Adventures with The Captain

Captain Charles Teige, Marla and Rick.  Please take note of the beautiful red napkins for future reference.

On the Wednesday Night, Marla and I were invited to have dinner with the Captain of the Rhapsody, Charles Teige.  To say we were flattered would be a huge understatement. 

Before dinner started we gathered in the hallway to meet with Jackpot Julie, the Bingo lady who also served as the "Dining Etiquette" coach for our upcoming adventure with the Captain.  There were ten of us - five couples, all passengers. Each of us listened intently to Julie's every word.  Never before had I ever received extensive training in how to meet someone. This was a new experience.

Jackpot Julie said several things, but her main rule was: "Don't touch the napkins!"  After I noticed that she repeated this instruction two more times, I raised an eyebrow in curiosity.  I couldn't help but wonder what the big deal was.  However just as we began to line up to enter the dining room, Julie reminded us one more time, but with a deep urgency in her voice that took my concern to a deeper level.  For some reason, her warnings unnerved me.  What the heck is the deal with the napkins, I wondered?

We had even been given specific instructions on how to enter single file.  I carefully took up my assigned position as the ninth person to enter.  The formality of the event was very striking.  I felt like a visiting dignitary... which was probably the point.

We gathered around the table and waited for the Captain who entered with a entourage of at least six waiters plus the Maitre D'.  There was so much pomp and circumstance that I was starting to get nervous.  The Captain said not a word.  He looked carefully at the lady to his right, got a horrified expression on his face, then suddenly said, "Don't touch the napkins!" 

The woman turned white with panic.  I swear I practically jumped out of my socks and quickly thrust my hands into my pockets less they touch the forbidden napkins accidentally!

Then the Captain grinned. That's when I got it - the whole deal with the napkins was a practical joke.  Ha ha ha.  Well, guess what, it worked on me.

The Captain then smiled at all of us and said "At ease. You are now welcome to touch the napkins." After all the nervous laughter, we began to settle down.  The staff photographer showed up on cue to take our pictures, then we sat down for the meal.

Suddenly I looked up and there was none other than Gary Richardson!Amidst all this formality, Gary snuck in right behind the Rhapsody photographer with his own camera.  Gary looked the Captain in the eyes and asked his permission to take our pictures.  The Captain smiled and nodded yes. Then Gary said the nicest thing, "After all, Rick is my Captain!"   Ah, gee.  I almost gave him my special napkin as a thank you.

We quickly discovered that Captain Teige is very down-to-earth.  I am not sure he really enjoys these ceremonial functions, but he certainly does his best. Marla was given the honor of being seated directly on his left.  He spoke to her several times throughout the meal and was very gracious to her.

The gift of gab is not the Captain's forte, but since it is definitely one of my strengths, I did my part to break the ice.  I must have asked a dozen questions to help satisfy my curiosity as well as keep the conversation going. 

As the other four couples introduced themselves and said a little about themselves, unbeknownst to each other Marla and I were simultaneously speculating on why we had been granted such an honor.  We discovered one other couple like us were celebrating their honeymoon.  Okay, you guys can stay.  Then we found out the couple to the Captain's right was on their 18th RCCL Cruise.  I was impressed!  Eighteen cruises!!  Okay, you guys can stay!  

However we never got the slightest inkling what the other two couples had done to be honored with a seat at the table.  As for Marla and I, we figured we were at the table for any of two reasons. First, we had gotten married aboard the ship.  Even though there were 96 couples taking their Honeymoon on this cruise - a staggering number! - only one other couple had actually been married on the ship like we had.  Another reason would be that we were the leaders of the single largest group aboard the ship with 120 guests.  Surprisingly, we would not find out the real reason we had been invited till the next day.

One of the first things the Captain said to me was that he had heard I had lost my shoes before I got married.  He smiled at my embarrassment and made things worse by inviting my to explain what happened to all the guests. Oh, lucky me.  Isn't it wonderful to be talk of the ship?

For the most part the conversation was polite and very tame.  Even the generous offerings of wine didn't completely loosen our tongues.  Trying to liven things up, I told a stupid joke about a ship captain's parrot and a magician.  Everyone laughed politely and I thought I was the life of the party until I received a serious jab in my rib from Marla's elbow.  That was her gentle way of saying I was talking too much.  Yup, I'm married now.  The reality was sinking in!

We discovered the Captain is engaged and that he has a one year old son.  He was very pleased to announce that his bride-to-be plus his son was with him on this particular trip.  As glamorous as a life at sea must seem to us smog-crazed ozone-fried idiots like the rest of us who spend 3 hours a day stuck in traffic, I imagine the Captain gets a bit lonely at times.  What an unusual life he must lead.  Most of the crew does this for a year or two, then moves on.  Captain Teige has been doing this for perhaps ten to fifteen years.

After dinner was over, I stopped to thank the Captain personally for inviting us to dine with him. To our surprise, he smiled and invited us to join him on the bridge the next evening for a chat.

Marla and I were absolutely stunned.  Of course we accepted. 

Thursday evening we watched on the bridge as the Captain skillfully maneuvered the ship out of its dock at Cozumel.  The Bridge is directly below the Windjammer Cafe in case you are curious.

We were on an outdoor ledge as the ship began to pull away.  Both Marla and I could hear Gary Richardson yapping away upstairs.

The Captain noticed our ears had perked up at the sound of Gary's voice. Captain Teige laughed and said he heard that same guy talking in the Windjammer every day. 

