Meanwhile, having escaped the Zombies....

The merry revelers from SSQQ decided to throw some their business to both establishments. 

First they went to Sloppy Joe's where they drank themselves Sloppy and did some serious dancing.  You can barely make out the "Sloppy Joe's" logo in the picture at right.

Then they staggered over to Captain Tony's.  This is when Mara got the bad news.

Someone had spilled beer on Gary's socks!! Incredibly, when he took them into the bathroom, the soap he used to clean them had bleached them out.  His socks were now white!

"Oh No!" she gasped.  This was very bad news indeed. It meant the Bar Hoppers were defenseless to the Zombies. 

As she thought about it, Mara noticed that the Hoppers were getting so drunk they were starting to Hop on the Bars! 

They were already seven sheets to the wind.  Something about the lost expressions on their faces gave Mara the inspiration she needed to hatch a new plan. 

"Drink up, everyone!  The Ghost of Hemingway commands that you drink yourselves to oblivion! Let the Tribe Imbibe!"

Instantly an amazing transformation came over The Hoppers.  They got drunk, real drunk. In fact they got so drunk they lost their minds. 

Now an eerie blank look came over their faces. 

Even worse, they began to hallucinate.  Without warning the Center of Attention pointed up in the ceiling.  She said to her dance partner Don Schmidt, "You know, I am feeling a little weird. I just looked up and I see thousands of bras on the ceiling." 

Don scoffed at her. But then he looked up at the ceiling and suddenly he too went into shock. 

Then the whole gang looked up. They too went into shock.  Now none of them could move. They were all in suspended animation.  They had completely lost their minds.

The entire group looked like Jack Nicholson after his surgery in "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest".  Twenty people did their "Randall Patrick McMurphy" impressions as they all stared open-mouthed at an empty ceiling they thought was decorated with hanging bras. 

Now how weird is that?

I know what you are thinking, "where does Rick come up with this nonsense!  He must be smoking something."  But I am not exaggerating. They really thought there were thousands of bras up there!!

Yes, it was a horrible scene!   Our very own friends looked as if they had been cast in Mind-Loss episode from "The Twilight Zone"!! 

They all looked so frightened and lost.  Earlier in the day these people had been alert, intelligent human beings.  But now they were morons.  Mara searched for a way to calm them down.  'Let them sing!' she exclaimed.

Mara immediately taught them the words to the immortal song, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than have a Pre-Frontal Lobotomy" by Weird Al Yankovich.  Their spirits lifted immediately!   Staring mindlessly at the imaginary bras on the ceiling, they sang and sang and sang. 

Happiness was restored.  Mara is a genius.

It might have been funny if it wasn't real. But real it was and it was really scary!

Our entire group had fallen under the spell of their Zombie drinks. Even more frightening, they had developed a mass hallucination.

(As a side note, two days after this adventure, the Center of Attention did her very best to describe to me what she "thought" she saw.  Using her recollections, in the picture at right, you have my artistic rendering of the incredible SSQQ Group Hallucination.)

It must have been so horrible for them!  They actually thought the ceiling was lined with bras!  Imagine that, the poor babies.

Those Zombie drinks were quite a knockout!

In the meantime, Iqbal was also aware of the grave danger the group was in.  (Side note - don't you find it odd that two non-drinkers organized the bar hopping tour?)

"What are we going to do, Mara?  They all see bras on the ceiling!  These people have lost their minds!  And without Da Jammer, they will be at the mercy of the Zombies!"

Love in the Elevator

This alleged sexual encounter occurred in the wee hours of the morning shortly after the Pseudo Zombies boarded the ship and we left Key West behind.  They were understandably exhausted, but not too tired to attack the evening buffet being served by the pool. 

A certain young lady noticed a certain young man.  They did not know each other's name, but they recognized each other as being part of our group. Suddenly the song started playing in their minds.

"Strangers in the Night exchanging glances,
Strangers in the Night what were the chances...
we’d be sharing love before the night was through..."

"Something in your eyes was so inviting,
Something in you smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart told me I must have you."

Almost immediately both people found themselves consumed by a powerful lust. 

They mentioned they had actually SEEN two people in serious vertical then horizontal positions in the glass elevator the night before. 

I asked them how carried away the couple had gotten.

