse it as he pleases.
A DEAD MAN WITH A TALE TO TELL
By SHANNON BUGGS
For 27 months, David Jokinen was dead.
Not literally, but financially.
J.P. Morgan Chase Bank confused his Social Security number with
his deceased mother's when converting a joint credit card to his
name after her April 2001 death.
The bank then told credit bureaus Equifax, Trans Union and
Experian Information Solutions that David Jokinen was deceased.
Two of the financial data companies stopped assigning Jokinen a
credit score because they had him listed as dead.
Without a credit score, Jokinen could not refinance the mortgage
on his Sugar Land home or qualify for a 0.9 percent loan to buy
a used luxury car.
The small-business owner says his fight to get the bank and
credit bureaus to correct the mistake cost him more than
$250,000 in out-of-pocket expenses, unnecessary interest charges
and time lost from work.
Now he wants them to pay him back.
On Tuesday, Jokinen filed a federal lawsuit in Houston against
Chase, the credit bureaus and an Equifax subsidiary.
Spokesmen for Chase and Equifax declined to comment about the
The other credit reporting agencies did not return calls seeking
Jokinen says all of the defendants were negligent, intentionally
spread false information about him and violated the Fair Credit
and Reporting Act in the way they handled his requests to
correct the mistake.
The 42-page complaint describes Jokinen's journey to resurrect
his financial life.
He wrote letters, made calls, filed complaints with the Federal
Trade Commission and testified before a Congressional committee.
Nothing worked until he convinced television stations and
newspapers to report on his plight.
When contacted about Jokinen's situation by the local CBS
affiliate and the Houston Chronicle, Chase apologized and
promised to fix the error.
At the time, Jokinen said he did not accept the apology and that
he planned to sue.
The lawsuit says "it was not until the end of August 2003 when
the inaccurate Chase Bank/Chase trade lines were removed from
his credit reports and he was no longer 'deceased.' "
Since then, Jokinen has tried to get the companies to reimburse
him for his troubles and restore his credit rating to what it
was before the mistake was made.
"There might still be some negative information reflected on his
credit report because of excessive inquiries by Chase," said
Kamran Mashayekh, an attorney with the Tien law firm, which
But Mashayekh said the companies again ignored Jokinen. That is,
until the lawsuit was filed.
"We couldn't get anybody's attention to remedy the problem,"
Mashayekh said. "Now, we are hopeful that we will have this
SPECIAL FEATURE THREE
EVER HEAR OF THE DARWIN AWARDS??
March 10, 2004, 12:16AM
NEW MASONIC MEMBER KILLED BY GUN DURING INITIATION
By PATRICK HEALY
New York Times
PATCHOGUE, N.Y. -- The initiation rituals at the Masonic lodge
had been bathed in secrecy. The climax of Monday night's
ceremony was to be a simple prank. A new member of the Fellow
Craft Club, a select group within the lodge, would sit in a
chair while an older member stood 20 feet away and fired a
handgun loaded with blanks.
That ritual went terribly wrong inside Southside Masonic Lodge
No. 493, in a basement littered with rat traps, tin cans, a
9-foot-tall guillotine, and a setup designed to mimic walking a
The shooter, a 76-year-old Mason, Albert Eid, was carrying two
guns, a .22-caliber handgun with blanks in his left pocket, and
a .32-caliber gun with live rounds in his right pocket.
He reached into his right pants pocket, pulled out the wrong gun
and shot William James, a 47-year-old fellow Mason, in the face,
killing him, the authorities said.
Eid, a World War II veteran who had a license to carry his own
pistol and often did, pleaded not guilty Tuesday afternoon to a
charge of manslaughter. He was wearing his blue Masonic jacket
during his arraignment.
Suffolk County police called the shooting an accident, the
consequence of one man's confusion during a decades-old ritual.
The incident exposes this centuries-old secret society to a rare
degree of public scrutiny.
Late Monday night, police carried evidence and ritual objects
out of the Masons' one-story lodge in Patchogue. All day
Tuesday, television trucks and curious neighbors examined the
club's bricked-over windows and peered into the front door to
glimpse a bulletin board announcing the order's recent charity
Masonic leaders statewide were quick to disavow the ritual and
shooting, saying it was not Masonic custom to shoot guns at
other members. Ron Steiner, a spokesman for the New York State
Grand Lodge of Free and Accepted Masons, which oversees all
Masonic lodges in the state, said the social club was not
officially tied to the Masonic organization.
"This is so far beyond the concept of reality it's
mind-boggling," Steiner said. "I've never heard of anything like
Mystery and suspicion are woven into the history of the
Freemasons, who trace their roots to the stone workers' guilds
that built medieval Gothic cathedrals. The guilds evolved into
secret clubs over the years with secret handshakes and rituals,
and symbols like an all-seeing eye, pyramid and compass.
Over the years, the Southside Masonic Lodge members developed
their own initiation rituals for the social club in the lodge
that set them apart from most other Masonic organizations,
No members of the lodge could remember pistols being used in the
rituals (they are not allowed inside Masonic lodges), but some
described initiations that were part prank, part exercise in
On Monday night, James and Eid were among 10 men who set to
performing the club's initiation.