I told him that was the guy who took our picture the day before. He smiled and rolled his eyes.  "That figures" was all he said.

After we had pulled away from Cozumel, we could see the beautiful island retreating in the distance. Marla and I were introduced to the Captain's fiancé as well as his adorable little boy.  They had been watching the departure from Cozumel with us.  Soon his fiancé gave him a kiss and departed with son in tow. 

The Captain invited us inside the Bridge to have coffee with him. After giving us a tour and showing us the various charts and instruments, he reassured me a repeat of the Titanic episode was unlikely due to modern technology.  He also reminded me that icebergs were rarely spotted in the Gulf of Mexico. I felt so much better, but still looked around suspiciously in case there were any hidden napkins.

We sat down in a corner to have a chat.

This is when Marla and I discovered the real reason we had been invited to dinner with him the night before. It seems that the Captain and I have a very unique connection which I doubt not one of you would ever guess even if I gave you twenty questions.

Did you know that the Captain's name appears in only one place on the entire Internet?  Take a quick guess where his name pops up.  Check out your guess and click here.  Were you right?  If so, take a bow.

It seems a friend of the Captain's is also an Internet buff.  One day she ran a serious Google Search on his name which turned up only one hit - the SSQQ Mardi Gras Trip.  During this trip there was a serious accident in the Mississippi River which caused our ship to be diverted to Gulfport instead of New Orleans. The disappointment among the passengers was intense and Captain Teige had bravely handled a great deal of anger when he conducted an open meeting with the passengers.  I was very impressed with such poise under pressure and had complimented him in my story on his aplomb. The Captain said he had read my story and was very grateful for the praise I had given him.

By coincidence, Marla and I had visited with Rhapsody "Loyalty Ambassador" Patricia Gaspar earlier on this trip.  Patricia was the Social Director for the first SSQQ Rhapsody Cruise in 2002.  She and Marla hit it off from the start and became fast friends.  By chance, Marla and I had run into her again on our Mardi Gras Rhapsody Trip earlier this year. Unfortunately it was a the very last minute on the final day of the time, so we didn't time for much more than a hug. 

Fortunately this time we ran into Patricia on the second day of the trip.  As a result we actually had a moment to sit down with her at her desk in the lobby next to the Purser's Desk and compliment her on her promotion to Ship's Officer.   By chance, she just happened to have her computer turned on and the Internet was up. I immediately suggested to Patricia that she click on to my web site to see all the beautiful Mardi Gras pictures we had posted.

Patricia was so impressed she posted my Mardi Gras web site to all the other officers including Captain Teige.  When the Captain got her email, he quickly put two and two together and decided he wanted to meet us.

We were flattered before, but now we were very flattered.  It is fun to feel special.

Our talk consisted mostly of me asking questions about his career and about the cruise industry. Eventually we got around to talking about dance. The Captain seemed very curious about my insights regarding the place of dancing aboard his ship.  I had written extensively about my suggestions for importing SSQQ-style dance lessons and parties onto the Rhapsody in 2002, but had forgotten about the article.  His questions were so insightful, I eventually realized there was no way he could be so knowledgeable about my ideas unless he had already read them himself on my web site. Obviously he had given some thought to what I had said.

However he was very guarded in his comments, probably because he was in a fact-finding mode, not a deal-making mode. The Captain revealed little about his own thoughts.  He only said that his company did not make changes swiftly, but that he intended to have a talk with his superiors about my ideas.

I had the distinct impression there were things he wanted to talk with me about, but that he did not know me well enough to take me into his confidence.  I suppose he was reluctant to share his ideas for fear they might appear on my web site, probably a legitimate concern since he didn't know whether I can keep a secret or not. As a result I was left pretty much in the dark about exactly what was on his mind.

The Captain ended our second meeting with, "I'll be in touch."

I have a hunch that he would like to expand the role of social dance aboard his ship. In fact there is a possibility he may even be ready to suggest to the higher ups that social dance be given a greater role in their social itinerary. Whether this includes any involvement of our studio I do not know. We never got that far. I only know there was something on his mind that somehow involved me. Anything beyond that is idle speculation.

Our talk lasted an hour and a half. It had been early evening when our talk started and now it was pitch black on the bridge when our talk ended.  We had literally been talking in the shadows for some time.

Marla and I met with the Captain one more time on Saturday.  During our talk on the Bridge, he said he had always wanted to learn the Tango.  I said I would be more than happy to teach him and his lovely fiancé Isabella.  We scheduled a lesson for Saturday afternoon in the - where else? - Shall We Dance Lounge.  Unfortunately when he appeared alone by himself, I knew there was a problem. He said something had come up.

Instead he invited us to sit with him in the Schooner Bar where we were joined by Gary Richardson.  After Gary said a few words, the Captain frowned and said, "Have we met?  I recognize your voice from somewhere."  I have never worked so hard to suppress a grin in my life.

We sat and chatted for half an hour, but not about anything particularly serious.  The Captain was just being polite and showed no interest in continuing our final line of conversation from our talk on the Bridge.  Then he got up and said duty called. That was the last we saw of him.

During the last couple days of the trip, several passengers asked me why I seemed so distant and preoccupied.  The reason was that I was lost in thought trying to figure out what Captain Tiege really wanted to say to me.   He spent far more time with Marla and I than was necessary if he was simply being polite.  The flattering invitation to have dinner with him would have been sufficient.  The two extra visits signaled a deeper interest.  My sixth sense hinted there was something on his mind, but couldn't tell me.  My curiosity was driving me nuts.