"Real Carried Away."

There in plain sight everyone could watch them getting it on.  My guess is they had hit that infamous "point of no return" and were oblivious at this point. 

As our impassioned lovers wrestled as one, they never even noticed the whole world was watching them at 2 am on a ship that never sleeps. 

Up and down went the elevator. Up and down went the bodies. Up and down went the eyes. Pass the popcorn.  

Chalk up another casualty to the evils of alcohol and further fallout from the Zombie Encounter.

One interesting phenomenon of the competitive matches were the incredible number of bloody knees and elbows that began to appear.  I would estimate at least a half-dozen players were playing with blood streaming down a leg or an arm.  The picture of the bloody knee is me. The scab on this badly-cut knee did not come off until six weeks later.

In addition to the open sores there were plenty of painful abrasions as well.  I know besides my knee I had several painful scrapes. Those were nasty cuts we received! 

I have a strong hunch there is a gravel road under that sand volleyball court.  There is just enough sand to disguise the road, but not enough to protect our knees when diving for a ball.  Adolph Granato dived for a number of balls. He was bleeding in three places towards the end. I thought he might have to have a transfusion just to make it back to the ship.

George was a ringleader of the Hot Tub group back on the Mardi Gras Trip. However on this trip he took the Art of the Hot Tub to incredible new heights or depths depending on your point of view.

Now it is true he had many partners in crime, also known as "The Usual Suspects".  Clearly the two Leslies - Grapevine and Goldmine - were constantly out of control.  The Goldmine was brand new to our group and quickly established established herself as a "Player".  She had a quick mouth and a brazen attitude. She soon became quite popular in the hot tub. In fact, those were her toes in the famous "sucking pictures".

The Center of Attention had a dual role. Sometimes she was the Paparazzi busting Handsome or the Great Gabino with pictures of their latest antics.  Then at other times she was an instigator who  rounded up countless new members to come set amazing Hot Tub attendance records. 

The sixth Suspect - Gina Lollobridgida - somehow managed to avoid any incriminating evidence. She was always in there, but I couldn't find any toe sucking, lip locking, breast nuzzling, or thigh grabbing pictures to razz her with.  Surely with that much Tub Time and that much spiked Gatorade and with all the bad influences around, she had to misbehave once!  I think she was either lucky or bought someone off.  Knowing this crowd, I can't believe she was a good girl the entire time.

The same goes for Eva Blue.  I didn't find any incriminating evidence of her culpability either.  Blue always seems to straddle the thin line between naughty and nice.  But she hangs with a rough crowd and I can't help but think she was guilty of something.  I think Blue was also fortunate the camera was aimed away from her.  I think Center of Attention was more interested in busting the boys than the girls with that wicked little camera of hers.

As you will see in the pictures, the other four Suspects left absolutely NOTHING to the imagination. They were very naughty boys and girls. 

And Mr. Handsome was by far the guiltiest.  It was his idea to introduce mass quantities of "Gatorade" to improve everyone's spirits.  This "Gatorade" was consumed in great amounts by the people with the guiltiest pictures. No coincidence there.  In fact many of the Hot Tub pictures could be used as posters for one of those "evils of alcohol" campaigns.

The Zombie Scare was also a major factor in the Hot Tub excesses.  Thank goodness the Rhapsody provides activities for all level of the IQ scale. Mara had down the right thing by tricking her flock into downing mass quantities of Zombie Drinks, but she way of knowing what the after-effects would be.  Mara developed a very serious guilty conscience as a result. She walk by the Hot Tub area and at the sight of these once-proud humans cooking themselves for hours at a time into a soup-like state.

Mara thought it was so sad that once these people lost their minds, Sitting in a Hot Tub was basically the only activity besides sun tanning left that they had enough intelligence to participate in.

While other members of our group were out winning bridge tournaments, dance contests and "Name that Tune" contests, the Zombie Victims had only this one activity open to them.  It was so sad to hear one Hot Tubber after another exclaim, "Gosh, I am really getting good at sitting in this Hot Tub for a long time!"

I guess you have grab your self-esteem wherever you can find some.