James, the first to be initiated, sat down in a chair, and two
tin cans were placed on a shelf by his head. The idea was for
Eid to fire two blank rounds, and a man standing behind James
would knock the cans down with a stick. And then it happened.
"This is a tragedy," said Eid's lawyer, James O'Rourke. "He is
absolutely beyond grief-stricken. This is a mistake, not a
FIRST A JOKE, THEN A STORY.
The Basketball Player
As the Coach Smith sat alone in his seat waiting for the wealthy
alumnus to join him, he realized his hands were shaking.
There were beads of sweat on his forehead
and his stomach burned with nausea. He had never
been more worried in his life. This could easily be the end of
the line for him.
Just then the door opened and Henry Randolph III entered the
room. Richest benefactor to State University, Mr.
Randolph had the
power to hire and fire at his whim.
"Coach Smith, I am not going to beat around the bush. Your
basketball team did not win one game last year. Give me one good
reason why I shouldn't have you fired immediately."
"Well, we had a lot of injuries and a couple guys turned pro and
a couple guys didn't make the grades and…"
"Knock it off. I know the story. Look, I know you can coach. But
the problem is you don't know how the game is played anymore.
Sometimes you just need to look the other way."
Henry Randolph pushed an envelope across the table. It appeared
to be thick with cash.
"Mr. Randolph, sir, you know I run a clean program!!"
"Yes, that's true and that's your downfall. Now take this money
and buy yourself a PLAYER or hand me your resignation now."
It's the middle of the next basketball season. Starting at
Center for State U is the Kid, a seven foot rebounding maniac
who can score at will and block shots with the greatest of ease.
State U is number One in the country, Coach Smith is being
nominated as Coach of the Year, and the alumni are all happy,
especially Henry Randolph III. And why shouldn't they be happy?
State is undefeated.
Ever since Coach Smith surprised the world by magically beating
out the best schools in the country in the recruiting battle for
the Kid, State U has been at the top of the heap.
So why is Coach Smith unhappy? There sitting on his desk is a
Pink Slip. The Kid is failing Math.
Coach goes to the office. "Prof, Baby, what's the problem here?
We can't have you failing the Kid!!
Without the Kid, our team is
down the tubes!! I'm out of a job!! You can't do this!!"
"Coach, back off. The Kid hasn't shown up in class one time this
whole semester. Why should I give him a passing grade?"
"Because I don't have a prayer if the Kid sits down!! I gotta
have him on the court!! Give him another chance!!"
The professor gives Coach a disgusted look, shakes his head,
then gives in. "Okay, Smith, have the Kid in here at noon
tomorrow. I am going to give him a Pass-Fail Math Quiz. Take it
or Leave it."
"Oh, Thank you Prof Baby, I owe you one! See you tomorrow!"
Coach has his tutor work with the Kid all night long. He doesn't
sleep. He is sick in his stomach. He is scared out of wits. What
will he do if the Kid fails? He is too old to start over.
Besides no one will hire him if he blows this one.
High Noon rolls around. The Kid and the Coach walk into the
Professor's office. Without even bothering to look up, the
Professor says, "Young man, what is two plus two?"
The Kid agonizes. So does the Coach. The Kid blows a gasket
thinking it over. So does the Coach. Suddenly the Kid cracks a
smile. He starts to count his fingers. "Four!!
The answer is
The Coach screams, "OH, Prof, give him another chance!!
Please, I'm Begging you, One more try!!"
(Editors Note: The reason it is so easy to make fun of dumb
jocks is that in real life things happen that are so bizarre
they give us a reason to suspect a large
kernel of truth within the
myth. Read the next story and gasp.)
DUMB JOCKS FIND A WAY TO MAKE AN "A"
March 4, 2004, 8:36PM
Talk about a slam dunk, here is a Coach whose final exam gave
everyone an easy lay-up.
Most college students dream of getting a final exam with easy
questions like: How many goals are on a basketball court? How
many quarters are in a high school basketball game? How many
points does a 3-point field goal account for?
To top it off, there are multiple choice answers.
Those were among the questions about basic basketball knowledge
on the final exam, and only test, that students took in Georgia
assistant men's basketball coach Jim Harrick Jr.'s Coaching
Principles and Strategies of Basketball class in the fall of
The 20-question test and transcripts of interviews with some of
the students in Harrick's class were among 1,500 pages of
documents released Wednesday by the university in its response
to the NCAA regarding four rules violations in the basketball
The university agreed with the NCAA's findings, which included
violations of academic fraud and improper benefits.
The NCAA concluded Harrick Jr. "fraudulently awarded grades of A
to three men's basketball student-athletes" enrolled in the
course he taught in the fall 2001 semester by allowing them to
miss class and tests.
Harrick Jr. also allegedly provided an extra benefit to student
athletes by the manner in which he conducted the course, the
After the allegations came to light, Georgia last March chose
not to renew the contract of Harrick Jr., the son of former head
Georgia men's basketball coach Jim Harrick.
An attorney for the Harricks said Wednesday that Harrick Jr.
would not comment, and that a federal lawsuit filed last week is
their response. That lawsuit accuses university officials and
others of defamation.