After I returned from my trip, I sent the Captain a lengthy letter containing my suggestions for the role of dancing on his ship.

Unfortunately I never received further contact from the Captain or another RCCL representative. 

 Nevertheless I have a hunch that someday SSQQ will play a stronger role in the Rhapsody's entertainment agenda. As they say in the industry, I believe we are on a collision course.  Stay tuned!

Champagne Night and The Life of a Travel Agent:
The Business Side of Organizing a Cruise Trip
 

The SSQQ Champagne Night was definitely one of the favorite evenings on this trip.  For those of you who like to understand more about how the "Travel Industry" works, there is an interesting story behind our "Champagne Night".

Marla was not only my Bride on this trip, she was also our Travel Agent.  If anyone was ever born into a particular role, it is Marla.  She has a genuine gift for organizing trips. 

Even before Marla and I met, travel had always been one of her favorite hobbies.  I relied on an outside travel agent to coordinate the first three SSQQ cruises, but soon after we met I realized Marla was a natural for this role.  I used my contacts and secured a position for Marla as a "travel agent in training".  On last year's Jubilee 2003 trip, Marla shared the workload with an experienced travel agent.  She did so well that she was rewarded with more responsibility when she organized the Mardi Gras trip earlier in 2004.  After Mardi Gras, Marla was promoted again.

Our Rhapsody 2004 trip was the first cruise where Marla did all the work without supervision. Given this kind of responsibility, from the start Marla put all her energy into making sure this would be our best trip ever.  I think she succeeded beyond our wildest dreams, but then I am prejudiced.

One of the things that Marla learned is that when you decide to take a cruise, there are huge advantages to going with a Group as opposed to booking individually.  I have a hunch the cruise industry would love to repeat the airline industry's trick of cutting out the travel agent.  But it isn't going to happen any time soon because a good travel agent is still the cruise industry's best friend.

As it stands today, "Destination Industries" such as the ski industry and the cruise industry realize the value of catering to individuals like Marla whose leadership can attract large groups of customers.

Both Marla and I have noticed many people greatly prefer to cruise within a group.  Traveling with friends is a marvelous way to share experiences.  Although it should be duly noted that although the mischief level varies drastically between the Singles and the Couples, traveling with a large group such as ours seems equally attractive to both sides.  The opportunities to dance are greatly expanded with a group such as ours and even the trips ashore seem more fun.  The "more the merrier" slogan seemed especially appropriate for every activity we had from Bar Hopping at Key West to the Bloody Volleyball Match at Chankanaab Beach.

Indeed, our Post-Trip Party was equally packed with Singles and Doubles all smiling and laughing themselves silly at Gary's Slide Slow.  Obviously Everyone had fun whether they came alone or together.  People love getting to know each other so much better. I find interesting that several of the roommates Marla put together have become best friends once they returned to shore.  Something about "partners in crime"...

Did you know that in addition to increasing the "Fun Level", there are huge economic advantages to traveling with a group?  One little known story on this trip were the large number of people who received upgrades in their accommodations.

You might be surprised to find all that money you pay for a cabin barely covers the ship's expenses.   Where they make their money are from the drink tabs, the excursions on shore, the gift shops, the art show auctions, the bingo, the gambling, and the pictures.  These activities are vital towards assisting each ship to turn a profit. 

Take my dance studio for example.  A class of 20 makes more money for us than a class of 10, but there is no increase in cost to the studio. Therefore the larger the classes, the easier it is to pay the SSQQ rent.  The Rhapsody feels the same way - the more cabins they can fill, the more profit they make from people participating in the activities.

So the Rhapsody does everything it can short of giving the trips away to fill as many cabins as possible.

Since it is far easier to sell a cheap cabin than an expensive cabin, as the departure date grows nearer, the cruise specialist rewards many of the passengers who have already signed up with "upgrades" to more expensive rooms at no extra charge.  These lucky passengers are usually people who have registered through "Groups." 

Marla enjoyed a terrific rapport with her RCCL Specialist, a man named Courtne.  Every day I would hear laughter from her office only to discover she was on the phone with "Courtne" again. Was I jealous?  Maybe.  They clearly were on the same wave length.  For example, I asked him why he doesn't spell his name with a "Y".  He answered, "Because I never ask questions."  Marla understood him. I didn't.  But I sure enjoyed the results they were cooking up together.   

For his part, Courtne enjoyed the success Marla had recruiting customers for him to process. She definitely made his job easier by boosting his numbers.  And due to her special status as the Agent in charge of the single largest "Group" aboard our sailing of the Rhapsody, Courtne offered Marla frequent upgrades. 

I would guess 90 people among our group were promoted to better cabins simply due to the "Courtne-Marla" connection.  One of Courtne's jobs was to create more space in the cheaper cabins.  These upgrades typically go to the group agents, not to the many anonymous individuals who sign up "on-line".  Because Courtne respected Marla's work, he enjoyed rewarding her by giving her the Lion's Share of these opportunities to hand out among her passengers.

Who received the upgrades?   Marla chose evenly between the first people to sign up on this year's trip and people who had sailed on previous SSQQ cruises.  This quiet upward movement is one of the unwritten rewards for traveling within a group.  I might add Marla was deeply appreciated for these favors.