Nor was it any coincidence that the most serious lip locking and toe sucking occurred after the Zombie Mind Loss event.  This was definitely the wildest group we have ever had on any trip.  Yes, the Zombie Scare was horrible.  To the very end of the trip, Center of Attention still swore up and down that her bra hallucination was real. 

But I place most of the responsibility for the Hot Tub excesses with Mr. Handsome. Yes, he had help, but he definitely stirred the waters so to speak.  It was his Gatorade that seemed to cause the most damage.  And I might add he corrupted his protégé the Great Gabino something fierce.  The Steve I used to know had the angelic smile of a choir boy.  But once he met George, he began to leer, sneer, and get into constant trouble. This was all due to the bad example that George set in the Hot Tub.  Bad boy, George!   I would have slapped his hand, but I never could figure out which of the 40 hands was his. Knowing George, he probably had it hiding under someone's backside anyway.

By the way, the Center of Attention wanted me to let everyone know that they got 21 people in the hot tub on the last day.  Quite frankly, the final two pictures look like the Roman Orgy episode from a sequel to Animal House.  At least those people had togas on. Our people are barely wearing anything!

All I can say is Tsk Tsk.  By the way, is it my imagination or did my Bride make it into one of those hot tub pictures?   And don't think I didn't check to make sure all the potential male hands next to her were visible.  Unbelievable.   It's probably all George's fault.  He will try to corrupt anyone. 

The fact of the matter is the Hot Tub pictures are wild beyond belief. I can't imagine WHAT THEY WERE THINKING.  I heard even worse rumors about things that went on in the night.  I could not believe my ears.  So I decided to get to the bottom of it.  I quickly discovered no one would talk about it or even let something slip.

Then a Golden Opportunity to break the Hot Tub Code of Silence came my way.  The Grapevine wanted a favor. I licked my lips. Now how do you get a name like "Grapevine"?  You get it by learning everything there is that is going on, then you DISTRIBUTE it. You dish the dirt, right?  When she was Cozumel, she tripped and badly hurt something - foot, toe, ankle - to the point where she could only limp from there on out. Upon her return to shore she was fitted with a protective brace to allow healing.  Despite her complete inability to dance, she asked permission to come "observe" the dance classes because she didn't want to miss seeing her friends during her convalescence.  Then I had an idea I had gotten from watching too many episodes of "Law and Order".  I had complete and total evidence of Grapevine that she misbehaved terribly on the trip.  (see picture at right for evidence).

But I had very little hard dirt on Center of Attention, Love is Blue, Goldmine, and Lollobridgida, plus a couple other people like Maureen Brunetti and Bruce Hanka who were suspected of misbehaving, but were doing it too discretely for me to catch them.  I wanted to know it all!  

And now I had a Usual Suspect right under my thumb! 

So I offered the Grapevine a deal.  If she would give up some of her friends and tell me what really happened, I would make an exception for her and allowed her to visit and "watch" which is as you know a huge "no-no" here at the studio. I told her she could sit and watch if she would simply write a little story telling me what REALLY went on in the Hot Tub.  I also mentioned I would let some of the more incriminating pictures of her - which were countless - disappear.

Grapevine agreed to my terms, then never delivered the dirt.  I was stunned!  How in the heck do you get a name like "Grapevine" then suddenly develop tight lips?  That's when I realized there was an immense veil of secrecy over what really happened in the Hot Tub.

She probably feared for her life. Someone must have gotten to her.  The Grapevine had sobered up. It was better to take my heat than die in the street. 

Here are two of the pictures I promised to suppress if the Grapevine would give up her friends.  She burned me on the deal, so it's time to get real.

The Scandalous Scavenger Hunt!!

Now we come to our final story of the Trip, the night that Mr. Handsome strutted his stuff and solidified his place as the trip's Oscar-winning Chief Mischief Maker.

As you will discover, this is the night when George shared his charms with the world as he danced and pranced in the middle of the floor before an audience of 200 people.

Maybe I should add he was semi-naked and wearing women's clothing.

"Shocking!", you say!  Nah, not really. It was definitely funny.  The event was risqué to be sure, but I doubt anyone left the arena scarred for life.

And we were so proud that George was definitely the best-looking "woman" of the bunch.

During the first SSQQ cruise on the Rhapsody in 2002, I ended up out on the floor just like George did on this night. Same balloons, same girls dressed in Sock Hop outfits, and a similar bunch of idiots wandering around out on the floor wearing bras.