According to the documents, one of Harrick's students called the
final exam in the class, "the easiest thing that I've ever
"I remember when he assigned that, you know, he didn't seem to
care if anybody showed up to take the final because he said,
'Well, if you know of anybody who is not here who needs to take
the final, just tell them to come by my office. It's no big
deal,"' the unnamed student told attorney Ed Tolley, who
conducted the school's investigation of the charges, according
to the transcript.
The names of Harrick's students who were interviewed were
blacked out in the papers.
"He always joked with us about the NCAA, you know, about all
kinds of stuff, never really seemed to take it seriously," the
same student said.
All the students in the class were given an A grade, according
to the documents.
In its investigation, school attorneys said they contacted 18 of
Harrick's 39 students, who all said they took the test, but said
that scholarship basketball players -- Chris Daniels, Rashad
Wright and Tony Cole, a former player, did not take it.
It was Cole who who went public last year with his allegations
of receiving academic and financial benefits from the coaching
Another student-athlete in the class told Amy Chisholm,
Georgia's assistant athletic director for compliance, in an
interview in March 2003 that it was a "fairly easy class."
The final "was short and easy," the student-athlete said.
"A lot of times Harrick Junior would not come to class towards
the end so I do not remember any study sessions for the final. I
think I did well on the final."
See how well you do on Harrick's Test:
The 20-question final exam Jim Harrick Jr. gave to his Coaching
Principles and Strategies of Basketball class in fall 2001:
1. How many goals are on a basketball court?
2. How many players are allowed to play at one time on any one
team in a regulation game?
3. In what league to (sic) the Georgia Bulldogs compete?
b. Big Ten
d. Pac 10
4. What is the name of the coliseum where the Georgia Bulldogs
a. Cameron Indoor Arena
b. Stegeman Coliseum
c. Carrier Dome
d. Pauley Pavilion
5. How many halves are in a college basketball game?
6. How many quarters are in a high school basketball game?
7. How many points does one field goal account for in a
8. How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a
9. How many officials referee a college basketball game?
10. How many teams are in the NCAA Men's Basketball National
11. What is the name of the exam which all high school seniors
in the State of Georgia must pass?
a. Eye Exam
b. How Do The Grits Taste Exam
c. Bug Control Exam
d. Georgia Exit Exam
12. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear
in home games?
13. What basic color are the uniforms the Georgia Bulldogs wear
in away games?
14. How many minutes are played in a college basketball contest?
15. How many minutes are played in a high school basketball
16. Diagram the 3-point line.
17. Diagram the half-court line.
18. How many fouls is a player allowed to have in one Basketball
game before fouling out in that game?
19. If you go on to become a huge coaching success, to whom will
you tribute (sic) the credit?
a. Mike Krzyzewski
b. Bobby Knight
c. John Wooden
d. Jim Harrick Jr.
20. In your opinion, who is the best Division I assistant coach
in the country?
a. Ron Jursa (sic)
b. John Pelphrey
c. Jim Harrick Jr.
d. Steve Wojciechowski
Source: University of Georgia
a Special Note
from Rick Archer about Email, the SSQQ Newsletter, and Spam.
I now receive an average of 150 spam emails a day. Because
I run a business where people email me at random from all over the world on
a variety of subjects, I am reluctant to install filters.
The problem with this kind of volume is the potential I
can accidentally delete valuable emails from ssqq students, especially when
I don’t recognize the name. To minimize this possibility, please be sure to
put a title with some thought behind it in the “Subject” box when you are
trying to contact us.
As for the SSQQ Email Newsletter, more and more people
report that it is being blocked at their jobs as “Spam”. This leaves me no
choice but to make the Email I send out as innocuous as possible.
For that matter you may stop receiving the SSQQ Email
Newsletter at any time for reasons that are out of my hands. A month ago, I
had over 600 Newsletter Emails sent to students with Yahoo accounts bounced
back to me. I contacted Yahoo and was given no explanation why the emails
bounced. It is tough to correct a problem when you don’t even know what is
In the future, I suggest you automatically go to the
Newsletter on the SSQQ Web Site a couple days before classes start and read
the latest news whether you get an email reminder or not.
NO STANDING IN LINE – SIGN UP ON-LINE (SSQQ ONLINE
||AND THAT’S A WRAP FOR THIS ISSUE (AND DON’T FORGET TO GO
TO THE WEB SITE FOR THE COMPLETE NEWSLETTER!!)
As you can see, the SSQQ Newsletter is written to a large
extent by its readers. Many people contribute jokes, pictures, and
interesting items each month. Anyone is welcome to join the fun!
If you have any comments, suggestions, requests, complaints, jokes, pictures
or poetry to share, please send it to me, Rick Archer, at
And thanks for reading all the way to the bottom! …. I
might add I do have reason to believe some of you simply scroll to the
bottom to look for any little surprises I hide down here. ;-) Anyhow,
thanks to all for making it this far!
SSQQ Dance Studio
Answer to Supernumerary: Spear
Chucker in a Play (an actor who does a walk-on in a play)