Marla's relationship with Courtne paid off in several other important ways as well.  Marla negotiated a group rate far below any price an individual would get by signing up solo.  Then because our SSQQ Group performed so well, she was able to get RCCL to extend that rate far beyond the original cutoff date.

As a result people signing up through SSQQ were able to get a significant discount over the price listed on the RCCL Internet web site practically up to the last minute.

However in the process she learned a lot of things the hard way.  There is a real Dark Side to this business. 

Due to the ease with which both outside travel agents and potential customers can comparison-shop the Internet, it is virtually always possible to find a cheaper price somewhere.  Generally these bargains are $10 less here or $20 less there.  The problem is that the Internet hosts more con men and swindlers since the snake oil salesmen of yesteryear.  Only the most highly experienced travelers can detect the difference between genuine bargains and the nonsense promises laced with hidden costs.   

For example, on the last day of the trip Marla was besieged with SSQQ passengers trying to take advantage of the "sign up today and receive $50 off" bargain the ship was offering.  Soon each passenger discovered that the offer was $50 a cabin, not per person.  Divide by two. $25 is not quite as impressive.

Then they discovered that the group discount that SSQQ receives is significantly greater than $25.  For those people aboard who were not in our group, this was a nice bargain, but for members of our group this promotion offered no savings at all.  However without Marla's explanation, this was a difficult concept to understand. Here was a simple example of how RCCL tries to bypass the travel agents from time to time.  I can't say that I blame them, but it does make Marla's job harder because she has to explain the truth behind each promotion.  I have noticed however that the SSQQ passengers have developed so much respect for Marla's expertise that they have learned to take her word at face value. 

Still it hasn't always been easy for Marla to earn the group's confidence.  She has gotten her share of lumps and abuse. 

At this trip, one of our customers treated her with complete contempt.  The argument began over an aspect of cruising that confuses everybody known as "Port Fees."  

Everyone who sails pays port fees. Marla pays them, I pay them, and so does everyone else.  The City of Galveston has built a very expensive dock for RCCL, Carnival, and other cruise lines to use.  Similar the concept of a Toll Road, Galveston gets that money back by adding a "Port Fee" to the ticket of each passenger. 

The "Port Fees" issue causes rampant confusion, especially with people who are new to the cruise game. 

Take this classic example: One Travel agent says he or she will put you on the Rhapsody for $400 while another agent promises to put you in the exact same cabin for $560.  The first agent simply has neglected to mention the $160 Port Fee.  He or she isn't lying, but you aren't getting the whole picture up front either. 

Meanwhile it is human nature to call the less expensive offer first. So you phone the $400 person and give them the first crack at your money.  To your great regret, once you make the call, you find out the bottom line is the same as the more expensive offer.  You realize you won't save money by going anywhere else.  Since you are on the phone anyway, why waste any more time by calling someone else??  So the agent with the less expensive offer gets the sale.

Is it any wonder that most agents prefer not to list the actual price up front??

As a result  all the cruise discount double-talk led to constant inquiries from people phoning or emailing Marla to ask why so and so charges this but Marla charges that.  These daily headaches over at most 20 bucks quickly taught Marla that Travel Agents have to work very hard for their money.  These frustrations were minor, however, compared to the way she was raked over coals by someone who openly questioned her intelligence.  

This particular SSQQ traveler was so rude to Marla that she began to cry. 

Here is the story. This gentleman had paid for a single cabin. A cabin sells for $800.  This translate into $400 a person.  So he paid the entire $800.  Since he was traveling alone he only had to pay one port fee.  $960.  In his mind he had paid for the entire cabin. He also had paid the port fees. 

Then a couple months later he invited a young lady to join him in the cabin for FREE.  "Won't cost you anything!" he promised.   However when the lady inquired about the free cabin, Marla disagreed - someone would need to pay another $160 Port Fee.  The man told Marla she was wrong.  "I already paid the #$%* port fee!  You told me the cabin was completely paid for!"   Marla tried to explain why he or the lady still needed to pay a second port fee, but he wouldn't listen. He called her a liar on the phone and questioned her intelligence using very unattractive words. 

I know this for a fact because I listened to the message he left on her answering machine.  Marla was right all along. Someone - either the man or the woman who joined him late in the game - would need to pay the extra $160.  Marla ended up with another gray hair for her trouble.  I might add she gets no commission on port fees, just headaches and a stiff neck.

Another maddening incident was the couple that signed up on-line through another travel agency, then turned around and asked to be included in the group. 

This incident baffled me because they paid $170 more by signing up elsewhere!!  Don't ask for the hidden explanation.  I never figured it out.  But I did pop a blood vessel in the process. 

The woman had phoned or emailed Marla on several occasions with inquiries about the trip.  She had been on one of our previous cruises.  Marla told her that she and I would be delighted to have her join the trip.  Imagine Marla's shock when she found out the lady and her friend had by-passed her and signed up for the same cruise using another agency. 

Marla received an email saying they had signed up elsewhere "in order to save her the trouble" since Marla had mentioned being very busy planning the wedding.

But they didn't think Marla was too busy to do their seating arrangements for free.   The same email that explained why they had not used Marla's services turned out and requested that Marla make sure they were seated at our group dinner tables.   Their online T.A. was unable to do this for them.  Marla had not only lost 2 commissions, now she was being asked to act as their agent for nothing. 