Although I "smiled" for the camera, inside I was seething at the humiliation of having fallen for what turned out to be a giant "Party Trick".  I felt so embarrassed!

During this event two years ago, I remember distinctly being furious at myself for letting myself get tricked into doing this.  I had not seen it coming and once the trap was sprung I could not find a way to escape the consequences.  As a result, there I was out on the floor dancing the night away dressed in a woman's bra while 86 people from my studio collapsed in mirthful glee.  Marla was fit to be tied too.  She didn't like seeing me out there any more than I did.  I did not have a good attitude at all about this, believe me. I cooperated, but I wasn't one bit happy about it.

Here is how the Trap works:  The Scavenger Hunt is billed as a prelim to the Sock Hop.  It is advertised as a game with tremendous prizes and spirited competition.

The idea was to divide into teams and find clever items within your group. I like prizes and I like competition.  I figured we had as many smart people as anyone else and we were a pretty tight-knit group.  So at the dinner table I suggested we participate.  This sounded good to my friends too. I had no trouble recruiting a solid team.

We got there just as they were explaining how the game was played. Once the game began we were amazed at how quickly the other teams had caught on. They seem to come up with the correct items at the speed of light!  This was a tough crowd. So we paid better attention.

Most of the clues were tricks. For example, bring some teeth out  One old man started to pull out his dentures only to notice another guy pull a comb out of his pocket and run up to the stage.  "Clever," I thought. I was hooked.  Now I really began to concentrate.

This time I knew better.  I was the best dancer but the only thing I would win was a place on the video they sold at the end of the trip. No thanks.

While the other men gyrated, I just did my best not to get the cameraman interested or lose my temper.  I was so mad!   I had just realized this whole thing was a gag, a big practical joke. There would be no prizes, no glory, no drinks on the house for the whole team, whatever. 

And guess who had fallen for it??  Very funny.  Ha ha ha. The joke's on me, Mr. Win At All Costs.

I was deeply embarrassed, but it was too late now. I did my dance and learned my lesson. I guess it's true that old fools make the biggest fools. 

The leader would count "1, 2, 3!"  At that exact moment, the new kid would scream "Moo" at the top of his lungs. Meanwhile everyone else who was in on the joke kept quiet as part of the set up. Then we all convulsed with laughter at this one poor kid's expense.  Welcome to the Troop, Sucker!  Then to rub it in, we would call him Moo Moo Magoo for the rest of the trip.

Mr. Handsome would soon be Mr. Moo Moo Magoo.  I vowed to make it happen.  As you know, I was successful beyond my wildest expectations.

Let the Games Begin!!

When Marla and I arrived, our group had already assembled at a strategic spot closest to the Emcee.  Half of our group knew exactly what was going on and the other half was just as caught up in the excitement of the competition as I had been the first time.

Our team loved us!  Once we explained that we had played before, they watched in awe as Marla came prepared to swiftly produce one desperately needed item after another. We were always first or second on practically every clue. 

George - who else? - naturally emerged as our team leader. I have never seen anyone sprint out there faster than George to deliver the necessary goods.  Our team loved George because he was trying so hard.

It was obvious to the newcomers on our team that we were kicking serious butt.  Glory!  Victory!

I smiled as I noticed for the first time in a week even some of the Zombie Victims seemed to show a spark of energy.  Welcome back!

Gary Richardson was in on the joke. He knew right from the start that I had Mr. Handsome in my sights.  He cleverly sat on the opposite side of the floor so he could zoom in on George without causing suspicious.  Meanwhile his digital camera went flash flash flash at will. 

George's triumph was sure to be well-documented if Gary had anything to do with it.

Meanwhile Betty Richardson rolled her eyes at me for being so mean.  I felt a little twinge of conscience when I caught her eye, but did not let it break my concentration.

The one wild card turned out to be Leroy Ginzel. Now Leroy had been a front and center part of my effort to win the Scavenger Hunt two years earlier.  He knew perfectly well what this game was all about.

But no one on our team was trying to win harder than Leroy!! 

I was completely baffled. When it came time for a woman to wear a man's pants, Leroy sprang into action and stripped to his boxer shorts without the slightest hesitation. 