Not only was Marla hurt by this bizarre action, the entire Group was sabotaged in tangible as well as intangible ways.  People ask if they can bring someone to watch at the studio all the time. They say, "What would it hurt if ONE PERSON WATCHED?"   Then I always come back with argument you hate - "If I let you do it, people would see it and then everyone would ask to do it!" Look at the problem from Marla's point of view. There are "perks" granted to each group based on the size of the group, but the number to receive these perks changes from trip to trip. While the number may vary by peak season versus slow season, anyone can figure out "the higher our number, the more the goodies".  By signing up on-line, this couple cost the SSQQ Group two spots.  They were not registered as part of our group.  What if the magic number had been 90 but we only had 88 who counted as part of the group?   Tough.

Don't laugh.  On the six trips SSQQ has taken, twice we have barely missed a cut-off and once we barely made it.  On our first cruise in 1998 we needed 35 for a party, but only had 30. They gave the party to us anyway, but reduced the time of the party and cut out the hors d'oeurves entirely.

In 2001, we magically crossed the 100 barrier at the very last minute. This qualified us for a big bash on the Celebration.  And Celebrate we did!  The 2001 trip was a fabulous success. 

This year we missed out on a party.  On last February's Mardi Gras Trip we took 39 during the off-season only to miss the 50 cut-off.  We were actually closer than you might think.

Our group number very easily could have been 44.   Three women did the exact same thing as the couple in question did on this trip - they heard about the trip through our Newsletter, but signed up with someone else. Then the 3 women asked if they could sit with our group at dinner.  One lady explained to me that she heard about the trip through another member of our group, but let her sister-in-law sign them up because her in-law was a travel agent.  Not only did they want to eat with us, they also wanted to take part in our dance lessons.  I put my foot down and said this wasn't right.  I said they would not take part in any of our activities.  The incident left me feeling frustrated and ugly since they made a habit of shooting dirty looks at me every time our paths crossed on the trip.

On the same trip two other people wanted to join us.  A lady who was my Whip class at the time came up to me and said she was a travel agent at another agency. This allowed her to travel for free.  I gave her and her boyfriend permission to join us, but did not list them on our chart of who went.  However she broke up with the boyfriend at the last minute and decided not to make the trip at all. 

Furthermore there were two couples who were on the edge of the ledge right up to the very last minute trying to decide whether to go or not. There is something known as the "Snowball Effect".  If the number languishes at the same number, then the perception becomes that the trip isn't that big a deal. But when the numbers grow steadily, the more the fence dwellers get interested.   If we had gotten from 39 to 4, then maybe another couple on the fence would have joined us. The closer we got to 50, I could have begun to recruit heavily for the Magic Nifty Fifty Cocktail Party person. 

This was the trip where I learned that every little bit counts.  The Magic of promoting a Cruise is definitely a source of great mystery to me, but one thing I am sure of - The faster everyone stands up and gets counted, the easier it is to recruit the "undecideds" to join us. 

On this trip I learned first-hand the advantages of why it is useful to travel in a group. Despite meeting all our "perk" numbers without breaking a sweat for this September trip, we needed all the muscle we could muster! 

A perfect example of the benefits of size developed when Marla had to fight to secure the Shall We Dance Lounge for our wedding reception on the first night. 

Typically Shall We Dance is used for "Kids Orientation."   In the summer several hundred children come on any given cruise.  However now it was time for school.  Without bothering to actually count, the Rhapsody Cruise Director automatically penciled the kids in for Shall We Dance and stuck us in the tiny Viking Crown Disco.  I was furious.  I expected our group would outnumber all the kids on this particular cruise by a significant margin.   I complained bitterly, but seemed to get nowhere. The issue stayed on the table for a month.  It still wasn't a done deal till the final week before the cruise. Finally, I decided I had no choice but to use a threat.  I hate being a jerk, but sometimes that is what it takes. I emailed I intended to bring our entire group into Shall We Dance whether the kids were in there or not and let the cruise director explain to each and every one of us why the kids deserved that room more than we did.  We got the room shortly after that.  Do you think we would have won our argument if there had been 50 of us?  Probably not. Size counts.  If you are going to act like a bully, it helps to have a big gang behind you.

Now you can see why the twin concepts of "Stand Up and Be Counted" and "United We Stand, Divided We Fall" are real issues when we organize our group trips.

As far as I can tell, for the 2004 trip only these two people broke ranks.  Unlike the Mardi Gras Trip where I excluded the three women, I went ahead and included this couple in our group. I did it for the simple reason that I like them. I didn't understand their actions for a moment, but I didn't see what good it would do to cry over spilt milk.  I added them to the group and was pleased to note they seemed to have a good time. 

However for future trips I think all of our passengers need to understand this issue more clearly.  Besides our "odd couple:, Marla received calls from all least a dozen other people who said they had seen a better price somewhere else on the Internet or in the paper.

For the record, Marla negotiated an extremely good price for this trip.  However due to all the cruise double-talk, there were numbers that appeared to beat ours from time to time.  So Marla was forced to explain that if each person went for a $10 bargain here or the $20 bargain there, none of these people would count as part of our group when RCCL got around to counting up how many cookies to share.  She had to make them see that if we had to work together in order to get the benefits of the group. 

Marla soon discovered that none of these people meant any harm. They simply did not understand the big picture until Marla cleared it up for them.  As the result of Marla's patience, with the sole exception of the "Odd Couple", everyone else eventually signed up with us directly. 

So what does this all have to do with Champagne??  

Once we crossed the 90 threshold, we were able to qualify for our next group perk.  Courtne gave Marla the option of converting the perk into commission or giving it away in the form of a Champagne bottle to be given to each cabin.  Marla decided she wanted to thank everyone in her own way for coming along on her Honeymoon Cruise.  So as a result each cabin received a complimentary bottle of champagne.  Let me add many people acknowledged her gesture with plenty of hugs and thanks.

However there was one very peculiar problem  - no one seemed to be drinking their bottles!   

The problem with a bottle in a cabin is that you have to share it with your roommate.  Bottles are tough to cut in two.  A lot of these roommates had just met.  For example, two guys who barely knew each other weren't as excited about sharing a bottle with each other in the wee hours as you might think.

Therefore many bottles were left sitting in the rooms unopened.  Such a terrible waste!! Then Mara Rivas had an idea.  Why not have everyone pool their resources for a big 6 pm bash on Thursday Formal Night before our group picture at 7 pm?  Such a Smart Girl!  This idea was well received.  Lots of people signed on for this concept. Mara doesn't drink much herself, but as you will soon discover she is excellent at getting other people drunk.  I do know that several of the people on the trip do not drink, so they thoughtfully contributed their bottles to this party.  Talk about adding fuel to the fire!  There were Champagne bottles everywhere, probably close to 50 of them!  The rate of Champagne consumption varied dramatically from one person to the next.  I heard some people took a couple sips. That sounds okay.

But what about the others who poured their champagne into the buckets the bottles came in and used straws!?!  Why not just chug the bottle?  Or lay on your back and turn on the faucet? 

Unfortunately Marla and I had our second meeting with the Captain this same night. This meant we had to miss this significant event.  Therefore we have no "insider stories" to share. However I do have in my possession some very interesting pictures. I will let them tell the story.

One thing I noticed is you could use pictures to guess the on the amount each individual had to  

For example, study carefully the pictures below of Zeke from Cabin Creek and Gina Lollobridgida.  These portraits will serve as an up-close study on the effects of alcohol.  Both woman are strikingly attractive in their red dresses and black hair.  Both also appear to be under the influence. You job is to see if you can tell which Lady in Red has had the larger intake of champagne.  Speaking of red, note the rosy cheeks on Lollo.  She is a Royal Flush.

They say every picture tells a story.  Here are two final looks at Champagne Night.

In the picture above, Mara is sipping while it appears Leroy takes his Champagne a little more seriously.
 

The Attack of the Key West Zombies!

Tuesday was the day the Rhapsody visited Key West.

Key West is hyped on board the Rhapsody as a fabulous party mecca.  Maybe so, but to my eye this little hamlet is boring beyond belief, at least during the daytime. For starters, there is a near total absence of history on this little island that serves as the southernmost point of the United States. 

One of the reasons there is little history is that Key West is So Boring no one ever bothered to attack it!!  At least that's what I thought.  But this would be the day I would discover the ingenious conspiracy from the 1700s that would guarantee why Key West would never be bothered again.

After talking to some of the townspeople, I was forced to conclude the only famous thing to ever happen to Key West was the ten year stretch when Ernest Hemingway used to get drunk every night before, after and between battles with his wife. 

I soon discovered practically the entire economy of Key West is wrapped around the memory of E.H.'s infamous drinking sprees.

Marla and I quickly made the obligatory pilgrimage to the Hemingway Home.  Mr. Hemingway's house was the only serious tourist attraction that I was told about.

I was appalled when I got there to find it cost $10 to visit.  No thanks.  I did notice for free that the outside of his house has a pretty red brick fence.  Please note if you look carefully at the $10 sign, you might notice the same red brick fence behind it that I did.  Amazingly it turns out that there is an important story involving that red brick fence which I will now share with my breathless readers.

While Marla and I stood staring at the $10 sign, we noticed that we were not alone. There were literally dozens of zombie-like derelicts standing around staring at that sign as well.  They also wanted to go in, but like Marla and I, they were too poor to afford the stiff price. 

One lady did fork up $6. She told her little boy to go in and take some pictures. He was the only human being I actually noticed going in the building.

Meanwhile one of the derelicts hit me up for a handout. I gave him a buck and was amazed to find out he could talk.  Most of these deadbeats just stand there staring into space.

The bum proceeded tell me an amazing story about the Hemingway House.  It turns out that Ernest H, better known as "Papa" in these parts, had a rich wife named Pauline.  They argued all the time.  To get away from Pauline, Papa would go fishing or go to Sloppy Joe's to get Sloppy. 

One night at Sloppy Joe's he met a woman named Martha who was an international journalist.  Rumor has it Martha was deliberately wearing provocative attire in hopes of luring Papa into sitting next to her. In other words, she wasn't there by accident, but rather laying in wait to pounce upon him as in "Come to Papa"!! 

Very soon... probably that night... they began a torrid affair. The next thing you know, Martha took Ernest to Spain with her to cover the Spanish Civil War.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Pauline didn't have anyone to argue with and started to miss her husband.  She was doing a little drinking of her own and hatched an incredibly creative plan to get her husband back. While he was off in Spain chasing his mistress, Pauline decided to spend the savings from Ernest's recent book on a $20,000 swimming pool (the equivalent of $250,000 in today's money!)

The legend was she built the pool hoping to lure him back.  Her thinking was something like this: "Yo, Ernie, if you come back to me, you can swim in our new pool and cavort with me!" 