My jaw dropped. Leroy was over there having the time of his life sitting there in his underwear watching us win another round! 

What on earth was he up to?  Was he still reeling from Champagne Night?  Had he forgotten that no one wins this game no matter how hard they try??

That's when I figured it out.  Leroy knew perfectly well our team wasn't going to win anything. He was having his own good time!!  Leroy was just as much a Mischief Maker as George was!  Leroy got just as much a kick out of being a bad boy as George did!

That's when I figured it out - Leroy WANTED to get in trouble!  I bet when Leroy was George's age, he probably caused more trouble than George could ever imagine!  Furthermore Leroy wanted to be bad. He wanted his picture taken and he wanted me to write terrible things about him.

Shame on you,  Leroy!! 
(There you go, Leroy, are you happy now?)

I smiled as I recalled one of my favorite quotes: "Inside every adult is a kid trying to figure out what the hell happened.”

Well, Leroy showed me a thing or two about having fun.  He couldn't wait to drop his trousers and run out on the middle of the floor half-naked!! 

In fact I have no doubt whatsoever that if George had to go to the restroom at the key moment, Leroy would have volunteered for the earrings, the lipstick, the purse, the heels, and the bra at the drop of a hat.  And I think he would have danced beautifully before the camera!

Pretty soon it came time for someone to drag a woman's bra onto the floor. This incredibly important moment is divided into two different sections. 

The first time is just a test run.  It isn't as easy to get most men to put on a woman's bra as you might think.  Since this action is so distasteful to most, the Scavenger Hunt game simply has the men carry out a woman's bra the first time. 

This absurd action accomplishes two things. First it gets women to take their bra off ahead of time.

Apparently it is much easier to take a bra off in public than it is to put it back on.  Many women in the audience fact don't mind cooperating a bit.  They do it with great enthusiasm. However once it is off, they leave it off.

Nor do men mind much carrying a bra in their hands out onto the middle of the floor.  They do this without reservation.

What stage one accomplishes is getting the bra off ahead of time while simultaneously conditioning the men to cooperate with whatever they tell them to do with the bra. 

Pavlov would be proud of the Rhapsody's use of the stimulus-response technique.  Ring the bell, bring the bra. Ring the bell, put on the bra.

It works. Can't argue with their success rate.  I remain astonished by their compliance rate because I have yet to hear of any man refusing to cooperate. I know I didn't want to cooperate, but I did it anyway.

My guess is many of these guys out there felt the same way I did, but sure enough they ended up out there anyway.

I smiled grimly as I watched their faces.  Nervous as they were, these men were making total fools of themselves simply so their team might win glory and prizes!!

You don't believe me?  Then take note how these men are flashing their Team Numbers expecting Jackpot Julie to dutifully write down which teams succeeded in putting their Drag Queens out on the floor first.

At this point they still haven't figured out it is all just an act. Isn't this ridiculous??

I watched George carefully as he prepared to get out on the floor.  Note how cooperative he is as Alyssa gives him the appropriate accessories.

Marla had decided to spare our women from having to take their bra off in public.  She brought a spare from our cabin just to hand to George at the correct moment.  In case you haven't grasped the true nobility of her actions, George ended up stretching and mutilating her poor bra beyond recognition after he put it on.

Marla felt it was a worthy sacrifice to the cause.

George didn't do well at first.  He didn't quite get Marla's bra on correctly.  And he seemed very stiff and nervous.

I watched him carefully wondering if he had caught on yet.  The way he busily flashed the team's "Number 8" card, I concluded he had not yet figured it out.

I have to hand it to somebody.  They used every trick in the book to elicit the cooperation - prizes, competition, team spirit, stimulus-response. 

This was definitely a well-thought out prank.

George soon warmed to the task.  As you can see in the picture to the right, he figured out how to get his bra to fit better.  And his body language had improved dramatically.

Most of the other men had not one bone of fashion sense in their body.  They did not have a clue how to adjust their bra or more likely they couldn't have cared less.

And practically every guy forgot to suck in their ample guts. I cringed as they paraded around with their crooked bra letting their nipples show and their big bellies hanging out way past their belts. 

Then my gaze returned to Mr. Handsome. I gasped as I noticed a complete Metamorphosis had taken over him. 