Don't tell anyone - this is just between you and I - I don't think this was a well-thought out marital ploy. Since there is very little natural drinking water on this island, once the pool was built she was forced to fill it with salt water.  Mind you, the beach is only two blocks from their house! 

'Why couldn't they just walk two blocks and swim there?', I thought.  No, she wanted her own pool. So now Pauline had to get a two block long hose and suck the sea water in, seaweed, small fish, algae and whatever else decided to volunteer for pool duty.

Modern pool chemicals were not quite as effective in those days. They killed the fish okay, but the scum thrived.  Another problem was that not all the the dead life forms turned out to be fish. Occasionally they had to fish out the body of a derelict who got confused and ended up in the wrong watering hole. 

Pauline simply could not get rid of the scum - human or aquatic.  The salt water was so nasty to maintain Pauline discovered her only choice was to refill the thing practically once a week.  But first they had to spend days cleaning the incredible amount of slime, algae, seaweed, dead life forms and scum off the sides of the pools.  The entire idea was a fiasco.  For every day they could swim there was another day where they were refilling or cleaning the pool. 

Not only was the pool expensive to build, but as you might gather the cost to maintain it was astronomical. One local smart ass suggested to Pauline a simpler solution to the upkeep problem would be to get a small boat in there and tell Ernie he could fish in there instead. When he returned from Spain, Mr. Hemingway is reported to have lost his temper over this pool.  Big surprise, huh! As an impartial observer, I loved this story a great deal. Misery along this epic scale is a lot of fun to hear about as long as it happens to someone else, especially if it is likely they did something along the way to deserve it.

I loved this story. In fact, I loved it so much I gave the bum another dollar.  What a mistake!  Now he began to tell me another story. Marla nearly broke my rib with another sharp elbow jab to remind me I was married now and she wanted to go.  Apparently just standing in front of this cursed house is dangerous because it breeds marital discord!

The bum whispered, "Hey, man, have you noticed how many bums hang out in Key West?"  As I stared at the hundred zombies silently surrounding the neighborhood, I nodded in assent.  They seemed docile enough, but I could not help but notice them.  "Yes," I replied.

"Ernest Hemingway hated those damn bums!  He hated them so much he coined a name for them."

"What did he call them?"

"He called them 'tourists'!  He hated every one them!  It was the meanest word he could think of."

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah, man, he built this red brick fence just to keep 'em out!  Poor guy couldn't even walk down the street to Sloppy Joe's or Captain Tony's without being accosted by dozen of drunks, panhandlers, and  zombies.  Damn tourists would ask him for autographs, ask him for a drink, hit him up for dough, even follow him home and jump in his swimming pool!  He hated them!  They would have slept on his couch if he let 'em. Finally he built that red brick fence just to keep the bums out!"

I took another look at the red brick fence.  It didn't look that hard to climb, but I guess tourists were less athletic back in the 30s.

The bum stared out in space. Something was clearly bothering him. "What's wrong?", I asked.

"It was bad then, but now the problem's real bad, man. It's real bad."

"What do you mean?"

"There's bums everywhere. This is a bad place, man.  Key West is cursed. You know why there's so many bums?"

"You mean there is a reason?"  I shook my head in confusion. The constant presence of bums was a mystery to me.  I had definitely wondered about it.  The moment you get to Key West you discover there are derelicts everywhere.  I mean EVERYWHERE!   The entire population looks like the dumping bin from a Grateful Dead concert.  Little did I suspect how close to correct my instincts were.  As the bum continued, I discovered there is a SHOCKING REASON why everyone looks like they are from a Grateful Dead concert. 

"Bums love this place!!  This place has been Bum Paradise for a long time!  Long ago, there were pirates all over the Caribbean.  They used to rob this place blind.  Then one day back in the 1700s the only smart guy in the place, some guy nicknamed "Limey" discovered if he populated the place with bums, the pirates would go elsewhere.  So he imported a bunch of bums to come live here. 

The pirates hated this place - the bums were so out of it they asked them for handouts!  Can you believe that?  The people were so grateful to be saved from the pirates they treated that guy like a hero.  The bums loved him too. They hung out at his bakery store and ate his leftover pastries.  Pretty soon they gave him a new nickname, 'Key Limey'. Pretty soon he ran for mayor. Every bum voted for him. He couldn't lose. Pretty soon, this place became known as the Bum Capital of the USA.  The word on the street was go to Key West and eat one of Key Limey's Pies."

This was a very believable story. If my ribs didn't hurt so bad, I could have listened to this guy all day.

Now the bum got a really weird X-Files look on his face. I could see he was wanted to tell me something important, but he was afraid.  The bum's voice dropped to an even lower whisper. He said, "Hey, man, if you give me another buck, I'll tell you a story you won't believe."  I noticed Marla had begun to stare mindlessly at the $10 sign along with everyone else, so I slipped him the buck. That made $3 bucks so far.

The bum's eyes lit up at a fortune of this magnitude. He now continued in a whisper. "Most of these bums are Dead Head Zombies!!"  My eyes widened in shock.

"One day back in the 70s there was an especially wild Grateful Dead rock concert up in Gainesville, Florida, home of the University of Florida Gatorbacks. Man, that was some party school.  That place was crawling with drugs. One year the Dead showed up, that concert had so many drugs, it was called "Deadstock".  The whole place went wild!  People were stoned out of their minds.  There was so much dope in the air, even the alligators in the swamps started to boogie!"

"The next day when they began to clean up after the Dead concert, the local sheriff discovered literally dozens of drug-crazed, brain-fried Dead Heads wandering around.  The place looked like a damn set from 'The Night of the Living Dead'!  The sheriff took one look and realized he didn't have room in his jail for half of them. And what about the smell?  Even worse, the cost of feeding and caring for these derelicts was so great, it was cheaper just to get rid of them.  He came up with a great idea.  He decided to put them on a slow boat to Key West.  I ain't kiddin'; that's exactly what he did. He got out a megaphone and hollered "Free Cruise to Key West.  Free Cruise.  Key Lime Pie for everyone!!" 

I gasped in shock.  I asked the bum, "Then what happened!"

"Well, man, it was better than the damn fairy tale!  That sheriff was the damn Pied Piper of Gainesville!  One by one the zombies lumbered aboard the ship and sailed off down the coast of Florida to here.  It was a public relations disaster for this community. Once the word got out that lots of Dead Head derelicts could be found in Key West, it became known as Dead Head Mecca!  Pretty soon Dead Heads from everywhere started drifting in."

"Wow!" I exclaimed. "How do you know all this?"

"Because I was one of them, man, I was one of them."  He looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet.  He was embarrassed by his admission.  "I was an A student. I threw it all away for dope, man, I threw it all away."

I tried to comfort him.  "You have a real gift for telling great stories. Maybe it isn't too late.  Maybe you could open up a dance studio or something.  People tell me all the time you don't have to be real bright to run a dance studio."

"Hey man, that's a really good idea!  Thanks!"  

I just smiled, but Marla had just hit me in the ribs again so I could barely breathe. But there was one more thing that was bothering me. As I handed him another buck, I asked a tough question. "Are these deadbeats ever dangerous?"

"Not in the day, buddy. Not in the day. Only at night."

"What happens at night?"

"That's when they start begging hard.  They'll grab your shirt and won't let you go till you give them some money.  Or they'll try to sell drugs, liquor, stolen watches, you name it. They'll follow you everywhere. They are worse than the plague at night."

I was really concerned. "Is there anything you can do to get rid of them?"

"Only one way I know other than shoot 'em. That's the best way.  Nah, find something really repulsive, something so ugly they will cringe.  Find something scarier than they are!"

I think I understood what he meant.  At this point Marla gave me "The Look".  You married guys know what that means, right?? 

As we moved off, my head was spinning with the thoughts about the Key West bum problem.  Walking along the sidewalk, I couldn't help but notice human derelicts lining the streets side by side throughout Key West.  That bum was right.

This year-round balmy weather has made Key West a popular migration spot for bums, drunks, and other aging gray-haired hippies who fried their brains with drugs in the 70s.  Like "Dawn of the Dead", they just wander around the place like placid zombies or even worse just stand there staring at $10 signs.  Too Weird. 

And to think I initially claimed there is a near total absence of history in Key West!  About now you are thinking you are learning way more about Key West history than you wanted to, yes??

As Marla and I ambled about, we found there is practically nothing else to see in Key West.  Even worse since they charge so much for the few tourist attractions there are, no one can afford to see them. 

First there was the exorbitant $10 Hemingway House.  Not far off there is a dumpy little lighthouse to visit. $10. No thanks.  Plus Harry Truman once kept a pleasant little vacation home here. Very attractive. $10.  No thanks.  The only free thing to look at is a giant crayon stuck in the ground that says "Southernmost Point of the USA."  It would be an exciting thing to see if it weren't for the dozens of ex-Dead Head derelicts who sit there staring at it all day.  Oh, excuse me, those weren't the Dead Heads. Those were tourists.

This place gave me the shudders.  Thank goodness the sun puts these lowlifes in a stupor during the day.  Key West is a very creepy town.  I couldn't take it any more so we went back to the Rhapsody.

During dinner on the Rhapsody, Iqbal and Mara persuaded quite a few of our intrepid passengers into joining them for some serious Key West bar hopping.  When I heard about this plan, I pulled Mara aside and told her what I had learned that day.

Mara stared at me in open-mouthed horror. "What should we do?" she pleaded.  I whispered a suggestion in her ear.  Mara nodded. She agreed that was their only chance.

The moment they entered downtown Key West, the Bar Hoppers received a nasty scare. They screamed in terror when out of the woodwork came one zombie-like panhandler, beggar, and drug dealer after another. Lowlifes of every description came staggering up to them!!  The Hoppers were ready to Hop back on board until Mara told them to calm down. Mara had something up her sleeve!

After my warning, Mara had decided to bring along a secret weapon - Da Jammer!  Yes,  SSQQ's answer to the X-Men Mutant Super Heroes was ready to save the day! It seems before they left the ship, Mara had asked Gary to put on his black socks for old times sake.

Now as the Zombies closed in, Mara threw sunglasses to each Bar Hopper and ordered them to put them on. Then she shoved Gary to the front of the group and screamed, "Back, you Monsters!  Get Back!"  Sure enough, the moment they saw Da Jammer, amazingly the Zombies screamed with horror and cringed in pain. They retreated instantly and soon disappeared for good.  Meanwhile the sunglasses protected the Bar Hoppers from a similar agony. Mara had planned well. The Bar Hoppers mobbed Gary with relief. They hugged him as their hero and celebrated their liberation. But quite frankly it was Mara's quick wits that had saved the day.  Give the credit where credit is due.  Such a smart girl.