I realized George seemed totally at ease out there!!  He had even begun to look pretty!

He had his bra on straight. He had his belly sucked in. He had his purse smartly strapped across his body. His earrings were tastefully clipped to his ears. He had an attractive suntan.

Best of all, he was starting to smile!!  It was at this exact moment I realized that George was enjoying himself!!  

Meanwhile George's Fan Club was going wild.  Leroy was George's biggest supporter!!  I was worried that he was going to jump up and run out there and hug him!  I was so grateful Leroy had finally decided to put his pants back on.

As you can see for yourself, Alyssa and Mara were busting a gut.  George was a huge scene stealer.  I have to tell you, the guy was a natural out there. He drew every smile and every eye in the room to him.

People couldn't take their eyes off of him!  And the cameraman followed him everywhere he went.  Mr. Handsome was the Star of the Show!

My mouth dropped in shock at the thought that unlike me two years ago hating every moment, Mr. Handsome was having a great time! 

Then the Unthinkable occurred.  George went Vogue!  The pictures do not lie. There before my very eyes, George began to primp! 

He began to move as gracefully as any woman. Then he stuck that hip out there like any Hot Mama would and posed with total poise for cameras that were flashing everywhere! 

This was his chance to shine. Vogue!

I couldn't help but look back at the other men.

These guys were complete and total slobs.  They were uncomfortable in their outfits, they couldn't walk right, they couldn't dance to save their souls, and their movements were unfeminine and spastic. 

One guy wore a hat, two guys had their purse straps beneath their bras, another guy didn't even bother to cover his chest, they let their shoulders droop, and made pathetic eye contact.

Not George.  He was the total package. 

George probably should have been a model. He is a handsome man indeed and he has a great body.  And doesn't he look nice in his earrings?? 

And what a smile.  Let's face it, George was simply Gorgeous!!

Now immediately you suspicious types say he is probably "youknowwhat".  I will tell you I have never gotten one hint that might be true.  But I will also agree he is supernaturally comfortable with the "feminine side" of his nature.  George was more comfortable out there than I ever dreamed possible. 

I have to hand it to George. My practical joke on him completely backfired. 

He wasn't embarrassed. He wasn't ashamed. He wasn't bitter.  He wasn't uncomfortable.

George was completely at ease with himself.  He was beautiful and he knew it.

After it was all over, he went right back to being his usual charming heterosexual self.  How many guys do you know who could have been as cool about this event as George?  He amazes me.

And thank goodness for those many hours in the Hot Tub. Don't you agree that sun tan looks great on him?

Unlike my pale skin from two years ago, George looked like a life guard out there.  And what a great body!  His shoulders are sculpted! 

I have a hunch you are curious about one thing.  Where did he learn how to move like that?  You guessed it - learning the girl's part as a volunteer in Whip class.  A boy just never knows when learning the girl's part might come in handy.

Well, Mr. Handsome, you had the last laugh.  I tried to set up only to see you completely turn the tables on me.  You did not shy away from the limelight; instead you reveled and basked in it.

"You walked out on the dance floor like you were walking onto a ship,

Your purse strategically strapped on your arm, Your hands upon your hip! 

You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner They'd be your partner, and

You're so Vain, you probably think this story's about you, you're so-oooo Vain!!

Post-Trip Postscript on Mr. Handsome

After the trip was over, George had one more trick up his sleeve.  It seems the combination of his narrow escape from the Zombies plus his many hours of frying his skin and brain in the Hot Tub all combined with his amazing Star Turn as a woman into affecting his mind more seriously than any of us could have anticipated.

Sure enough, I got my answer at our 2004 Halloween Party.

The Metamorphosis we saw occur at the Scavenger Hunt had created profound changes in George's brain.  For the record, I am now officially worried about him.

Well, that's it, folks. That's a wrap on this year's trip.  I hope you have enjoyed reading about my wedding, about the Captain, and about our Wacko Usual Suspects. 

I also hope you will think about joining us on our future adventures.  Just think, if you get into enough trouble, I will even have to write about you too!!

Goodbye from me, from Marla and Mara, Da Jammer,  the Poolside Gang, and of course from All the Usual Suspects!!

Rick Archer
November 19, 2004